Another rainbow

The flag in the photo was the Gay Pride flag which hung outside my pub earlier this year. Two issues; firstly I am attracted to men but am not gay, in that I don't share that cultural package. Secondly I can be neither proud nor ashamed of something over which I have no control. Usually I would expect someone to be proud of an achievement, such as climbing the Matterhorn or swimming the Pacific. One's sexual orientation is not an achievement. This flag symbolises something else for me. It is a rainbow, and it is very like the logo of the Aspergers Awareness Community, who are to be found online. It is not a symbol of pride for me, but a symbol of identity. It also a warm reminder of a very special lady. The flag now hangs over my living-room door.

I had another bumpy night last night. I went to bed at 1.45am and got up at 8.20am. It took me a while to fall asleep, and I spent three periods awake with my mind in full gear. I am not going to speak to my GP about the problems I have with my sleep, but I will tell the consultant when I get the appointment.

I went up the pub yesterday. I was glad to see my friend who had been ill. He'd had some sort of stomach bug. He looked washed-up and had lost weight, but I was relieved to see him. The evening was spoiled by one character who visits sporadically. He is a very intelligent and interesting man when he's sober, but he's very rarely sober. He arrived in a very inebriated state and so it began; manic laughter, grunts and incoherent ramblings; ceaseless and without pause for breath, all at ninety-five decibels. I am greatly affected by noise and felt agitated and upset, but I didn't want to leave my friends. My friends are able to laugh it off but I can't. I was so upset my arms started aching and I was on the point of tearfulness. I took myself outside for a few moments and tried to pull myself together.

With Aspergers, what happens is that words, people, feelings, moods and ideas play on ones mind. Experiences & conversations and sounds go round and round and round in your head. You are bombarded to the point of being overloaded, and it can take days for an uncomfortable mood to settle down. I don't feel very nice at the moment, but I will just ride it out. I don't despair of it, but I'm just starting to understand how I feel.

When that person left (he had to be coaxed out of his seat at closing time), he was so incapable that he fell over his bike and ended up underneath the bike. Poor man.

Rotten weather

The weather isn't very nice today. The sky is horribly grey and oppressive, with fast-moving clouds. It's cold, dark, rainy and windy. In short it's rotten, but not too bad at all for the time of year. This time last year I was struggling to get to work in arctic conditions. I don't want to show you a picture of the miserable day. Instead I've included a picture of the glorious sunset of 14th July last, which is much nicer. This is the sunset that I came home to, on returning from holiday in Cornwall.
Since I wrote this morning, I've managed to grab another two hours' sleep. I feel slightly disorientated and have been going through the coffee and fags routine, but with just one cup of coffee. It seems odd that I will be cooking my dinner in about two hours. As usual my brain is full of thoughts and ideas, and working overtime. You will gather from my blogs that I am generally very tired these days. I usually write my blogs soon after I wake up.
There is one final person I would like to tell you about, under the heading 'My Family'. In my last job she was my line manager. She had to show a tough exterior, which I can assure you is not her real nature. I always spoke to her the way I speak to everyone, and we became friends. When I was still in London she would take me out driving at weekends to see the sorts of places we both enjoy. She is very kind-hearted and thoughtful, and a good laugh. We trust each other implicitly.
I had a realisation yesterday, that I have now become a person in my own right, rather than someone who is known through other people. I was very unhappy where I lived before, and had no more than about ten visits in the thirteen years that I lived there. I didn't have the means to entertain, and this is not conducive to good friendship. I was the one who nearly always did the visiting. I felt like I was on the outside of what was going on, a bit of a shadow on the periphery of life. Dear reader, my friends have never treated me in this way, and I don't want anyone to misunderstand this. The feeling was all on my part, because of my inability to reciprocate.
Nowadays I live in a flat that feels like home, that I love and enjoy being in. All my closest friends bar one have visited, and I am able to entertain & put people up decently. I have further built up a social network since I moved, and have made a favourable impression on others through my work in the museum and through my music. I am making the best life for myself that I have ever had.
I am still worried about my friend who fell ill the other day. He has been quite poorly. Get well matey.

Sunrise

In the town where I now live, we are treated to beautiful sunrises and sunsets. They come in a wide range of colours, and I have taken some stunning photographs. The photo above was taken from my living room window, and shows a sunrise a week or so before Christmas. When you're feeling low, a sunrise can fill you with hope, in much the same way as a rainbow.
(A digression: in the garage opposite, a camper van has been parked for a few days. When it's dark I've seen two different cats walk underneath it, and then jump up into the bodywork. I daresay they've found a way into the interior, and are currently scoffing their way through anything edible).
I went to bed at 10.30pm and woke up at some point. I was awake and thinking with my eyes closed for some time. I wanted to get up but was too tired. The next thing I remember is waking up again and laying there thinking and thinking and noticed my foot tapping. I eventually got up at 4.50am. I do feel tired.
Yesterday I went to the pub and had a nice game of scrabble with the barmaid. A bit later two of my closest friends arrived. Lovely. They want to take me to meet her family. It turns out that they live in a village where some of my ancestors came from. I've been there once before. It's absolutely gorgeous. Some of it goes back to roman times, and there are exceptional views out to sea. I think this has played on my mind. I woke up this morning thinking about that bunch of weirdness commonly known as my biological family. I remembered Dad's family, who deserted us at the same time as he did. I remembered Mum's family, bitter, twisted and resentful, who didn't want to talk about their family and hated being asked. I think I've assembled some of the story when researching my family history. I'm better off without them, and feel much more in the way of kinship with the people I now consider to be my family.
I will try and play a bit this afternoon, to get myself ready for the New Year bash at the pub. The pub kneesups are always such fun.

A rainbow

I took this picture on Christmas day. It's not apparent from the photograph that one could see the entire 180 degree arc, the whole appearing to come out of the sea. It was stunningly beautiful. The rainbow has become the symbol for the Autistic Spectrum. The different rays suggest the numerous variety of ways to be human. The colours themselves suggest to me brightness and inspiration. People in my part of the spectrum are often intellectually "bright", and my friends' experiences have been an inspiration to me. I sometimes wonder what colour I am, or if it really matters.
Yesterday didn't go quite to plan. Shortly after I wrote yesterday's blog, my friend's partner contacted me to say that he'd been ill, and that they wouldn't be coming for dinner. The ASD took over. I started worrying about my friend, and this has continued ever since. Also I was confused by the sudden change of plan. I felt quite frightened and very sad. I forgot to go to the bank to withdraw some money for my fags. The fags ran out yesterday evening. I managed to go without until about half an hour ago, when a friend of mine let me have some. Also I couldn't make my mind up about the cooking. I fought very hard to reconcile the fact that the joint of meat had been defrosted and had to be cooked, with the fact that I didn't actually want to cook. In the end my meal was ready at 8pm, instead of 5pm. I didn't enjoy it. If any of my closest friends are reading this, please don't be upset. For the first time in my life I am trying to describe how I feel about things, rather than just ignoring those feelings.
I went to bed at about 12.30am, and had been awake for quite a while when I got up at 6am. I feel tired, edgy, worried and sad. At this moment, to me the rainbow symbolises a thing of beauty which is just ahead, on which goal I must stay focused.
On Tuesday evening I will be playing the music for my local pub's New Year's party. I look forward to it.

My family, part 2

Woke up at 9am this morning with my brain in full throttle. My mood is a bit unsettled, but I'm determined not to get too down about it. Nihil desperandum.
My friend who has aspergers and his partner are coming round for dinner later, which I'm really looking forward to. We're having a sort of christmas dinner with all (or some of) the trimmings. I expect we'll have lots of music, talking and laughter. Lovely.
In my blog entitled "My Family", I listed the people who I consider to be my family. In my haste I omitted to mention five people with whom I have that relationship. I will now redress that omission.
I have already told you about a friend who lives fairly locally. We were at uni together. Well his brother and I have become very close. He is one of the most thoughtful & sensitive people I know, but he does his best to disguise it. He is actually very capable but doesn't see it. He has a wicked sense of humour which is right up my street. He is separated from his wife and has now found a partner. What a lovely girl. She has a lovely way of being able to talk to all sorts of people, and you always feel better for having spoken to her. She is a professional person who has achieved a lot in her field, yet is completely without airs.
Another friend and her sister live in the west country. That friend knows several people that I know, but completely independent of myself, and in different times and places from myself. She has a huge intellectual mind which I find stimulating. She laughs at all the silly things I find funny, and enjoys the music I play. I have spent many happy hours in her company. It was she that noticed that I may have ASD. What a good friend to say so. Her sister and I have become close. She is such fun, has a huge personality, and is a bloody good laugh. She is a serious and deep thinker. We have lots of fun playing piano duets.
Finally, there is one family member who is sadly no longer with us. In my blog "Another Ordinary Night" I spoke a little about a lady who had lived with disability all her life, and had spent her life rising above it. She had such a big heart. She was completely non-judgemental, and showed kindness and understanding to those who were downtrodden and rejected by society. I was such a person when I first met her. She was a tower of goodness, and an inspiration to me. Earlier this year she was admitted to hospital with a chest infection. The staff there didn't give her the medication she was already taking, and as a result she suffered a massive stroke. She died. I find all this so harrowing. I think of her so often, mostly good thoughts, but am still haunted by what I saw. My presents to people are always small, and my last present to her was the smallest of all: I played the organ for the services at the crematorium and church.
That is all.

The last few days

I never look forward to Christmas. As usual, I wasn't looking forward to it this year either. I have been thinking about it; in the first place, when you're a single person you feel that you're intruding on someone else's celebrations. In the second place I'm an atheist and feel it would be hypocritical to take part. In the third place my issues with ASD could potentially ruin the atmosphere for others. I am unsettled by lots of fuss and commotion, and soon feel crowded out and tense.
Let me tell you about this Christmas. On Christmas Eve I went to play old-time song and carols at the pub. There was a lovely crowd of regulars and the singing was spirited. I carried on playing for a while, but it became clear that the people would rather have a chat, a laugh and a joke. I stopped playing and joined in. It was a lovely evening.
On Christmas afternoon I went down the pub and played carols. The landlord & landlady put on an excellent spread, & I brought a pudden. Most of the nice people put in an appearance. My friend who has aspergers and his partner were there and we stuck together as usual. It was all very casual and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The hosts had taken such trouble, particularly since their village had been suffering an extended blackout due to the recent storm. Afterwards I went back with my friends & we played Trivial Pursuit (another first for me).
The landlord & landlady closed the pub on Boxing Day so that they could have their own Christmas. They had told my friend with aspergers (who helps behind the bar) and I that we could let ourselves in, if we liked. We liked, so the three of us had a private party yesterday evening. My keyboard is still there, so I played the music that I really enjoy playing. I had baked a loaf of bread and roasted a small joint of beef, and took these (and some pickles) with me for our supper. We played a card game called Shithead. Unusually I didn't come last in any of the games.
I have had a really lovely Christmas this year. I had forgotten how nice it could be.

My blog

When I first started my blog I didn't know what to expect. I wasn't even sure what to write about, so I decided to use it like a diary, to catalogue my inner feelings, and to write about events in my life. I am astonished that I have had 371 hits since 3rd December. Wow!

A spot of rain

The weather was ferocious yesterday. It rained all day and all night, and it's still raining. We had gale force winds, but thankfully that has stopped. The sky is miserable and dark. This horrible light does affect my moods.
I went up to the pub as usual. Because of the weather I was the only person there for a while, so I played scrabble with the landlord and landlady. I went to bed at midnight but woke up a few times during the night. I was awake for quite some time, with my brain in full gear and the foot tapping, until I eventually got up at 6.40am. I do feel tired.
I will take my instrument to the pub this afternoon and play there for a while to settle in. Then I'll come home, make my dinner & get changed, ready for playing this evening.
I went to the supermarket first thing to get my tobacco & milk. Breakfast is sorted. Ain't I boring.

A creature of habit

When I get up in the morning, I always start the day with exactly two mugs of coffee and a few fags. I then go to the computer to check my email, facebook & blog. Having done this I then have another couple of smokes & practice the keyboard. The rest of the day is taken up with keyboard practice and the computer, until I cook my dinner, after which I go to the pub. I find changes to my routine very difficult, and need to plan them some time ahead. Worst of all are last-minute or unexpected changes, which always throw me completely.
Today was not an ordinary day. I knew I had to go to the letting agents to pay the rent today, and have spent the last two weeks building myself up for it. Anyway I've just got back & it all went fine. On the way back I saw an old-fashioned type bakers and treated myself to something I haven't had for years; a home-made iced bun ring. Sheer luxury! I'd forgotten how good they taste. On this occasion I made a third mug of coffee. I'm enjoying it, but keep thinking to myself that I shouldn't have done it.
When I went to the pub last night, all the regulars who came to the knees-up were there. What a lovely crowd they are. I've grown to feel completely at ease with them. My friend who has aspergers was there with his partner, and we played scrabble. The talkative gentleman who hijacks one's conversation was there. He only spoke one sentence all night; it began at 7pm and was still unfinished at 10pm when he left. As usual, he made a beeline for my friend and I. I completely avoided eye contact so as to avoid saying anything. As usual my poor friend was completely rooted to the spot, unable to get away. He told me later that he was able to completely block the talker out. I wish I had that skill. After he was able to escape, my friend and I used the scrabble board to spell words to describe the person, and had a bit of a giggle. I'm afraid none of the words are fit to repeat here. That aside, it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening.
I will be playing at the pub on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year's Eve. I'm beginning to think of myself as a real musician now, rather than just someone who has been trained to a professional standard. Six months ago I could never have seen myself doing what I do now. That is a huge step for me.

A busy day

Good morning, world. Let me tell you about yesterday. Between 11am and 3pm I played harpsichord music at the historic building. Mentally I found it very gruelling, because I've been playing the same twenty-or-so pieces over and over again for the past three weeks. I won't play there again until the new year, which will give me time to put together a new programme. I am ready for the break. At 3.10pm my taxi arrived, which took me and my instrument to the pub. I got home at 3.30pm, made my dinner and got changed, and was back at the pub for 6pm. That gave me a chance to acclimatise myself.
Yesterday it was blowing a gale, which made it quite difficult to walk along the harbour, so there was hardly anyone about. An elderly couple came into the pub and started talking to me. I didn't really want to talk to them, but was quite civil. Then the man asked me if I could play rock & roll, which of course I can't. Then he regaled me with tales of his own prowess on the keyboard, so I invited him to play mine. After prodding around for about ten minutes he asked me to show him how to play it. I showed him two notes, made my excuses and left. As I got to the top of the harbour, my friend with aspergers and his partner were walking towards me, so I came back to the pub with them. We had a game of scrabble, which helped me to calm down.
Given the atrocious weather, there was a good turnout for the 8pm start. Apart from the regulars, and two more of my close friends, two people I hadn't seen before had travelled some distance to get there. There was another person who only comes when I play, and I've only seen him twice before to my knowledge.
The first half of my programme consisted of christmas carols, which I played with a church organ sound and a pious & supercilious expression. Not my favourite, but everyone joined in.
After a fag break I played old-time pub songs, as well as things like Jerusalem, What shall we do with the drunken sailor, and the happy wanderer. I finished at 11pm. People said very complimentary things about the evening, and that they'd really enjoyed it. I am glad, because if they didn't enjoy it I'd stop doing those evenings.
The landlord & landlady left at midnight, and gave us the run of the place. My friend with aspergers spent some hours playing the guitar, which I really enjoyed. Two new people sat playing my keyboard at the same time. That was fun because neither of them could play, but really enjoyed the sounds they were making. I left at 3.30am, having drunk four pints since 8pm. That wasn't too excessive, but I woke up at 9.45am feeling like I'd had a drink. My mind has been working overtime this morning, but the thoughts are mostly nice ones. I'll need to go back to the pub this afternoon to collect my instrument.

My new life

Moving from London is the best thing I ever did. London was noisy, dirty, smelly and crowded, an aspergers nightmare. The few friends I had moved away, bar two, so I hardly ever saw anyone.
The town where I live now is beautiful. It's an old seaside town with a harbour, and I live right near the sea in the oldest part of the town. Lovely. I have made some wonderful friends here, and know other people socially. I know that whenever I go out I will see someone I know.
I volunteer at the local history museum, which is very fulfilling. I play music in public, which I've never done before.
I have a beautiful flat, and it's the best I've ever had. I am really making a life for myself, for the first time ever. I love it here. All I need now is a job.

A job of work

Went to bed at 1.30am and woke up at 7am. I don't remember waking up during the night, which is fantastic. The higher dose of medication feels very strong and leaves me feeling groggy. Perhaps that's why I slept so soundly. Of course my mind has been working overtime since I woke up, but what I'm trying to do now is to sift and organise the thoughts and use them for my blogs. Last week was a bit of a watershed when I was so overwhelmed with depression. A few thoughtful and constructive words from two dear friends made me sit back and think, and this has helped me to cope better.
Having been made redundant after twelve years service in a horrible job, I want to talk about my work history. The pattern is very common for people with aspergers. I'd take jobs which were well below my ability, because I lacked the confidence to aim higher. I'd stay for a year or two then hand in my notice, because I couldn't cope with the people at work. The people at work always found me odd. I'd then be out of work for an extended period suffering from depression. And then the pattern would repeat. Once I went to Japan and once to Spain, because I found it so hard to cope. With hindsight, how could I hope to survive abroad if I couldn't do it at home? I stuck my last job for so long out of sheer bloody-mindedness. I was so good at it I became team leader then manager.
I do want to work, but my applications haven't been successful yet. To try and overcome this I've been in touch with someone I know at a local college, and she has kindly said she will help me try and get a job. I am so grateful. Please wish me luck guys.

Catching up

Yesterday evening I went to visit my friend from uni. It was lovely to see him and I had been looking forward to it. I cooked chilli con carne for dinner. Quick and easy. Sorted.
I was in a quiet mood yesterday and didn't feel like talking. I was really happy and comfortable there, but anyone looking at me probably wouldn't have thought so. I did tell my friend how I felt; he's probably well used to my oddness by now. We had the telly on, which made a nice change. I have got really bored with mine, and haven't watched it since the end of August. Rather I do watch the telly, but it's always switched off.
I stayed overnight and he gave me a lift back as far as the village where he used to live. I got the bus home from there.
I have a busy day tomorrow; harpsichord music at the historic building during the day, christmas carols and pub songs at the pub at night. I'll spend some time today running through what I'm going to play.
Started taking my higher dose of antidepressants yesterday, so feeling a bit drugged.

Holby City

Ever since the age of fourteen I have suffered from blackouts. They don't happen very often, usually about twice in ten years. I always know when they're going to happen; I get a prickly feeling in my arms and face and my head feels funny. I immediately try to lie down; sometimes I succeed but usually bash the back of my head as I pass out. I just lie there and wait for it to pass. I have always been alone when these incidents happened, except for the last occurrence about four years ago, when my brother was with me. He told me that my hands were moving oddly while I was out. My blackouts were actually fits.
Now I'll tell you why I felt so washed-up yesterday. On Tuesday evening I went to the pub and met a friend there. After an hour or so I started to feel a bit odd and went outside. I then realised what was happening and called my friend. I sat down and he caught me as I blacked out. When I came round my friend was holding me upright. I was held upright until the ambulance arrived. A first aider was there who thought I was having a stroke, and had an ambulance called. I went unconscious again a couple of times and felt so ill I thought I was dying. I don't think I've ever been so frightened. I was also desperately sad, thinking of the wonderful people I might never see again. I started breathing very noisily and then vomited violently. (It turned out that my blood pressure had become dangerously low. Where I was held upright I was suffering the effects of oxygen starvation and had gone into shock). The friend who who had held me said I kept grabbing with my hands while unconscious. I had had a fit.
Anyway I was taken to hospital by ambulance. The crew were fantastic and got me stabilised on the way. In hospital I was put on a saline drip, plugged into some sort of monitor, had blood taken and had my heart checked. After a few hours my condition had improved and I was allowed to go home. The tests I had been given all showed negative.
I want to say a big thank you those friends who helped me, comforted me, came to the hospital with me, and who came round to see me as soon as I got home. Thank you to all my friends for being such caring people.
When my appointment with the autistic spectrum specialist comes up, I will discuss this episode with him, as it could be connected with asd. I did tell my gp about it many years ago, and he put it down to the depression that he'd been treating me for.
I have learned a lesson from this. I am telling everyone I know socially that If I say I feel faint, I need to lie down immediately.
Yesterday I had my gp appointment for depression. He's doubled the dose and signed me off for a month.
Yesterday evening I went to the pub to meet my friend who has aspergers. We had a couple of games of scrabble and talked for about four hours. It was lovely, because we both bring each other out of our shells. That was a nice ending to a pretty rotten day, and I felt really cheerful when I came home.

I am very lucky

I went to bed at 3am yesterday and woke up around 8am. It's a beautiful, sunny day, and very mild. It's hard to think this is the middle of December, and the shortest day of the year is only a few days away.

Physically I'm feeling a bit under the weather today, and I'll explain myself tomorrow.

Every day I think of my family; my real brother and the small group of very special people who have become my family. Does that make me a surrogate relative, I ask myself?

The people I'm talking about all know who they are. I told you about most of them the other day. I want to thank them all for all the emotional and practical help & support they've given me when I've desperately needed it. I want to thank them for always being there, and for being themselves. Thank you is a such a small expression for the very big things they've done. I want to thank them too, for accepting me as I am. There are so many things in life that I find very difficult and challenging, which for "normal" people are easy. I would never have coped but for what they've all given me.

I an a very lucky guy.

Getting into the spirit

I went to bed at 12.30am and had a bit of a restless night. I had been laying in bed for some hours with my eyes closed when I checked my clock at 7am. I eventually got up at nearly 9am feeling very tired.

The antidepressants I've been taking for the past ten weeks don't really seem to be working, so I am going to see the doctor tomorrow afternoon.

Next week it will be Christmas; for one thing I don't feel easy in social gatherings, and another thing is I'm an atheist. I've usually spent Christmas alone. For me it's just an ordinary day, but of course I understand it's an important occasion for those people who love it. This year will be a new experience for me. I will play Christmas carols in the pub at lunchtime, then I will go and see my friend with aspergers and his partner in the afternoon. I really like the idea, because if we feel like being quiet it will not spoil it for anyone. Also I don't like a lot of fuss and commotion.

This Saturday I will be harpsichording at the historic building during the day, and Christmas carolling and knees-upping at the pub that night. I like playing at the pub because they let me play in a corner with my back to people. I maintain contact with the participants by looking sideways when I need to. The pub events are proving very successful and attract high attendance rates. They've asked me to play Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve too; of course I've agreed. No-one else in the town is doing pub sing-songs. Coincidentally the pub's main competitor held a similar event recently and it was a spectacular flop. I know why; they didn't have me (!!!)

Whenever I have been involved in Christmas in the past, I've coped with this by being the one who cooks. It keeps my mind occupied, and ensures that I'm not crowded out with lots of people. Also I am happy that people enjoy what I make; that is my Christmas present to my loved ones. I also like the fact that, even with my "eccentricity" (or weirdness), I am still able to contribute something nice to an important day for my friends.

My family

Had a funny night last night. I went to bed at 12.15am and woke up during the night. My brainwaves were going like the clappers and I could feel my foot tapping, but I lay there with my eyes closed, as I was too tired to move. I eventually woke up with the alarm at 6.30am, fell asleep again and woke up after 7am. I feel a bit edgy and very tired.

Writing these blogs has been a liberating and empowering experience. My one regret is the distress and worry I have caused to the close friends of mine who have read them. I am so sorry. Please understand though, in writing about my life I am facing all my demons head on. At the moment I am merely acknowledging them; eventually I want to confront and to deal with them. I hope that anyone reading this who suffers in silence might be encouraged to seek diagnosis and acceptance of themselves. What I hope for most of all, is that I can take the hand of my dear friend, who suffers so greatly, and bring him along with me. To suffer oneself is bad enough. To see someone you care about going through the same thing is distressing in the extreme.

Let you tell me about my family. I maintain contact with one brother. With my autistic self our relationship has always been difficult, but the relationship has always been there. We are finally getting to know each other better and better. I like and love my brother. He has finally accepted that he is intelligent, and now has a much more interesting life. His wife is a gorgeous, big-hearted lady, and we have good laughs together looking round their garden.

The rest of my family are not biologically related.

I am very close to my ex's sister and her son. We feel that to ourselves, we are family. She is a very kind, compassionate person and very sensible. I have sought her advice on many occasions. Her son treats me with the greatest respect and has always called me uncle, even though he is now thirty years old. He's such a lovely bloke and so talented; he acts and directs, is musical and a linguist. I always refer to him as my nephew, which he is to me. His girlfriend is a real sweetheart, so full of happiness and life, thoughtful and highly intelligent.

My friend from uni lives in the same area as I. A lovely bloke who doesn't suffer fools gladly, except for myself. We had such fun at uni and have been loyal friends ever since. He's seen me very ill in the brain department and has stuck to me like glue throughout. He's an achiever, very intelligent, very capable, and very tenacious when necessary. He, his brother, his dad  & I go on holiday every year. FANTASTIC. I never used to go on holiday before. His partner is in some ways very similar and the kids are such fun. The whole family have always treated me as one of their own, and I feel the same way.

My friend in the town where I live has aspergers. He's a really lovely, good-natured bloke who doesn't accept (or realise) that he's very talented, very capable and highly intelligent. He showed me how to play cards and dominoes, and now we have such fun playing scrabble. I love to hear him play the guitar and he listens to me playing the harpsichord & piano. We talk and talk about our experiences, and the number of these we have in common is both alarming and uncanny. His sense of humour is very funny and can be disarming. His partner is a professional person in a highly responsible position. She's a high achiever who remains down-to-earth, who likes a chat and a good laugh. She's been very good to me.

My friend in Wales is also very intelligent. (Actually all my friends are intelligent, so I won't bother saying it again). She is her mother's daughter and has inherited all the warm personality traits and thoughtfulness. She is a professional person and works very hard, and has every right to feel proud of the kids she struggled to bring up. I am so glad that after waiting many years, she has found happiness and contentment with a fantastic partner.

My friend in France is also her mother's daughter, and has inherited all the confidence and extroversion. A lovely girl, such fun, who enjoys life, likes travelling, and her horse. Happily settled with her partner and the kids. Lovely.

Last but not least there is my mate in Scotland. Very shy, very humble, has had to face a lot, very thoughtful and very musical. We like a drink together and talk endlessly while listening to music. A really lovely, special bloke. I hope that one day, he'll come and see me in England.

Aren't I lucky to have such wonderful people.

My sunday

Went to bed at 3.30am. I woke up at 9am with the alarm but fell asleep again until I woke up with a hangover just after 10am.

At 11am I was back at the historic building playing the harpsichord. The playing went well but I had a couple of very difficult moments. One lady stood right next to me while I was playing and was looking at the score I was playing from. How rude and insensitive. It threw me and I had to stop, then she walked away without saying anything.

One or two other people started talking to me. This also made me stop as I can't do anything else when I'm playing. The people were actually saying kind things but I felt very uncomfortable about the intrusion.

I don't want to wear a sign round my neck to warn people I have asd; but I really don't know how to tell people that I find small-talk and close proximity extremely challenging.

The hangover has almost worn off, but my mood is very strange and my thoughts distracting. I feel really miserable with worry, all the usual thoughts are flying round in my mind with unusual speed and ferocity.

Why do I do that?

I went to the pub last night. To begin with it was very difficult because the place was full of people I didn't know. I sat in the corner and played with a small spinning-top until they left. The person who always hijacks your conversations was also there so I didn't try to say anything. By closing time I had drunk a lot, and then spent some time talking to my friend who has aspergers.

When I've had that much to drink, all my emotions come out. When I'm drunk I never say anything I don't mean, and always remember what I've said when I've sobered up. My own feelings are so painful and so confused I don't have a hope of articulating them, unless I'm drunk. The truth is that I lose my inhibitions and all the guilt and embarrassment of feeling how I do. After a drink I often act the goat as a way of coping with people. That's also part of me, I'm a bit of a clown, both happy and sad. I want to be a good friend to the people I love, but I am persecuted by memories of our last conversations, in case I have said anything that hurt them

I always feel ashamed of getting drunk, and the next morning everything from the drunken episode flies round in my head, together with all the other rubbish that tortures me when I wake up. "Why do I do it?", I ask myself. I just wish that I was like other people, and could cope with the daily fact of being alive.

A letter to the psychiatrist

I am currently waiting for an appointment with the autism unit, to which I have been referred. In the post today I received a copy of a letter from the unit to my psychiatrist, acknowledging the referral, and warning that there is an extremely long waiting list. I am glad that things are moving, but really hope that I won't have to wait too long.

If the waiting list is that long, shouldn't there be more resource available so that people are seen within a reasonable timescale?

A nice chat

I went up the pub yesterday evening feeling really low. I had a lovely time because I saw all the odd bunch. How can you possibly feel sad in company like that? We played scrabble & had a pizza, and best of all we had a bloody good laugh. We also got through a fairly vast quantity of alcohol.

I never went out on my own at all until I was 53 years and 10 months old. Found a brilliant pub which looks out over the water. It's a tiny place with lovely staff. The good thing is that you can sit outside if you want, so it's not too claustrophobic during the summer. Now that the cold weather is here you'd have to be pretty brave to sit outside.

Since I started frequenting this establishment I have started to build up confidence in chatting to people. I'm still not very confident and will generally only talk to people I know. My friend with aspergers is also getting much more confident in this respect. We talk to each other about issues that affect us, and how our lives are, and laugh about things that (possibly) only we find funny. There is one customer at the pub who has issues of his own. This person takes over conversations by butting in very loudly and continuing to talk loudly so that you have to stop. Not just once, but every time he appears, which is daily. Both I and my friend find this difficult; he doesn't know how to extricate himself from the situation, I don't know how to extricate him, and I don't know whether I should say anything. The frustration this causes has led to me exploding on occasions, and swearing at the person. This is really horrible for people like ourselves, who find social chit-chat very difficult. Dear reader, if you have any suggestions I would be very grateful to hear from you.

This blog has been a useful tool for me. I am able to organise my thoughts and express things that would come out pear-shaped if I were to try & speak them. It is very hard for me to speak about my feelings. When I talk about them I use words that don't really mean what I want to say. I have sounded really ridiculous when speaking about my emotions. It's funny that I am now writing exactly what I mean. I can't go round handing out notes on bits of paper to people when they ask me how I feel. I must somehow overcome this.

Today and tomorrow I will be playing the harpsichord at a historic building. Lovely! People milling around, no static audience, no staring, me sat at the side of the room, very, very nice.

Went to bed at 2.10am, woke up with the alarm at 9am. I did wake up a couple of times during the night but got back to sleep. My mind has been very busy with the usual barrage of thoughts etc, but I don't feel as frightened or sad as I did yesterday.

Almost an ordinary day

I played the music at a cultural event today, and will be doing the same tomorrow and Sunday. I played tolerably well and people said they enjoyed it. Whenever I play I always think of my lovely lady friend who is no longer with us. If it weren't for her persistent but kindly nagging I would have never had the guts to go to uni. She would have been delighted to see me finally playing in public.

Traces of the uncomfortable mood I woke up with have stayed with me all day. I have been thinking about my closest friends and worrying about them incessantly.  Thoughts, conversations and faces have been going round and round and round in my mind all day. I expect I'll pop up to the pub after dinner in the hope that I may see one or two of them there.

I'm still feeling a bit tearful and have a pins-&-needly sensation in my arms and hands. All this combined with my erratic sleep pattern has left me feeling very tired.

The odd bunch

Since I moved to this town I have made some new friends. Quite an achievement! We range in age from nineteen to fifty-four.

One friend has ADHD. A lovely bloke who says what he thinks. He is such fun in spite of having overcome so much. Since moving to this town he has made a success of his life. A rough diamond on the outside but a real softy on the inside. He's an extremely sensitive and thoughtful guy.

Another friend suffers with depression. She isn't used to going out much, but is starting to go out more since joining the odd bunch. She is a lovely girl, great fun to be with, who doesn't appreciate how beautiful she is and undervalues her own worth.

Another of the "gang" has aspergers. A lovely bloke I have so many experiences in common with. He is highly intelligent and very musical. He is really clever with his hands. I love his sense of humour, which is just about as barmy as mine. He also undervalues his talents and his true worth. He doesn't realise what a big person he is.
His partner doesn't have asd, but has to cope with the effects of aspergers in her daily life. She is a professional person. I wouldn't like to presume anything, except she's a very courageous lady who must have gone through a lot. I enjoy her intelligent conversation and her sense of humour. She's a joy to be around.

And then there's me. If I had half the skills and attributes of my friends I would be a much better person.

All five of us are from different places who have found each other in this town. Four of us are on the pill (antidepressants). I am so proud of my friends. We all look out for each other. Knowing them is one of the happiest things in my life.

If it weren't for the mental health issues, we probably would never have met each other. My friend with ADHD showed me a picture yesterday entitled "The odd bunch" and said it was like us. We laughed. Actually we aren't really the odd ones, it's everyone else.

The olden days

Went to bed at 12.30am. Woke up but tried to sleep some more. Impossible. Thoughts flying round with a vengeance; conversations, people worries, fear, sadness and all the emotions all at once in  detail and in confusion at the same time. Horrible. Lay like that for ages and noticed my foot was tapping so got up for a coffee and a fag at 6.50am. Feeling very tired and a bit tearful.

Contrary to popular opinion I was not born aged fifty-four. In fact I was once young. All through my childhood I never got on with the other children. During the breaks I used to walk round the playground on my own most of the time. At junior school I used to add variety to this by sitting behind a wall at the end of the playground; if the weather was very cold I used to go and sit in the coal bunker. The other children were rude to me, they used to call me a spastic. Not very kind really.
I often used to get hit by the other kids. I couldn't fight back and was frightened so I'd stand there crying while they hit me, and the other kids would laugh. I didn't understand and still don't.

We were very badly-off when I was young. Mum suffered from depression. I was always worried about everything; with hindsight I was depressed too. I threw myself into my schoolwork as a way of escaping from all the sadness. My parents separated when I was eleven. Dad deserted us (and so did his family) and my brothers and I suffered extreme emotional cruelty. Enough of that. Don't want to talk about it.

At secondary school I hated PE and would "bunk off" lessons most of the time. During the breaks I would go to the music block and play the piano. It is only recently that I have been able to come to terms with my childhood. Nobody noticed the issues I had to deal with, and still face. "You always have to be different". "You are a strange child". "You think you're better than we are". "Will you please get out of the house and play with the other children" "Will you stop talking"

Why the hell did no-one notice that something was wrong? If someone had bothered to care, perhaps I might have had my diagnosis then, rather than having to wait until now. I'm not sure that life would have been happier, but I might have been able to cope better.

ASD is horrible, and it distresses me greatly to think that there are people I care about, who have similar experiences.

As a footnote I have broken all contact with my family, except for one brother who I think the world of. My family now consists of the people I am closest to; the people who matter. I am so lucky to have them.

Thursday lunchtime

I feel shattered. I have been bombarded all day by thoughts, moods, people, events, conversations, and fears. I feel just as I did when I woke up. It hasn't eased off. I have been like this all my life, but this is the first time I have felt strong enough to admit to feeling like this, and to be able to articulate what the feelings are. Having spoken to other people "on the spectrum" I know I am not unique. It would be marvellous to think that one day I might not be plagued by all this. It would be even more marvellous if my friend with Aspergers didn't have to go through it either. That really saddens me because he is younger than I am. Please, reader, try to understand that I am not sitting here having a whinge. I am taking ownership of  how I am and describing what I used to ignore. I am waiting anxiously for my next appointment with the doctors, and hope to receive knowledge that can be helpful to me and to other people I know with the same issues.

A musical interlude

Went to bed at 11.55pm and woke up suddenly in pitch blackness. My mind was working overtime. Complete overload. I lay with my eyes shut for quite some time and noticed my foot tapping so I got up. It was 4.40am. Exhausting. Had a coffee and a fag and I'm still thinking nineteen to the dozen. Yesterday my friend and I went to a concert. I did look forward to it, but I felt very uneasy when we went in. You see, I feel very uncomfortable with so many people around. We sat down; I shut my eyes for a moment and managed to calm myself.
"ASD, probably Aspergers" ain't much fun for someone who is a musician. I an terrified of playing in front of people, as I don't like prolonged eye contact with strangers. I hate being stared at. My professional training taught me to assume a comfortable posture and not to look at anyone in particular, but I feel myself drawn into the crowd and notice every face, all at once. I hear all the whispers, all the coughs, and these blend themselves into a hubbub of noise. It is debilitating and quite overwhelming.
On the other hand I am capable of very long periods of intense concentration and in great detail, again Aspergers' traits.
Another trait is that my musical interests are very limited. I have studied my repertoire to a very high level and thinking about it occupies a good deal of my time. I am also fascinated by the musicology of that repertoire. Frankly I dislike and am not interested in any music, other than what I play or listen to. I always enjoy hearing my friends play but don't usually enjoy the music. (If any of my musician friends are reading this, don't be offended. Please continue to invite me. I want to see you do your stuff).
I am very sensitive to sound. Loud music is noise pollution, and when this is combined with repetitive rhythms, I am affected badly. I get pins and needles in my arms, my chest starts to throb and I panic. When I listen to my friends who play in bands, I generally stand outside, on the pretext of smoking.
I am currently playing at a local cultural event. The set-up there is much more to my liking, as I'm playing informally in a room with people walking around and talking. Of course I notice all the people but they are not staring at you. You don't feel trapped.
I also get stuck when more than one conversation  is taking place in a room. I hear everything that is being said but can't concentrate on any of it. If I'm talking to someone in that situation I try to lip-read, which sometimes works. If it doesn't, I feel panicky and leave the room if possible. If I can't leave the room then I usually switch off.
Ain't it boring.

Wednesday 11th December 2013

Had a very "convivial" time with friends yesterday evening. Lovely! Then we went to our local pub and found two more of my friends there. Even better!! Went to bed at 1.30am and slept soundly till 7am. Unusually I woke up peacefully, however it was only a matter of seconds before all the conversations I had yesterday started going round and round and round. I was filled with worry in case I had said anything wrong. Let me tell you about one of the friends we met in the pub; her son and I were at uni together studying music. He was in his early twenties and I in my late thirties. At the time I was completely zonked out on antidepressants and psychotherapy. To begin with I felt really uncomfortable if anyone spoke to me, and would avoid eye contact wherever possibly to avoid conversation. One day we had just finished giving a concert and went to the student bar, where meals had finished, so we drank instead. I got very drunk and started saying anything I wanted. People said I was great fun, and that is basically how he and I became friends. He has a wicked sense of humour and is such fun to be around. Underneath all that he is very serious, very wise and extremely intelligent. He stuck by me when I had a breakdown after my mum died. His family accept me (and all my weirdness) as their own, and that's why I moved to the town I now live in. We are meeting later to go to a concert. GREAT! Started crying now thinking about the friend I described yesterday.

Yet another ordinary night

Went to bed at 1.30am and slept soundly until 5am when I woke up with a start. My brain was working overtime again so I got up for a coffee & a fag and my life has rushed by. I could barely look anyone in the face until I was in my thirties. I was completely friendless and was up to the eyeballs on antidepressants and psychotherapy. I made friends with one lovely lady about this time. She was quite remarkable. She made light of her considerable disability and achieved a great deal despite it. She had a great sense of humour and a wicked smile. She had such a kind and generous heart. We laughed a lot. She treated me as a friend when I was completely detached from the rest of the world. I miss her. I then made further friends when I went to uni in my late thirties. I am so privileged that my friends are all such lovely people. I don't have many friends, but what I do have is good friends. Given the anxiety, depression and other issues (now diagnosed as asd) I don't really know how they put up with me. My life is still quite muddled & my feelings confused, but aren't I lucky. I have one brother but feel that I really do have my own family.

Another ordinary night

Went to bed at 11.30pm. Managed to sleep till 4am but very lightly; conversations and things that were on my mind came to the fore in my dreams, over and over and over again. I woke up and lay there being bombarded with people, ideas, conversations, things, feelings, emotions and fears. It was exhausting. I eventually nodded off and continued much the same. I woke up and fell asleep several more times until I eventually got up feeling completely shattered at 11.45am. Ain't it fun. Despite all this I still look forward to any help the NHS can offer me. Hey guys, is disrupted sleep an issue for any of you. If so, how do you manage it?

Autistic Spectrum Issues

The past six months have been a revelation. Having been made redundant I left London and relocated on the coast. In the time I've been here I've made friends with a wonderful person who also has Aspergers. We've talked, talked and talked. We've laughed a lot and I've sometimes cried a lot. If you were to ask us to write a book about our life experiences, I'm sure we would write an almost identical book. I would describe him with the same words that a dear friend used to describe me: intelligent, brilliant, very funny and autistic. (I don't have such an exalted view of myself). It is because of the example set by my friend  that I went on to seek diagnosis at the ripe old age of 54. The support shown to me by his lovely partner has also been a tower of strength. Come on guys, if you are suffering the isolation brought by ASD, then please talk to someone, please think about getting a diagnosis, and please think about any support that may be available.

A path of discovery

I am 54 years old. Having suffered from childhood with depression, I have now been diagnosed with A S D, probably Aspergers. Hi guys, don't suffer in silence. There is so much support available. Discuss any issues you have with your GP. I will let you know how I get on.