Words of wisdom

I only learned this late in life.

Facts and figures

You see, I am not imagining it. The nation's health appears to have made a marked improvement since the Government came to office. And this despite increasing poverty and increasing unemployment (contrary to Government statistics). What this graph really represents is a cynical manipulation of the truth. It betrays the Government's shameful treatment of the disabled and the incapacitated. Shame on the Government. Shame.

Autism (again)

This isn't quite true for me. I don't hate people. I don't really hate anybody. I do feel uncomfortable in crowds though, and I find some people overwhelmingly distressing. I know what the caption means though.

Yet more autism

Do you know what? I've spent my whole life doing this, and used to think I was mad. I'm not mad (well at least not any madder than I think I am), but this is how it is. I live mostly inside my own head. There is limited, superficial interaction with people from time to time. In the outside world I am only fully myself on those too-rare occasions with a very few wonderful, special people, the ones I have become close to.

Unexpected

I went home but felt restless. After all it's such a beautiful day that I didn't want to sit and watch it get dark from my living-room. So here I am back at the library.
I think I forgot to mention that I received the verdict on my appeal. They upheld their decision, as expected. The reply started with all the usual 'He can raise his arms above his head' rubbish. They referred to my individual points without actually acknowledging them. They say that the assessor would have nothing to gain by misrepresenting what took place at the assessment (are they calling me a liar?). My predicament is that I am hugely intelligent, and I speak articulately and intelligently. People simply do not understand how difficult my life can sometimes be.  What the assessor is really doing is obeying the instructions that originated from the Government. She is under orders to fail a certain percentage of people. I know that, because a whistleblower's account was published in the press. The Government is an evil cunt.

The rest of today

I've had enough of the computer for now, so I shall be orf home in a moment. It's been lovely and quiet in the library. The weather has stayed good too. It's been a nice day.
I'm going to slum it with hamburgers for dinner, and after that I expect I'll watch something on the box; dvds that is. They're much better than the programmes.

More autism stuff

Well I suppose so, but what about the anxiety & depression and the fits that come with it?

Sound advice?

This instruction is just as unhelpful as 'Pull yourself together'. I used to get it a lot in my last job.

Just now

The appointment was over and done with within a minute. I can't see it going on for much longer (with a bit of luck). Had a nice cup of coffee and a chat with mum though.

A bit of levity

Soon

I'm just about to toddle off to my every-other-Thursday appointment. Let's see how it goes.
By the way I had an email today saying that I have an appointment on Tuesday for the autism-orientated therapy. AT LAST!!! It means that I shall have to re-schedule my future gardening activities though.

Thinking

I'm back to playing exactly where I used to play in the historic building. Because the mouthy cunt's incessant talking distresses me, I asked to move to an upstairs room just to be away from him. I could still hear him through the floorboards though, endlessly droning on about some bollocks or other. The lovely Yiddish expression Maven auf Katzendreck ('accumulator of knowledge' or 'expert' on cat shit) sums the man up.
He hasn't been in for a few weeks and the atmosphere has been really lovely. The man was doing everybody's head in. We're all hoping that he won't come back. It's lovely being back in my old spot!

The day so far

It's beautiful weather today, and quite warm once you're out of the breeze. When I got to the library I set about writing two more history things for the historic building's social media page.
Just now I went to the counter to try and get some more time at the computer. An old lady was being served. It took so long that I was convinced she'd moved in. The librarian sent me downstairs to get my time. She's gone now. I often seem to get held up in queues by old women nowadays. They must know I'm coming.

Last night

I had a simple dinner before settling down to watch one of the genealogy programmes. Bed at half past nine.
I turned in listening to Royer's Pieces de Clavecin. Sleep wasn't too good, and I got up at nearly eight feeling exhausted. I took my time coming round and arrived very late at the library.

News

I have just read that a very elderly entertainer has just died. That is very sad for his loved ones, but it is not news. Actually I didn't find him funny.

In the meanwhile

I had another good day at the historic building. I think I've nabbed it. What I do is collar people with children as they go to walk past, and get them all dancing. They always go away smiling. By the way I'm going to get a costume of the Early Modern Period. I won't half look dainty!!! I hope it doesn't look like a frock gone wrong.

Now

My brain is starting to grind to a halt, so I think I'll have a stroll in the warm sunshine down to the historic building. I want to run through a few of the Scarlatti sonatas before any visitors start turning up.

Victorian values

How very sensible. A sound policy based on Christian charity. The governors of the Union Workhouses would have loved this. A question though. When are the politicians going to look at cutting their own over-generous benefits, and at expenses fraud?

This morning

I took my time with the fags and coffee, looking out of the window to enjoy the beautiful weather. I sorted out some of the Scarlatti sonatas that I used to play, as I want to include them in my recitals at the historic building. I'll be down there shortly.
When I got to the library I wrote a couple more history things for their social media page.

Last night

I felt a bit bored, so I played card games on the computer and had curry for dinner. I watched an episode of The Rag Trade and turned in at half past nine.
I was awake a couple of times during the night, but otherwise slept soundly. I woke up at six but didn't get up until seven.

Oops!

Oh dear. I think I may have put my foot in it. I was just telling someone about our Easter weekend at the historic building. I wanted to tell the person about the Easter Egg Hunt for children, but I said Easter Egg Cunt instead. Very red-faced.

Autistic stuff

Yep. And it don't never stop.

In the library

Chavs. Fat, loud, gobby, stupid fucktards. In short, cunts.

Yet more autism stuff

I've seen this thing so many times that it's starting to really give me the hump. However I have come across people who speak of others 'suffering' from autism. It's not the fault of the people who say it. Besides I don't really care what people say, so long as what they say isn't intended to be nasty. By the way my diagnosis would probably be Aspergers, if the term hadn't dropped out of usage for reasons unknown to myself.

More autistic stuff

As expected I had misunderstood this morning's phone conversation. I'd understood that the man was coming to see me here, whereas he'd understood that he was collecting me from here and taking me back to the unit. Bloody phones. I wish there was a way round it.
The interview was just as gruelling as I had expected. This time though, I do feel that the man listened to me properly. He has referred me to a psychologist with a specialist knowledge of autism. The appointment is not likely to be for a while, I was warned, but at least I feel that I am starting to get somewhere. Let's see if they can finally help me to find a way of coping with the anxiety and depression.

Bewildered

The man from the mental health service just called me again to try and re-arrange my appointment. It was more than I could cope with on the phone, and he got a right old tongue-lashing from me. He's on his way down now to see me. This sort of stuff is really hard to deal with when it's over the phone.

Today

I've got a busy day today. I'm supposed to go to the gardening thing today, but that's not going to happen. On Thursday evening someone rang me from the local mental health team, to invite me for an assessment, and I agreed to an appointment early this afternoon. That's what happens when I try and arrange anything on the phone. I get completely stuck, and they of all people should have realised this. So before I go to the next town I shall have to go to the garden place to tell them that I can't come, and without any prior warning because of the bank holiday weekend. I'll offer to go on Friday instead, and that's my only free day until Monday.

The weather

We've had the most gorgeous weather over the weekend, at least to start with. It turned windier and colder during Sunday afternoon and evening, and yesterday morning we were treated to the most ferocious gales. I was almost blown over when I was carrying my keyboard to the historic building. It's much calmer today, bright and chilly.

Music

I was due to play at the pub at 7pm on Easter Sunday. The landlord rang me at half past five to cancel. I was livid but what can you say? Of course I was worried about the loss of income, but I'm thankful that I had my best weekend ever at the historic building, and earned in tips what I would have earned at the pub. It was exhausting but very satisfying for me.

The rest of today

I'm going to be busy, as I want to give the flat a wash and brush-up. I'm going to have something radically different for dinner; good old salad and chips. It should be about bedtime by the time I finish.

Thinking

If I thought this stuff worked, I'd have ordered in a few crates of it years ago. I wonder if it works on politicians? If so I'd like to know if there's a variety that works permanently.

Since earlier

I must be mad, but I've just had some more fun writing another history thing. It's surprising what one can do with a lick of woad.
I've just been out for another fag, and realised that I'm still seething with resentment about the way in which disabled people are being treated by the government. What makes it worse is that some of the individuals making these decisions seem to be borderline dodgy themselves. And of course all this is in a country of free speech and where the news broadcasts are not in any way influenced by the government. Have a look at the following link to see what I mean.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/bbc-banned-from-broadcasting-from-disability-benefit-cuts-protest-in-parliament-a6948046.html

A question

Have you ever wondered how basic a human being can actually be? Well they are capable of being more basic than that. Much more basic. I'd really love to show you, but I have neither a video camera nor a sound recorder with me. Boo hoo.

The weekend

It is apparently Easter this coming weekend, so the library will be closed tomorrow and on Monday. Tomorrow I'm being wined and breakfasted (rather than dined) by my best friend. Well I can't say no to that, can I? I only wish that I could stump up a bit. There's nothing doing on Monday though, so I suppose I shall be walking round like a spare dick at a wedding. Yawn.

In the meanwhile

I've been very busy, and have written another social history thing for the historic building. I've also written a lengthy presentation to go on display inside the building. Why do I do it, when I could easily be doing things for myself? Well the truth is that I enjoy it. Apart from that I'm always thinking in the first place, so it's a good way of channeling my brainwaves.
The weather is lovely today. It's not all that bright, but warm enough for me to come out without a coat. I can't rightly remember the last time I did that.

Today

I know what has been on my mind, but I've been so busy thinking that I forgot to mention it in my last post. Today would be my Mum's birthday, if she were still alive. Earlier of I was flooded with some really lovely memories and some really horrific ones. It's a funny old thing but I still haven't properly come to terms with it all. I still think about her a lot.

This morning

I took my time with the fags and coffee and slummed it with toast made from that cotton-wool packet white bread. Then up to the library. Today it's thought after thought after thought. Very busy inner world but no appointments today.

Sleep

I was exhausted when I turned in, and settled down listening to some of Geminiani's concerti grossi. I woke up many times during the night, albeit only momentarily, but slept right round to half past eight this morning. It took me until nine to come to. I felt peculiar when I got up, and still do rather. I wonder if I had one of my 'episodes' during the night.

Last night

Dinner was easy, just a bit of the previous day's curry with a bit of my nice pillao rice. Afterwards I watched an ancient, moralising film from 1930 called Party Girl, starring Douglas Fairbanks Junior. Hysterical. While that was on I reveived some more alms from the Parish, on account of my present situation. Bed at half past nine.

The rest of today

It's starting to get very chilly now. Also I'm getting bored at the library so I'm going to take myself home via the supermarket. After that it will be an ordinary sort of evening.

In the meanwhile

I moved my keyboard back to the room where I used to play to begin with, and had a much better day. Afterwards it was up to see the man about work, and that was fairly routine. So here I am now, back at the library. The horrible congregation of nasty specimens has been told to leave the premises.

Thoughts

If all the wealthiest people, the multinationals and companies were forced to pay their fair share of taxes, I wonder how much that would reduce the hole in the economy by. I also wonder whether there would still be a hole in the economy. If that were the case then austerity measures would not be needed. If that were the case then it would show that the rich are in fact causing all this misery, and not the people who are currently being blamed for it.

This afternoon

I'm going to see the man who is helping me on the work front. I'm quite embarrassed that I haven't done anything on that front for the past fortnight. I've been completely bogged down by sleep deprivation and depression. Hey ho.

This morning

After a very short session at the library's computers, I went home to convey my keyboard to the historic building. It was an early start today, as we had the visit by the autistic kids. I could hear the guide struggling a bit. He's not used to autistic kids, and that's not his fault. I could hear the kids rabbiting on, but they were quite different with me, and very quiet, attentive, engaged and questioning. I even had them all dancing a jig, with the customary honour at the end of it. The kids were lovely. Afterwards it was back to the library for a short while before our proper opening time arrives.

Sleep

I settled down listening to Marais' Suitte d'un Gout Etranger for bass viol. I was wide awake by two, deep in thought, and spent the rest of the night tossing and turning and being bombarded by thoughts. I got up at half past six feeling appalling.

The rest of yesterday

After a visit to the supermarket I started to make my way home, when I noticed that there were staff at the historic building. I went over for a cuppa and to see what was going on, and went home to cook. It didn't go to plan as the electric had run out. I did top up the electric the previous day, but it seems to have lost that credit. Bugger. I went to buy some more and came back to cook. I was bored so it was another curry. The food wasn't ready until eight, and I was so hungry by then that I ate plenty. Afterwards I watched Bedelia, a lovely film noir starring Margaret Lockwood. Bed at half past nine. Upstairs were relatively quiet again.

The rest of today

I've just been busy on behalf of the historic building. I've just sourced some plants from the early modern period, so we can start an 'authentic' planting. I'm tired now so I'm about to make a move home via the supermarket. Then it'll be another ordinary sort of evening. I hope I'll be able to stay awake this time, and that the evening will be as nice as the daytime. In the meanwhile a fat thicko has started arguing with another of the indigenous species.

In the meanwhile

I've just worked my bollocks off at the garden place. I don't mind as I do so enjoy it. I have to remember, though, that I'm not young anymore. I had that funny 'fainting' sensation (that turned out to be the feeling of an impending fit) once or twice or several times, and had to stop what I was doing. I left the place aching and stumbled on the stairs when I got to the library. I'm really not moaning about it. I did enjoy myself but have to admit that I hurt a bit. I forgot to mention that we've had the most beautiful weather all day, and it was lovely to be out gardening in it.

A statement

Contrary to popular belief, the government are not a bunch of cunts. I simply will not have people criticising them.

This morning

I had the fags and coffee feeling very groggy. I was deep in thought about today and tomorrow. Today I'm going to be at the gardening thing. Tomorrow I have an early start, as I'm harpsichording at the historic building for a group of autistic kids, and then doing my usual shift there. Afterwards it'll be straight up to the man who is helping me with work. This morning I am very mindful that my recent appeal will be decided on by this coming Friday.

Sleep

I turned in listening to the Boccherini string quintets (again). I was also listening to the little cunt running round and shouting upstairs. I was exhausted and fell asleep in next to no time. The next thing I remember is laying awake and trying to sleep, but it was no good. I got up at half past one and had a fag, then went back to bed for a read. I was still awake at a quarter to four but must have fallen asleep shortly after, because the next thing I remember is getting up at seven.

Last night

I had an early dinner but didn't really enjoy it. After I'd eaten I put on the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes dvds, but struggled to keep my eyes open. I went to bed at half past seven.

The rest of today

Me poor old bones don't half feel tired. Notwithstanding that I'm about to make my way to the Indian shop, and I'm going to make a Filipino thing that I like, but haven't had for ages. After that it'll be a quick jaunt to the supermarket and then home.
Upstairs have stayed mostly quiet, but I was greeted by the dubiously blissful sounds of an undercarriage inspection before I went to bed last night.
I think my night will be quite ordinary.

Sinigang na baboy for dinner.

In the meanwhile

I've been busy again. A meeting of volunteers at the historic building was called with only half an hour's notice. Having done that I went and collected my keyboard stand from the pub. Having done that I came back to the library and costed a selection of 16th century plants and seeds for the historic building. Having done that I advertised the building's forthcoming Easter event. I might even get a couple of minutes to myself now!

News

Currently the biggest topic for me is the exploitation of the vulnerable by the rich, and of sometimes borderline reputability. According to social media one would have no inkling that anything like this is currently going on. The news feeds are nearly all about sports persons and their various injuries. Is this really news or just unadulterated crap?
On social media it defies comprehension that some tory activists are actually defending the government's position. Shame on them. Cunts.

A thought

I've just remembered that today is my father's birthday. He'll be 78 this year, if he's still alive that is.

Yet more autism stuff

And believe you me it's infinitely worse when there is music or background noise going on at the same time.

A question

When did honesty and integrity die in our national politics, or did they ever really exist?

More autism stuff

I have to be very careful when I eat. I have to make sure that I concentrate on what I'm doing. If my mind wanders I have a tendency to bite the inside of either my cheek or a lip. Well it happened yesterday, when I was eating my dinner and thinking of the pub. I bit my bottom lip several times. The lip swelled up but didn't bleed. I did have a blood blister though. Later on when I started on my supper, I started thinking back on my evening. Then I bit the blood blister. Then it bled, so I sat there dabbing it for a while before finishing my food. Ain't it boring.

This morning

I woke up feeling slightly the worse for last night's alcohol, but that's starting to pass now. As I had the fags and coffee I rememberd that last night, I'd been asked to play some 'silent film' type stuff for a sort of magic show in August. I don't know whether that was a drunken invitation, but I hope it wasn't. I think I'd rather like to do it. Then up to the library as usual.

Sleep

I turned in listening to some other string quintets by Boccherini. They were seriously good. He's such an interesting composer. In one of the movements, in between all the elegantly formal stuff, he manages to make a string quintet sound like a flamenco guitar. It's that sound where all the hand moves rapidly up and down across the strings. Very clever. I'd love to see the score so I can find out how he did it. I don't remember anything else until I woke up at about six.

The rest of yesterday

I defrosted a curry for my dinner and had some parathas with it. I also made a stuffed paratha to have for my supper. After dinner I took myself down to the pub. I had a really good night, and that made such a welcome change after the past few miserable weekends. Some people came in to see me and stayed all night. A French lady sang some Edith Piaf songs with me, and that was lovely. I'm afraid I was a bit naughty and took advantage of the new barmaid; I twisted two and a half pints out of her when I'm actually allowed only one. I don't feel at all guilty about that. I sang for my supper and bloody well earned it. After all I didn't finish playing until gone ten.
When I got home at after eleven I had my supper and planned to watch something, but the sound of pole-vaulting coming from upstairs changed my mind for me.

Yesterday afternoon

We had another dire day at the historic building. There were plenty of visitors but we get hardly anything in the way of donations. The building is owned by the district council, and they have decreed that we are currently not allowed to charge an admission fee. Do the council want jam on it too? They give us no funding, the building is run by volunteers, and now we still can't charge anything for admission. What has happened, I believe, is that because it's all free, people do not value either the building or the people who run it for no reward. The district council is a cunt.

The rest of today

I think I'll make a move soon. Getting bored now, but the library is nice and quiet for a change. Later on it'll be the usual dinner and films and/or a bit of a read. I'm feeling quite tired now.

Just now

I've just been out for a fag, and while I was there I got thinking about my musical activities this weekend. Tomorrow it's the historic building and the pub as usual. I do hope it'll be better than it has been. Meanwhile It's overcast and chilly, just like it was first thing this morning. It looks like we're in for some rain.

In the meanwhile

The historic building's garden looks lovely, and I enjoyed being in it for a few minutes before I started playing. We had our event today and visitor attendance was quite disappointing, particularly given the decent weather. I left half an hour early feeling quite deflated. There was one couple who were music lovers, and they spent some time listening to me. It's a shame they couldn't show me just a little bit of appreciation though.
It turns out there will be a meeting of the bigwigs this week, to decide whether we can continue to run the building or whether we will be evicted. Of course we are very concerned about that.

Optimistic

I am heartened that one of the vindictive individuals, collectively known as the government, has resigned. Well that is one down, but what about the others?

Shortly

I need to make a move in a minute, as the historic building is having an open day in a few hours. I need to get the bus home, bath & look presentable before I get there. I do hope the weather does brighten up, as the garden is the focus of today's activities.

Now

I had a lovely night last night and slept for six hours without waking up. Rather I think I slept peacefully but my bedding was mostly on the floor when I woke up at half past five this morning. I feel like I had a drink but don't feel bad at all.
The weather is a bit overcast, but it'll brighten up with a bit of luck.

Exactly

Finally

Pea pillao done, pork vindaloo done, pappadums fried. The kids are watching their film and we'll eat once they've gorn up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire. The cider was lovely and so is the wine that I've just started on.
I'm feeling very pleased that I've been able to give something unique to the historical building, in the form of a knowledge of English keyboard music and how to perform it, in the shape of a sound knowledge of the social history of the period when the building was constructed, and in the shape of a good knowledge of the the appropriate plants of the period to put in the garden. I feel valued for what I do. I am also pleased that I have done something to raise the building's profile and build up its following by means of the social networking page. The number of people following it has increased from 280 to nearly 370 since I've been writing it. That is quite an achievement.
Meanwhile my life is coloured by both sadness and anger over the government's vile mistreatment of the vulnerable, in order to increase the wealth of the very rich. It's an obscenity. It's just like Robin Hood but the wrong way round. I can't help thinking that the present government is evil. The government is made up of a bunch of hypocrites. The government is a cunt. Horrible.

The autistic gardener

I've just spent a few hours working my bollocks orf. After giving the entire garden a good soak, I spent a few hours doing a whole lot of digging. I know my age is starting to catch up with me now. In fact this afternoon I think it's going to overtake me.

News

I've had some good news, but am quite guarded about it. The powers that be are reconsidering my assessment for mental health issues. The original report noted such rubbish as 'can sit on a chair for forty minutes'. Of course I can sit on a fucking chair without falling off it. What's that got to do with anxiety and depression, or the other associated issues? The examiner had asked me a number of detailed questions, all of which I answered in detail. None of these questions or answers were considered in the report. In other words the report only commented that I have no physical disabilities. Even that was not wholly true, as I am totally incapacitated for a day or so after I've had a fit. I'm not holding my breath about the outcome, as the government is now cynically persecuting the disabled.
My other good news is that the cunts upstairs are moving out on 4th April. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The rest of today

I'll go home shortly and get everything ready for tonight's meal. I need to cut a joint of meat into cubes and then marinate it. I need to get my ingredients together and make up various packets of spices. Then Bob's yer uncle.
Afterwards I'm straight up to the historic building for a spot of hard labour in the garden. When I've finished there it'll be a bus ride over to my friend's.

Social media

Recently I've 'become friends' with two people that I really dislike. I did that partly out of politeness since it was they who instigated the 'friendship'. I did it mainly to show them that I am anti Establishment where it is justified, and that I support causes that they would loath. Let them see. It might teach them something.
Incidentally three of the people I am closest to are Tories. One, a very dear friend, comes from a die-hard Tory business background, and is one of the kindest, loveliest people I know. Two others are my adopted family, and are both party activists. I don't believe for one moment that they have any concept of what their government is doing. I think they would be very saddened by it all, even mortified, if only they could see outside the dogma.
I believe everything I post on social media, if it is intended to be serious. I worry endlessly, though, that the activists take personally the things I have published, when that is not my intention. Far from it.

This morning

I felt pretty awful when I got up, and still feel very tired now. I thought about what I'm going to do today, as I got through the fags and coffee. Afterwards I dragged myself up to the library.

Sleep

I listened to the Boccherini quintets with double bass again, as I settled down to sleep. Later on I woke up in pitch darkness. My eyes ached and I was bombarded with thoughts of the terrible injustice and unfairness of the present age. I lay awake for a long time before looking at the clock. It was exactly two minutes past four. I felt pretty rotten, as if I'd been drugged, and went and had a fag in the front room. Afterwards it was back to bed. I was still awake as it started to get light, and the next thing I remember is turning off the alarm at seven. The next thing I remember after that is looking at the clock at seven thirty. Then I got up.

Yesterday

We got a lot done in the historic building's garden. I pointed out that although it will look beautiful when everything starts to flower, the plants are not what is required. I've suggested that we get plants from the period when the house was built, and that I know where we can get them by mail order. That was agreed, so in the near future we'll start replanting bit by bit.
When I got home I made yet another curry. I'm really getting sick and tired of curry, but I couldn't be bothered to make anything else. It turned out alright though. Meanwhile my best friend contacted me to invite me round this evening. I will cook as usual, and guess what I'm cooking by popular request?

Yep. Another fucking curry. The request isn't at all popular with me. I'd much rather have a spam fritter or something. I know I shall enjoy making it, and always like own cooking better when I'm there than when I'm at home.
After dinner I watched Anna Neagle in The Lady With The Lamp, a biopic of Florence Nightingale (pronounced Flurrence Neiytingeiyle). The film dates from 1951 and is absurdly patriotic and rather gung-ho, but nice and easy to watch.
I turned in at half past nine.

In the library

http://nyti.ms/1SWDODF

This explains a lot.

Thoughts

I remember this individual's vile government. Divide and rule. Demonise people. The Trades Unions. Let us not forget that in the Nineteenth Century people worked long hours in dreadful and often dangerous conditions, for pitifully low wages. The financiers and businessmen who owned and funded the businesses were (and are) the backbone of the Tory Party. In short, the Unions were born because of the way that working people were being treated by Tories.
In the early days, the Unions did a huge amount to improve the lot of the working man. Yes, I said man, because after the First World War the Unions did everything they could to stop women from taking 'men's' jobs. By the Eighties they were a bit of a dodo, but were still a safeguard against people being mistreated at work. The person in the picture was having none of it. She shut down those parts of the country that had not voted for her. They were working-class, industrial areas, with strong support for the unions. She demonised both the Unions and the people whose industries had disappeared. She was callously indifferent to the appalling poverty she had created in those areas, and channelled tax cuts towards the better-off.
Then she demonised homosexuals for daring to demand equal rights. I was one of those who demonstrated outside parliament to try and get the same rights as so-called 'normal' people. The Government started a campaign to vilify homosexuals. We were blamed for AIDS. The campaign was relentless. It was a disgrace. Because of the lack of any rights whatsoever, there was nothing that one could do to defend oneself. One royal princess famously said that it was a massive 'own goal' for mankind. How did she know that? Was she a fucking doctor or epidemiologist or something?
Most of the national press was totally complicit in all this. They published shameful and sensationalist headlines. They mislead the public and created hysteria. They compared that woman to Churchill. She was the Iron Lady. Anyone she happened to dislike was fair game for the press.  They were rubbished. They were the lowest of the low. They were troublemakers, and therefore probably disloyal to the country.
The next target was the disabled when the Poll Tax was imposed on the country. The television news broadcast utterly revolting images of disabled people being dragged away in their wheelchairs and being manhandled. And of course the next target was poor people after they also demonstrated, even rioted against the Poll Tax. They were rubbished. They were the lowest of the low. Luckily the Death Penalty had already been abolished. Those were frightening times.
Now we have the present incumbent of that high office, and the first Tory to hold that office since the aforementioned woman. He's determined to pick up where she left off. The Unions are all but dead. Homosexuals have full equality under the law (for which we have to thank the European Union, who would have fined the country if it did not enact the directive). That only leaves the disabled and the poor to contend with. The government has already started imposing vicious cuts to disability benefits. It is soon to abolish (but not in name) working tax credits for low earners. It has also just given the better-off some healthy tax cuts. This time, though, it does not have the media on board, and has been called to account for its actions.
To my memory Tory governments have always been about 'divide and rule'. They have always been about self-interest and the interest of the moneyed classes. They have always been about increasing wealth at the expense of the poor. Why on earth do people vote for them? Are they really that stupid? Do they really have such short memories?
All this was going round and round in my mind when I woke up around half past three this morning.
By the way I don't wish death on anyone, whatever they have done. I must admit though that I was pleased when she did die. In fact I celebrated with a special dinner. But nothing will take away the pain and disgust I still feel when I think about the Eighties.

The rest of today

It's time I bucked my ideas up and made a move. I'd quite forgotten the time. Just now I changed one of my pictures on social media, to a scene from the French Revolution. This excuse for a government has really got my blood boiling.
After I've finished gardening I'll make a curry, cos I can't be bothered to do anything more adventurous. After that I'll watch or read something, ideally without any added distractions.

In the meanwhile

After getting the landlord sorted out, and after having a nice bun from the proper bakers, I walked down to the Indian shop to get some of the pickle I like. I had a bit of time on my hands so I showed my face at the historic building. I'm really enjoying the garden now, and it's coming on a treat. Then it was on to my appointment. They weren't feeling very talkative today, which was nice for me. It's given me a few minutes at the computer, before I'm put to sweated labour in the garden. The weather is beautiful today, with sunshine, a little warmth and a watery blue sky. That's ideal weather for gardening.

Again

In 1986 the Archbishop of Canterbury, Donald Coggan, said that the poor had borne the brunt of the recession, and that it was the poor who were being blamed for the country's financial state. It is very rarely that I agree with religious persons on any subject, but here he was absolutely right.
That statement could equally be applied to our present age. I remember the Eighties and, believe me, they were every bit as nasty as today. I feel like vomiting when I hear people looking back nostalgically, and waxing lyrical about the Tory government of the day. Whoever talks like that must have been either blind, deaf, or in complete denial. Or they weren't around at the time. Or they are just plain liars.

This morning

I dreared my way through the fags and coffee and then had a brainwave about the historic building's visitor sheet, which I had agreed to write. I sat down and had it completed in about twenty minutes.
Then it was up to the library as usual, where I typed it out and sent it to the people for approval. In a short while I need to go to the landlord to sort out my last bit of rent. While I'm there I can go into the 'proper' baker's and have one of their nice home-made buns.
This afternoon I've got my every-other-Thursday appointment. After that I've offered to help in the historic building's garden. I can hardly keep my eyes open at the moment, but I hope I'll come round once I've been in the fresh air. The bloke has worked so hard on landscaping it but has got himself very worried, as it is to be 'opened' on Saturday. I'll be there tomorrow too.

Sleep

I settled down listening to some quintets by Boccherini, scored unusually for two violins, viola, cello and double bass. I had a bit of a turbulent night, and had been awake for a long time when I checked the clock at four. My eyes were very sore and I tried to sleep again, but I couldn't. I got up in a bit of a daze around six o'clock.

An aphorism

I would have said this myself, if only I were able to say it.

Last night

Dinner was edible but not too bad. Afterwards I sat down to watch Margaret Lockwood in Give Us The Moon. It was so dreary that I switched it off after a short time, and read some more of the Peter Ackroyd book instead.
Upstairs had their moments, and I enjoyed the noise the little cunt made when it fell over. They will be gone in a few weeks! YAY!!!!
Bed at half past nine.

Now

The lowlife community haven't put in an appearance this afternoon, but it's screaming brat and annoying ringtones time. I'd better get out now before I give someone a right good telling off.

The rest of today

I've still got some of yesterday's sauce left, so it'll be spaghetti and something for dinner. Afterwards I fancy watching another Margaret Lockwood film. After that, who knows?

As expected

So the budget has given tax cuts to millions of people. It has also removed some of its supporters from the highest rate of tax. And this will be funded by cuts to disability benefits. This news is obscene. To this day it is beyond me how anybody with an ounce of decency could possibly vote for the tories.

Just now

I've just been out for a fag, and immediately noticed how chilly, overcast and damp it is. My mind started wandering and I remembered a time this morning when it did the same thing. I started getting all sorts of flashbacks of past experiences, and realised at the time that none of it seemed real. It felt as if none of it had ever happened, but of course I knew that it had. It's quite funny really, that my life seems like one long memory.

This morning

No sooner had I lit my first fag when the noise started. Little cunt was stampeding up and down, at the same time shouting and screaming. It had all died down by a quarter to eight. It won't be too long before those savages move out. I'm counting the minutes, I can assure you.
My first point of call was workhouse no.2, and that was fairly routine. After that it was straight to the library for a short session on the computers, and then on to the historic building. The main part of it was taken up by dullards walking past, but I did get a quid in tips. That's more than I made over the past fortnight. The school visit was great fun. Again the kids and their teachers enjoyed it.

Sleep

I settled down listening to some string quintets by Boccherini from 1801. Unusually for him they were scored for two violas rather than two cellos, but were really lovely. I woke up several times during the night, deep in thought but not staying awake for long. I woke up at about half past five, but it took me until seven o'clock to find the energy to drag myself out of bed.

Last night

After a simple but enjoyable meal I sat down to watch Margaret Lockwood in Highly Dangerous. It was so bad that it was good. The music was hilarious, like the stuff they used to play to chase scenes in the silent films. The story was one cliche after another. Unforgettable!
Twenty to eight last night and they were cunts. First of all was little cunt running around and shouting. Then it was Mr cunt shouting, then little cunt shouting louder, then Mr cunt shouting louder than that, and so on. It ended up with little cunt shouting and shouting, and each time it shouted Mr and Mrs cunt laughed their heads off. I decided I'd had enough and turned in at a quarter past eight.

The rest of today

I'm planning an easy meal, probably pasta, for dinner. After I've eaten I plan to watch another Margaret Lockwood film, probably Bank Holiday.
I think I know why I'm not sleeping too well. I don't sleep well at the best of times, but the shocking way in which disabled people are being treated, is really playing on my mind. It's all so terribly wrong. I'm frightened of crowds, but have decided that I will attend any demonstration to make my views clear. Any opposition to these cruel policies has my total support.

Now

And they are back! Yep. Talking and babbling about shite of the worst possible variety. And what's more some of them are grotesquely fat. Unforgivable.

Thinking

I've just been outside for a fag, and realised how tired and achey I feel. It's hardly surprising, as I carted quite a few barrowloads of wood chips and laid them as a path. I did enjoy it though. I'm not grumbling about it, but I am tired. I've also worked up quite an appetite , so I'll get a snack on the way home.
I thought about the lovely weather we've been having lately, but today is completely different. It's dark, windy and cold, and I've been feeling spots of rain all day. It won't be very long before it rains properly.

This week

My busy week hasn't finished yet. Tomorrow morning I'm going to my appointment at workhouse no.2. After that I'm playing at the historic building. We're staying open after our normal closing time, because a party of schoolchildren is coming to visit. I'll be doing one of my talk and performance things. Then on Thursday morning I need to see the landlord, and have my every-other-Thursday appointment in the afternoon. In between all this, I want to help out a bit more in the historic building's garden. I shall certainly have my work cut out!

Today

I had coffee and fags, but didn't fancy the toast I'd promised myself in the middle of the night. Afterwards it was off to the library for some history writing. I went from there to the gardening thing and had a lovely time, although today there were no plants to be had. They put me to work with another autistic person, and we got on very well. The conversation was quite intelligent and full of fun, and at one point we stood nattering for at least half an hour. The good thing is that nobody minded. In fact they like it when people talk to each other. It's part of the reason for going there. So here I am now, back at my usual spot in the library. I don't think I'm imagining it, but I've got a distinct smell of manure in my nostrils. I hope I'm not carrying any around with me.

Sleep

I nodded off listening to some lovely cello concertos by Boccherini. During the night I lay awake for quite some time, and when I checked the clock it was ten past one. I was still awake at three. After I nodded off again my sleep was very broken. I got up at seven, feeling very tired.

Last night

I had the rest of the steamed suet pudden for dinner, and then I settled down to watch that lovely film The Wicked Lady, starring Margaret Lockwood, James Mason, Patricia Roc and Jean Kent. I felt very tired again and went to bed at a quarter to eight.
Them upstairs were quiet again, but just as I was getting ready for bed I heard the woman shout "No", and the nasty object starting to howl and wail. It really is a very un-endearing child.

Finally

My little session at the historic building went really well again. The kids were really interested and asked lots of questions. After that I lent a hand in their garden, and planted about a dozen bushes and plants. Great stuff! It was chilly though, in spite of the sunshine and blue sky.

The rest of today

It's time for me to leave now and get the keyboard moved. I might come back to the library after I've finished playing, but that depends on what I feel like doing. For dinner I have the remains of yesterday's pudden to look forward to. After that I imagine it'll be an ordinary sort of evening.

Madness

In the library there is only one loo, plus another one for disabled people. Able-bodied people are not allowed to use the latter. Well guess what? The able-bodied one has been engaged for nearly twenty minutes. It turns out that a disabled person had decided to use it, and had got himself locked in. He is currently being rescued by two orderlies. The disabled one, incidentally, has been vacant the whole time. Grrrr. In the meanwhile I've legged it up the road to the public one and back.

Lunchtime

In just over an hour I'll need to collect me keyboard from the boozer. This time though it will be going straight to the historic building, as I'm doing one of my little talk/performance things for two parties of kids.
That'll be fun. I've had some very good feedback about the ones I did last week. One good thing is that I shan't have to move the instrument again until Sunday.

Politics

I do not agree with any of the political parties. I cannot accept someone else's ideology. I take everything issue by issue, and for each there is a right solution and a wrong one. I suppose it's another one of those autistic 'black and white' things.
I do not agree with the tory party on anything. They are cruel and vindictive, and that is not the decent or right way to govern people. If ever I agree with politicians they tend to be those of the old-school Labour party. Aneurin Bevan and Tony Benn always spoke with such wisdom and profound common sense. I do not share that party's proletarian dream though. I want to be myself, not one of a flock of identical sheep.
The liberals are dull in the extreme, and smack of the last vestiges of a crumbling aristocracy. I do not like extremist politics of whatever persuasion. I think that must be why I so despise the tories.

This morning

I got up in a bit of a daze at seven this morning, and took my time with the rather boring fags and coffee. Then it was up to the library and a visit to the parish workhouse. After that I brought myself back to the library, where I've already written another history thing. I do like to keep my mind occupied.

Them upstairs (and that)

They have been frighteningly quiet all weekend. I know they've been there alright, because I could hear them moving around. It's a bit like a war of attrition. I'm finding the quiet just as unsettling as the noise. They are cunts.
The weather was lovely all weekend, warmer and sunnier than usual. It feels like spring is in the air. It did turn colder and windier yesterday afternoon though.

Sleep

On Saturday night I listened to some more piano quintets by Boccherini as I went to sleep. I slept very soundly and woke up feeling relaxed.
Last night I turned in to some of Boccherini's string quintets. I didn't sleep so well, and woke up frequently later on in the night. I feel a bit tired today, and my eyes are a bit sore.
I'm really enjoying the Boccherini pieces that I've been listening to. I'd forgotten what a first-rate composer he was. He has his own distinctive style. Sometimes it relies on nothing but texture, and he can be very quirky, but he does sometimes write a good tune. I particularly like his string quintet scoring with its two cellos rather than two violas. It sounds so much more balanced and sonorous than the two viola variety, which sounds too top-heavy to me.

Sunday

I had another abysmal day, both at the historic building and at the pub. While I was playing last night some people walked in and sat near where I was playing. I thought it was because there was a large group of very boisterous young 'uns out the back. I also thought that they were taking no notice of what I was playing, until the man turned round to me and said how much he had enjoyed my playing. Well it wasn't a complete waste of time then. The up-side is that I finished nice and early. I was home around nine o'clock, and sat down with some cheese and crackers to watch Small Hotel. I didn't watch much though. I was too tired, so I turned in at about ten.
When I came home from the historic building earlier, I had a mad brainwave and cooked a steamed suet pudden for dinner. That was a real treat!

Saturday night

I couldn't be bothered to cook, so I defrosted a curry from the freezer. It tasted better than it did the first time round. Afterwards I red some of Ackroyd's book London: The Biography. It's very well written indeed. I think I'll use some of his headings for the history stuff that I write. I had another early night, and turned in before nine.

Tomorrow

I've got a busy day tomorrow, what with playing at the historic building and later on at the pub. I expect to see some friends at the pub, which will make it much better. Last week was such a bore, but at least I finished nice and early.

And finally

It'll be time for me to go home very shortly. I don't fancy cooking so I'll defrost something from the freezer. Then it'll be the usual. I think I'll probably read again tonight. When I can't read I will do what I usually do; I'll imagine I have a rocket launcher, pointing it up at the living room ceiling, and then firing it at the cunts. I hope the nasty object falls over later. That always cheers me up.

Goya 'El sueño de la razón produce monstruos'

This is just as true of our present age as it was in 1799.

A landslide?

The turnout at the last general election was 66 and a bot percent. Of those who voted only a third voted Tory. So less than a quarter of those eligible to vote voted for the party who are currently in government.
A third of the electorate didn't turn up to vote. That is called a 'good turnout'. It's not good. It is something that politicians ought to be worried about, instead of smug and complacent. If a surgeon were to only save two-thirds of his patients, he would probably face criminal charges. The apathy of the electorate speaks volumes about both the parties and their leaders. It also says something about our unfair voting system. Last time round I did turn up to vote for a change, and voted for the Green Party, which is probably the least destructive of the lot. It got a tenth of the number of votes the tories got, yet the Green Party only has four seats in parliament, where the Tory Party has 312. Where is the fairness in this? I feel completely disenfranchised. Is this really what the word democracy means? Proportional representation would be a much fairer system, because the seats would be allocated to reflect how people actually voted. And the people who are currently lining their pockets, and are about to do so even further at the expense of the disabled, wouldn't get such an easy ride. It's all a bit too cosy for me.

In the meanwhile

I had a crap day at the historic building. It was a complete waste of time again. The last straw was when these loud fat people came in. I put my coat on and left.

In the near future

I've written a few more history things, and am just about to set off to play at the historic building. I'm in urgent need of some refreshment, so I'll go home for one of my favourite things, namely buttered toast. As the old saying goes 'simple things please simple minds'.

This morning

Today started quite murky, but then it was still very early. It has been brightening up bit by bit since then, and is gradually getting warmer. I took my time with the fags and coffee, and had time for a couple of computerised card games before I set off for the library. I'm feeling very disgruntled, even angry with those cunts I have for neighbours. Cunts.

Sleep

I went to bed listening to some piano quintets by Boccherini. No sooner had I shut my eyes than thud, thud, thud... started above my head. I could still hear the shrieking and shouting too. It went on for about half an hour (I know this because I had listened to two of the quintets before it stopped) and made me very anxious. Eventually I calmed down and fell asleep, waking up in exactly the same position at nearly six this morning. That was the best night's sleep that I've had in a long while, and I feel the benefit of it this morning. I must have been exhausted last night.

Last night

I enjoyed dinner, and afterwards I had a read, or rather I mostly looked at the pictures. This time it was a lovely book about all things Victorian. I keep thinking about Victorian things lately, but that's hardly surprising, given the Victorian times we live in.
The people upstairs were not quiet, and several times it got really awful. It was still going on when I turned in at half past nine.

The rest of today

The weather has stayed lovely all day, and I expect I'll spend some time watching my raspberry plants when I get home. I don't know why I do that. Perhaps I'm expecting to see them to grow, or watch them do something.
I'm having a nice dinner tonight. I found some more of the good sausages in the freezer. I didn't realise I had any of them left. Afterwards I'll have some of the Christmas Pudding I bought last December, but didn't fancy until now.
After dinner it will be more of the usual. I do hope that the people upstairs will behave themselves.

Earlier on

I had a bit of a laugh this morning. The mouthy cunt who won't stop talking did the guided tour bit. When one group came to me lots of the kids had questions. There was one little girl with her hand up but the cunt cut in and started talking. One of the teachers politely cut him off and asked me to carry on.
I felt so sorry for those poor kids, having to listen to all that shite. I'm surprised that the poor little sods didn't lapse into a coma. The funny thing is that what the cunt was telling them was quite incorrect, and I've sent 'the boss' a potted history so that we inform our visitors correctly in future. Cunt.

Thinking

I do not like these things one bit. They are bloodthirsty. They are divisive. They are cruel. Then you get all the talking heads droning on and spouting ideology in their wake. But I'm beginning to understand why they happen.

In the library

There is a schizophrenic in the library and he's got himself into a bit of a state. He's chatting away to himself in three or four different voices and accents, in between which he's making the most terrible noises. I don't think he's dangerous, but he's got himself into a terrible state. I was a bit hesitant at first but I've been to let the librarian know. Meanwhile he's just got up and left. One or two of the people here seem to find it very funny. I don't. I bet the man is finding life very difficult. I feel sorry for him. I also feel sorry that he's obviously not getting the care he needs. This is nothing to do with it, of course, but the government has cut back on mental health spending every year since it has been in office. They are cunts. Evil.

During the night

I know why I kept on waking up during the night, because every time I woke up I was deep in thought about the shocking injustice of our present regime. The rich employ chartered accountants to help them salt away things and income, so that they don't have to pay any tax on them. And the sorts of things that are not taxable are expensive things and income, which are beyond the reach of poor people, who pay tax on everything they earn. The system is as loaded against the poor as Nineteenth-Century divorce laws were. In theory anyone could apply for the act of parliament that was required to finalise the marriage. However that cost thousands of pounds at a time when the average labourer's wage was ten shillings (fifty pence in today's money) per week. I cannot reconcile all this tax avoidance with the government's vindictive onslaught on the disabled. It is obscene.

The weather and that

It's a beautiful day today, with watery sunshine, blue skies and warmth. Three of the raspberry plants are looking nice and healthy. The fourth may or may not make it.
After lunch  I walked along the front to collect my prescription from the doctors' surgery. The sea was very calm, but the haze gave poor visibility. Afterwards it was back up to the library, where I've just written another history thing.

This morning

I took my time with the fags and coffee before dragging myself through the bath. Then it was up to the library. I had only a short time this morning, as I was about to play for two parties of junior school children at the historic building.
I did something different today, and started the sessions with a little talk and a question and answer thing, followed by a performance of one short piece. That went very well. The kids were really up for it, and there were hands shooting up all over the place.
Afterwards I went home and had the toast that I was too tired for this morning.

Sleep

 I settled down listening to cello sonatas by Boccherini. Just as I was about to nod off there were some very distracting thuds on the ceiling overhead, where I suppose the little angel was going to bed.
I had a very bumpy night, waking up and turning over very often. I was wide awake at one point, but was too tired to look at the clock. I woke up at half past five and got up at seven, feeling as if I'd been half-awake all night. Shattered.

Last night

I decided to treat myself so ate at the table, instead of on my knees. Afterwards I watched part 1 of Cranford, but got bored. It had been quiet, but the nasty object upstairs decided to throw a tantrum just as the film finished. I waited for it to calm down before turning in at a quarter past eight.

Just now

I bussed it up to the landlord's and got the stuff sorted out. It's such a lovely afternoon that I decided to walk home. Just before I got there I decided that I didn't really want to go home in the first place, so I continued back to the library.
I'm still very cross and very resentful about the way our government seems to be making some sort of example of the disabled. Having just lined their own pockets with two pay rises last year, and having been able to claim what seem like almost unlimited expenses out of the public purse, they go on to behave like this. It really is unspeakably vindictive of them.

In general

What this country really needs, but sadly lacks, is old school politicians, you know, the ones who had principles. People like Nye Bevin (NHS), Tony Benn (Open University). These people really did a lot for the country. They didn't punish the disabled for being disabled.

The rest of today

I've had the earplugs in for a while and that has calmed me down a bit. I've decided I will go to the landlord's this afternoon after all. It'll save me a bit of time in the morning, so I won't need to rush.
Later on it'll be the leftovers of yesterday's chicken curry. It wasn't bad at all, so I think it should be better the second time round. Hopefully it'll be dvds afterwards with a bit of peace and quiet for afters.

Now

Gobby fat chavette in library alert. She's one of the regulars. I wish her parents had used a condom. The stupid cunt has completely put me off going to the landlord's. Now I'll probably do it in the morning, after I've finished playing.

In the meanwhile

I've been busy. After a bit of lunch I made my way to the council offices, and they've given me some leeway on my bill. After that I went to the library to write out my appeal. This time I wanted to write it by hand. For one thing I haven't put pen to paper for a very long time, and for another I'm hoping they might pick up on how I feel from my handwriting. I listed in detail a three-page catalogue of omissions and misrepresentations, but I don't expect any result in our present Victorian Age.
Then things started to go slightly odd. I went to scan the letter and the library's scanner decided to commit harakiri on me. Then I tried to get into my social media page, and the site was having problems that prevented me from logging in. So change of plan. I went to the post office and queued for twenty minutes to buy a stamp. That was a grim and very miserable experience. Then I went home to scan the letter on my own computer. Then I went to post the said letter. Well I got there eventually!

Soon

I've just written up my fifth history thing of the day. Bloody autism. I just can't leave it alone. In a minute I'm going home for the toast that I couldn't face earlier. After that I'll come back to the library to write the appeal.
The weather is lovely today, hardly any wind, bright and a good bit warmer. That should give the plants a chance.

This morning

I've done quite a bit of history writing this morning. I feel very tired with thinking about some things I must do this afternoon. First of all I'm going to ask for a bit of time to pay a bill. Then I need to write my appeal to the Parish Governors. After that I'm going to see the landlord. Apart from that I've got a quiet day.

Earlier on

I got up very drowsy and had my fags and coffee. I had just sat down when that fucking kid started making an almighty racket, much to the evident amusement of its father. He added to the overall tranquility by playing music that was louder than the kid, and singing along to it. It suddenly went quiet at a quarter to eight. There was no sign of Madam. Either she hadn't come to, or she was out. I suspect the latter, as the woman is completely incapable of doing anything quietly.
Then it was up to the library as usual.

Sleep

I turned in listening to the Boccherini string sextets again. I woke up just after twelve and stayed awake for a while. Later on I had been awake for a while, and when I checked the clock it was five past two. I was still awake at half past four and thinking of getting up. The next thing I remember is getting up at half past seven.

Last night

Dinner wasn't bad. Afterwards I sat down to watch The Old Curiosity Shop. I suddenly felt very tired and went to bed at eight. Them upstairs were mostly quiet, but there were the occasional stampedes and overexcited screams and shouts. One time I heard a loud bang followed by a howling and a wailing, and that cheered me up.

The rest of today

I'm feeling quite indifferent about dinner, so it's going to be curry tonight. Earlier on I did a bit more of my history stuff, so I suppose I shall carry on thinking about that for the foreseeable future. I'm hoping to watch a film later on. I also hope that the people upstairs will be reasonably quiet, just like they were last night. That shouldn't be too big a thing to hope for.

An event

Apparently it's world Non-Smoking Day today. Well let me tell you something. In my flat it's not world Non-Smoking day today or any other day.

In the meanwhile

It was a shocking quiet day with three visitors altogether, not counting one of my close people who came to see me. That made what was otherwise an appalling day bearable. I don't think Wednesdays are the best day to open. Wednesday is a funny day. Fridays would be better.

Dismayed

Again the ruling classes have closed ranks and launched another onslaught on the disabled. We are now another sad step closer to the workhouse. Money is respected and worshipped. The vulnerable are vilified. This is good old Christian morality showing its true colours. Surely it's about time that chartered accountancy were made illegal. All they do is to help the very richest 'avoid' paying the taxes that are required by law. It is not tax avoidance. It is nothing lass than evasion, and should be a criminal offence. If the richest paid their taxes properly, there would be enough money to care for those who most need it. In spite of 'austerity' we still have money for wars. The whole thing is despicable and vile.

http://buff.ly/1R4t6vt

Later on

I'm playing in about an hour's time, so I shall need to go home and move the keyboard first. The weather is quite nasty, but we've had some of our best days at the historic building when the weather has been nasty. Fingers crossed then.

A dream

I've just remembered a bit of a dream I awoke from at four o'clock this morning. In it a very pious person of my acquaintance came over to me saying that he had read about some decisions that I had made, before continuing to pour moral scorn with a great dollop of condescension on me. I felt very angry, turned my back while he was talking, and started to walk away. Then I woke up.

Thinking

I've just been out for a fag, and that wind ain't half cold! While I was there I remembered something my best recently told me. He said that I ate frugally and have always eaten frugally. To be honest I was a bit surprised, as that wasn't how I saw it. But when I think about it, the main criterion of my meals is that they should be sustaining. Then I remembered the several times in my life when I experienced extreme want, and when I was nearly always hungry. Compared to those times I eat very lavishly indeed. I don't cook anything too complicated when I eat alone, which is most of the time, but I am a good cook, and make much more elaborate things when I eat in company. But then the latter is a much more enjoyable experience. I have a great dread of hunger, so I usually have a huge stockpile of the 'basics' in my kitchen.

This morning

I thought about yesterday's gardening as I had the fags and coffee. I've now got four raspberry plants and a geranium growing in my window-box, and I kept getting up to look at them. I was very good and had some toast, and enjoyed some of the lovely jam that my friend made. Then it was up to the library. The rain has all but stopped for the moment, but the strong wind has turned to gales, and that made very hard work of my short walk.

Sleep

I listened to some sextets by Boccherini as I settled down. I was awake for a while around four, and could hear that it was raining and very gusty. I got up at a quarter past seven, deep in thought and very tired.

Last night

Dinner was dull to the point of being annoying, but I ate about half of it. Afterwards I watched the remainder of Hard Times. Upstairs were strangely quiet, and that put me on edge. I was waiting for the moment when it would all start up. There was a bit of noise from the garage later in the evening. That was rather distracting, but nothing like as nasty as the stuff I usually get. Bed at half past nine.

The rest of today

Yesterday afternoon, I forgot to mention that there was a terrible row just before I left the library. The police were called but the man fucked off before they arrived.
Anyway coming back to now, I think I'm just about ready to go home. It'll be dinner as usual, and who knows what. I hope it'll be nicer than last night.

Now

Chav kids in the library, whizzing up and down on chairs and making a noise etc, and being generally unpleasant. I told them to shut up. If they carry on much longer I'll ask the librarian to chuck 'em out. Cunts.

A fact

The people upstairs are a bunch of cunts.

The autistic gardener

I've just come back from the gardening thing. It was lovely. I'm glad I went. The people were really nice. I met two autistic people, one adult and one teenager. I was apprehensive before I went, but I got on well with everyone. I enjoyed kneeling on the wet ground and being up to my elbows in mud. I also enjoyed cutting down hazel stems and making the frames for baskets. I'm going to go every week.

Sleep and that

I turned in listening to concerti grossi by Giuseppe Valentini. They were ok, but not as good as the Geminiani. I slept badly, again having two periods of wakefulness.
I got up tired at seven, and followed the fags and coffee with some toast. I'm getting better with breakfast lately. I never used to bother with it.
Then it was up to the library for another bit of history writing. Now I'm just about to go to the gardening thing.

Them upstairs

They were evil. It started at just after four and went on periodically until after twenty to ten. The worst time was between ten to eight and half past nine, when it was relentless. Mum was setting the kids a fine example with her screaming and shrieking. I'm not a misanthrope. I like the sound of people enjoying themselves, but not every night and not that loudly. I try to console myself with the fact that it won't be for ever.

Last night

I enjoyed dinner and sat down to watch Charles Dickens' Hard Times. I didn't see much of it. Bed at twenty to ten.

The rest of today

I think it is probably high time I went and sorted out my keyboard. After that I'll fish something out of the freezer for dinner. I hope it'll be a quiet night. If not, at least it won't go on for much longer. I expect I'll watch something later, although I don't know what.

In the meanwhile

The appointment went well. He started off by suggesting things I might do now. I'd already done them all, as it goes. Then we got onto the academic cv. All it needs now is a bit of a tweak here and there, and then it will be ready. As I was coming back to the library, I noticed how cold it was getting. It hasn't brightened up at all all day.

Moods

This is something that another autistic person posted on social media. On the one hand I'm reassured that I'm not the only person who goes through it. On the other hand I'm really sorry that the other poor bastard has to go through all that too.

Nowadays

We live in very selfish times, and that selfishness goes right to the heart of the government. It's values are selfish ones, and its actions endorse the view that selfishness is the 'right way'. This is also a time of callousness. The homeless, the poor, the disabled, the mentally ill, the most vulnerable in society, are all looked upon as pariahs and are treated accordingly. It is a time of shameless and unrestrained Victorian morality. It is the morality of the 1834 poor laws, which were enacted during Victoria's reign. The very same underclass was punished in those days, just as it is being punished now. The morality was that if people didn't prosper, or couldn't manage at all, then it was their own fault. That is also the morality of the present day. The disabled were required to do whatever hard work they were physically capable of. Nowadays the severely disabled are required to prove that they are incapable of work. The mentally unwell were confined to institutions. That doesn't happen anymore, as having fewer institutions is a cheaper option. The present administration goes one step further by under-funding mental health provision, with the net result that it is inaccessible to many of those who need it. But it does save money. The Victorians who implemented and supported the system called themselves Christians. So does the present administration. That is progress indeed.

The picture is of the Oxford Union Workhouse, where one of my direct ancestors went to die.

This week

I'm going for my first solo visit to the gardening thing. The man told me that they have some seeds to be sown, and I enjoy that sort of thing.
I've got a busier week on the music front. I'm playing Wednesday lunchtime, Friday morning, Saturday and Sunday lunchtimes and Sunday night. That will keep me out of trouble!

Today

I've got a boring day today. Early this afternoon I'm going to see the man who is helping me with work. That's ok. I get on fine with him. I've already tipped him off about the depression so he's prepared for it. He contacted me this morning to say he'll have a look at my present situation with me. After that it'll be time to move the keyboard. Yawn.

Just now

I've just been out for a regulation smoke and got thinking about the weather. Today it's cold, grey, damp and very still. It's a complete change from yesterday, with the lovely, bright sunshine. Saturday was different still, very cold and extremely windy. I noticed that alright on my jaunts up to the pub.

A problem

Last night somebody asked me if I'd try and play something from Carmina Burana. I started but stopped almost immediately. I told the person that I wouldn't play it and he asked me why. I replied that Herr Orff was just a bit too cosy with the Nazi party. I said I found playing any Orff to be grossly offensive, and I would not play Wagner or Richard Strauss either. What I didn't go on to say is that my Great-Grandfather was a German Jew. You can't blame me for taking a very dim view on these composers.

An idiot

Autism sometimes does fuck up my life. For example if I have something different happening in my life, I can get so preoccupied with making sure I get it right, that I overlook important things along the way.
Autism affects the co-ordination too. I cannot judge distances or speeds, and am terrified of being in control of any sort of transport, or any means of propulsion. I won't ride a bike or roller-skate, and I don't drive.
Autism brings some level of clumsiness. When I was seeing my friend off on Saturday and saying goodbye, I managed to bash the bone just behind my ear with the car door. It didn't hurt but has swollen since. Another characteristic of my autism is reduced sensitivity to pain. What a strange life I have. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you were in my shoes?

Looking back

Las week was one of the nastiest that I've had for a while. Its only redeeming feature was Saturday night. I'm already in the grip of anxiety and depression. Then on top of that I was put in a very bad place by the system. I've dealt with the immediate part, and I'm getting some help with the foreseeable future.
Then on top of that all sorts of other things have upset me. One close friend's father almost died. One not-so-close friend was subjected to a serious assault. One not-so-close friend is dealing with the loss of a close friend. Then at the pub last night two people who I know on sight broke off their relationship and created a very prolonged and ugly scene. And after that another not-so-close friend told me that his relationship had just broken up, and then the two of them were involved in a horrible, lengthy phone conversation that was still in progress when I left. I can never turn my back on anyone who has been good to me, but I do feel very overloaded with it all.

More autism stuff

The picture on the left isn't exactly me. I do not have an expressive face, so it is only those very few people who are close to me who will spot how I feel. The general public will have no idea.
The picture on the right does represent how I am used to feeling, but doesn't anymore. Since I've had the diagnosis I understand that anxiety and depression are part of the deal. So the same feelings are there, but I try to tell myself that I have coped reasonably well, and that people like me more than I like myself. I do feel isolated, but that is because of a conflict between wanting to socialise but needing to be alone. My guilt is now turning to revulsion at how I have been treated, and despair at all the missed opportunities. The anxiety is very real. I fear the unknown. These feelings are not unusual for me. I have had them all my life, and have either coped or not. What is different now is that I now have the knowledge to try and make sense of it all.

Perhaps

There is more than a shred of truth in this.

Sleep

On Saturday and Sunday nights I turned in listening to Concerti Grossi by Geminiani. They are very good, and based on things by Corelli, probably trio sonatas, but I haven't read the booklet.
Sleep has been quite unsatisfactory, and I've been waking up a few times during the night. So I get up tired of a morning and have a bacon sandwich for breakfast, to try and give myself some energy.

Sunday

The musical stuff was a complete flop, both at the historic building and at the pub. It was quiet and I didn't really have the will to carry on. I lumbered on for about an hour and a half before stopping. I stayed for one pint before going home. Bed at half past ten.
In between the two gigs I did manage to sleep for an hour, but it was that funny sort of sleep where I'm aware of thinking and thinking, and wake up feeling as if I'd been watching films.

Saturday night

It wasn't quite as expected but it was the nicest part of the whole week. When I got home from the library and started cooking. I made a curry. It is always curry when I can't be bothered. Just as it was almost done my best friend called to invite me for a drink. Well you try stopping me! I was at the pub very soon after. We didn't stay long as my friend had other commitments. I went home, had dinner, and made it back up to the same pub for the birthday drink that had already been arranged.
On my first visit there, someone came over and to say hello. I hadn't seen them when I arrived. They are not people I would normally talk to, as they are friends of people who make me feel sick, but in all honesty they have always been nice to me. I only told them the things I wanted them to hear, so that whatever was passed on would show how successful I've become (?)
The second trip there wasn't very successful. Of course it was lovely to see the birthday girl and the others. It had become too noisy though, with loud music and numerous conversations all going on at the same time. I couldn't hear a thing and felt overwhelmed by it all. I left after one pint and went home to watch a relatively film about Zorro. Remakes are never as good as the real thing, and this was a case in point. I don't know why they even bother. Bed at tennish.

Quite so

Never a truer word.

The rest of today

Methinks it's just about time I left. I'm feeling bored so it's likely to be curry for dinner. Later on I'm (unusually ) going to the pub for a family birthday drink. Apart from that I expect it'll be pretty much as usual.

Now

I'm back in the library and yes, they are back.

More autism stuff

I have (unusually) nothing to say, except that these things say exactly what I feel.

In the meanwhile

My afternoon session was grim. The place was visited by numerous philistines. There was some good news though. Next weekend they are going to sort out that geezer that doesn't stop talking. He has now upset everyone in the building. Apart from that today was a complete waste of time.

A scientific breakthrough

As I was trying to sleep last night I remembered all the strange and very miscellaneous characters who have started to frequent the library. They all seem to have something in common, which is quite unsavoury. They even look similar. I think I may have identified a new species of hominid, a missing link between the Stone Age and the Computer Age. I will call it Homo Imbecilicus.

This morning

I was tired before I even started anything. It took me ages to get through the fags and coffee, before ironing a shirt and getting into the bath. Then it was up to the library, where I've just written a nice little article about the early history of the street where I live. I had that brainstorm while I was having coffee. Now I must buck my ideas up, as I need to move the keyboard very shortly. I'm looking forward to playing, but I could quite happily shut my eyes.

Sleep

When I went to bed I listened again to the second cd of Les Fetes d'Hebe. There is something very cerebral about Rameau which I feel a great affinity with. I did sleep badly. I only woke up once at 4am, and it took me ages to settle down again. I felt very agitated and had a headache, as I'd been dreaming about my last job, and about one or two of the nastiest little specimens it has ever been my misfortune to encounter. After that I nodded off but woke up time after time, eventually getting up at half past seven.

Last night

After an edible meal I sat down to watch Little Dorrit. It took me four and a half hours to finish watching it, because of all the times I had to stop it. I sat there imagining how gratifying it would be to own a rocket launcher, and to fire it upwards through my ceiling. Bed at half past ten.

Finally

I didn't think things could get any more annoying, but believe me there has been a marked deterioration in the last few minutes.

So that's that. I'm off home before I explode.

Since earlier

I left the library still feeling a bit tense. After I'd done my shopping I went to the boozer for a half. Boozing during the daytime is something I've never done, but today I needed it. When I went home I started the washing machine going and pissed off back to the library. Yes, they are here.

The rest of today

I think I've had enough of computers for one day. I've written two more history things and I don't feel up to writing any more. I'll go for a meander round the supermarket and see if there is anything I want. Then I'm going home for the duration. I feel like I could do with a sleep. Then it'll be dinner and that, as usual.