Sleep

After a healthy ration of both cider and wine, I went to bed at eleven. I woke up plenty of times during the night before getting up at seven. I'm quite fuzzy around the edges but don't feel bad at all.

Late in the day

We had a simple but lovely dinner which was enjoyed by all. I think I must have eaten two days worth of food all in one go. I am enjoying the last of the wine. Such a treat!
My brain is wandering all over the place, just as it normally does. I've been thinking about my vocabulary in general, and my use of the word cunt in particular.  I think I use the word quite correctly. I use the word only when it is the correct word to express that which I want to say. Just the other day I was engaged in conversation upon this very point. I told the person I was speaking to that I had called some particular individuals cunts. He replied that If I did call the people cunts, then they were cunts and must have deserved it. It's always refreshing to get a second opinion.

Thinking

I'm just starting to get my bearings here, and have suddenly realised that I shall be leaving this town first thing in the morning and going somewhere else. I've had such a lovely time. I must try and visit again before too long, and stay a bit longer. It's great seeing people that really matter to me, especially after such a long time.

The weather

It's been a long day, but the weather has picked up dramatically throughout. There are some cumulus clouds, but there is plenty of warm sunshine and a moderate breeze. Lovely. What an Improvement.

Just as usual

I'm going to cook our dinner today. That's something I really enjoy. Cooking for others is so much more agreeable than cooking for oneself. Apart from that it'll keep me occupied, and out of any conversations until I'm used to the other people being around me. There is indeed a method to my madness.

Just now

We made an early start and drove to a local wildfowl sanctuary. That was very enjoyable indeed. The last time I was there I lost my balance and cut my leg quite badly. I concentrated extra hard this time, and made sure that there was no repetition. Afterwards we went to the supermarket to get liquid and solid sustenance for later. My friend is lying down for a few moments. When they re-emerge we're going to their sister's house so I can play her keyboard. That'll be fun!

Thought

I wish I could stop thinking, just for a moment or two. I have heard it said that with Aspergers, the brain has an on and an off switch, with no graduations in between. That is certainly not true in my case. My brain is always on. It is really very tiring.

Just now

I had the most delicious toast for breakfast, made with my friend's home-baked bread. I started eating grapefruit marmalade, before remembering that I'm not allowed grapefruit, as it interferes with the epilepsy tablets. We discussed tomorrow's drive up to Wales, and we're going to stop off at a couple on National Trust buildings along the way. I think it's going to be a lovely trip.

Today

I think today is going to be fun. We're going to look at the town centre, and the weather looks promising. I've got a couple of boring things to do, but we need to get things for the weekend too. We're having a nice meal tonight with my friend's daughter and granddaughter, and I've brought a plum sudden for afters. It just seems daft to keep it for christmas.

Last night

It was lovely to see my friend after such a long time. We had a lovely dinner, a nice bottle of wine (rather, I had a nice bottle of wine), a good chat and lots of laughs. I turned in at a quarter to eleven.
I slept very badly again, vivid unpleasant dreams, waking up a lot. I got up at half past four this morning. My head wanted to go back to sleep, but my body wouldn't let me. I've got a bit of a headache.

En route

The coach journey started off very well, and we reached London bang on time. London freaked me out. I was there for two hours and it was horrible. Bloody awful. I hate the place. London is a cunt. I was so rattled when we arrived there that I left my cap on the coach. Luckily I got it back when the coach re-appeared an hour later.
It took ages to get out of London because of the traffic, and it was traffic, traffic, traffic on the motorway too. We seemed to spend as much time stationary as moving. I hate being cooped up with so many people. It really puts my nerves on edge. The coach driver was very good, and I reached my destination only twenty minutes late.

Shortly

I'm just about to leave the library & go home to get my things ready. Luckily I packed my things yesterday afternoon, so all I need do is to collect them. I'll be at the coach stop about half an hour early. I need to be sure that I'm there on time. The stop is right by the sea, so at least I'll have something nice to watch. I'll spend the journey looking out of the window. I can't read or sleep. I need to see where I'm going, and to know who is around me. I'll be absolutely fine once I'm on the coach, but the build-up to the trip really wears me out.

Just now

I went out to check the weather, and though I'd have a fag while doing so. There is something else that I feel stressed about, namely London. I'm going to be stuck there for nearly two hours. The noise, the people, the lights, the stench, the sheer creeping awfulness of the place. It makes my flesh crawl just thinking about it.

A high moral tone

The great and the good; why are they called such? Often the more one learns about them, the less great and the less good they seem to become.

The visit

Although I look forward to seeing my friends, and I do miss them, I'm feel under the most terrible stress. I'm stressed about the travelling (such things as will the coach come, will it be crowded, will I miss my connection), and stressed about how many people will be at the wedding. It must seem strange to those of you who don't know me, but this is how I feel. My arms and legs are tingling with it all, and I'm getting a headache over my left eye.

Today

I think the cooked breakfast was a good idea, as I'm about to spend most of today travelling. The grub has set me up for the day. So has the weather. Although it's a bit on the cool side and a bit cloudy, it's much brighter.
I'm really so much looking forward to see my dear friend the vicar, with whom I will be staying until we leave for Wales in a couple of days time. My friend is one of the most intelligent, thoughtful, generous and open-hearted people I know, and eminently sensible. That friend is someone I can be myself with, always at ease so never having to be on my guard. We always have a lot of laughs too. And we don't have the telly on. YAY!!! There will be a lot of catching up to do. Can't wait!

Sleep

I had another atrocious night. I dreamed a lot, the same crappy stuff, and woke up many times. I woke up feeling disorientated and giddy. I lay in bed for a few minutes until the feeling lessened. Then it was coffee, fags, bath and a cooked breakfast.

Last night

I enjoyed dinner and ate the lot. Afterwards I watched Aparajito (1957), another Satyajit Ray film. I finished the night with more from Mayhew, including The Cesspit Flusher, The Watercress Seller, The Sellers of Hot Potatoes, Low Lodging Houses, and The Habits of the Costermongers. I turned in at half past ten.

The rest of today

I'll get my things packed for the trip, as soon as I get home. For dinner I'll have the rest of what I cooked yesterday, and I'm sure it'll taste even better today. Later on I'll find something to watch, or perhaps have a read. I'll certainly spend some time enjoying the balcony.

Just now

As I was outside having a fag, I started thinking about one of my first jobs. I don't know why, because I hated it. There was one woman in our team , a gin-sodden virago and a terror to work with. She used to make me smile when she enquired about alphabetical and numeretical lists. She also used to insist that Peugeot was pronounced pig-yot. I'm pleased that I remember something funny about that place.

At the moment

The mood and vague memories of last night's dreams are still with me. I'm in one of my usual states; the brain is overloaded with thoughts. Happiness, apprehension, sadness, you name it. A bit of everything really.

Now

I'm thinking about my impending visit to close friends on the other side of the country. Of course I can't wait to see them but I'm apprehensive about the wedding. I bet there will be loads of people. I'm very relieved, though, that it's not going to be one of those church efforts that try me beyond endurance.

Sleep

I didn't have a very nice night. I seemed to dream continuously that I was travelling around or about to travel, but all the travel arrangements went wrong. There was an air of menace. People and places seemed familiar, but I can't remember who or where. I woke up frequently before getting up at half past six this morning. I feel a bit tired.

Last night

I had one of the most enjoyable meals I've had for a long time. I ate everything on the plate, and had some more later on. I watched Apu Sansar (1959), one of Satyajit Ray's first films. It's beautifully made and not too sentimental. The style is rather like a British film of the period. Afterwards I read some more Mayhew, this time about the London underworld in the mid-Nineteenth Century. I turned in at half past ten.

A question

Why does religion often appear to justify its misdeeds, by saying that other people have also done the same things? I don't get it.

Tonight

I'm having a quiet one at home. I think I might watch one of my old films after dinner. Let's see how it goes.

Now

Having frittered away a few more hours on the family tree, I've now got really bored with it. It's time for a quick trip to the supermarket, then collect the keyboard and go home. The weather looks like it's about to turn rather nasty.

Just a thought

Just now I went out for a fag. It was sheer chaos; numerous convoys of prams and pushchairs going in every direction up the ramp where I was standing, and millions of screaming, overactive children climbing onto the railings or running around unsupervised. I thought to myself, that whatever rubbish may be preached about same-sex relationships, we are certainly not responsible for any of that. We cause very little in the way of social problems, when I think about it.

Earlier

I've just got the two boring things out of the way. Earlier on I nearly forgot that I will need to go and collect my keyboard. It will seem odd to have a week's break from playing. I can't remember the last time that happened. I'll contact the friend that I'm visiting later this week, to see if she still has her daughter's keyboard. If she does I'll take some music with me.

The weather

We've had a lot of rain and wind over the weekend. It's been more like autumn than summer. It had finally stopped raining by the time I went home last night, so after I'd eaten I went and sat at the balcony. I noticed that the one pink that failed to flower with the others is now covered with buds. I'm looking forward to seeing that out. Something distracted me and I looked down onto the street. I saw a fox scurrying along the pavement, then it disappeared, and then scurried back moments later. I do love foxes, and don't understand why they are so persecuted.

My day

I've got my routine workhouse inspection very shortly. Then I need to go to the hospital, to let the neurologist's secretary know about the fit I had on Friday night/Saturday morning. After that it'll be a quick session on the computer before an appointment at one. I don't know what I'm doing after that. My life is certainly eventful nowadays.

This morning

I woke up confused and in a terrible panic. I thought I was at my friend's house, and was worried about how I could get back in time to do the things I must do today. I felt quite disorientated for the moment. After a short while I realised that I was in my own bed, so got up for the coffee and fags. My mood is a bit low, and I feel tired.

Sunday

I made my way home by bus, got myself tidied up and had coffee with toast and jam. The harpsichording session was so-so. I couldn't settle down afterwards, so I played cards on the computer before making my dinner. It was a quiet night at the pub, but a nice one. Some customers asked me to play classical stuff, so I did. Then they asked me to play something that I like, so I played some harpsichord stuff. They asked me to play some more, so I finished my session with a harpsichord recital. When I got home I made myself a McBranston Double Cheeseburger before turning in at eleven.

The rest of Saturday

I went over to my friend's and stayed overnight. I had expected to be helping with things, but found myself doing very little. It was a nice, easy afternoon.

Now

I need to try and look a bit lively now, as I need to make my way to the historic building. A couple of fags on the way might help. The weather isn't as nasty as it was last night, although it ain't brilliant. It's March weather; windy and cold with the slightest hint of brightness. I hope it won't put people off visiting us.

This week

It's going to be all go again this week. On Wednesday I'm going to see a close friend who lives some considerable distance away from me. Then the two of us will drive to another part of the country for a mutual friend's wedding. It's going to be lovely to see people again.

Today

I'm harpsichording this lunchtime, but feel as if I'm currently on auto-pilot. Never mind. I shall just have to overcome that. Besides I know I play well enough to give a decent account of the music. Afterwards I'm off to see my friend from uni, and I'm looking forward to that.

Last night

When I got home I changed into dry clothes and decided I needed something hot to eat, so I made a fry-up. I had my dinner at ten to midnight, and didn't really enjoy it. I slept very badly, and remember listening to the rain several times during the night. I am convinced that I must have had a fit during the night, partly because of how I feel this morning, and partly because of the 'waking up and waking up' thing that I remember during the night. I hate those fits. They're cunts.

Something in the air

I had a very unusual sort of day yesterday. After the interview and a trip to the library I tried to have a nap, but all the ambient noise prevented me from doing so. I knew I needed to eat but I was in no mood for doing so, so I had a bit of toast.
It had rained during the day, and the rain was easing off by the time I set off for the party. The bus trip was fine, but the rain was torrential when I got off the other end. There was quite a lengthy walk to the venue. I don't know the area and there was nothing to show where the place was. Having walked up and down a few times I eventually found someone who knew where it was. I arrived there completely soaked through.
I felt quite wretched when I arrived, so kept to myself until I felt more comfortable. There were lots of people at the party, but I coped with that by sitting quietly at the edge of the room, and only talking to people that I know. I was startled when someone I didn't want to see came over and spoke kindly to me.
I stayed for a few hours, and the party was still in full swing when I left. I found the bus stop quite easily and arrived home soaking wet. Yes, it was still raining.
Yesterday was a peculiar day. Several of the people I spoke to at the party said that they had also had an un-enjoyable day, and some didn't even want to speak about it.

Now

That's the lot now as far as the library is concerned. My brain is completely frazzled. I'm going to try and sleep for an hour before setting off to the party. I'm tired.

The interview

I have just got back home, having left at half past eleven this morning. There was the most appalling traffic jam on the way, which made me late for my appointment. I am thankful that the people still saw me. I spoke in depth about my physical and mental health issues. That was very hard. I feel quite burnt out now.
While I was there the local mental health team contacted me to arrange an appointment. Of course I couldn't reply, so I went in to see them on the way back. That's been arranged for the week after next.

Now

Oh well. Here goes. I'm just about to set off to get on with my day. I've got a bit of a headache over my right eye, and I hope it won't get any worse. It's very dull outside and drizzling. It's that horrible, glowing grey sort of light that so affects me. It's really the most appropriate weather for my day.

Tonight

I'm going to the birthday party of one of the people I'm closest to. I've been really worried about it, as because it's a big birthday, there are going to be lots of people there. There is absolutely no way that I wouldn't go, but I don't think I'll be able to stay for very long. In all honesty I don't think this afternoon's interview is helping much. I'll be going more-or-less straight from one intensely difficult event to another. Chin up then. I need to do it.

Moods

Lately I've done a lot of thinking. I've been mulling things over, sifting, evaluating and re-evaluating. I feel that I'm now much clearer about how my life is, and about what I would like from it. My mood is consequently lighter than it has been for quite some time.

A musical interlude

I have my normal, busy schedule this weekend; harpsichording for a few hours both Saturday and Sunday lunchtimes, and then playing at the pub on Sunday night. I'm going to see my friend on Saturday evening, and I'm looking forward to that as well.
This Wednesday I'm going to see some close friends that I haven't seen for a long time, because they live such a long way from me. It will be lovely to see them. They have a keyboard, and they like my playing. I expect to regale them with pieces from the Fitzwilliam Virginal Book.

Today

I've been creaking and aching since I got up, but I'm not complaining. After coffee and fags in my friends garden I was driven home to get myself smartened up. I'm wearing a suit but no tie, ready for the interview at lunchtime. I'm not at all looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to getting it over and done with.
I hate interviews. I am intensely uncomfortable when someone I don't know starts talking to me and looking at me. It's torture. I will have to walk the tightrope between maintaining eye contact, and giving someone the eyeball. The hard bit will be to try and find the right words to say what I really mean, when I'm being constantly intimidated by surroundings with which I am unfamiliar. Deep breath now. I can only be myself.

Yesterday

We had a heavy day, packing, unpacking and ferrying things from one house to the other. I'm glad I was able to help though, and I am glad. After we had finished we watched Hobson's Choice (1954) and some episodes of Family Guy. Meanwhile we drank some lovely champagne and a white Maconnais out of teacups. The take-away curry came later on. That was a lovely end to the day.
I went to bed later than usual and didn't sleep very well.

Wednesday night

I went to my friend's and made a curry. I didn't enjoy it but they did. I went to bed early and very tired, but didn't sleep very well. I got up around eight or so the next morning.

A great leap backwards

The spirit of the eighties isn't quite dead. More's the pity. I remember our first female Prime Minister quoting St Francis of Assisi's prayer, all sanctimonious, and then presiding over a government which  reinforced the very values that the venerable saint had wanted to overcome. Those were years of greed, prejudice and intolerance. I will stand up to such horrors until such time as I stop encountering them.

Pause

I've just had to contact someone. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I had to do it though, however unfortunate. Sad.

Good news

Someone is coming with me to the appointment on Friday. No I didn't ask them. They offered. And they are driving me there. It's sometimes very odd how you find out that someone is a real friend. It comes right out of the blue. That person knows the ropes too, so that will be such a help and support for me. I'm not nearly so worried now, although I feel quite edgy about it, as usual.

A sense of smell

Recently I reminisced about how Greenwich used to smell when I was a boy. The smell was sooty and oily. It was an industrial smell. It was the smell of centuries of toil and sweat. It was the smell of people living hand to mouth and just getting by. It smelled of a community.
When I came through London the other day, all I could smell was petrol fumes. It was a sterile sort of smell, that had none of the pleasant associations of my memories of Greenwich. It smelled of the tyranny of the motor vehicle, of traffic congestion, of over-population, of me-me-me. It smelled of selfishness.

Coincidence

Yesterday morning I heard quite a crash coming from my bedroom. When I looked a whole section of architrave (I think that's what it's called) had fallen off the wall and landed on my bed. I'm busy this week, but will tell the landlord about it on Monday.
I have heard it said that the outer world can reflect the inner world. In this case there is more than a passing resemblance.

Until the weekend

I've got a busy time ahead. After my harpsichord session I'll be helping my friend move house this afternoon and tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that, and will make our dinner for this evening. I'll stay there tomorrow into Friday, as I have that appointment at lunchtime. It'll take me the best part of the day to get there and back. Then on Friday night I'm going to a birthday do. I'm worried about how many people will be there. The person whose party it is, is family to me, so I'll stay with them.
Friday's appointment has been quite a nuisance. I've had to cancel one appointment. I had also promised to make some food for the party. The stuff I was going to make needs to be eaten fresh, so I can't make it anymore. I'm disappointed about that.

This morning

The weather is really beautiful today, and very warm. I found myself looking at my balcony as I came round with the coffee and fags. I hadn't noticed before how popular the lobelia and the fuchsias were, with the bees.
After a much-needed bath and shave, I made my way to the doctors to collect my prescription. Now I can start taking the full dose again. Then to the library for a short while, before I go to play this lunchtime.

Sleep

I didn't feel very comfortable when I turned in, so my sleep was consequently uncomfortable. I got up three times during the night, and had horrible dreams. I got up at just before six this morning, feeling a bit tired.

Last night

When I went to the freezer I realized that I'd run out of frozen hamburgers, so I defrosted a fresh one that I'd frozen. That was dinner out of the way. Then I settled down to the compilation of articles from Punch, dating from the mid-Nineteenth Century. I went and looked at my balcony from time to time, and enjoy the things I have grown. The bastards upstairs started shouting at around 9pm, but it didn't go on for long. The stamping followed by the crashing around went on for longer, and I found it impossible to settle down afterwards. Bed at ten.

The rest of today

I think I've had enough of the library for now. I know I've definitely had enough of the people. I'll go to the supermarket for a couple of things, then spend the rest of the day at home. I don't feel at all relaxed, so it'll probably be hamburgers for dinner. Then it'll be the usual sort of evening, watching, reading or neither.

Gulp

I've just received a reminder for an appointment on Friday lunchtime, about 25 miles from where I live. I don't know what happened to the original notification. I certainly haven't had it. It's an important appointment, and one that I want. I'm dreading it though, and will probably be worried all the way up to it.

On reflection

While I was outside just now, having a smoke, my mind started wandering, and thinking about life. I am interested in very few things. Those things I do like I have a limitless passion, and endless curiosity for. Those things I am not interested in I avoid like the plague. I like the things I'm interested in and dislike the others. That leaves me in an interesting spot when it comes to my activities as a musician. When I think about it there is a huge corpus of music that I'm not even slightly interested in. Much of it I dislike. However that small part of it that I do like I love with a passion, and know in the minutest detail.
I realize that I'm just the same when it comes to people. I love very few people, and I do love them. They are always in my thoughts because they are the only people who really matter to me. Other people are of no interest to me whatsoever, and I avoid them as much as possible. Other people are that baying mob that seems to go out of its way to make an introvert's life so difficult. They are the ones who insist you conform with their way of doing things. That's people for you.

The weather

Yesterday was a so-so sort of day, and that applied to the weather too. It was warm during the afternoon, but very muggy. It's a beautiful, warm sunny day today and not at all humid, so much more comfortable. I enjoyed standing outside with a fag just now.

Moods

I still feel very disgruntled, but the feeling is not so intense as it has been. It's still there alright. This morning I saw one of those people who smiles at me. Superficiality is very annoying. Take no notice, I told myself. Just can't be bothered with superficiality and pretence.
I do feel very tired this morning. It's a strange sort of tiredness that I experience only occasionally. It's the sort of tiredness that comes after a fit. I don't remember having one during the night, but I think I probably did. So what. I'll just get on with it. At least when I have them during the night, I don't hurt myself by falling.

Sleep

I was very tired when I got to bed. I was awoken from a nightmare at 11.40pm by the idiot upstairs, who had started shouting. That stopped as soon as it had started. Shortly afterwards the burglar alarm went off in the premises over the road, and continued sounding until the proprietor arrived about ten minutes later. I felt very drowsy and numb, so rolled a fag and had it at the balcony. I didn't want to go back to bed. I thought that if I did go back to bed, then more noise would start up, so I went and lay down on the sofa. I woke up around 4am, and went back to bed for a couple of hours.

The rest of yesterday

I couldn't be bothered to cook anything too extravagant, so I casseroled some sausages and kidney beans. It was just as unappetizing as it sounds, I can tell you. I ate some of it, then settled down to watch Sunset Boulevard (1950) starring Gloria Swanson, William Holden and Erich von Stroheim. It's a good film, but I soon got tired of it and it started to annoy me. I found that although I was watching it, I hadn't taken in a single thing that had happened. I went and sat at the balcony and waited for the thing to finish. Bed at half past nine.

The rest of today

After a quick dash to the supermarket, I'll spend the rest of the day at home. I don't know whether I'll cook anything or just have something convenient. I may or may not read or watch something. I certainly will have a look at what's growing on the balcony. I hope too that upstairs will be quiet.

Earlier on

After getting my stuff out of the way first thing, I've spent some more time on the family history. It certainly keeps my brain occupied. The trouble is as soon as I stop doing it, the thinking starts up again.

London

Crossing London yesterday did my head in. The traffic, the traffic lights, the bright lights, the smell, the people, the noise. The noise. It was all very upsetting. I think London must know how much I hate it, because it conspires to keep me there for hours when I'd rather be at home.

Moods

Saturday wasn't the best. Underneath my happy exterior I was troubled by the thought that it would have been my mother's fortieth wedding anniversary. I miss my mum but certainly don't miss him. The only thing I regret is that he couldn't have been late sooner. When I sat alone on the rocks I had vivid flashbacks of events that took place when I was in my teens, and of other things that happened since. Horrible, and very sad.

A musical interlude

I'm back to my normal harpsichording sessions this week, and will be looking forward to them by the time they come round. I feel zonked this morning and my joints ache, but I'm sure that will have worn off by Wednesday.

My holiday

I had a really lovely time with some of the people who matter most to me. I always enjoy our breaks, and certainly wouldn't go on my own. I'm not getting any younger and don't find camping quite so easy as I used to, but I still enjoy myself every time we go. This morning I am quite tired, both inside and out. It was definitely worth it, and I hope there will be a next time.

Yesterday

I had slept very well, having modified the sleeping arrangements. It rained during the night, but I woke up nice and dry. I needed to leave before everyone else so came home by coach.
The coach trip was quite epic. It trundled sedately from village to village before eventually arriving at Plymouth. The journey was very good until we got to Slough, at which point we met the usual sorry catalogue of 'accidents' (usually a misnomer for 'bad driving') and road closures, which got me to my connecting coach with just two minutes to spare. I got there alright but the driver wouldn't let me get on, as it was already full of passengers from another coach which had broken down. That meant I had to wait two hours for the next coach home. After setting out at nine in the morning, I eventually got home at a quarter past eleven at night. I was feeling very tired indeed. I passed the pub where I play and saw that it was empty, so I had a quick pint to settle down.

Saturday

We all felt much livelier that we did the previous day. The day started with a good fried breakfast in the village, before we drove to another village further down the coast. Our group decided to go fishing, which I don't enjoy at all, so I sat high up on the rocks, watching the sea. What I enjoyed instead was all the wild plants I saw and photographed. Afterwards we had a few pints and something to eat before returning to the camp site. The day ended with a lovely barbecue, gin and tonics and wine.

Friday

We left at 5am for a very long drive to our destination. We had two short breaks and got there at 1pm. As soon as the tent & camper van were set up we went to the village for something to eat and a couple of pints. We were all feeling very tired, and were all asleep by 8pm.
I made the mistake of bringing a double airbed, thinking it was a single, and of course it was too big to go into the tent. I half-deflated the thing so I could get it in, and slept with the bottom of the tent undone. Yes, you are right. It did rain during the night, and I woke up with wet bedding and soaking wet feet. Never mind. I lived.

Tonight

It's bliss to be somewhere other than home. This is for me a much more relaxed environment. It's early to bed for me, ready for an extremely early start in the morning. Night-night!

Moods

Quite odd really. I was thinking about my moods earlier, and concluded they are the inevitable result of a brain, whose thoughts are constant, manifold and completely out of control. That's all there is to it.

The rest of today

I've had a different sort of afternoon, starting in one place and going to a third place via a second. I am enjoying myself. It's such a treat that I'm not on my own this time.

A musical interlude

The harpsichording went very well indeed. It was lovely to see a bunch of six-year-olds jumping up and down to an Elizabethan jig! It came back to me afterwards that it was a highlight of their visit. I'm going to use the 'who likes dancing?' line in future when we are visited by parties of schoolchildren.

Today

I've got a very busy morning ahead of me. After that it's party time! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Moods

Still not brilliant, and I didn't have the best night's sleep ever. I've done it again, you know. I've been so busy thinking that I've forgotten to order my prescription. I'll just have to halve the dose for about a week until I can get another supply.

Last night

There was a fair bit of banging and crashing from upstairs around teatime, but I just bit my lip and waited for it to stop. It started again at about nine, but didn't go on for long. Again I tried to ignore it. I made a very uninspiring veggie thing for dinner and ate some of it. I didn't read or watch anything (except the plants on the balcony) and turned in at half past ten.

The rest of the day

I will cook tonight, noisy neighbours or not. Afterwards I don't know what I'm doing. It doesn't really matter, so long as I get a bit of rest. I'll need my strength for tomorrow, and then hey ho it's orf we go on Friday.

Holby City

A few minutes ago I went to see my lady about phoning for a counseling appointment. She very kindly sorted that out for me, but we were both surprised that the people she was speaking to were sitting in a window over the road and waving at her. Needless to say I crossed the road and spoke to them, and now await an appointment.

The weather

Last night it rained a bit, but not enough to clear the air. It's still very muggy today, and dark enough and warm enough for a storm. I wish it would storm today, as I'm going to be busy for the next few days.

Earlier on

The harpsichording didn't go my way today. I don't mind though. That's just how it goes. It's not my fault that it was dullards' day today. I'm playing there tomorrow morning as well, for a private visit.
After finishing there I bussed it across town and got my discount card for coach travel. I'm nationally mobile now (so long as I'm going somewhere that's on the coach network).Yay!!!!!!!!!!

My day

I've already been to see the person at workhouse no.2, and that went very well. I must say these people are really good and very human, and much better than the ones at the other place.
Shortly I'll go and do my harpsichording bit, having been home and moved the keyboard there. I'm not really in the right frame of mind for it, but I'm determined to do it.
Afterwards I'll go and get a coach card, and then get my counseling sorted out.

Moods

Yesterday it took me a long time to get to sleep, as it had done the night before. The constant barrage of thoughts combined with my low mood combined to keep me awake. My sleep too was unsettled. I woke up several times with the vaguest memories, but strongest sensations, of strange dreams. I got up very tired at six this morning.

The rest of yesterday

I went on the computer when I got home yesterday afternoon. Shortly afterwards the ferals upstairs started doing their antisocial stuff, which didn't help my mood. I shut the window and carried on with what I wanted to do, and carried on as best I could against a background of the most atrocious noise. I lost the will to cook, so had the rest of what I'd cooked the previous evening. I didn't really enjoy it.
I didn't really feel like doing anything, but did look at a compilation of Punch articles from the 1840s to the 1860s. They are very well written and so astute. Bed at half past ten.

The rest of today

A little tired now, so off home via the supermarket for a quiet night in. I don't want to eat the rest of yesterday's meal. I'll keep it in the fridge and it'll be even better tomorrow. I'll have an Indian veggie thing with a paratha or two.
I didn't see the man at the council offices. I can't face going through everything again. Tomorrow afternoon I'll see the lady who is already looking after me.

A local treasure

We have an exceptionally good butcher on the high street. Apart from all the raw meat, they sell hot home-made pies and cooked meat, and all at a very reasonable price. Today their hot pasties were on special offer, two for only a pound, so I had one for lunch and will refrigerate the other for tomorrow's dinner. A bargain always gives me a lift.

Today

It's been a funny sort of day for weather. It's still very clammy although warmer than this morning, but it doesn't seem to have got any brighter.
I feel a bit calmer than earlier on, although the feelings are just the same. I think I'm just too tired to concentrate on my thoughts. I am looking forward to the weekend.

Earlier on

I've been to the doctors and he has offered me counseling. It really helped me before the lady who did the counseling left. The system has changed. Now you have to book through the county council, and it will involve one of those horrible automated phone calls. I've been into the local council offices to enquire, and there is someone I can see about it this afternoon.
Also I've been and got my coach tickets to my friend's wedding, so I haven't got to think about that any more. I also found out that, because of my fits, I'm eligible for a disabled coach card, which will give me substantially discounted coach travel. I'm going to sort that out in the morning.

The weather

It ain't very nice this morning;  coolish and very clammy. The only daylight is a dull grey glow, exactle the sort of light that affects my moods and makes my head ache.

Moods

Although I appreciated the relative peace of yesterday evening and night, I was too wrapped up in my thoughts to settle down properly. I was feeling very intense emotions as I wrestled with my conscience, and about what I should do. I think I already know in my own mind, but need to get the depression sorted out so I can think more clearly. I'm seeing the doctor about that later on this morning.

Last night

I had a nice, peaceful time. I didn't hear a peep out of upstairs, so the tenants' association must have been in contact with them. I had a simple but enjoyable meal, which I'll finish this evening. Afterwards I watched Mildred Pierce (1945), starring Joan Crawford and Ann Marie Blyth. I don't often watch American films, but I love melodramas like this. I finished the evening with a documentary about La Crawford, and thank my lucky stars that I didn't know her. Bed at eleven.

In the meanwhile

I did make it to the doctors, but they haven't any available appointments in the near future. The receptionist suggested I call in early one morning, and they'll give me a same-day appointment. It does seem a funny way of doing things, but I'll go and try again first thing in the morning.
After that I went home with my few bits of shopping and copied the recordings of my lovely upstairs neighbours, and have just emailed them to the tenants' association.
In the meanwhile I've taken my keyboard home, and will go back to the pub for the stand a bit later on.

The rest of the day

I think I've had enough of the computer for today. I think I've had enough of screaming babies too. I think it's time for me to go and sort out the keyboard and the doctors.
I'm going to cook a proper meal this afternoon, and then try and have a rest this evening. Let's see how it goes.

Just now

I went and paid the rent in style, by bus. That's out of the way now, so something less I have to remember. I walked back towards the doctors and met someone I know at the bus stop, so we had a quick natter. Then I went into the Indian shop and found a real treat in the form of desi parathas. I adore them and didn't realize they were to be had in this neck of the woods. It really is the back of beyond, gastronomically speaking.
I got to the doctors ten minutes after they'd closed for lunch, which was boring. I'll go back a bit later once I've got my keyboard.

The weather

After an extremely warm and humid Sunday, it's all gloom and drizzle today. It's still very warm and muggy. What we really need is a good storm to clear the air. The quality of daylight is atrocious too.

Soon

Blimey, I nearly forgot the rent and it's due tomorrow, so I'll dash down to the letting agents shortly. Then it'll be the doctors, followed by a trip to the pub to collect the keyboard. Then back to the library this afternoon if I fancy.

The black dog

I was in a right state when I got up this morning. And I don't mean Iowa. I had an appointment with the workhouse and felt that I simply couldn't face them. I felt as if my brain had short-circuited. I did the first thing that came to mind and went and talked to the person I see at the other place. I'm glad I did. Those people are much kinder than at the workhouse, and have supported me in ways both useful and appropriate. I've really got to deal with this now, so soon I'm going to make an appointment with the doctors. The man I saw this morning has asked me to see him again on Wednesday morning, just to make sure I'm ok.

The foreseeable

Unusually I'm going to be out of town for a couple of weekends, which means I shan't be able to play. This weekend I'm off for an adventure with some of my closest people of all. That's going to be lovely. Then I'm going to another of my closest people's wedding, and that will be lovely too. I'm very relieved that it's going to take place in a registry office.

Them upstairs

They have behaved disgracefully all weekend. Apart from being woken up at around 4am on Sunday morning (again), there was the most terrible noise on and off all Saturday evening and night, and again on Sunday morning. Earlier on this morning I got an email from the tenants' association saying that another neighbour had complained about them. I'm glad about that, because if I'm the only one to say anything, it could look like I've got it in for them. The tenants' association is very good. They won't put up with this sort of stuff, and they have told me what they had already done and what they are going to do next. All the antisocial behavior hit me very hard over the weekend, and hasn't helped  how I've been feeling.

A musical interlude

Both the harpsichording and the pub went spectacularly well. Last night I had another pub full of people all singing and playing the spoons. It was lovely too to see the various friends who regularly come and see me. I hate walking into pubs on my own if I don't know anyone there, even more so when I'm going to play. I'm sure these friends don't realize quite how much I appreciate their support. It really has kept me going.

The weekend

It was a funny weekend. My moods have been appalling, and I've come to the realization that I'm in the midst of a deep depression. It's the same barrage of thoughts playing ferociously on my mind. I didn't watch or read anything at all on Saturday evening. I just sat watching the plants on the balcony and thinking, before going to bed at ten.

The rest of today

I'm getting a bit bored with the computer, so I'll have a wander over to the supermarket and see if I fancy anything for dinner. After that it'll be home for another quiet night in. I may watch a film or read but I don't know yet. Let's see how I feel later.
I still feel restless and my mood is similar. I don't think I will be able to concentrate on a film, but I may well put something on just for the background noise.

...and the poor man at his gate

Recently I watched a three-part documentary about the history of domestic service. Many of my ancestresses worked as housemaids or maids-of-all-work. The maids were the first in the household to wake up, and they toiled non-stop until they went to bed long after everybody else had retired. In the larger houses there was a hierarchy of servants, which reflected the class system of the world at large. The established Church was complicit in maintaining and preserving the class system. Did you know that in the Nineteenth Century, prayer books were published specifically for certain classes of servant. The person presenting the documentary read an extract from a prayer book written specially for housemaids, in which the poor maid was told to be satisfied with her lot in life and to submit to it, as it was God's natural order. The book also instructed her to work diligently and without complaint, and to remember her humble station. Any dissent was considered an act against God, therefore was not to be tolerated. Those poor women. It was all stacked against them. They worked so hard and got so little out of life.

Just now

The session went reasonably well. We didn't have many visitors today, bus some of the people liked what I play. I have seen five recent favourable comments about the music in our visitors' book, and someone wrote on Trip Advisor this morning that the music contributed to the atmosphere.
I found playing very difficult as I felt so tense. I had to concentrate on relaxing, as I had felt my facial muscled tightening on one or two occasions.

The rich man in his castle....

In Victorian times everybody knew their place, and the Church was right at the centre of making sure that nobody forgot theirs. Churches were segregated, with hovels of pews for the poor and lavish galleries for the rich. The rich peered down on the poor as objects of curiosity, just like scientists examining a specimen, or as either deserving or not deserving of pity.
The latter view of the poor was the backbone of the 1834 Poor Laws, and was part of the Workhouse system. The church inflicted its views on the deserving poor in workhouses too, and the ruling classes patted themselves on the back for their generosity. The workhouse governors, of course, ate very lavishly indeed, as opposed to the inmates who were fed just about enough to stop them from starving to death. On admission to the workhouse families were split up, with men, women, boys and girls going to separate parts of the institution. The sick were separated from the able. At least the sick were given some sort of treatment in the workhouse infirmaries.
People were absolutely terrified of having to go to the poorhouse. My 3xgreat grandmother was admitted to the Greenwich Union Workhouse at around ten in the morning, and had died of diarrhoea by four in the afternoon. I suspect it was her dread of the institution that had prevented her from seeking treatment any earlier. By the way, at unclaimed bodies at that workhouse were sent for dissection by anatomists. I have examined the original Workhouse Registers from that time (1876 to 1915), and seen people's names with a d after them, showing that they had been sent to be anatomized. That fate didn't befall my ancestor, as the register records that one of her daughters waited with the corpse until other relatives could arrange its removal.
Victorian values. It's really heartbreaking when one thinks about it. Those people who want to bring a return to the 'good old days' obviously don't know what really happened.

The lowest of the low

I've been looking at Charles Booth's poverty map of London which was compiled around 1889. He describes the inhabitants of the streets where my people lived as 'vicious and semi-criminal' and that ' Their life is the life of savages, with vicissitudes of extreme hardship and their only luxury is drink'.
Those poor people. Most of my people didn't make it to old age, with many of them popping off in their fifties. Very few of them made it past seventy. No wonder they drank.
The Victorian view of poverty was that it was the Poor's own fault because they were lacking in virtue. The more virtuous, the richer the person. They lived hand to mouth and struggled to feed themselves. They had many children and an appalling number of these didn't reach adulthood. Many died of things like coughs or diarrhoea (my 3xgreat grandmother died of the latter). Those poor people had no recourse to doctors, because the fees were completely beyond their reach. They relied on household ingredients to provide medicine. A few of these were still in use in my house when I was a boy. One example is onions and brown sugar for a cough.
Booth took a more enlightened view than his peers did, and used his data on poverty to campaign for the introduction of an old age pension. What a good man.

Just now

I popped out for a quick fag, ahem, I mean to see what the weather was doing. We've got a coolish breeze now, which makes it feel a bit more comfortable. While I was enjoying my smoke, I remembered something about a dream I had last night where all sorts of people and things past and present were all around me. It was like a Cubist painting. It felt as if everything had crystallised in front of me, and I could see everything at once from many different angles.

The weather

It was very warm yesterday afternoon and has continued the same this morning. There's no breeze at the moment, so it feels much warmer than it did yesterday. It's too hot for a suit, so today I'll be playing in a short-sleeved shirt and trousers.
Where I live, because of the topography, vast quantities of seaweed get washed up onto the beach. In this sort of weather it gives off the most revolting and overpowering stench. I can even smell it indoors with my windows closed. However last night my windows were left open, and I woke up feeling very tight-chested. It was only afterwards that I realized what had caused it.

Moods

I don't feel quite as worked up as I have been lately, although I am still not quite myself. Yesterday I got one or two things off my mind, and that has taken the edge off it all. I'm not particularly looking forward to playing this lunchtime, but I think I'll enjoy it once I'm there. I'm certainly not looking forward to the pub tomorrow, but I won't mind at all if I have a repeat of last Sunday.

Them upstairs

They spent another evening shouting at each other and arguing. Thankfully their window was closed, but it was still loud enough to get on my nerves. I was woken up at ten to four this morning, when they started arguing in the bedroom above mine. I'm really getting sick and tired of those people.

Last night

I was feeling a bit restless, so took myself out for a quiet half pint. The pub was playing loud pop music with aggressive bass and percussion, so I gulped it down in ten minutes and went home. I had a simple but enjoyable meal, then spent some time enjoying the balcony. Later on I read for about an hour, before turning in at ten.

The rest of the day

I think it's just about time for me to go for a walk, enjoy the weather and have a fag or two. This morning I fished something nice and simple out of the freezer for tonight. Otherwise I'm planning a quiet night at home. Sorted.

The weather

It's bright and very warm outside, with a cool breeze. It's a beautiful day, and I've just been outside to enjoy a fag and it. I'm still thinking like mad, but feel very relieved that I've been able to get a few very irritating and vexatious ideas off my chest. That's the beauty of freedom of expression.

The end

I believe that life begins with birth and ends with death. In other words one is born, one lives one's life, and then one dies. That's it. The end. Finished. I certainly hope there isn't an afterlife. The two possibilities for that, we are told, are heaven and hell. The former is full of the righteous, and the latter is full of everybody else. They both sound equally as hideous. In fact they sound like the same place.

Pride and prejudice

I was born with my sexuality. I can do nothing about it, and don't feel the need to do so. I am neither proud nor ashamed of it. It's just part of who I am, and one way of being human which is shared by a significant number of people.
I don't like gay pride events for the reasons I have given. Also I don't like the crowds, the noise and all the antics. However all the time that some institutions preach prejudice, although that prejudice tries to disguise itself as something else, I have decided that in future I am going to attend such events, just to show my presence and to identify myself with the other nameless persons who are proscribed.

State education

I believe that children should be taught about religion. In some of our schools children are taught religion as if it were true. Surely it should be taught differently, such as 'this is what this religion believes', for example. Then the child can make an informed judgment about whether it believes it or not, when it is old enough and responsible enough to do so.

Moods

My mood is still horrible, with thoughts coming thick and fast and showing no sign of slowing down. I know that's because I've been bottling things up. I'll have to do something about that very soon. The thoughts still go on when I'm asleep and I've been having the strangest dreams, waking up a lot, and getting up tired in the morning. It can't continue.

The rest of yesterday

I had a simple meal that required no real cooking, and watched my plants on and off for the rest of the evening. Upstairs kicked off again and it was bad. It wasn't all the time, but there were horrible outbursts all evening. I managed to record some of it with the intention of giving it to the tenants' association, but I felt very uncomfortable with what I'd recorded. I don't want to pass moral judgment on the woman, and that's what it would have seemed like if anyone had heard what they were arguing about. There is too much moral judgment already, so I deleted the recording. I just want the people to be a bit quieter. I turned in at ten.

The rest of the day

I've spent a bit more time tracking down my Bunyan cousins, but now I'm bored. Coincidentally, earlier on I came across a map showing Nightingale Lane and Burr St, Shadwell. My people lived there until the entire area was demolished in the 1820s to make way for the St Katherine's Dock. Shortly I'll wander across to the supermarket and then go home.
I'll have another quiet evening at home, and try and calm down a bit.

Just now

I needed a bit of a break from the computer, so took myself outside for a stroll. The breezy, cool and unpromising start to the day has now turned into brightness, blue skies and warmth. I'm still thinking and mulling to the extent that I've got another headache. I wish it would stop, just for a moment.

Sleep

I had one of those nights where I feel like I've been watching films back to back. I was awake around four o'clock, but eventually managed to doze for a bit, before getting up at six.
After a very slow coffee and chain-smoking session I re-potted one of the plants and watered everything on the balcony. Then it was time to saunter up to the library.

Not what it seems

In the poem 'Two Loves' by Alfred Douglas, the two loves of the title are True Love and Shame. Shame masquerades as True Love and confuses the lovesick subject of the poem.
In our culture we have traditional concepts of good and evil. Even in our present age, evil comes in the guise of good, and probably believes that it is good. Nothing can alter the fact that it is what it is.

Last night

I had a simple meal of pasta with some sauce that I'd frozen. I couldn't stop thinking and got on my own nerves, so I went out for half a pint. Being a Wednesday I expected it to be quiet and it was. I sat quietly in the corner. Soon after I arrived, someone I knew came in and we sat together. That was fine, but I didn't really feel like talking. Then someone she knows (but I don't) joined us, and I felt very awkward. I beat a hasty retreat, and got home feeling that I hadn't enjoyed myself. I lay on the sofa looking at my plants before turning in at ten.

The rest of today

I've had enough of the library, so I'll wander home via the supermarket. I don't fancy cooking so I'll have hamburgers for dinner. I might watch a film but I'm planning an early night. I'm being exciting again, I think.

A musical interlude

I arrived at the historic building feeling very tired, having just done the two trips to get my keyboard there. I concentrated intensely on trying to maintain a light touch, but I was tense. I played for three hours continuously, and my forearms, fingers and knuckles ache. So does my head.
I played quite beautifully today, and there were plenty of appreciative visitors. I had a laugh too, playing a jig for some toddlers to dance to. It was a good day.

Now

I'm trying to build myself up for what I need to do over the next few hours. I'm really not in the mood today. Presently I'll need to go home and get my keyboard moved.
It's very difficult to write with someone leaning over me and talking to the person at the next computer terminal. I'd better go.

Social media

There has been the usual number of posts about dear little kitties, dear little doggies and other dear little harbourers of disease and vermin. I don't do lovey-dovey. How one is supposed to love the things I really don't know.
Then of course there are the sports stories, which are also tedious in the extreme. On top of that we are flooded with various opinions, most of which I can't be bothered to read. Then we come to the posts I like, those which are intelligent, or witty, or both. Then there are a few posts on subjects I'm interested in. And lastly there are the very few posts by the people I really care about, and whose thoughts matter the most to me. These are the ones I'd like to see more of.

The weather

It was quite hot but with a stiff cool breeze when I left the library yesterday. My fuchsias seem to like it and are now full of buds. I'm dying to see them flower. Today I woke up to a dull, cool, breezy morning, but little by little it appears to be brightening up.
I'm really not in the mood for playing today. I'm far too tired, and will go in jeans and t-shirt rather than suit and tie. My playing tends to be heavy and clumsy when I feel like this, but I do hope that we'll have visitors.

Moods

My head is still full of shit. It's still going round and gaining in intensity, to the point it's making my head ache. I'm constantly wrestling with what I believe in versus what others expect of me. It's just like the dark days of the 70s and 80s. I can't settle down. It dominates my sleep and leaves me over-tired when I wake up. I know it'll all fall into place in due course.

Last night

I had the pasta thing for dinner. Not the most exciting, but I ate most of it. I watched the final two episodes of Dombey and Son before turning in at ten.

Tonight

As soon as I get home I'm going to rest. I expect I'll watch the remaining two episodes of Dombey & Son, but don't really feel like much else. In other words, a nice quiet night in, as usual. At least I shan't have to cook, apart from boiling up some spaghetti.

The weather

I've just been out for a fag. It's bright enough but cooler and breezier, so much more comfortable.
Just now I spent a little time looking into my Bunyan ancestors. I'm very, very distantly related to the writer John Bunyan, but not descended from him. I'm really glad about that. I'd hate to think I were descended from a puritan.

Just now

I have been contacted by a friend who was at my Sunday night bash. She bumped into the couple who had listened to me play at the old building, and then come to the boozer where I was doing my stuff. She tells me that they are journalists and have written something complimentary about the evening. I'm trying to get hold of what they wrote. Isn't it funny? Sometimes you just don't know who you are talking to.

Moods

I slept quite badly last night. My brain is too busy for me to settle down. I feel very tired today and my eyes ache. I've been feeling as if I'm going to have a fit. I don't think I am, because the feeling is going on for too long. I think it's just tiredness. I'm not the most cheerful today, and haven't been cheerful for a few days. Sunday was a nice break to it. I know the feeling will pass once my brain quietens down a bit.

Last night

I cooked idiappam and fished out what I thought was a minced meat curry from the freezer. When I opened the bag I realized it was actually meatballs to go with pasta. That went straight into the fridge for tonight, and I sorted out a bag of real curry and did it in the microwave. I watched eight out of ten episodes of a tv adaptation of Dickens' Dombey and Sons, before going to bed at after eleven.

A thought

I have read the tedious news that the new royal orfspring is being christened today. Well it's not really news, is it? Babies get christened with alarming regularity the whole world over. I don't know why they have to get it done when the baby is so young. What say has the baby got in it? Why can't parents wait until their child is a bit older, so it can make its own mind up about whether it wants it done or not?

Tonight

For a change it'll be a quiet one at home, with or without films or books. I'm hoping that I'll feel a bit calmer tonight than I have done lately. I get very confused by anger and sadness. I'm never quite sure which is which, cos they feel so alike.

Generally

I like to spend some time at my balcony. Of course I like looking at my plants, but I also like watching the birds flying round. I enjoy seeing sand martins, which are like house martins only a good bit bigger. They fly from the sea straight down my street at window level, making a loud, shrill whistling noise. I'm not sure if I'd ever seen them before moving here.
Being at the balcony gives m the chance to look at something nice while I think.

Hereabouts

I've spent a bit of time on the family history for a change, and will get the stuff plugged in once I get home. Before that I need to get to the shops and then move my keyboard back home. I don't really fancy doing anything, so I'll just get it over and done with.

Sunday

I woke up early yesterday to a hot, bright and humid morning. It quickly clouded over, and a few thunderclaps were followed by a sustained period of heavy rain. I though that would put the mockers on people visiting the historic building, but it didn't. I had a fantastic time there. Quite a few people spoke to me and sat down to listen. I enjoyed the intelligent conversations too.
After playing I moved the keyboard and made a quick dash to the supermarket before lying down for an hour. By the rain had long since died down, and the warm sunshine had returned. I had what is now my usual Sunday dinner; hamburgers from the freezer with sliced tomatoes, gherkins, cheese and mayonnaise in crusty rolls.
I went to the pub just as apprehensive as usual, but was cheered up enormously by the arrival of two friends who had come to hear me. The lady's grown-up son is a graduate with aspergers, just like I am, and we all get on famously well. Just after I started playing, two people came in that I'd been chatting to and had harpsichorded for. There was a double-take on their part and a couple of smiles, but they joined in with the singing. Before I knew it the bar was full, and the the tables outside were full, and everyone joining in with the songs. It was lovely. The best night I've had there for a long time. Some people came and called me by my name. I was embarrassed that I didn't remember who they were, but they'd been to one or two of my dos in the past. What I liked best of all was when people came up to me as they were leaving, to say what a lovely time they'd had.
I got home just before midnight and made myself a bit of light refreshment; lorne sausage (from the freezer) and brown sauce in a crusty roll. The day that had started off so miserably ended with a beautiful night. That did me a power of good.

Moods

My moods haven't been brilliant over the weekend, but I'm coming through fighting fit. Negative, unhappy thoughts have disrupted the weekend's sleep, leaving me a bit tired. I felt very low yesterday, but started to pick up during yesterday evening. Now I'm completely comfortable with myself. Rather I'm just about as comfortable with myself as I usually am.

The rest of Saturday

I had a boring dinner of curries rescued from the freezer, before watching all the episodes of a TV dramatasion of Dickens' Hard Times. Bed at something past midnight.

The rest of today

I've just done a little bit on the family history, but I'm getting quite bored with it now. I don't know what I fancy for dinner, but I've got things in the freezer I can use. If the weather stays nice I'll spend some time at the balcony, and perhaps watch a film or read if I fancy. Or spend time thinking, which is what I do anyway.

Earlier on

I had an indifferent sort of lunchtime. A couple of people were interested in my playing, but it wasn't really my day. I used the time to read through a few new pieces. My mood is still a bit bumpy, and consequently so was my playing.

Of international importance

Not only do we have the torrent of football 'news' stories, now the bilge is augmented by tennis stories. There must be so many world events of greater significance, so why do the media do this? I think I know the answer; Lowest Common Denominator. Simple as that. Give 'em what they want.

Some musical thoughts

The other day I made a video of myself playing some pieces by Byrd. I don't like seeing myself in pictures or videos. I don't even like seeing myself in the mirror. It gives me the creeps. Whenever I listen to recordings of what I play, all I notice are the mistakes, and some very dull playing. I managed to listen objectively to what I recorded the other day and do you know what? I heard elegant, accomplished and stylish playing. I think that's probably the first time I've ever paid myself a compliment. Self-praise is perhaps no praise, but others also enjoyed what I played, so I'm allowing myself on this occasion only.

A musical interlude

I'm looking forward to my harsichording sessions this weekend. I'm due to kick off in little over an hour's time. Today is the first time I'm not dressed in a suit for the occasion. It's far too hot, so it's short-sleeved shirt and trousers time. Long trousers of course!
And then there's the pub tomorrow night. Underwhelming but necessary, but it'll be nice to see the friends who come to hear me.

Sleep

Yesterday evening was cool and breeze, but it got warmer and warmer as the hours drew on. It felt quite hot when I went to bed. My sleep was plagued by bits of dreams. A loud thunderstorm woke me up at I don't know what time. It was pitch black, and I could hear the heavy rain and thunderclaps. I was too tired to keep my eyes open, so I lay there tossing and turning. My mind was in overdrive, each thought coming at me like a brickbat and keeping me awake. I was awake for quite a while before sleeping lightly and getting up at six, with my mind exactly as it had been during the night.

The rest of yesterday

Later that afternoon I was plugging the new stuff into the family tree and just about to get on with my dinner, when I was startled by my phone ringing. It was my friend from uni, who was in town for a few minutes. We went to the fish and chip shop round the corner. They didn't have what we wanted so we went to the pub instead. That was quite unexpected and a lovely surprise. It really cheered me up. My friend from uni always cheers me up, and always has done.
After the pub it was dinner followed by Murder at the Galop (1963), starring the lovely Margaret Rutherford. I turned in at twenty past ten.

Now

For the second time I'm about to go home from the library. I've just started to unravel another thread of my East-End (but remote) ancestry. The poor sods. Going through the census forms is just like reading Dickens. I can almost smell the places and the people who inhabited them.

Earlier on

I took myself home and had some of my favourite comfort food; toasted sourdough bread with crunchy peanut butter. I love the way the toast is all chewy. While I was scoffing it down I realised that I need to cheer myself up, so comfort food is going to be the flavour of the day. Tonight I'm having sausages (good ones) with potato croquettes and a tin of beans. This used to be a favourite treat of mine when I was an old duffer of a student. I'm back at the library now, having been to the supermarket for a jar of damson jam, another favourite comfort food. Looking for the bright side now.

The rest of today

I'm going to stay at home. First thing I'll decide what I'm having for dinner, and then make it. After that it'll be a quiet one, with or without a book or a film.

Since then

I've spent some time scavenging around for more data for the family tree. It kept me occupied for a short while, and will occupy me again later when I go to plug it all in. I'm bored with it now, so I'm going to have a look at the old town before I go home.

Just now

I went out into the bright, warm day, and enjoyed the cool breeze and a fag. Brain tired and aching from all the thinking. One of these days I'm sure it's going to give way.

Mой день

Каково это быть аутиcт? Я не знаю, что это, как для других людей, но я знаю, что это, как для меня. Конечно, я действовал в большей или меньшей степени во внешнем мире, но я живу в основном в моей собственной голове. Мысль и мышление доминирует мою жизнь, и мои ежедневные мероприятия в значительной степени контролируется, насколько активно мой мозг. Например, я могу быть настолько занят, думая, что мысли становятся препятствием для получения что-нибудь сделать. Cегодня Я один из тех дней.

Это последний раз, когда вы видите кого-то, последний разговор, последние идеи, это те, которые постоянно обходе в вашей голове. Они сочетаются с, и цвет все мысли, которые уже есть. Это может быть утомительно. Я часто желаю, чтобы мой мозг был выключатель, просто так я мог бы несколько минут отдохнуть от времени.

The weather

After the rain finished yesterday it continued appallingly hot all evening and night. It's still hot this morning. It's lovely weather but quite exhausting. I introduced a bit of variety to this morning's coffee and fags by treating my plants to a lick of greenfly spray. Not  exactly exciting, but at least it was something different.

Sleep

I went to bed at twenty past eleven feeling very sad. My dreams were sad and I kept waking up. I was wide awake at five but managed to nap until seven. Two of my fuchsias are coming into bud, and I had a very disturbed dream or two about them. I got up at seven still feeling miserable.

Last night

I started off with a simple dinner of puy-type lentils, cold boiled bacon and a buttered roll. I started watching High Voltage (1929) starring Carol Lombard, but it's even more tedious than I'd remembered. I switched the thing off and spent most of the night looking at the plants and flowers on my balcony. Plants are very good for me.

The rest of today

I'll go home via the supermarket. I'll have the last of the cold bacon with whatever for dinner, which is nice and easy. Then I'll stay indoors. I don't know if I'll watch anything or read. At the moment I don't particularly feel like either.

News

I've just been reading about a roller coaster that broke down, leaving some passengers suspended for a period of time. So what. They chose to go on the thing. This isn't really news, is it?

Now

I feel like I really ought to be getting on with some more family history stuff to keep my mind occupied. I can't get my head round it at the moment. I'm too preoccupied with things. I'm not going to do anything too sensible today. I need to feel a bit calmer for that, and not so upset and angry. My skin isn't nearly so thick as I'd like it to be, yet.

This afternoon

I've just been to visit the 'locked-in' autistic teenager. There was real headway today, with some proper two-way communication. That has really made my day worthwhile.
Meanwhile the weather has deteriorated. It has already rained. The sky is horrible and it feels stormy. So do I, when I think about it.

Thinking out loud

Democracy implies equality. It also implies freedom of expression. That means we must allow views to be expressed, however loathsome we find them. Democracy allows criticism and discussion, but doesn't give us the right to pick and choose which views are expressed. Either we have a democracy or we don't. Simple as that.

An open question

How would you feel, if you were to read that someone's beliefs required them to frown on you, to castigate you, to see you as somehow not quite up to scratch? Well that's how I feel right now.

Moods

I'm in a bit of a shit mood this morning. Never mind, old son. Just let it pass.

The weather

It was scorching hot first thing, but now there's a cool breeze. It's overcast and the light quality is atrocious. I follow a French newspaper online, and apparently there are severe storms across the Channel. I think they'll be coming this way before too long.

Last night

It was hot, ferociously hot, more like Malaga than here. The home-made baked beans went down a treat, and were so much nicer (and different) than anything out of a tin. After dinner I sat at the balcony, but the breeze too was warm. I just couldn't cool down so I sloped off down the Old Town for a pint. I'm glad that I didn't see anyone I knew, except the bar staff, so I sat down quietly outside. I only stayed for an hour, then went home to watch Hell's House (1932). It's one of Bette Davis' earliest films, where she walks on and off sets from time to time and says things. I enjoyed it though. I turned in at twenty past ten, all hot and flustered.

Tonight

Of course I'm going to have a quiet time at home as usual. Yesterday I pulled out a dvd of American films from the 1930s, which I don't remember ever watching, so I'll have a look at them later on.
I'm making my own baked beans for dinner tonight. Lavish, eh!! They'll go down a treat with some cold bacon from the other day.

Weather

It's become stiflingly hot and sultry this afternoon. Even the breeze feels hot. I can't make out whether it's overcast, or if there's a smog. I wonder if we'll have a storm later?

Earlier on

I had a lovely time playing this afternoon. I had some lovely things said to me, and one couple told me they had said something favourable about my playing on trip advisor. I'll have a look later on.

Now

Off into the scorching heat to get my keyboard and its bits and pieces moved. I'm going to take my time though. Shortly ago I did feel a little light-headed, so I'm not going to rush anything. This morning I want to try and get someone to make a recording of me playing my stuff. I'm going to pace myself.

Moods

I must try and snap out of this mood at some point. I did read something earlier about how people with ASD are prone to anxiety, worry and panics. They often use a special interest as a barrier to these. In my case that's the pointless family history stuff I've been pulling together. All the time your mind is occupied, you're not thinking and worrying. As with many of the articles I read, I could have written it myself about myself. It's uncanny.

20th Century sanitation (in the 21st Century)

This is the Greenwich I remember. It's wharves, quays, cranes, tugs and barges were in the nighttime of their lives. All the riverside industries were about to shut down for good.  It was dirty with the accumulation of centuries of soot, grime and filth. It had its own particular smell. It must have been unpleasant to many people, but I rather liked that smell. I can still smell it. Everything you touched left you covered in soot.

This is how the scene of the second photo looks now, taken from just beyond the archway in that photo. Now it's paved rather than cobbled. It's clean. It's prettified. It doesn't smell any more. What a shame.
My Greenwich was a rough place. People worked hard and drank hard. They were fractious. They swore. There was often a bust-up in the pubs. What I miss, though, is the tremendous sense of community. I use the word in its proper sense of being inclusive of the general population, rather than the bastardised meaning of today (the this community, the that community etc). The word community, for me,  should describe what we all share in common. Nowadays it describes what we have in common with a minority, and how we are different from other people. It is divisive.
I still love Greenwich, but it ain't the same place. It's just the carcass of the town, with all its guts ripped out. It's beautiful but soulless, except for the Park of course. That doesn't change. But how I miss the dirt and the smell. And I miss the people (except my own family). The people are all gone too.

A musical interlude

I'm looking forward to harpsichording in a very short while. I hope the hot weather won't prevent people from visiting us. I expect my pale suit, pale shirt and pale tie probably look quite dapper. All, of course, courtesy of the local charity shops. I do like a bargain!

Last night

I got round to watching one of my favourite films, The Woman in Question (1950). Jean Kent was a wonderful film actress, and there were good performances too from Hermione Baddeley, Dirk Bogarde, Susan Shaw and John McCallum. I stopped the film a few times when upstairs sounded like they were kicking off. Noise affects me very badly, and I find it hard to concentrate or settle down with the sort of stuff I've been getting from upstairs. By bedtime I felt really miserable, and had the feeling that I didn't live there.

A convivial evening

Yesterday around 7pm there was much screaming and shouting from upstairs. The man seemed to be encouraging the toddler to scream and shout too. It only went on for about half an hour, and I managed to record some of it. What I didn't catch, unfortunately, was when the man shouted 'wanker' at a black man who was walking past. What a horrible person.
This morning I saw the lady from the tenants association. She asked me how things are with them, and gave me an update. Apparently the man is going to be moving out. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The weather

It felt very warm all day yesterday. There was quite a stiff breeze last night, but that too was warm. Yesterday evening I had a nice alfresco barbeque dinner with friends. This morning I can actually say that it's a hot one. This afternoon looks set to be a scorcher. Phew!