Shortly

I'm tired of the computer now, so I'll be off to the supermarket and then home. I think I'm going to have a short rest before getting on with dinner. Afterwards I'll be back at the dvds.

A musical interlude

This afternoon's session went reasonably well, and I was pleased when someone I know socially popped in to see me. I'm playing again tomorrow, as we are being visited by a private party of 78 people.

The appointment

This morning's appointment went fantastically well. I went to see someone who helps people like myself to get back into work. He's going to try and help me get a job in a music/academic environment or in archiving, two things I would enjoy and be good at.

First thing today

I felt a bit strange with tiredness when I woke up, so I took plenty of time with the fags and coffee. After a quick bath I shampooed the living-room carpet before setting off for the library.

The weather

Last night was quite breezy and very chilly. Today it's been sunny and warm all day.

Sleep

Last night wasn't great. I was awake around midnight and stayed awake for a while. After that I kept waking up and falling asleep before waking up for the last time around four o'clock. I was up and drinking coffee at five.

The rest of yesterday

When I left my friend's yesterday I walked down the village street to get to the bus stop. On the way I saw a tray of apples from someone's garden, and a sign inviting people to help themselves. I took two of them. They looked old-fashioned, and quite unlike anything one finds in the shops. At the bus stop I looked up and saw a crow harassing a kestrel. It went on for ages, and I wanted the kestrel to turn round and sort the crow out. Eventually they both flew off in different directions.
When I got home I did the carpet again, then cooked and ate. Afterwards I watched episodes 11-14 of The Great War.  It was very interesting but I was depressed that my great granddad had served in both Beaumont-Hamel and Guillemont. Those battles were horrific. I turned in at about ten.

The rest of today

I'm feeling quite bored with computers so I'm going to take myself home shortly. I daresay I'll be at the carpet again before teatime. I don't know what I'm having for dinner, but I expect it'll be spaghetti. Then I'm reckoning on watching some more of The Great War, things permitting.

Since earlier

I've just had a bus ride to the village where my best friend lives, to check on the garden & to drop off some of the cds I'm trying to get rid of. It's a lovely day, and every bit as good as the best of this year's summer. I was invited to dinner but have had to decline. What a bummer. I really fancied it, but I have to be back home for an appointment in the morning.

This morning

I gulped down the coffee and only had a few fags, and then went on to clear as much of the front room as I could manage. I cleaned every bit of the carpet that I could reach. I'll give it another going-over when I get home later.

The weather

It stayed clear until yesterday evening, when the thick dark clouds set in. I don't think it rained though. Last night was noticeably colder than of late, but it soon warmed up this morning. It's been sunny all day, so far.

Sleep

I don't remember waking up until about half past four, and I was still awake at a quarter past five. When I woke up my mind was agitated. I remembered a dream I had, I think last Friday, when my molars and part of my jawbone fell out. The next thing I remember is waking up with the alarm at seven, feeling tired and restless.

Just now

I think it's going to be one of those days. Just now, while I was outside having a fag a woman drifted over towards me. She asked for 60p. Nope. I'm fed up with people I don't know asking me for things. I'm not in a position to be bountiful to all and sundry. Then she said she had hypoglycemia and was about to conk out. I started to go and get one of the library staff to help her, but she was having none of it. She marched into the library grumbling and moaning, apparently right as rain. Lying cunt.

Last night

After another go at the carpet I had the last portion of my frozen curry from the freezer. Afterwards I watched episodes 5-10 of The Great War. The first couple of hours were extremely difficult. I had to keep stopping the dvd because of the kid upstairs. I was particularly interested in the bit about the Battle of Loos. My great-granddad would never talk about his wartime experiences. In fact he became tearful the only time I ever asked him about it. I only found out about his service record when I found it online a few years ago. He was at Loos. Bed at ten past ten.

A new obsession

Yep, it's the carpet. I've been concentrating on the worst bits, and have had the cleaner out seven times since Friday lunchtime. To begin with I used the cleaning stuff every time, but then I wondered if I was just masking dirt with it. Now I'm only using water, and will continue with the shampoo when the carpet has been flushed out. It still looks very sad, but the place has started to smell and feel a whole load fresher.

Dahn the boozer

I've just remembered something else from the weekend. After I'd taken my keyboard home last night, I went back to the pub for its stand and all the gubbins. When I got there, there were two people from another place and time, friends of cunts, who had come to listen to the band. It was all very polite, terse and frosty. I'm really glad it was like that. I simply can't be bothered with pretence, and don't play that game anyway.

Just now

I needed a break from the computer screen, so took myself down the High Street to do today's chores.
First point of call was the bank, to pay in this weekends tips and proceeds from cd sales. Having shelled out on the carpet cleaner, the money has gone quite a way to sorting me out for next month's rent. Afterwards I went to the corner shop to buy some electricity. That was quite an experience. The place was full of piss-heads, all of them orf their tits on cheap tins of booze. The counter staff looked vary wary. Then I strolled down to the supermarket to get this week's baccy. Sorted!

The news

Two completely different stories caught my attention today. The first concerns a wholefood restaurant in London, that is being attacked by 'anti-gentrification activists'. I really don't understand the argument. The restaurant is in a very trendy part of town, which was a notorious slum a couple of decades ago. Would the protestors rather the area reverted to its former state?
The second story causes me much more concern. Apparently a young person in the Middle East is to be put to death today for taking part in a civil rights protest. He is apparently to be beheaded and then crucified. Saudi Arabia has one of the worst human rights records in the world. It is a matter of grave concern that that country now heads one of the UN's human rights committees. (Incidentally it has been reported that the head of that committee said that homosexual rights are not on the agenda). The sheer horror of the young person's predicament fills me with sadness. Let's hope the world's leaders will unite in bringing pressure to bear on Saudi Arabia not to carry out this punishment. I'm not holding my breath though. Our leaders will do nothing to jeopardise business interests.

Things I'd forgotten

While I was outside having a fag or two, things from the weekend started coming back to me. I watched The 39 Steps (1935), one of my favourite films, and in my opinion the best version of it. When I got back from the pub last night I watched Mae West in My Little Chickadee (again), while eating a fry-up and enjoying the pint of cider I'd brought home with me. Come to think of it I had a fry-up for dinner on Saturday too. I suppose I'd better have something else this evening.

Sleep

I didn't sleep particularly well over the weekend. I was wide awake at half past five this morning, and really didn't want to be. I did try to sleep some more but couldn't. So here I am, very tired and with sore eyes.

Today

Having brought home my keyboard last night, I took it to the historic building this morning. The man who runs it very kindly opened up this morning so I could get in. I have an appointment on Wednesday morning, so now that I'm set up I'll be able to play as normal.
This afternoon I've got the counseling session. Let's see how that goes.

Miskerlayneus noises

What I do remember about the weekend is the noise. I could hear the brat upstairs stampeding around, screaming, shouting and losing it's temper. That's now a regular feature of my daily life. Whenever it started I shampooed a bit more of the carpet. The noise of the machine completely drowns out the racket from above. The little sod made such a racket yesterday evening that it completely put me off cooking anything. I'd completely lost my appetite. I ended up eating at 10pm when I got back from the pub, and after it had presumably gone to bed.
The people downstairs had a bit of a get-together on Saturday night. It was all very distracting but I don't really mind it now and again. I hardly ever hear anything from them.

The weather

I can't remember much about the weekend's weather, except that it was sunny early yesterday afternoon. Today it's sunny too. The day started quite chilly, but it's a good bit warmer now.

The weekend

The library's computers were misbehaving on Saturday, so I wasn't able to record my thoughts. I don't remember how I thought last Friday night, or what I did. In fact I don't remember much about the weekend at all.
The harpsichording went fairly well. One woman came in yesterday and hovered around for a bit. Then she kept on interrupting me while I was playing. Then she said she was from the Royal College of Music, which made me suspicious. (A classical musician would never interrupt another while they are playing. They would wait for the performer to stop). Then she asked if she could have a go at the piece I was playing, so I got up and let her sit down. She attempted the right hand. The first chord was wrong, as she'd not noticed the key signature, etc., etc. Some five minutes later, after I'd shown her every single note, she'd got the hang of the first bar and a half. Why me? Why does it always happen to me? It ain't fair.
The pub was fairly quiet so fairly routine. To be honest I didn't enjoy it. Luckily there was a band on at nine so I packed up nice and early.

The news

I've been preoccupied with the story of a young man in the Middle East who has been convicted after a confession extracted by torture, of taking part in a civil rights protest when he was a teenager. He has been sentenced to a horrible and grotesque death.
There is something obviously wrong with a country when it is so repressive that it needs to kill so many of its own citizens. I think I know what is wrong with it. Religion is what is wrong with it. The country is run by a particularly brutal, reactionary and xenophobic clergy. It looks like it is there to stay, as the people are indoctrinated into it from birth. Any dissenters are killed. (Certain aspects of this remind me of the Reformation in Europe). The trouble is that people who suffer under this system and flee it, often bring the very same values with them.
Disestablishment of religious organisations could only be of benefit to mankind. Let their believers worship freely, but behind closed doors, and criminalise any external show of belief. Indoctrination should also be criminalised. And of course the laws relating to equal rights and to hate crimes should be rigidly enforced, where they are being violated because of a person's 'conscience'. Come on world. Stop killing people. Isn't there enough suffering already, without these organisations causing even more?

In passing...

I went home and had another go at the carpet. I can see it's becoming my latest obsession, but it's a useful one to have. On the way out I saw my next-door neighbour in the passage. Apparently our residents' association has banned the man upstairs from our flats, because of the incident with the police the other week. Good old residents' association!!! That would explain why I haven't heard him for a few days. I still hear the toddler shouting, screaming and stampeding about, which is really annoying, but I can live with that now that I know the other arsehole won't be coming back. Oh happy day!

The rest of today

I feel very tired so an just about to make my way home. I'll have another go at the carpet, then try and have a nap before the people upstairs get home. Dinner will be chili con carne from the freezer with the remains of yesterday's rice. Then it'll be dvds, probably some more parts of The Great War.

Just now

I took myself up to the local college because they were running a charity coffee morning, and had a slab of delicious home-made cake. That sorted me out, as I had been feeling peckish. I had a bit of a chat with one of the tutors too. The weather is a bit nicer now, with it being a bit warmer.

This weekend

I've got my usual round of playing tomorrow and Sunday. I'm still aching from the fall I had the other day, but I'll be fine. I've got an appointment on Wednesday morning, so I'll need to get the keyboard to the historic building either Monday or Tuesday, so I'll be able to start playing on time.

The weather

The remainder of yesterday was quite indifferent, apart from a shower or two in the evening. Today has started bright, sunny and very cool.

This morning

I got up deep in thought and had my fags and coffee. Afterwards I had another go at the carpet before going to the library. I must try and do something about the tiredness. It's like wearing a crash helmet inside your head.

Sleep

My mind was busy with the rubbish start to the afternoon and I didn't sleep well. This time I checked the times I woke up; midnight, half past two, quarter past six. I nodded off again before waking up with the alarm at seven. A bit tired today.

The end of yesterday

When I got back from the library I had another go at the same bit of carpet. I'd forgotten the deplorable condition of the thing when I moved in. The machine drew up the muck of decades. I think it's going to be an ongoing project for some time.
I enjoyed dinner, then watched some short documentaries about Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? Afterwards I watched two episodes of that excellent BBC series from the sixties called The Great War. Bed some time before ten.

The rest of today

I'm going to be very lazy about dinner, and rescue some curry from the freezer. I'll make a simple pillao to go with it, so Bob's your uncle. Afterwards I expect I'll be back at the dvds.

Now

Chaotic babbling from all directions in the library, so it's in with the earplugs. Even so I can still hear everything far too clearly for my liking. The weather has just brightened up, so I think it'll be time to make a move in a moment.

Since this morning

I took a bus up to the shopping precinct and took the plunge. Yep I bought a carpet cleaner. While I was there I went into the burger joint for lunch; after all you might just as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb.
Afterwards I went home and gave the first bit of carpet the once-over. It'll need a few more goes, but I think it'll come up fine.
Then I went on to the meeting. Meeting? I've never seen anything like it. Bickering, squabbling, asking the same questions over and over again. That was that. I walked out after a short time, before the urge to go home and gas myself got any stronger.

Today

This afternoon I've got a meeting about upcoming events at the historic building. Before that I need to get myself a carpet cleaner with some urgency. I can no longer tolerate my carpet as it is. It's starting to upset me. I've been doing things to try and counteract the depression, so the carpet must be done.

The weather

It didn't get any better yesterday, although I can't remember if it rained. This morning it's cold, damp and grey. It's autumn.

Sleep

I woke up with a start at a quarter past four, panicking that burglars were about to break in. I took my duvet to the front room and lay down on the sofa. I slept intermittently until the seven o'clock alarm rang. I got up tired and with a headache and helped myself to the coffee and fags. After a bit of a nosebleed I took myself up to the library.

Last night

I made another of my nice tomato sauces for pasta, and fried a couple of bangers to go with it. Yep. Common as much, I am. Afterwards I watched Mae West (again) in She Done Him Wrong, and finished with Cate something or other in Elizabeth. Bed just after ten.

In a bit

I feel tired, both physically and mentally, so I'll take myself home via the shops. It'll be a simple dinner today, and I expect I'll end up watching more dvds.

Just now

I've just finished playing. It was a disappointing day, in that we had very few visitors, all of which seemed to be representative of the philistine community. Before I started I hadn't realised how much my arms ached from yesterday's fall.

Shortly

It'll be time for me to make a move. First stop will be the supermarket for a bite to eat, and thence to the historic building. I want to try and record myself playing some stuff for an autistic online friend who likes what I play. She's going through a lot at the moment, and I'm hoping it'll cheer her up a bit. The weather should bring in the visitors, with a bit of luck.

First thing

I was bombarded with thoughts and memories as I had my fags and coffee. People, places and things all came flooding back. I also thought about yesterday's session at the historic building, the interesting people, the music lesson, and the cds that were sold. I also thought about my session there later on this morning. All the thinking wears me out.

The weather

We had a couple more showers during the afternoon, but it got drier as the evening progressed. We had a lot of rain yesterday and there was some localised flooding. It's bright and sunny this morning with a chilly breeze.

Sleep

I think I slept better last night, and only remember waking up once. Up at half past six this morning, still feeling quite tired.

The rest of yesterday

I had the remains of the previous day's meal, but didn't enjoy it as much as I did first time round. Afterwards I watched What A Carve-Up and Party Girl, and turned in just before ten.

Out with the old...

I'm currently trying to dispose of my cds, because I don't have the room to keep them. I had very mixed feelings about it at first, but now I'm really glad they're on the way out. I don't believe in having things just for the sake of it. I'd much rather that they went to people who care about them, and who will enjoy them every bit as much as I have.

The rest of today

I think I've had my share of fun and intellectual stimulation for today. In a moment I'll be going to the supermarket and then home. I've got the rest of yesterday's steamed pudding to look forward to for dinner. I expect I'll be back at the dvds this evening.

The latest weather

It was pissing down with rain when I left the library this morning. I did something really clever by slipping on some wet leaves and landing on my back. One lady rushed over to see if I was alright, which was very kind of her, but there was no damage either to the pavement or to my person. The rain has eased off now, but the sky threatens more rain at any moment.

In my element

The retired academics visited us at the historic building as planned. Their enjoyment of the visit was written all over their faces. One spinet-playing lady came and asked me about tonality, performance practice and the keyboard instruments that were available in the sixteenth century. Now that's my kind of conversation! We swapped business cards, as she said she'd like to play music for two keyboards with me. I sold a complete Scarlatti sonatas, a complete Couperin Pieces de Clavecin and a boxed set of Trabacci. Of course I gave them a couple of freebies too. I played them some Rameau, Couperin and Scarlatti while they were looking at the cds, which they enjoyed. That was a lovely morning.

News

I saw a horrific story about 'gay' people being executed by being thrown off the top of tall buildings. That's the problem with religion. It wants to control people's minds and bodies, and kills them when it can't. It wasn't all that long ago that the same thing happened here.
It makes me sick. Something professes itself to be good when it is patently the opposite. It is always right in its own eyes. It's ok for the sheep who are quite happy to follow. But what about those who don't accept what it teaches, in those parts of the world that are theocracies? I could cry.

The weather

It was raining when I left the library. Then it stopped for a bit. Then it completely chucked it down for a while, stopped for a bit, and then started again. This morning started off with fairly clear skies, but it was slashing it down again by half past six. It's still raining now. That's such a nuisance. I've got to move my keyboard shortly.

Last night

Dinner took three hours to cook but it was definitely worth the wait. While it was cooking I watched the remaining episodes of Hammer House Of Horror. I didn't enjoy them. All about witchcraft, devils and other superstitions born of religion. Very annoying in fact. Afterwards I cheered myself up with Ripping Yarns. Bed just after nine.

The rest of today

When I left the library the weather had turned to overcast, darkish and clammy. It looks like we've got some rain just round the corner. I went and shifted my keyboard, thereby working myself up into a hot sweat. Then I went to the supermarket to get the basics that I'd gone in for thin morning but forgot. I'm at the library now, building myself up for the visit to the counselor in just over an hour.
I'm going to spend some time cooking when I get home. Then it'll be time for some dvds. I do hope that upstairs will be quiet.

News

I have just read about a street preacher in Scotland, who was doing the hellfire and brimstone bit about homosexuals. One man completely drowned him out by playing the bagpipes. How very Scottish and how very appropriate. One drone being silenced out by drones and chanters. It's a case of meeting like with like. The story did make me chuckle, and I do like a happy ending.

A minute ago

I thought I'd go for a walk, so took myself down to the barbers for a 'Baron Orloff'. It was not to be. There was a sign on the door saying they were on holiday until Monday. Next point of call was the charity shops, but I didn't find the trousers I was looking for. What I did find, however, was a beautiful red silk tie. Then I went to the supermarket and spent more than I've spent for a very long time. I'm planning a steak and mushroom pudden for dinner, and I splashed out on a good bottle of half-price wine to go with it. I feel as if I'm celebrating, but don't ask me what.

At the boozer

Of course I enjoy it when the pub is busy and the people want to sing. I'm glad though that it's not like that every time. When I'm as tired as I was yesterday it's nice to sit down and play the things I like the most. As I was playing one of the Mozart movements yesterday, I remembered that the last time it had an airing was 18 years ago when I started teaching it to my nephew. Don't time fly!!

An extra event

Tomorrow the old house is being visited by a party of retired academics, and I've been asked to play for them. I'm hoping I'll have the opportunity to flog them a few cds.

Today

In a moment I'm going to a charity shop, as I'm on the lookout for a decent pair of black trousers. After that I'll need to go and collect my keyboard. And later on this afternoon I've got my appointment with the counsellor. It was good of her to change the day of my appointments. It's horrible going to play immediately after one of the sessions.

The weather

We had beautiful, warm and sunny weather all weekend. I think that helped our visitor numbers at the old building. Today is reasonably bright and overcast but fairly cool. It could go either way.

Sleep

I seem to be sleeping a bit better of late, but I still find myself waking up once or twice during the night. I don't know why I always feel so tired lately. It must be that I don't sleep soundly enough to have rested. It's that brain of mine. It keeps going day and night.

My viewing

I watched some more episodes of Hammer House Of Horror on Saturday and enjoyed them. I started watching another episode last night after I'd finished at the pub but didn't enjoy it. I did enjoy the cheese roll, cold leftover chips and cider though.

A musical interlude

I had a very good weekend at the historic building. Yesterday afternoon I felt exhausted and my hands and fingers ached, so I went home to try and have a nap. No chance. The thing upstairs was running round and making a terrible racket as it played. Then they started playing music that sounded like the singer was throwing up. That was that. I had no choice but to get up.
I had the usual hamburger for dinner, but went lavish and fried some chips to go with it. The pub was quiet yesterday (which is what I really wanted), but people did sing. I saw some people I knew from before, and they said they would come and see me on Sundays from now on. Later on I played some classical pieces, mostly Mozart and Beethoven, and that brought a few people in.

The rest of today

The weather is bright and beautiful, and much warmer than this morning. I'm quite tired after playing for three and a half hours, so I'm going home in a moment. I'm making one of my own concoctions for dinner, that's something I usually enjoy. I plan to watch some more episodes of Hammer House Of Horror tonight, all being well.

Just now

I had a reasonably good session at the old building, with people congregating in 'my' room at various points. I managed to sell one cd, which was better than I'd expected. Good news! It was straight up the supermarket after I finished.
I gave one cd away, or rather a boxed set. One frail old lady was interested in the complete Tallis but looked worried about the cost (it wasn't much), so I let her have it. I'd much rather it was in a good home than sitting there doing nothing. I want it to be enjoyed.

The weather

It stayed decidedly grotty all day yesterday, but the clouds started to lift just before nightfall. It was very dull and quite chilly first thing, but now it's sunny and cool. I hope it'll bring us plenty of my sort of visitor.

This morning

I spent the beginning of the day deep in thought, as I partook of the fags and coffee. I thought about what to do in the flat next, about today, and planning the next couple of weeks. Next week is going to be busy.
I'm going to the historic building a bit earlier today, so I can put the cds on display that I want to sell. Fingers crossed as it's quite a specialist collection. I do hope I manage to sell some. I did advertise the sale, but my adverts don't usually cause people to stampede through the door.

Last night

After dinner I watched four more episodes of Hammer House Of Horror. Although the thing is so heavily 1980s I really enjoyed them. The 1980s were horrible for me and the whole style does grate on me. Bed at ten past ten. I slept through to half past six, and don't remember waking up during the night.

In the meanwhile

I've been home and priced up another load of cds for tomorrow. I've also got another lot out, ready to get done for next time. I've separated out a load of Indian stuff which I've offered to someone I know. The net result is that I now have only one of the huge, unsightly chests in the hall, and not three. Another result is that the spare room is completely un-cluttered by them. I have a problem with my brother's stuff though. It takes up almost the whole of a large cupboard, when I'd really like to be able to store my own things in it. Oh well. I know I am stuck with them until I can stump up for several train fares to take the things to his bit by bit. And he drives. I don't.

The rest of the day

I'm planning a simple dinner, and will go to the freezer when I get home. I'll finish the day with some more episodes of Hammer House Of Horror, provided I get enough peace.

Now

I'm getting bored on the computer. I don't know why I'm losing interest so quickly, as I used to spend much longer on it. In a minute I'll take myself home and do a bit more housework. I'm just doing a bit at a time so it's more manageable. It's nice to see it getting better bit by bit.

Hypothetically speaking...

Just now I went out for and fag and to check on the weather. Yep. It's drizzling again. What a surprise. I started thinking about what I believe. The truth is I think I know, but some things one can never be quite sure about. I certainly know what I don't believe though. This is all starting to remind me of the sort of jargon they used to come out with on management courses (the known known, the known unknown, the unknown known, and the unknown unknown). It's all a load of bollocks if you ask me. I'd better stop before my brain gives way.

Help

My counselor has referred me to another organization to try and help me into some meaningful employment. Well I had an email from them this morning, offering me an appointment the week after next. Fingers crossed, but I daren't hope.

This morning

I started off with toast, but couldn't finish it, before going on to the fags and coffee. I started thinking about a registrar in the United States, who refused to conduct same-sex marriages because of her religious beliefs, and was subsequently imprisoned briefly for contempt of court. It is not surprising that she now has the arrogance to claim that she is being persecuted because of her beliefs. This argument is complete and utter nonsense, and a distraction from the real issue.
In my previous job employees were contractually obliged to comply with any changes to the job specification. We were also contractually obliged to comply with the law of the land. Any breach of the Equality law, for example, would be treated as gross misconduct, and would render that person liable to dismissal. This leads me to wonder why the American registrar was not given the sack, as she should have been.
While I was deep in thought I recorded some more music for the old building where I play. They play a cd downstairs, and it's only one cd. That's all they have and it's driving me up the wall!

The weather

I heard it rain quite a lot during the night, and I woke up to a chilly morning with leaden skies. There's just a hint of brightness now, but I bet it won't be long before it starts raining again.

Sleep

Apart from waking up briefly a few times during the night, I managed to sleep through to five this morning. I still feel very tired and walked out in front of traffic again this morning, but it's not the horrible tiredness I felt yesterday.

Them upstairs

There was some terrible noise in between seven and eight, but after that it went completely quiet. I supposed they must have gone out, but I heard them this morning. I've got to the point that the sound of their kid playing distresses me just as much as the sound of it crying. They're noisy cunts, and I bet that's why they've never taught it how to play quietly.

The rest of yesterday

I went home and did some more housework. Afterwards I put price labels on the first batch of cds that I'm putting up for sale tomorrow. After a simple meal I watched three episodes of Hammer House Of Horror (1980). It was thoroughly enjoyable nonsense, and I particularly liked Diana Dors playing a werewolves' stepmother, and Denholm Elliot playing someone with issues around nightmares. Bed at half past nine.

The rest of today

The meeting went very well, and it was a talking sort of meeting. It was slightly sunny as I walked back to the library but now it's starting to get darker. I'd better get myself home before the rain starts.
I had planned to do some more housework this afternoon but I'm too tired to get my head round it. Besides I haven't got the energy. I've planned a simple dinner for later, after which I'll try to watch a film if I can stay awake long enough, and if the people upstairs don't bother me again.

Shortly

So far I've had a fairly commonplace sort of day, apart from the strange sort of tiredness that's still lingering from last night. The weather has picked up a bit and there is some brightness, so it looks like I shan't have to walk to my appointment in the rain. I wonder how the appointment will go. Will it be a talking sort of appointment, or will it be a quiet one? I'm certainly looking forward to a cup of coffee when I get there.

A musical interlude

I'm playing as normal this Saturday and Sunday. Next week is going to be busier, as I'm harpsichording on Tuesday for some visiting academics. Then on Thursday I'm going to a meeting about some forthcoming events. I don't mind at all. Harpsichording is the one part of my musical life that I gain most satisfaction from.

Today

Thankfully I haven't got a busy day today, with just my lunchtime appointment to go to. I really want to go home to try and sleep but I daren't risk it. I heard the people upstairs earlier, when usually I don't. They are cunts.

The film

The Victim (1961) is the one film in the world that has made a difference to my life. It concerns a blackmailing racket whose victims were homosexual. The cast risked their careers by making the film at a time when homosexuality was a criminal offence. It is thought that this film was instrumental in paving the way for homosexuality to be de-criminalized in 1967.
I like the story because it is completely un-sentimental and the scenarios are based on fact. There is no stereotyping and there are no clichés. I remember that time and it was a dark one. Peoples' lives were destroyed by blackmailers or by being arrested, and by the terrible way in which such stories were reported in the press. People were liable to lose their jobs if their employers found out they were gay. Some people committed suicide when discovered because of the terrible 'shame'. Such discrimination was, of course, quite legal.
The law which proscribed homosexuality at that time was based on old testament bigotry. The same prejudice is expressed by the female gang-member in the film, when she is finally arrested on suspicion of blackmail.
I remember looking over my shoulder as a teenager, fearful of being arrested (the age of consent for us was then twenty-one) or blackmailed. Even then it was still unwise for one's employer to know about such things. I threw caution to the wind and would tell people if I were asked (but what it had to do with other people, and why they wanted to know, are beyond me). I faced a great deal of hostility from people in general and from one government in particular. I even had one dear, righteous lady at work (actually she was a vindictive old hag) telling me I would die before my next birthday, based on her old testament delusions. That cheerful prophesy, I hardly need add, did not come to pass.
Such views as I have described still exist in this country, but are not nearly as widespread as before. We are now subject to laws which are fair and just, so those pathetic views have become an irrelevance.

A pipe dream

What I'd really like from my flat is somewhere to sit in peace and quiet, somewhere I can feel comfortable and at home. I want somewhere I can go to bed when I want and sleep without being woken up by antisocial behavior. I'm always wanting things. How dare I be so greedy?

The weather

It rained a lot during the night but had stopped by the time I got up. It's cold and gloomy today, and a bit breezy.

First thing

I felt more dead than alive when I woke up dazed and disorientated. I needed some energy so I had some toast and jam before the fags and coffee. Then I heard them upstairs again and felt upset. I swigged my coffee as fast as I could and flew out of the door. I was so tired that I walked out into the road after the traffic lights had changed, and narrowly missed being run over. I don't feel as rough as I did earlier but still feel tired and dazed. I will have to take things very carefully today.

Sleep

It took me a long while to settle down last night, as my mind was so busy after yesterday's appointment. I was woken up at half past four this morning when the man upstairs lost his temper. It went on for an hour or so, although not continuously, so I took myself and my duvet to the front room and lay on the sofa. I was distressed to heat the toddler sobbing. I nodded of after it had got light and woke up with a start when the alarm rang at seven.

Last night

After dinner I watched The Victim (1961) starring Dirk Bogarde, Sylvia Syms, Nigel Stock, Denis Price and others. I had to stop it three times because of minor stampedes upstairs. Bed at twenty to ten.

The rest of today

I'm going home shortly. I don't know yet what I'm having for dinner, so I'll have a rummage round in the freezer. I expect I'll watch another film later, for a change.

Now

I had a very mediocre day at the old building. I had good news though. I have been given permission to try and sell my cds there. It's still pouring with rain. What a drag.

Shortly

I'll need to go home in a moment to get myself ready to play. I'll cover the keyboard with two bin bags taped together, so that'll stop it getting wet. I hope we will have millions of my sort of visitor.

The weather

The weather was in the 'indifferent to grotty' category all afternoon. It started raining last night and it's still raining now. There's a horrible dark grey sky.

This morning

I woke up tired and feeling miserable about this morning's counseling session. I took my time with the fags and coffee, and recorded some music for the old building where I play.
The session was exhausting and I was right not to be looking forward to it. One good thing came out of it though. She has referred me to some people who may be able to help me toward some useful and fulfilling work. Dare I hope?

Sleep

I slept much better last night, waking up only once during the night but not staying awake. Up at a quarter to seven this morning.

Last night

After dinner I watched Murder She Said starring Margaret Rutherford, and The Hellfire Club starring Peter Cushing. They are two thoroughly delightful bits of nonsense. I had to keep stopping the first film and re-starting it after the stampeding had died down. Bed at twenty past ten.

In the meanwhile

I have been obsessed with doing the laundry, and while I was at home just now I put on the third machine-load in three days. Bedding and towels. I want them all nice. I decided on dinner too. I'm having bangers and mash with my home-made baked beans. If you're looking for excitement in life, I'm probably the last person you should be listening to. I don't do excitement.

Like a dose of salts

I've been at it again, having another sort through my things. I have much fewer belongings now than I did in London. I gave most of them to charity shops before I moved to where I live now. My flat is too small to house many things, so I've just advertised my enormous, specialized collection of cds for sale. I managed to unpack and home some more boxes, and that's made a bit more space in the spare room. I've still got three very large items of my brother's. He drives, so I wish he'd come down and get them. I know he won't though. I realise that at some point I'll have to struggle up to him by train, which is much dearer than the coaches I usually travel on, and very hard work.

The rest of today

Getting a bit tired of the computer now, so I'll go and sort out some stuff at the bank before going to the letting agents. It'll be housework this afternoon, and getting things ready for dinner tonight. I expect I'll watch a film later.

Earlier on

I was tired when I got up, and slouched towards the front room for fags and coffee. As usual I sat there deep in thought. I've got the psychiatric stuff first thing tomorrow. It's not the most cheerful thing I can think of, but I want to try and get things sorted out once and for all. I also tried to think about what to have for dinner tonight, but I still haven't made my mind up.

The weather

It looked like it was brightening up first thing, but it wasn't long before it turned very dark and the rain started. It's still drizzling now, and the sky doesn't promise anything better.

Sleep

It was pretty much a repeat of the previous night. I was wide awake at some point during the night and took a while to get back to sleep. I half-woke up again just as it was getting light, and nodded off a couple of times before getting up at half past six.

The rest of yesterday

It was still raining when I left the library, and I was nice and wet by the time I got home. After the rain cleared I collected my keyboard from the pub. Later on I made the meal I'd planned. I didn't enjoy it so didn't eat much. Later on I felt hungry so I fried some chips.
I watched Too Many Crooks, a lovely comedy with Terry-Thomas and others, and The Shooting Party, a brilliant period drams shot at Knebworth House, which I know very well.
At ten o'clock I was just getting ready for bed, when my friend from uni contacted me to ask if I fancied a pint. Silly question! We met up at the place where I play. Two of the strangest people I know were there, so I stuck to my friends like glue to avoid them. I did enjoy myself. Bed at just after eleven.

In the library

I can't concentrate anymore. The place is teeming with the babbling unwashed. Doing my head in. Going home.

The rest of today

I'm going to go home shortly as I need to rest. I know I need to go out before too long, so I'm not going to sleep. I plan to take the rest of today very quietly, and will probably end up watching one of my old films tonight.

This morning

It took me quite a while to come round with the fags and coffee. I heard the nice man upstairs lose his temper again at about eight, and marveled at the elegance of his diction, and the daintiness of his vocabulary. It really does upset me. I'm not going to go out of my way to say anything, but if the residents' association ask me how things are, I'm going to tell them about the incident with the police last Thursday. His outbursts leave me feeling very edgy.

The weather

It's been decidedly autumnal all weekend, with sunshine and showers. We've had some lovely warm sunny periods, and it's been generally mild with chilly nights. Today has seen mostly showers and grey skies.

Today

I haven't got much on today (events that is, I don't mean clothes). I've been up to pay the rent. This afternoon I'll need to go and get my keyboard back. I don't have to cook tonight. Yesterday I concocted a minced pork curry, cooked with vindaloo spices. I'll have some more of it tonight, but I'll need to boil some rice, and fry some patra to go with it. Sorted!

Sleep

I think I slept well on Saturday night, and don't remember waking up at all during the night. Last night wasn't so good. I was wide awake with a headache at one point before falling asleep again. I woke up again with less of a headache, watched it get light, and got up at about half past six. I feel tired today.

The cultural event

Last weekend we offered free admission instead of the normal, token entry charge. We did request people to leave donations. We're not ready to retire just yet. The 260-odd visitors on one day left about £70.00 between them, and the 70-odd visitors on the other day  donated the princely sum of £23.00. I think our visitors were appallingly mean. From my point of view I had people sitting around for ages, stopping me, asking all sorts of questions about the cultural side of my stuff. And then to think of them fucking off afterwards, having donated 30p or nothing, is a complete disgrace. I really detest meanness. It often strikes me that those that have are the meanest of all. Stingy bunch of cunts.

Sunday

I harpsichorded for the normal number of hours, went home for dinner, then went down to the pub. I had a fantastic night. There was a party of visitors from London who were just about to leave when I arrived, but stayed singing for another two hours. I was surprised when they handed me a collection as they left. Bed at twenty past eleven.

The rest of Saturday

Because of the cultural event, the historic building stayed open later than usual. I ended up playing for five hours continuously. Afterwards I went straight home, tired, did some tidying up and made dinner. I finished the night with Carry On Dick, which was harmless enough but didn't make me laugh once.

A musical interlude

I've got my usual punishing schedule this weekend. I expect it to be a busy one, because an event is taking place in our town. I hope it'll attract lots of my sort of visitor.

The weather

It stayed lovely right up to nightfall. Last night was much milder than the previous few nights. This morning the grey skies have returned, but the quality of daylight isn't too bad. It's very mild and there have been some showers, which look set to continue.

This morning

I rushed the coffee and fags, so I'd have time for a bath and a visit to the library before I play this weekend. I fancied breakfast but couldn't get around to making any. I'll probably have something after I've finished playing.

Sleep

I did feel rotten all day yesterday. When I got home I was appalled to hear the voice of the terrible man upstairs, but not for long. In fact I didn't hear another peep out of them, so I suppose they must have gone somewhere. It was lovely and peaceful.
I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, woke up very briefly just as it was getting light, and heard the rain. The next thing I remember is getting up around a quarter to seven. I still feel very tired indeed, but not horrible like I did yesterday.

The rest of yesterday

I arrived home with not one but three items of useful furniture. The first thing I did was to move things round and put the new furniture in place. It's lovely to see some of my china on display for the first time on over two years. Then I sorted out my dvds, which now have a proper place of their own.
Afterwards I made a tomato sauce for pasta. I forgot to remove the bay leaf, so when I put the hand blender in a load of it shot out, boiling hot, all over the kitchen and all over myself. I stuck my hand under cold running water for a while, so there are no nasty scalds. It just shows how tired and wretched I felt yesterday.
Afterwards I watched Hitchcock's Stage Fright, which is in my opinion one of the best of his later films (the other being Frenzy). I love the strong cast of British actors. Marlene Dietrich is good in it too, except for when she sings. She had a terrible voice. Bed at ten.

More weather

At lunchtime it was warmer than it had been a couple of hours earlier. Now it's even warmer than that, although cloudier than that.
Meanwhile my head is feeling a bit odd with all the tiredness. I don't like to use the word stress as it's so often misused, but I found last night's events very stressful, and the feeling has lingered on during today. I'm very glad that my friend is giving me (and a piece of furniture) a lift home a bit later on. Of course I could manage going by bus. That's what I'd planned on in the first place. But a nice drive home in a car will be much more peaceful.

The rest of today

I'm going to hang around at my friend's for a short while before making my way home. I'm going to have an easy pasta dinner with one of my home-made tomato sauces. I want to watch another Charles Dickens dramatisation, but that depends on two things; firstly whether I will be able to stay awake long enough, and secondly whether I get any peace from upstairs. This business really isn't helping my depression one bit.

The autistic gardener

While I was at home I collected the fuchsias and brought them by bus to my friend's house. I planted them near the pinks. It's nice to see all the things I grew on my balcony are now in the ground, where they will have a much better chance of surviving the winter. I'm happy that they are growing where I know they will be enjoyed.

Earlier

When I went home I rustled up some egg and bacon, and that seems to have picked me up a bit. While I was there a black maria pulled up outside. I could hear the police talking on their radios; they had come to arrest the man upstairs. Yes, he was upstairs worst luck. That means he must have bashed someone else, so we are therefore not rid of him. As I left I saw the woman who lives upstairs just outside the flat. She was talking to her mother and wondering how the police got in, while looking at me. Fuck them. I don't care what they think.

Shortly

I think I've had enough of the computer for now. I'm feeling too tired to look at the thing. I think I'll go home and have something for breakfast, get the plants ready, and then make a move. I'll be it earlier than I'd intended, but I feel I just want to get it done.

Now

I'm still thinking about last night. While I was sitting smoking, I heard the police (who I think were upstairs) talking about an assault. I think he must have hit her badly for her to have reported it. With a bit of luck we may never see (or rather, hear) him ever again.
On the other hand he may have hit a third person. That's not so good. He might just be lying low and will come back at a later date. I hope that's not the case. It makes my heart sink.

The weather

It was lovely all day yesterday, and last night was a cold one. It's beautifully sunny today, although a bit colder than yesterday. It's good gardening weather. Later on I'm going to do a bit more planting at my friends'.
What a relief. I can think now. The nomadic children who did nothing but run around shouting are just leaving. I hope they don't come back.

This morning

Ouch. Coffee and fags with a headache. I started thinking about "potentially jumped out of the window". What did this mean? Did it mean that the police thought that he had jumped out of the window, or that he hadn't? Did it mean that they thought he may have jumped out of the window, or that he had the latent potential to cause himself to jump out of the window? Well you've got to try to laugh, haven't you? I spoke to my next-door neighbours on the way out, to explain about the terrible banging on my door last night.

Quite a night

I was very tired when I turned in. Just as I was about to fall asleep the man upstairs lost his temper. There was screaming and shouting, a crashing noise and an enormous bang straight above my head. Well that was that. I was wide awake, and it took me a while to settle down.
The next thing I remember is being woken up by someone hammering on my door and shouting to be let in. It was the police, who said the man upstairs had "potentially jumped out of the window", and wanted to check that he hadn't come in through my open French window. I stood there half asleep and wrapped in my duvet as they looked in every room and cupboard. They asked if I knew the people upstairs and I said I didn't. I could have said plenty but resisted the urge. They went after a very short time. I was in a horrible state and couldn't get back to sleep, so sat smoking until nearly 2am. I slept very badly and woke up just before seven.
I still feel dazed and out of sorts.

The rest of yesterday

I did a bit of housework when I got home, before getting on with my dinner. Afterwards I watched a very good dramatisation of Dickens' Great Expectations. Bed at 9.40pm.

The rest of today

When I get home I'm going to freeze the remains of what I cooked yesterday. I don't fancy it again. I quite fancy bangers and mash. Later on I think I'm going to watch another Dickens dramatization, provided it's quiet enough.

A musical interlude

I was supposed to play for a delegation of local mayors the other day. Well that didn't happen. They cancelled it at the last moment, because they decided to go somewhere else instead. However I've been asked to play when a group of university lecturers visit the old building later this month. I've said that I will, assuming of course that they don't cancel too.

Just now

I went and had the coffee, and it was warm enough in the sunshine to be able to sit outside. I didn't really enjoy it, as I'm in one of those odd moods that I get when I'm tired. I've cancelled my lunchtime appointment. I'm going home to lie down instead.

Today

Today will be reasonably quiet, and I hope that applies to tonight as well. I'm going out for coffee shortly and have my lunchtime appointment afterwards. Apart from that I don't have anything planned.

Lately

For some time now the state of my flat has been an outward manifestation of my inner state. Both are getting on my nerves, so yesterday I started going through the place like a dose of salts. I'm very tired as it is so I'm only doing a bit at a time, but it's already starting to make a difference. I've had enough of my place looking how I feel.

The weather

It stayed fine right through to nightfall, and the night was chilly. It's a bit on the cool side today, breezy, but nice and bright. I don't mind it at all.

This morning

I took my time with the fags and coffee, and started thinking about the new pieces I'm playing, and in particular a little anonymous thing called Watkins Ale. I remembered a book of recorder pieces we used at junior school, of pieces referred to in Shakespeare's plays. Many of them were marked 'anon' where the composer's name would normally be shown. I thought that Anon (rhyming with 'cannon') was the name of the composer, and remember how the teacher laughed when I asked her who Anon was.

Sleep

I didn't wake up very often last night, and wasn't awake for long. I woke up at half past five this morning deep in thought.

Last night

After dinner I got to watch the rest of Our Mutual Friend without disturbance. What a difference a bit of peace and quiet makes. Bed at a quarter to ten.

In the meanwhile

While I was playing, someone sent me a message asking if I fancied a coffee. Of course I didn't find the message until I got to the library. I've said yes but I'm not going to sit around all day waiting for an answer. I'm going home shortly to see if I can rest.

Tonight

I'm going to cook something proper when I get home. I haven't had chili con carne for ages. I don't know what will happen after that. I want to watch the rest of Our Mutual Friend, if I'm allowed to do so. It's going to be an early night for me.

Now

I've felt really tired all day, and even more so since I finished playing. I've been thinking overtime too, what with the cunts upstairs and this morning's session. I really need a proper rest, and for upstairs to keep themselves to themselves. I need to feel comfortable enough to relax when I'm at home.

The weather

It was overcast and mild first thing, but that cleared by lunchtime. Since then it's been blue skies, sunshine and warmth. I wonder if we'll have a late summer after all?

Today

I took my time with the fags and coffee. I fancied breakfast but couldn't be bothered to make any. I had my first counseling session this morning, and that was just as depressing as I'd expected. I had quite a good day at the old building. And here I am.

Sleep

My mood wasn't brilliant when I went to bed and I slept very badly. I was wide awake for two chunks of last night, and couldn't sleep, as much as I tried. I nodded off just as it was getting light and woke up with the alarm at seven.

Last night

I had a simple meal and had it earlier than usual. I sat down to watch Our Mutual Friend when, yes, you guessed it, the people upstairs started arguing. I stopped the film until it calmed down and started to watch it again. Then the stamping started so I stopped the film again. And so it went on all evening. I heard the sound of smashing glass at one point, and they were going for each other hammer and tongs when I went to bed at ten to ten. I only managed to watch half the film. It does get me down.

Just now

I felt too tired to go gallivanting round on buses so I went home instead, looking forward to a couple of hours' rest. No chance. There was yet another of those lengthy forms waiting for me, asking for the same information I've already given them twice. Apart from being an appalling display of bureaucratic incompetence, it's also a shocking waste of public funds. And it's getting on my nerves, leaving me just as tired but having lost the ability to try and settle down. Cunts. Thank you very much.

The rest of today

Now that the weather is so nice, I think I'll take myself for a nice ride on the bus. I'll go home early and take it from there. I'm not going to cook anything too extravagant, and may or may not watch a film later. I think I might well treat myself to a lie down this afternoon.

In the library

I don't know why but the building is unusually busy. I saw someone I recognize in the crowd, who I often see at the computers. From his general behavior and from the things he says, I think he is probably schizophrenic. The poor sod had a terrible black eye. It was sad to see that. That's the trouble when people don't understand.

A moment ago

I went outside for a fag in the autumn sunshine and bumped into someone I know. She used to be on the staff at the pub where I play, and also has mental health problems. It's sometimes good to talk. She has suggested a way for me to access the help I need. I'm going to give it a try.

A musical interlude

I'm playing as normal tomorrow, and it would be brilliant if I have another day like I had at the weekend. I'm a bit bothered though, as I have my first psychiatry appointment immediately before I play. I'll have a word with the people tomorrow, and ask if I can see them on a different day.

The weather

It stayed nice all of yesterday, but we had quite a chilly night. This morning is lovely, with blue skies, cumulus clouds, sunshine and some warmth. I hope it lasts.

Earlier on

When I had my first fag I remembered that yesterday was my Gran's birthday. I don't know if she's still alive, but she would be ninety-five. Then I started thinking about all my grandparents.
I didn't know my Dad's father, as he was killed during the Second World War. Unfortunately I did know Dad's Mum. Cold and aloof is how I remember her. She had a favourite son (Dad's brother) and a not favourite son (my Dad). That attitude was transferred to their children.
Mum's Dad was very difficult. When I was a kid I was frightened of him. He would turn on a sixpence. My brother and I think his head was messed up by his wartime experiences, and by what he came home to. I remember him as a really horrible, nasty man. Mum's Mum? A complete disaster. Weird. Penny pinching, materialistic and controlling. How did I get a family like that?

This morning

I took my time with the fags and coffee and played a couple of card games on the computer. I don't think I'm getting a cold after all. I think I'm just very tired.

Sleep

I was tired when I turned in, so didn't set the alarm. I had an atrocious night, waking up at some point deep in thought and staying awake for ages. Afterwards I kept waking up and falling asleep again, before getting up at a quarter past seven.

Last night

After dinner I watched two Tony Hancock films. I started with The Punch And Judy Man, which was delightful. It was about some traditional seaside entertainers, who provided entertainments that were well past their heyday. Sylvia Syms was brilliant as usual. I finished with The Rebel. That went on just a bit too long so I switched it off. The highlight of that was Irene Handl as the landlady of a multi-occupancy house. Bed at ten past nine.

The rest of today

I don't feel at all clever. I don't want to go home now, because I won't want to go out for my keyboard if I fall asleep. So very shortly I'll go for the weekly 'getting of the electricity' routine, get the keyboard, go to the shop, and that'll be it. If I stay awake I might watch something later on.

The autistic gardener

I am cack-handed. I always was cack-handed, and I expect I always will be. It doesn't matter how much others try to reassure me, I know who I am and I know my own limitations. I am cack-handed. Simple as that.
I went and got the bag of compost and set to work on the planter. Recently I bought a lovely pink (Dianthus 'Night Star', pictured) from a stately home. I wanted to divide it in two, and use it to fill a trough. I tipped it out of its pot and wielded the knife, and succeeded in chopping the roots into two. Great. Perhaps I shouldn't have tried. Well in the event I dipped all the shoots that fell off in rooting powder and planted them too. If any of them grow, I'll have plants to give away to my friends who have gardens.

In the library

I think the National Ignoramus Society has just convened here for its annual convention. Also the loo is out of order yet again. I swear it ought to be renamed a 'public inconvenience'. I need to make a move now before my brain gives way.

Today

I've got a quiet day, apart from a couple of bits that need doing. In a short while I'm bussing it to the big pound shop for a bag of compost. I want to replant one of the troughs on the balcony. Afterwards I need to collect my keyboard from the pub. After that I think I want to lie down. I feel a bit queer today.

This morning

I woke up with a bit of a hangover from yesterday's cider, so took my time with the fags and coffee. I also feel like I'm going down with a cold. Urgent action was required, so I had egg and bacon for breakfast, but not any old egg and bacon. The eggs are local, free range ones that I buy loose round the corner. The excellent bacon comes from the butcher's on the High Street, The food was full of flavour, and so much better than the stuff that's sold in supermarkets.

The weather

Yesterday was bright and sunny all day, and warm too in the sun. That certainly helped our visitor numbers at the old house. Today has started off very much the same. I do hope it lasts.

Sleep

I've had two rotten nights and have been tired all weekend in consequence. On Saturday I had prolonged periods of wakefulness. Last night I woke up several times, but didn't stay awake for long. Whenever I woke up I was thinking frantically. I tried to sleep yesterday afternoon but couldn't. When I turned up at the pub I had an almost overwhelming urge to call it off. I really didn't feel up to it, but needs must. I really don't like letting people down.

A musical interlude

I had a successful harpsichord session at lunchtime, and an equally successful pub session last night. People came and went, and joined in with the songs. I played with the window open and managed to draw people in. I belted out quite a bit of classical stuff and that went down well. I had some very nice comments.

Saturday night

I had a nice evening, which began with a steak dinner and ended with a film version of Hardy's Far From The Madding Crowd. This is another DVD that I've had for years but never watched. I thoroughly enjoyed it, not so much for the luvvy-duvvy storyline, but for the portrayal of mid- Nineteenth Century agricultural life. I don't understand what the title has to do with the story though. I turned in around a quarter past nine.

Later on

I'll get a few things from the supermarket and then go straight home. I feel as if I could fall asleep now, but I don't want to sleep during the day. I'm hoping that come bedtime I'll be tired enough to sleep straight through to the morning. I don't know if I'm going to watch anything or read. I can't think about it yet.

Now

I feel really very tired now, and my hands, wrists and brain are sore. I had a decent day at the old building, so I don't mind any of it. I will be going home soon to rest. It's very cloudy now and chilly with it. Feel almost dazed, no doubt because of the prolonged concentration of earlier.

Shortly

The weather is still overcast, muggy and generally grotty. Looks like rain too. It's pull yourself together time, so off to get a snack, and then to the old building to warm up. Hope we get millions of my kind of visitor today!

Now

I was very lucky to be driven home by my friend. I could have managed the bus, but it ain't quite so easy with a hangover. I got myself washed and changed, so I don't smell of stale charcoal anymore. The hangover has eased off considerably now, but I still feel a bit boozy. Hey ho! I'm orf to play in a tick.

Unusual

Earlier on my friend commented on how quiet it was, and how he enjoyed a bit of peace and quiet. Yes I noticed that too, but I have a great deal of silence in my life as it is. What I'm noticing is all the sounds around me, of people talking, the kids playing, and of things being done. For me this is a completely different start to the day.

The weather

It's very changeable today, and we had a few spots of rain earlier on. For a change I'm glad it ain't too bright today. All that brightness is bad for a hangover.

This morning

Just before eight this morning I got up with a hangover and smelling of last night's bonfire. Well I need to get myself home and pull myself together, as I'm playing in a few hours. I'll be fine once I've washed and changed.

The news

It's really horrible at the moment and very sad. As usual they interviewed several government spokespersons. As usual the said spokespersons arrived having memorised their prepared speeches, bits of which they recite when asked a question. As usual the speeches did not actually answer most of the questions. We have someone explaining that a government u-turn was not a u-turn at all, and that it was actually government policy all along. Astonishing. What bare faced liars and hypocrites.

The rest of yesterday

What fun! The early dinner was followed by lots of fun and lots of alcohol, and a bonfire in the garden. We watched the telly too. I felt very sad after watching the news, and wasn't particularly bothered by the other programs. One or two bits were engaging for different reasons. I can't remember what time I turned in. Sleep was booze-ridden, and I remember turning round several times during the night.

A pet hate

I used to hate computers with a vengeance. For me they were things that caused me suffering at work, and that were intrusive. Things are quite different now. Practically my whole social life is online. For people with ASD this is quite common. I keep becoming 'friends' with people online. The ones I meet tend to be nice people and very intelligent. I need to listen to my 'inner voices' though, and remember how poor I am at working out people's motives and intentions. In other words I need to try and be careful.

In the meanwhile

I didn't do the thing I meant to do at lunchtime. I've put it off yet again. Me and my prevarication. I arrived at my friend's nice and early and set to work. The pinks were too root-bound to divide, so I've loosened 'em up a bit and planted them nice and deep, ready to divide in the spring. It doesn't look like I've done very much, but I'm quite a bit slower than I used to be.

Shortly

After wandering round to the butcher's for a bite to eat, I'll go and get my first bit of business out of the way. Afterwards I'll go home and get my bits and pieces ready, go to the supermarket, and catch the bus down to my friend's. The weather doesn't look too bad at the moment, but it could turn very quickly.

More news

It has been reported that a man was attacked by a shark whilst surfing in Australia. Very traumatic for the victim I daresay, but luckily he wasn't too seriously hurt and survived. I hope people won't think it's the shark's fault and start persecuting them. The shark was only doing what sharks do. If humans want to share the sharks' habitat, then people must take account of the potential danger this involves.

News

For me it's a combination of relief on the one hand, and the greatest sorrow on the other. I remember a time when people were allowed to treat one very badly because of their beliefs. I am overjoyed to see that this has now changed in my own culture. A court in the United States has ruled in effect, that someone's beliefs does not give that person the right to deny others their own rights. Well done America. I have lived to see changes that I'd never have believed possible in my own lifetime. It makes me very happy for the young people of today.
What saddens me greatly are the harrowing accounts we read daily of all the poor people arriving in Europe, having fled war and persecution. The stories are truly horrific. I am very concerned that the treatment of these people is very similar to the treatment of the Jews who fled Hitler's Germany. When people suffer in such large numbers, many people seem to think of them as numbers, and to forget that they are all people.
This is only the latest example of persecution based on religion. When will it ever stop?

Later on

I'm looking forward to this afternoon. The pinks I am growing have outgrown their containers, so I'm taking them to my friend's. There I'll divide them and make a flower bed, leaving some room for a few fuchsias which I'll take next time. Later on I'm cooking dinner, although I'll be cheating a bit. I rescued some pasta sauces that I'd cooked previously from the freezer, so it'll all be ready in next to no time. I'm going to enjoy today, because I can just potter on without ceremony.

This morning

My mood is definitely better than it was yesterday, although I spent the first couple of hours deep in thought as I had my fags and coffee. I do feel tired at the moment. I've got a few things to do later on this morning, and I'll be ok once they're out of the way. The things are quite small ones really but I'm just doing what I always do, thinking and worrying.

Sleep

I felt quite nervous all evening, waiting for my upstairs neighbours to start. In the event it was quiet all evening, but I still found it difficult to settle down. It took me a long while to get to sleep. I just couldn't settle down. I woke up several times during the night, but don't think I was awake for long on any occasion. Up at six this morning.

Last night

Dinner was a simple affair, and afterwards I sat down to watch the second half of Vanity Fair. I did enjoy it. I've had the recording for years, and it's only now that I watched it for the first time.
I'm not very good with fiction. I generally get bored with it because I can't keep up with what's going on. I liked this because it was all rooted in realism. I loved the constant theme of hypocrisy; acknowledging people one moment and ignoring them the next, all the snobbery, mercenary behaviour, social climbing, worship of wealth, manipulation of others, and the 'get it at any cost' mentality. It reminds me of the values of a certain government or two. Bed at 9.40pm.

The rest of today

Lately I've been hearing rumours that a huge asteroid is due to collide with the Earth during the second half of September. I've just looked online, and according to the best authorities there is no truth in the story. Oh well. That's something I shan't need to think about anymore.
I don't know what I'm doing later. I can't think. It all depends on things which are beyond my control. The most I can hope for is a peaceful evening.

In the near future

I'm trying to build myself up to go home. I don't know how I will cope if upstairs kick off again. All I want to do is sit down and watch the rest of my film in peace. But then perhaps I'm just being selfish. I really don't want to have to listen to people hitting each other and losing their tempers. It really upsets me.

A melodrama

My treatment for the depression stuff begins next week. In a way I'm not looking forward to it. I hate talking about how I feel, and know it's going to be very difficult. What if I don't feel like talking at all? Then it'll be an hour of twiddling my thumbs in excruciating silence. In another way I am looking forward to getting things started, in the hope that this time they will finally be able to help me.

A short time ago

The lunchtime appointment didn't happen. I know there are bound to be days when they don't. I must say I'm rather relieved though. My mind has been very busy all day, and I don't particularly fancy talking.

Reflecting...

I've been feeling very boozy today. I just don't cope with strong cider the way I used to. When I think of the amount I used to drink when I was in my last job. I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable about last night too. That behavior was completely out of character for me. I don't really regret what I did. Those fuckwits upstairs have completely destroyed what peace I used to feel at home. I don't suppose they could care less, even if they knew that. Just now I called in at the butchers to get something to eat, to try and soak up the residual alcohol.

Serenata part 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P6rcV1ltrNo

This is a recording of the aria Non Piu Mesta. I can't hear the recording on the library's computers, but I think it'll be a good performance because the singer isn't fat. It's a really lovely piece. I simply can't understand why the people upstairs didn't like it. It may be a case of pearls before swine.

At the library

Groan. Earlier on I was spotted by one of the most irritating, strange people known to man. As usual he came over, dumped on me for a bit, before going on to bore me senseless with inane rubbish and miskerlaneus shite. He's not even discerning enough to notice when somebody's lapsing into a coma. Aaaagh. I could cry.

Just now

I went outside for a fag via the loo. On the way down it was engaged as usual, but was unoccupied on the way back.
While I was outside I started thinking about my friend Nina. Loos used to play a big part in our shared life, and she and I would often laugh about it. Because she was in a wheelchair, we had to make sure that whenever we went out on one of our trips, we knew where any loos were beforehand. Trips to the loo were always a lengthy affair. We had to leave in plenty of time because it took her ages to get on and off her chair. Once I had to pull her drawers up where she couldn't reach them. That was something we often laughed about afterwards. She was usually unable to lock the door, so I would stand guard outside to prevent anybody else from going in. There was one occasion we often used to remember and laugh about, when we went to the National Maritime Museum, and she pulled the alarm instead of the chain. There were suddenly about half a dozen guards rushing towards the said lavatory, but they too saw the funny side when they found out what had happened. I still miss our little day trips. They were always such fun.

In general

I really love the people I'm close to. They are very few, but all of them special. One of the highlights of the year has been making contact with my 'new' cousins. I'm becoming good friends with two of them in particular. They are very thoughtful too, and regularly keep in touch. I've never had relations like that before.

The weather

There were a few rumbles of thunder and some rain around 6pm yesterday, but it didn't amount to anything. Afterwards there was a beautiful double rainbow, followed by a pink and orange sunset. That was a lovely end to the day.
Today is bright and slightly sunny, but a bit on the cool side as yet.

Today

I've got an easy sort of day. Apart from my usual lunchtime appointment I don't have anything else planned. I'm looking forward to doing a bit of gardening tomorrow at my friend's, and to rustling up a bit of dinner afterwards.

Sleep

I had a bad night, and spent much of it awake, thinking frantically, feeling angry and very agitated. I turned my alarm off just as it started to get light, and slept until nearly eight.

Serenata

When I got home yesterday the people upstairs were going for each other hammer and tongs. The noise was horrendous. Apart from the screaming and shouting there were terrible bangs on the ceiling that made the arms of the sofa rattle. I listened to that as I ate my dinner. I couldn't watch my film so I went to the pub and had two pints.
When I got home it was all cheerfulness and mirth. They had people round and it was very noisy. Then the banging started and I blew a fuse. I got my audio system up and running and treated them to some nice loud music, with my French windows open. I started with Webern's Five Pieces For Orchestra, followed by Rossini's aria Non Piu Mesta from La Cenerentola (I have a beautiful recording of this, an example of what Bel Canto should sound like. The first time I heard it was in a recording by Maria Callas, who completely murdered it. Rather than Bel Canto it was Can Belto, with each note carefully strangulated), followed by some Carnatic songs, and movements from Mozart Piano Concerto no.22, Bach Lass Furstin and D minor concerto for three harpsichords, Dibdin The Brickdust Man, Arne Cymon and Iphygenia, and Rameau Castor et Pollux. I played the music disgracefully loud, so shut the living room door and retired to the bedroom to listen. Afterwards I heard them talking upstairs, and get the impression that they might not have enjoyed the music. Cunts. Bed at ten.

The rest of today

I'll go home and rest after I've been to the shops. I've been wanting to write to an old friend for a while, and will try to do that this afternoon. After that I've got the rest of yesterday's dinner, and the second half of Vanity Fair to look forward to. The weather is lovely now, so that will make the walk home a bit nicer.

Earlier

I've just had one of the least inspiring sessions at the old house. Never mind. Better luck next time. It doesn't do much for my self-esteem. The hands and brain are very tired.

Mind your language

It is important to me that people say clearly and unambiguously what they mean. I cannot work out motive or intent, and am therefore liable to misunderstand things. This is even more pronounced when I can't see the person I'm talking to. That's why phones in particular are such a problem for me. I have just had such a misunderstanding and it really shook me. It always does. I realize it must be difficult for 'normal' people to understand what I go through.

Soon

In just under an hour I'll be getting myself ready to play. I'm hoping that this will be a good day for me. I'm really glad that because I moved the keyboard on Monday, I shan't have to move it again until Sunday. I'm getting old now, and am not as strong as I used to be.

The weather

Today started off lovely, blue skies and brightness but rather cool. It's been getting progressively cloudier, so I don't know how much longer it will hold.

Sleep

It was another bumpy night with lots of strange dreams and being awake. I know I must have been deep in thought all night. I got up eventually when the alarm rang at seven.

Last night

I had a simple meal and enjoyed the rest of the evening. I started off with a film version of Little Lord Fauntleroy. Yugh. It oozed throughout with much more than the usual dose of revolting sentimentality. I'm never watching that again. Afterwards I watched Belle Of The Nineties. That was more like it! I finished with the first half of a TV adaptation of Thackeray's Vanity Fair. I'd never watched it before and thoroughly enjoyed it. Bed at about half past nine.

The rest of today

The library has become infested with the ignorant and the loud. I'm now finding it almost impossible to concentrate, so I'm going home. I don't know what I'm having for dinner, but it's going to be something simple. Then I'm going to watch films or not. Can't think now. Getting angry with all the fucking noise. It's doing my head in.

Lunchtime

I needed a walk so I took myself to the supermarket and got something to eat. Afterwards I called in at the council offices, and found out that they'd sorted out the stuff I had to see them about last week. The weather is still being very strange. It's slightly sunny now, but it's been up and down a couple of times since this morning. I shouldn't be at all surprised if it rains again at some point.

History

I am interested in Spanish history, and have just changed my profile pictures from Queen Isobel II to King Carlos III (1716-88). Carlos had been king of Naples and the Two Sicilies (1734-59) and of Parma and Piacenza (1731-35) prior to acceding to the Crown of Spain (1759-88). He was what would later be known as an Enlightened Despot, and the historian Stanley Payne says he was "Probably the most successful European ruler of his generation".
Carlos did much to rescue an archaic Spain from oblivion. His measures included the promotion of the arts and sciences, the expulsion of the Jesuits, and rendering the Inquisition completely powerless.
Although most of his other reforms proved short-lived, I do admire his vision and foresight.

News

I've just been completely underwhelmed by the news that a famous pop singer burst into tears on stage. That's just plain fucking ridiculous. Now if he were a real musician with proper training (by which I mean classically trained), he would have had more self-control, and therefore wouldn't have behaved like that. Couldn't he have waited just a few minutes until he got backstage, before making a complete twat of himself? Honestly.

Just now

I went outside for a fag in the cool sunshine and started thinking about life. I spend most of my time in silence, as I don't usually need to talk. Sometimes I get a bit bored, but I don't particularly mind that. What I do like is, now I don't have much in the way of a social life, I'm no longer buffeted around by external matters. It's all very uncomplicated, much easier to cope with, and preferable in every way to what I have had. Of an evening I often tell myself that I fancy going out, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that I don't really want to.

Today

Today is going to be quiet. I'm glad about that too, because my fingers still ache from all the playing, and I've still got my normal schedule from tomorrow. I enjoy playing, but it does leave me tired when I play for so many hours.

The weather

The weather was strange all weekend. After a warm Saturday and a muggy Sunday, there was distant thunder and lightening when I got home from the pub on Sunday night. I woke up to a thunderstorm on Monday morning and it rained for some time. The rest of the day was decidedly grotty, and the quality of daylight was appalling, and the sky mushroom-coloured. I was glad to get to bed. The weather was starting to give me the hump. It's slightly brighter this morning, although it feels colder than it should.

Yesterday

Having moved my keyboard from the pub the previous night, I moved it again as I needed to play. I had a dismal time at the old house. After going to the supermarket I arrived home exhausted, and spent the rest of the day doing as little as possible. I watched The Nanny after dinner, where Bette Davis gives a virtuoso performance of being Bette Davis. Bed around nine.

Sunday

I had a brilliant time harpsichording at lunchtime. I had an easy dinner before going to the pub later on. That went reasonably well, and I had some nice comments from people who were visiting the town. One little girl (who told me she was three-and-a-half) was dancing round with her father to the old songs, and a few tunes from The Wizard Of Oz. The nicest thing that happened all night was a surprise visit by my friend from uni, whose birthday it was. Im really glad he came, because I couldn't possibly follow on to where they were all meeting up.
When I got home at about half past ten I watched I'm No Angel again. I was in exactly the right mood for Mae West. She always makes me laugh. I got to bed after midnight again.

The rest of Saturday

I did meet up with friends at the Pride thing. It was uncomfortably crowded for me, so my friends and I went somewhere a bit quieter for a drink. I enjoyed it. It was a nice change.
After dinner I watched a couple of period dramas. I started off with Mansfield Park, based on Jane Austen and set in 1806. Afterwards I watched Gosford Park, set in 1932.  I went to bed just after midnight.