The latest weather

I shan't have to worry anymore about getting wet and keeping my fag dry when I go out for a fag. as the rain has all but stopped. That's good news for all the people who are going to have firework displays, morris dancing and the such-like. I'm loving it!

Now

I'm enjoying this evening, but I suppose the festivities are going to pass me by. I could go and watch the fireworks in the village centre if I like, but I can't see me being awake for too much longer. Having finished a bottle of cider and well over half-way through a bottle of champagne, I expect I shall be sound asleep before too much longer. This evening makes such a lovely change from what I usually do.

A thorny problem

Have you ever tried smoking a roll-up outside when it's raining buckets? Well I've cracked it and what you do is this: turn the lit end inwards and under your palm, then shield it with the said palm while you take the occasional puff. Sorted! What I haven't worked out, however, is how to keep one's clothes dry while one smokes. Oh well, it's back to the drawing-board.

The weather

The weather is a cunt and I couldn't care less. So there.

New Year's Eve

After I got home from the library I lay down on the sofa and read some more of the Walford. This time it was the bit about Soho. I fell asleep for about half an hour then woke up with a start. Her Serene Highness was back upstairs and holding court. The music was quiet but singularly awful, and sounded like a washing machine going round. The people were a good deal louder than the music and were getting lary. Then I heard from my best friend, inviting me to go there.
So here I am in the best of company, sat at the computer and listening to the rain falling in torrents outside. And do you know what? I'm loving it. What a nice way to see the old year out.

The rest of today

It's shouting toddlers time in the library, so I'm going to take myself home shortly when my session at the computer ends. I don't know what I'm going to do this evening. I know what I'd like to do, but that isn't necessarily the same thing. As long as I can hear myself think, that is all that really matters.

In the meanwhile

I went into the supermarket and it was grimmer than usual. The place was full of frail and fat people hobbling up and down the aisles. Some of the shelves had been picked completely bare. I can't understand why people panic-buy like that every time a bank holiday comes round. The shop will be closed tomorrow but it'll be open again as usual on Saturday. Duh.
While I was there I bumped into a lady I get on really well with. Her son is autistic in the same way that I am, and sometimes they come to hear me play. He reminds me very much of how I was when I was his age. The poor sod is extremely intelligent (has a good BA in English) but very quiet and withdrawn. He's not withdrawn with me though. He could talk the arse off a donkey!! I hope it won't be too long before he can come out of his shell with anyone.
Then I went home for a simple lunch, and noticed how peaceful and quiet it was. I couldn't help hoping that her ladyship would be seeing the new year in elsewhere.
I had intended to spend the rest of the day resting at home, but soon got restless. The weather is beautiful today, and extremely mild for the time of year, so I thought I'd take a little stroll back to the library.

And now...

I'm getting tired again, so I'll be off home shortly. First of all I'll dive into the supermarket to check for any bargains.
I'm hoping to be asleep by the time the new year comes round. I'd like to make something nice for dinner if I've got the energy. Most of all I'm hoping that it'll be a peaceful evening.

In the library

I'm at one of the 'quiet' computers in the library and guess what? The lobotomy club has decided to convene outside the computer suite. We're being regaled with the lurid details of their latest arrests and other unsavoury matters. It's frightening to think that these individuals are old enough to breed, and even more frightening to think that one day they probably will. Their parents have a great deal to answer for.

On reflection

2015 has been one of the most important and most significant years of my life. It has been a year of revisiting past experiences and of re-evaluating them. What I know now has cast a completely new light on what has come before.
It has often been levelled at me that I live in the past. I believed that I did, but now I know that I don't. what actually happened was that I'd keep on ruminating over past events, and trying to make sense of them. What I now know is that my autistic brain will keep thoughts and experiences 'live' until it has properly resolved them and processed them.
My diagnosis has also helped me to counter all the negative ways in which I saw myself. But those negative views were born of the negative ways in which people saw me. I didn't conform (and still don't) with the things that 'ordinary' people think I should be. I therefore saw myself as a total failure. What I didn't know was that there was a significant number of other people whose brains behaved exactly like my own, and who struggled with exactly the same sorts of things as I did. It's funny really, that 'ordinary' people seem to have a remarkable knack of marginalising those who don't fit the mould.
The diagnosis has helped me to be a bit kinder to myself, and to be more up-front about the things I find difficult. What it has also done is to allow me to take ownership of my considerable abilities and talents. Now I can be myself, without worrying what people might think.
2015 has been a very difficult year but, on balance, I think it has been a good one.

'Er upstairs

While I was watching The Man In The White Suit, I could hear music and other noise coming from upstairs. It wasn't all that loud, but loud enough to prevent me from concentrating on the film, so I switched it off. About ten minutes later she turned up the volume. The music was deafening. So was all the shrieking and screeching. My flat was full of it. I went into my bedroom to try and escape but it was loud there too. I put my hat and scarf on and flew out of the flat, and went for a nice walk in the wind and rain. It was quite cold outside so I returned home after a short time, and waited for the din to stop. Some time later she turned the sound down a bit, but it was still too loud for me to concentrate on anything. After a while it stopped.
The woman had been quieter for about six evenings in a row, and I know that must have been a terrible strain for her. I've already told my social worker about how I am being affected, and in the new year she will help me find somewhere where noise won't be an issue. I feel quite sad at the thought of moving from my beautiful flat, but I can't go on like this.
When I left home at just before nine this morning, neither the woman nor the toddler were up. I think I know what I'm in for tonight.

Last night

After dinner I thought I'd have an Ealing night, so put on The Ladykillers and thoroughly enjoyed it. Then I started watching The Man In The White Suit, but stopped it after a short while. Three quarters of an hour lafter I resumed the film but didn't enjoy it. Bed at nine-ish.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. I'm much more inclined to celebrate this than any of the religious stuff. The only trouble is that midnight is well past my bedtime, so I usually fall asleep by the time the new year comes round. What I'd really like is if the new year could start at 9pm instead of at midnight, and then I could be sure of seeing it in.
A miscellaneous thought; yesterday I had a look at the Walford book about the vicinity of Fleet Street in London. There was a section on Doctors Commons, which was a sort of court of justice. I was shocked to read that it was still trying cases of apostasy (a propos Christianity) in the middle of the nineteenth century. I hadn't realized that apostasy was still a crime in this country as recently as that. Then I remembered that an interminable and rambling Doctors Commons case is one of the main themes of Dickens' Bleak House. The court case becomes so expensive that the plaintiff's entire inheritance is spent on the cost of the court fees.

Soon

Now that I know I'm on the mend I'm starting to imagine a few things I have to look forward to. First of all there's all the nice food I got in for the holiday period. I'd completely lost my senses of taste and smell so didn't touch any of it. I'm particularly looking forward to the puddens. I'm hoping that I'll get round to making my own this year. They're so much nicer than anything that's sold in the shops.
And then there's the new pub where I played last Friday lunchtime. I've just heard back from the landlord and he's going to book me again in the new year. That's a result!

Thinking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lICvOJoK2uw

While I was outside for a smoke just now, I remembered a couple of things. There's a nineteenth-century song called Dashing Away With The Smoothing Iron. I don't know why but it kept on going round and round in my brain last night. I kept waking up thinking about it. I can't think why, as I don't even particularly like the song.
I also remembered another film I watched this week called Carlton-Browne Of The FO. It's one of the best comedies of the period and very clever satire, and has a wonderful cast of all the actors I enjoy watching.

In my case

I have been quite ill with stress. No, I'm not sitting at home wringing my hands and worrying about things. Let me tell you what happens. To begin with my belly slows down over a period of weeks, and reaches a point where it becomes quite uncomfortable. When that happens I then get a dose of thrush. Glad it ain't toucans. As that starts to clear up I start burning up with a fever that won't break. I can't sweat to start with, so have headaches and painful joints both day and night. Last night was awful. I think I was delirious. I kept waking up hurting, and full of old music hall songs. It's unspeakably horrible. The good news is that I've finally had my first sweat, so I know I'm on the mend. You will probably understand now why I have remained in bed since last Thursday, and how strong I have been in making sure my obligations are fulfilled.

The silver screen

I've watched quite a lot of dvds over the past week. Rather I've had the dvds on and watched them from time to time. One of my favourites is The London Nobody Knows, narrated by James Mason. It's a silly title though. Lots of people knew this London. James Mason did for example. So did everyone who worked on the film. So did everyone who saw the film. So did the author of the book on which the film is based, as well as the people who read it.
I also watched two John Mills films; We Dive At Dawn and Morning Departure. I also watched John And Julie, The Bat, Goodbye Mr. Chips and some Stanley Baxter Christmas shows. In the meanwhile the people upstairs continue relatively quiet.

My resolution

I did promise myself that after the long weekend, I'd start using the library in the next town. Well here I am today, back at the same place. I'm just slightly too wobbly to start gallivanting round all over the place. We've got a small colony of gibbons in place at the moment, but they're not the really horrible ones. They're just a bit annoying where they won't stop talking and giggling.

In the meanwhile

I did go home and promptly put myself to bed. It's more difficult to settle down during the daytime as people are active, and there are lots of distracting sounds. I must admit I don't like loud car stereos at any time of the day. I was just starting to nod off when the phone rang. That was that. I was wide awake. It was good news though. I shall be going for assessment by the mental health team at the end of next week. I have a lot to thank my social worker for. My doctor obviously doesn't understand autism and didn't want to refer me. If it wasn't for the social worker I wouldn't have the appointment.

Feeling festive?

Feeling ill isn't much fun at all, but even that has its plus side. It has meant that all the Christmas stuff has been and gone and completely passed me by. Yay!!! I don't like hypocrisy and certainly don't want to act like a hypocrite.

Them upstairs

The last week has been quiet. In fact it's been un-naturally quiet. She went quiet like this the last time I complained, so someone else must have complained. I know she'll start up again at some point. It's just a matter of when. The upside of this is that I've been able to sleep properly.

The rest of today

I'll leave the library shortly and will go to the supermarket for some essentials. Afterwards I'm going straight back to bed.

This morning

I had the counseling session. Although I'm feeling physically very rough, I'm feeling much better in myself. After I left the session and walked down the road, I saw a notice saying that someone had lost their cockerteal. Made me smile! Then on to the library.

The last few days

I haven't been well. I know it's all stress-related and follows the usual pattern. I've been in bed four and a half days, only getting up to meet my commitments.
I played on Friday lunchtime. I know that went well from the things that customers said to me. I played on Sunday night too. I was messed around very badly so packed up around eight o'clock. On Saturday I went to and acquaintance for lunch. That was nice but I was back home as quickly as I could make it.

Now

It's been a lovely morning in the library. It's been busy alright but completely unpestered by the sorts of people we've had in lately. So I'm off round the corner for a quick snack, and then it's on to my appointment.

Today's sermon

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-35170590

What a load of backward-looking rubbish. The values that this gentleman urges us to embrace have been anything but kind to the poor, and to those who disagreed with it.

In general

It felt strange when I didn't play last Wednesday. It was a complete change of routine, and that's bound to unnerve someone like me. I'm playing tomorrow lunchtime though, and I'm playing again Sunday night. I may possibly play again towards the end of next week, and again the following Sunday night. Apart from that I've got my every-other-Thursday chat this lunchtime, and I'm looking forward to seeing my best friend afterwards. I've got a very quiet few weeks ahead of me.

My favourite carol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMpu3zNY-wk

Amen.

Thoughts...

One thing I really struggle with is hypocrisy. I take everything literally, at face value. When I see that someone's actions are different from their words I get really rattled, because I'm struggling to work out what the mixed messages mean. For me hypocrisy is the same thing as dishonesty. Hypocrisy is another way of lying.

This morning

I've done a bit of work on social media. I needed a bit of a clear out, so that's what I've done. As I have said in past blogs, I'm not the life and soul of any party, and I'm not even remotely interested in having millions of 'friends'. Apart from that friendship implies that people have something in common. My friend list now shows who my true friends are, plus a few others.

Since yesterday teatime

I cooked a lovely meal when I got home and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Then it turned into an ordinary sort of evening. At twenty to eight I took myself out to get away from it. It was still in full flow when I got back. Bed at half past nine, quiet an hour later, sleep some time after that. I had a restless night and got up just after six.
I had a couple of quiet hours with the fags and coffee before it started up again. Then up to the library.

Soon

The gang of druggies who were all shown out yesterday have shown themselves back into the library. I think it's definitely the last time I'm coming here. I'll go to the next town in future. Later on I'm going to see a friend very briefly. After that it'll be shops and then home.

Idle hands?

Some of yesterday's lobotomically-challenged community came back into the library, and that decided me to go home. While I was there I went through the three new Scarlatti sonatas, plus another new one, plus three that I used to play before, plus four sonatas by Soler. This influx of new blood at the historic building will make my recitals much more interesting to play.
 I can never work on one piece at a time, as I soon get bored of playing the same thing over and over again. My normal habit is to have a number of works on the go at any one time. The pieces I have mastered drop out of regular practice, and their place is taken by other new pieces.

The 'c' word

No, it's not the one you thought I meant. I meant Christmas, although they are one and the same thing. To me it represents a lot of bad things and some very evil doctrine. That aside, I realise that many people enjoy it. This year I have made a satisfactory compromise. I'm playing at the pub. I enjoy playing and will try not to vomit during the carols. However I will contributing something that people like, on the day they like it. If anyone wishes me a happy Christmas though, I think I'm going to slap them.

In general

I can't remember if I mentioned it yesterday, but there was a development regarding the story of the druggies and lowlife who were in the library yesterday. We had a visit from the county constabulary, who promptly escorted them off the premises. The library staff must have had enough too. I feel sorry for those poor librarians, and what they have to put up with.
In the meanwhile the social media have contacted me to say they suspect I'm not using my real name. That is correct. I use my nickname, and use it because I have broken off all contact with my blood relations, and don't want them to be able to contact me. I'm in a quandary about what to do. I think I'll send them the ID they've requested, but  only if they agree that I can use my nickname. If they don't,  then I want the page shut down. I don't know why they are being so funny.

In future

I'm thinking ahead now. I can see clearly how I'd like things to be. I want to play at the historic building as usual, but with an expanded repertoire. I want to play at the new pub and other new pubs, and to stop playing at the place I'm at now. It's not all bad though. It has kept me going, but only just. I feel like the monkey that's having peanuts chucked at it. I wonder how the proprietor will feel about my Christmas booking.

The weather

Yesterday afternoon continued very windy and showery, and as the evening wore on the wing turned into gales. It had all calmed down by the time I got up this morning. Now it's bright, sunny, chilly and very calm.

Since yesterday afternoon

When I got home I ran through the new Scarlatti pieces, and had an early dinner. The delivery I expected didn't turn up. Then I sat down to watch some dvds. It was a quiet evening, and you could have knocked me down with a feather. Of course there was 'proper' noise, the sort of things you'd expect to hear, but none of the appalling stuff I've been having to put up with. I turned in at nine. It took me a while to fall asleep, but I slept right round to after six this morning without waking up during the night. I feel much more relaxed today than I have done for a long time. While I was on the fags and coffee I looked through my book of music hall songs for things I can play as 'background music'.

The rest of today

I'll need to go soon to receive a delivery. After that who knows? I certainly don't. I will try and do some practice this afternoon. The message from my social worker has given me a glimmer of hope.

Trying times

Next year I want to play a wider range of harpsichord music at the historic building, rather than restricting myself to the Elizabethan stuff I currently play. In the meanwhile my anxiety and depression levels have hit the roof, so I'm resorting to a decades-old coping mechanism to kill two birds with one stone; in short I'm learning new pieces. Yesterday teatime, despite how I felt, I learned three new Scarlatti sonatas (K208, K209 and K213). I want to start the new year with a good supply of Scarlatti, Soler and pieces by the French Clavecinistes.

This Friday

I've just advertised my event at the new pub this coming Friday, and it seems to be getting very popular. People who used to come and hear me once upon a time have expressed interest. Of course I know fully well what it is about. Most people don't like the pub where I currently play. I can't say I blame them, although I see some lovely people there and I feel completely safe. I have a feeling that what I'm about to do will be very much nicer. There will be the additional bonus in that I can leave the keyboard at the historic building permanently, rather than having to move it by hand and foot four times a week. I have a feeling that things are starting to look up.
I have heard back from my social worker, and she will help me with the housing thing after Christmas. She is good and it's wonderful having someone like that around, instead of having to struggle to cope on my own all the time.

A resolution

Our local library seems to have become the regular haunt of all the druggies and assorted lowlife in the locality. After the long weekend I shall start bussing it to the library in the next town. They're a bunch of cunts round here.

Since yesterday afternoon

I was tired when I got home and my head was pounding, so I stayed on the sofa all evening. Dinner was a curry from the freezer. Upstairs were atrocious again. Bed at nine.
I slept very badly indeed and was awake for half the night.
Slow coffee and fags, then a walk up to the counselling session. When I told her about what I'm having to cope with, she suggested I contact social services to see what they can do to help. When I got to the library afterwards the first thing I did was to send that email.
It's been very windy, rainy and overcast since yesterday afternoon, and doesn't look like it's going to get any better.

Fun (or not)

I left the library and made my way towards the bus stop. It's getting very windy and it looks like we're in for more than a little drop of rain. I waited forty minutes for the service that runs every quarter of an hour. I was a bit worried because I didn't see any buses running in the opposite direction either. I'm not grumbling about the service. It's a very good one, and it's the first time I've ever had to wait so long. It has put me a bit behind with the things I need to do though. Never mind.

The emptiest vessels?

The talkative geezer was on duty yesterday at the historic building. Yes, he talks. Continuously. It's one sentence that goes on from the time he arrives till the time he leaves. People go outside to get away from it and he creeps up on them to continue the monologue. He was at the staff party and carried on true to form. Had everyone talking about politics. I took myself to the next room to try and calm down but couldn't. That's why I played carols. It wasn't because I wanted to. I was already too tired, but it was my way of blocking him out. A couple of people did pass comments, but he was too engaged by the sound of his own voice to hear them.
When I got to the pub some smug bastard was holding court. I started the evening by belting out 'My Old Man Said Follow The Van', at which point he engaged me in unwanted conversation. "I'm classically trained" said he, so I tried to look impressed and asked him to play something. Needless to say he declined. Then I piled it on with a trowel. "I'm professionally trained too. Self-taught until the age of 38, graduated with a first and then graduated from one of the most internationally-respected of our musical establishments. By the way I'm a harpsichordist". He wanted the moonlight soddin sonata, so I gave him the first two movements, and told him off for interrupting me at the end of the first movement (the first two movements are performed consecutively without a break). I did feel pleased with myself. Very few people are in a position where they can look down on either my intellect or my performance abilities. I accepted the pint he subsequently bought me, and spent the rest of the evening scowling at him. Later on he tried to demonstrate his superior knowledge of opera, on which subject I shot him down just as easily and effectively.
The emptiest vessels don't just make the most noise. They are also cunts.

This week

I'm off for a counselling session in the morning. When I had a drop of wine the other day I had a brainwave, and decided to write down my thoughts and experiences as they occurred. I have read it since and have decided to show it to the lady in the morning. The things I wrote were all true, but are things I could not speak about.
Then on Thursday I've got my every-other-Thursday chat. I think I'm playing Friday lunchtime and know I'm playing Sunday night. It's a much quieter week for me.

The rest of today

I have to get my keyboard from the pub later on. That's going to be a right old slog, but I'd rather do it sooner than later so it's done with. After that? I can't really say. I can't say. I don't seem to get much choice in it nowadays. I know I can stay at my best friend's, but I need to be back in town for an early appointment tomorrow morning. What a shame.

This morning

I do feel stupidly tired. I have done a lot of playing lately. I enjoyed most of it, but both it and my lack of sleep have caught up with me. I only had one mug of coffee this morning as I hadn't the energy to make a second.
The library started off nice and quiet, but it wasn't to last. Three cunts, er, I mean kids, sat in different parts of the room, all played the same computer game, and all continuously shouted across the room to each other. That did my head in so I went for a remarkably unenjoyable plastic hamburger, then bussed it to the next town to use their library's computers. It's very much quieter here, and worth the trip.

Sleep

My sleep continues very bad, even given that I don't usually sleep well in the first place. The people upstairs are really affecting how I feel. They used to be very quiet and now they are not. I wonder what happened?

Last night

When I got home there were minor rumblings until about eleven, but nothing too drastic. I hadn't eaten anything all day apart from a few snacks and felt very hungry, so I fried some patra. I watched Laurel and Hardy in Busy Bodies and turned in.

Sunday

I had a very busy day at the historic building. The playing went very well indeed, and had some good moments. One of these was when I gave a mini 'lecture-recital' to a group of about a dozen. I talked about the Pavan & Galliard and explained their social context, and a couple of the social niceties. Afterwards I explained the historical significance of the pieces I had played, and how these structures had evolved into the eighteenth century (eg the French suite, and Spanish single-movement keyboard sonatas, which were often played in contrasting pairs in the same key). It went down very well. I am looking to try and organise people to learn the dance steps, so that they can be danced while I play them. After the building closed at teatime I played some carols for the staff party.
Then at seven o'clock I moved my keyboard to the pub and kicked off there. I don't really enjoy it so much now. I don't feel so easy with the current bar staff as I did with my favourite barman who has now left. It's much nicer when I see certain of my friends there, but they weren't around yesterday. I got the thing over and done with by a quarter to nine and went home soon afterwards. Really didn't enjoy it.

I heartily concur

Christmas carols. I'm sick and tired of playing 'em.

The rest of Saturday

I went to the new pub as arranged, and I'm glad I did. I did the 'knees up mother Brown' routine on their bashed-up old upright and the customers loved it. I was given a pint and something to eat, which I really wasn't expecting. I'm going to have a regular slot there from now on. As it goes the proprietor recognized me. He'd seen me doing my stuff at another location. So there you are. I'm playing for a couple of hours of Friday lunchtime. I really like the place. It's very friendly, and I saw people I used to like seeing when I used to go out.
Saturday night was horrible, and just as bad as Friday night. This time the woman had people round, all of whom sounded like they were getting very drunk. Madame did nothing but screech and giggle all evening, and there were plenty of drunken banging noises on the ceiling. I gave up watching dvds at around half past seven, and just sat there waiting for bedtime.

The rest of today

At the moment I feel very tired indeed, so I shan't be eating out. Besides it's just a bit too extravagant for me. I will pop into the new pub shortly, just for one for the road. I'll have a look at the piano too. Then it'll be home to I don't know what.

In the meanwhile

When I went to the supermarket I bumped into someone I know socially, and who I'm always happy to see. He turns out to be the chef at a new pub that people keep recommending to me. So that's that. I'm going there this afternoon. He's asked me to give their piano the once over.
I had a good time at the historic building. We did have my sort of visitors today. However I did have to move myself and my keyboard downstairs because of that market woman person's incessant loud chattering. I'll have to go through the rigmarole of moving it all back upstairs tomorrow, as the volunteer with verbal diarrhoea will be on duty.

Shortly

Time marches on. I need to get myself to the historic building, but before that I'll go to the supermarket. I shall need something to sustain me during the afternoon. I might well eat out tonight. Let's see how it goes. I don't want another night like the one I've just had.

A moment ago

I went outside for a fag and to check on the weather. It's very mild indeed, a bit overcast but with a hint of sunshine. While I was there I tried thinking, but I can't concentrate very well because of the slight headache. I noticed that I'm even more than usually sensitive to noise, when I noticed all the voices and the sound of the traffic.

Between the lines

Not much you can say really.

On my soap box

I expect I'm becoming a crashing bore for those I'm closest too. Always banging on about the difficulties faced by autistic adults. Always banging on about that form of evil known as religion. Always banging on about the narrow-minded, Neolithic attitudes of a minority (I hope) of individuals towards homosexuals. In all honesty I'm quite saddened that I need to spend the teatime of my life in trying to raise people's awareness of these issues. And don't forget that we now live in the twenty-first century. It just won't do. It's not good enough.

This morning

Had the fags and coffee feeling mentally quite shattered. I won't give in to it. I have to play this afternoon so I've dressed nicely. After I got dressed I lashed out on some buttered toast and set off for the library.

Sleep

I turned in feeling very uncomfortable and edgy, with a dull sensation across my cheekbones and aching limbs. Nevertheless I put on a recording of some concerti grossi by Muffat. I don't think I slept much last night. I had three long periods awake; the first was around two o'clock and the last was at about five. I remember one dream, where I was going to visit mu mum in the countryside of North Wales. (She didn't live there in real life). I got lost and took a taxi. The taxi driver also got lost, and there was one frightening moment going along a narrow road up a very high and steep hill. When we got to the top the taxi tried to go into reverse and the driver looked scared. The next bit I remember is turning up at a house and seeing my mum and her husband. Mum went into a room and I never saw her again. I looked in all the rooms but there was no sign of her. I asked her husband about it and he wouldn't tell me. I got very, very worried. At some point later the husband came into the house from outside, bringing with him a group of people who, in real life, had hurt or upset me very badly. What a night. I'm worn out and my head is quite done in.

Last night

I cooked dinner and sat down to eat it at about half past six, and watching a Family Guy dvd that I'd been given. Shortly afterwards I could hear one car engine running, then two then more. The event that was taking place had needed road closures, so all the traffic that would have gone down the main road was having to come down the side street. I couldn't concentrate on either the film or my dinner, so off went the film and into the kitchen went my dinner. About half an hour later the traffic started moving freely again so I resumed the film.
At ten past eight I could hear the thing that lives upstairs. She was outside and shouting at one of her children. When she got in my troubles really started. The music wasn't deafeningly loud, but left me completely unable to concentrate on my film. Off it went again. The music went on till half past nine, but the stampeding around and all the noises of overexcited toddlers and a shouting mum didn't stop until after I went to bed at twenty to eleven, having just finished my cold dinner.

Shortly

I'm nearly at the point where I'm going to lose it, so I think I'd better leave. Supermarket first then home. Can't think. Bloody horrible fucking people.

A question

Me: If I wield a baseball bat or fire a rocket launcher here, will I be banned from the library?

Librarian: Yes, but It will take a long time.


Ha!!!

This morning

I was deep in thought when I got up, but the thoughts were many and indistinct, and followed one another in rapid succession before I'd had a chance to think of them properly. I took my time with the coffee and fags, dressed myself smartly and took myself up to the library. I didn't stay there long, as I went on to meet my best friend. That was lovely.

Now

The library is full of noisy cunts and their progeny. Finding it almost impossible to concentrate.

Last night

I had a drink again. For me drink doesn't blot anything out, but it sometimes concentrates the mind. I remember thinking about the archaic pronunciation of yesteryear (Maureen pronounced morreeen, Ralph pronounced rayf, Noel Coward pronounced neaul kaaahd). I remember some very strong and pertinent memories and thoughts, but can no longer remember them. Shame. I wanted to write about them today.

Sleep

I listened to Corelli's Op1 again when I turned in. I had another restless night, waking up many times and staying awake once. Awake at half past seven and up at eight.

The rest of yesterday

I made an Indian vegetarian meal and enjoyed what I'd cooked. Just after I'd finished the banging and crashing started. I exploded and they must have heard me because it went quiet. I watched The Passionate Friends (very tedious indeed) and finished with In Which We Serve, which is much better altogether. Bed at ten.

Out again

I went to the supermarket and it was my lucky day. I bought a whole carrier bag full of interesting veg for next to nothing. On the way home I planned the meals I'm going to make with them. It'll be curry tonight, of the vegetarian sort. When I got home a Christmas card from a close friend was waiting for me. I'm going to send her an email to tell her off. It was very kind of her but I wish she wouldn't make a fuss. She's such a lovely person too.

I came across this earlier on and have been thinking about it ever since:

This is the result of an autism test that I took a year ago while I was waiting to be diagnosed. I don't approve of self-diagnosis by people who are not doctors, however I was feeling desperate at the time. It is interesting that the result corresponds exactly with my diagnosis.

My next few days

I have a busy time ahead of me. I'm playing all afternoon at the historic building Tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. Then on Sunday evening I'm playing old time songs for the volunteers. Then I'm at the pub on Sunday night. I'm hoping to be able to meet up with my best friend tomorrow, and that's something I'm looking forward too. Just now an elderly man with a stick hobbled past farting loudly and repeatedly. Never mind. I'm sure the poor old sod couldn't help it.

Bad syntax

I have just seen a photo of a man wearing a placard with the legend We are all muslims. I wonder what it means. Does the sign apply only to those people who wear the placard? Or does it imply that every person in the world is a muslim? If the latter is the case I take great exception to the message. I am certainly not a muslim, and do not adhere to any religion. I take offence because that religion would have me killed for being a) an atheist and b) a homosexual. The crass stupidity of the message defies comprehension. However our society does allow freedom of expression, so that individual has every right to broadcast such a message. And quite right too. However I am exercising the same right when I say the placard is both misleading and untrue.

Tonight

I need to go to the supermarket, but I don't know what else the rest of the day has in store for me. It's rather difficult to plan a quiet night in, and I really don't fancy going to the pub just to get away from it. Tonight will be either quiet or not. Let's see what I get.

Now

It's been a lovely day today, with a hint of brightness and feeling quite a bit warmer than it has been. You would not credit the stuff that you hear people say in the library. Just now one woman was on her phone bleating and moaning, and blaming 'the system' for things that sounded like they were patently her own fault. Boring. Yawn. And very annoying. The country provides free education for these people. I often think that education is completely wasted on the likes of her.

In the meanwhile

The noise was starting to get a bit much so I wandered off down the High Street. A recording of some carols was playing so I rushed past to get to the charity shop. Carols are a cunt. Horrible things. There was nothing doing in the shop so I stopped off at the butcher's for one of their hamburgers in pastry creations. Then back to the library. It's still a bit noisy, but I am lucky to get a seat away from the main computer suite.

This morning

I took my time with the fags and coffee and have been deep in thought since I got up. Bits and pieces of my life keep coming back; things that have stayed at the back of my mind for decades. After the diagnosis this comes as no great surprise. The professionals who are working with me fully expected such a reaction. I expected it too. It's what the autistic brain does. 'Ruminating' they call it. I think my brain is having a major clearout; pondering, cogitating, sorting and processing all the events of my life and trying to file them where they should be.
I got to the library somewhat later than usual. When I arrived the main suite was fully occupied by the talkative community, and the quiet seats were all taken. That just won't do. The staff have very kindly let me use one of the terminals downstairs. It's noisy too, lots of small children, but not quite so distracting as the rubbish I often hear in detail.

Sleep

I turned in listening to Corelli's trio sonatas Op1. Lovely. The new mattress is so comfortable! It's surprising what a difference six inches can make (as the bishop said to the dean). My sleep was physically very comfortable, but mentally very uncomfortable. I woke up frequently and deep in thought. I was wide awake by four and stayed awake for ages. I kept on nodding off and waking up until half past seven, but couldn't find the energy to move until three quarters of an hour later. I'm a bit tired today.

Last night

I cooked an unusual combination of things for dinner and thoroughly enjoyed my meal. Afterwards I sat down to Blithe Spirit. I got about a quarter of an hour into the film when the incessant shouting from upstairs did my head in. I switched the film off and took myself to the pub to drown my sorrows. A social acquaintance was already there and we had a pint together. After he left I treated myself to something stronger. I was delighted when the new and inexperienced barmaid charged me £3 for a drink that I know costs £4.50. That was rather naughty of me, but I just thought to myself 'why not?' When I got home I watched This Happy Breed and thoroughly enjoyed it. The old bag had gone quiet by the time I returned. Bed at ten.

On a brighter note...

Welcome back to my world!!!

Later on

I've had enough of the computer for today. Anyway I'm always tired after playing in the first place. I'll go home once I've been to the supermarket, and get my bedroom sorted out. Then it'll be dinner and films as usual, noise permitting.

One thing after another

This morning the historic building contacted me out of the blue to say a large party of foreign students had turned up unexpected. So I flew home and moved my keyboard. I set it up on a table and played it standing up. That was uncomfortable because the table was too low. When the students left I went back home for the keyboard stand. When I left the house one of my neighbours started talking to me. I didn't mind that at all but spent the time thinking about how I could extricate myself from the conversation. I didn't have to think for too long, as I was startled by my phone ringing. It was someone I know socially offering me some work. I had to decline. I can't think on the phone. Besides I'm busy the rest of this week. As soon as I had set up properly at the historic building I was mortified when the phone rang again. That was much easier to deal with. It was my social worker telling me that my new mattress was about to be delivered. I rushed home again to take delivery of it, and then it was straight back to the historic building. We had very few visitors today so I left very early, and went to the post office to post the card I'd intended to post this morning. Then back to the library. What an eventful day!

Now

It's been quite peaceful in the library this morning. Time to go though. 48 students have arrived at the historic building. Need to play.

Thoughts

Just now I had yet another text message from the mobile phone people, offering me a discount if I buy more credit. I've been getting an average of two such messages every single day, and I'm getting really wound up by them. If I want to buy more credit, I'm more than capable of making that decision for myself. I don't need to be bombarded with messages from those cunts. All they are doing is to put my back up. Grrrr.
I've had such a lot on my mind lately that I forgot a close friend's birthday last weekend. I feel very bad about it. It's the first time I've ever forgotten it, and I hope it'll be the last time too. I'm sending her a card with an enclosed letter this morning. I hope she won't be too upset.
Quite a few people from the autistic community have been contacting me lately on social media. Some want to be 'friends', others ask me what my life has been like. I don't mind that one bit. If I can do something that will make things easier for other people, then that would make me feel I'm doing something useful.

Moods

Yesterday I had my second counselling session, and I feel that they are starting to kick in. I still felt very low when I went to bed, but found my mood a bit better when I got up this morning.
Last night I remembered something from my early childhood. I remember having a set of crayons, and remember how some of the colours used to remind me of flavours.

Sleep

I turned in listening to Corelli's Op3 trio sonatas. I must have slept very soundly as I don't remember anything about it, and my bed wasn't in a state when I woke up just before five.

Last night

I ate some of Monday's dinner and froze the rest. Afterwards I watched It Always Rains On Sunday, Champagne Charlie and Whisky Galore. Upstairs went quiet after I shouted out at them. I really needed to unwind so had the nice bottle of wine I'd bought for well under £4.00. Bed at ten.

The rest of today

It's been lovely an quiet in the library this afternoon, but I think I'm just about ready to make my way home. I still feel very tired, but not as extremely tired as I did yesterday. I shan't have to cook as I have plenty of food left from yesterday. I hope to have an undemanding evening, and I hope that my peace won't be too disrupted by them upstairs.

Different things

After I left the library I took myself to the hamburger joint for a massive overdose of salt and miscellaneous e's. Afterwards I bussed it out of town to the big Lidl. I'd only ever been there once before and that was with my best friend, but I really fancied trying something different for a change. I did find it all very disorientating to start with. I could see everything but could find nothing. All the packaging looked strange and unfamiliar. I was aware of the particularly bright lighting, and very wary of all the shopping trolleys that came at me from unfamiliar directions. After a short while I did find my bearings and bought a few goodies for next to nothing. I'm glad I went.

In the library

Welcome back into my world. It's been pretty appalling today. Earlier on we had three of the usual 'offenders', shouting, shrieking, giggling in the corner. Now a lengthy, loud phone conversation is in progress; a young person with Tourette's is speaking to the authorities about an individual who has apparently just come out of prison, and who has apparently threatened to kill him. Add to this the sound of screaming babies and toddlers, and the numerous quieter conversations. I can hear the lot. What a cacophony. I think it's time to go.

This afternoon

I'm feeling adventurous and fancy travelling a bit. I can't make up my mind though whether to go to the Continent, or to fly across the Atlantic, or to travel the Silk Route in a camel caravan. This indecision is most bewildering. Oh bugger it. I think I'll just go for a bus ride instead.

Feeling festive?

This is a strange and unnatural time of year. People start being deliberately nice for a change. There is naked greed in the air. People make a point of deliberately remembering those less fortunate than themselves. The whole thing is nothing less than an orchestrated sales campaign by the capitalist classes. The whole thing is sheer hypocrisy. It is hard to even think about it without referring to gynaecological terminology.

Sleep

I went to bed listening to some symphonies by Rosetti (aka Anton Roessler). My sleep was very disturbed and I was wide awake at a quarter to four. I eventually got back to sleep, woke up with the alarm at seven then fell asleep again. I woke up finally at a quarter to eight and that made me very late indeed, as I had a nine o'clock appointment.

Last night

I arrived home feeling completely exhausted and proceeded to cook. My curry was a culinary triumph and I ate plenty. Afterwards I lay down on the sofa watching Noel Coward's Tonight at 8.30. At half past six I was just started to nod off when I was woken by the usual noise from upstairs. That didn't go on for too long and finished around a quarter past eight. Bed at ten.

Soon

I'd completely forgotten that I need to go and get my keyboard back from the pub. The library is really doing my head in today, so I'll go and see to that after I've got the essential bits of shopping that I forgot just now. Then it'll be home until tomorrow morning.

In the meanwhile

I've been and done a good shop, and will get the freezer stuff ready when I get home. On the way back I didn't see someone else, another acquaintance of mine that I always like to see. We had a short natter and then I made my way back to the library. Appalling. The noisy cunts who sat next to me last time were gone, but a mob of degenerates has taken their place. I couldn't believe that even one of them ever made it through infant school. Depressing.

Now

In general my life is quite blighted by noise. Now I've got people next to me who are talking loudly about absolute shit. Can't concentrate anymore. Are people just inconsiderate, or is there such a thing as a talking disorder?

Just now

I'm miles away, and more than usually so. I think the tiredness has something to do with that. As I left the library someone I know socially called to me. I'd been completely oblivious to them. We walked up the High Street, where I got three good pairs of trousers for a quid each. This time I got light-coloured ones. I've never worn light trousers before because I'd always imagined myself to be too fat. Well apparently I'm not, so I'm told. Then I went to the post office. When I got there I realized I'd forgotten to get the recipient's address from the computer. What an idiot. So here I am again at the library.

Today

I'm still feeling very tired, so I'll try and get some sleep this afternoon before the woman upstairs and her kid get home. I do enjoy all the playing, but don't really enjoy feeling this tired.
I want to cook something nice for dinner, so I'll need to feel a bit nicer or I shan't want to do it.
Tonight I might listen to some more of the Telemann. I didn't used to be all that bothered with his stuff, but I've heard some very good pieces lately. Last night I listened to the quartet for recorder, two flutes and basso continuo. I remember hearing it on the radio decades ago, but my recording is a lot nicer.

Thoughts

I've just been outside for a fag in the cold, damp & overcast gloom, and got thinking. Last night a woman asked my age (I don't know why), and was surprised by my reply."How do you manage to look so good?" she asked (what bollocks. I know what I look like). I replied that a copious supply of cider does wonders for my complexion (ha!!).
I need to go to the post office, but after that I plan to give my freezer a birthday when I visit the local supermarket.
This is the time of year when I have to play some of the most tedious music I know. Yep, Christmas carols. Can't stand 'em. They're all mealy-mouthed and horrible. I've had to play the fuckers for three days in a row. (vomit).

This morning

While I was coming round yesterday, I saw a that man had broken into one of the cars in the garage over the road. He was already having it away over the wall by the time my camera was ready, but I got a photo of him fleeing the premises.
I got up at five this morning feeling mentally and physically shattered. While I was having the fags and coffee I got the photo onto my memory stick and went back to bed for an hour. I emailed it to the garage when I arrived at the library.
Meanwhile Social Services are onto my case. She has already contacted the man who is helping me with work, and he contacted me to let me know. She has also contacted the mental health team, and they phoned me. Yes, phoned me. Needless to say the conversation was not a success. The woman kept misunderstanding me, which made me very anxious. She also kept asking me questions that I couldn't find the right words to answer. They have no facility to contact me by email. She said they will phone me again. What's the point? I don't know if I will pick up if the thing rings again. With a bit of luck they will write to me instead.

Sunday

I was busy yesterday. I played for four hours solid at the historic building, then another three on and off at the pub. In between I lay down for an hour, but couldn't sleep because of the infantile stampeding and the elephant trumpeting.
The historic building was so-so, but I did see a few people interested in what I was doing. The pub was a bit of a flop, although there were some good bits. Early on a group of people down from London were flying round the room doing the Okey-Cokey. Also three volunteers from the historic building came to see me. That made it a bit easier, but it was quiet. In fact the Old Town was quiet, almost deserted.
When I got home I had some hamburgers and watched The Heat's On.

Saturday night

I had a rough-and-ready student-type dinner of bangers, beans and potato croquettes. Then I sat down to three episodes of Steptoe and Son. Afterwards I finished with Vivien Leigh in Anna Karenina. The kid upstairs was still running around at 9pm, after which it went quiet. I had to stop my dvds quite a few times, but I'm doing my best to try and cope with it.

Later on

I'm going home shortly. Dinner will be nice and simple. Apart from that I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't look forward to the evenings anymore. I never know what to expect.

In the meanwhile

I heard from my brother, and his daughter will be there the same week I'd intended to visit him. I'm certainly not going, after the way she has treated me on more than one occasion. I've told him I will look at different dates.
Things were much better at the historic building, although we had disappointingly few visitors. Nothing was said to me, but the volunteers were much quieter today. I feel quite tired after playing continuously for three and a half hours. My repertoire is increasing; I didn't play any of the pieces more than once.

The report

I did have another look at the diagnosis report when I got home. There was something else the psychologist got right about me. He observed that social anxiety could cause me to avoid social activities, or to withdraw from social life altogether.
At the moment I play several times a week. I don't go out to socialize, but in order to do what is expected of me. I very rarely go out to socialise, and then it's almost invariably to see my best friend. When I think about it I actually have withdrawn almost completely from social life. If it weren't for the playing then I'd probably just stay at home, or come to the library to use the computers. Fucking autism. Why can't I be like everyone else?

A world of my own?

Imagine yourself sitting in your own front room. You hear sounds all the time, some of them loud and some quiet. Sometimes it's only one sound you hear, but usually it's many. You hear cars on the road outside your window. You hear cars in the distance. You hear laughter and voices from other flats. You hear people talking outside. You hear radios. You hear car stereos. You hear footsteps nearby and further away. You hear them getting closer and closer and you hear them going further away. You hear the distant rumbling of someone's washing machine. You hear the humming of your own fridge, and the occasional drip of water in the lavatory cistern. You hear music coming from the pub in the distance. You hear some drinkers having a good laugh and you hear others quarrelling. Then into the night you hear the very loud stamping around of the toddler upstairs and the shouts of its mother. Meanwhile you are trying to think, or to read, or to watch a film. This is what my world sounds like.

This morning

I got up still full of the thoughts of yesterday, as I went for the fags and coffee. I realize I am currently experiencing the aftermath of one of those 'meltdown' things (the word gets on my nerves, but that's what it's called). As usual this stuff will be foremost in my mind, and will keep going round and round until I'm able to resolve it.
I'm supposed to be playing carols this afternoon, and that's in addition to my usual stuff, but unless something has been done about the incessant loud talking, I shan't play. I'll take both my keyboard and myself straight home. I know that will upset me too, as I really look forward to playing, but I just can't cope anymore with the sort of shit I've had to cope with. Besides, why should I? No classical musician would be expected to play a recital with people talking loudly some ten feet away, and with their mobiles playing loud and extravagant ringtones. It ain't right. It won't do.

Sleep

At a quarter to eleven I put on the third 'production' of Telemann's Tafelmusik and went to bed. I don't remember anything about the night. I know it was a restless one though, because of the state of my bedding when I woke up at six.

Last night

I ha dinner, and eventually managed to watch Pink String and Sealing Wax and Murder At The Gallop. I felt very distressed last night from what had happened earlier. My head pounded, my arms ached, and everything kept going round and round. It's apparently a normal reaction for an autist, so at least I understand now, rather than just thinking I understand as I used to.

Later on

I'm not staying in the library for much longer. I'm really wound up and need to try and calm myself down. For the rest of today it'll be home as usual. At least I shan't have to cook, as I made enough yesterday for tonight's meal.

One of those days

We had visitors at the historic building but it wasn't a good day. Two stallholders have set up in the room next to me, and they wouldn't stop talking. It was continuous and it was loud, so I kept taking myself downstairs to get away from them. It was so distracting that I couldn't concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. Downstairs at the entrance desk was the person who comes in on Sundays, and who also won't stop talking and who is also loud. Anyway some visitors came in so I went back upstairs to play. Do you know the cunt at the desk kept those people talking for a quarter of an hour, so there's muggings playing to myself, meanwhile trying to ignore all the shit I could hear next door. One of the nice volunteers asked me if I was OK and I exploded. That was that. I left two hours early with a pounding headache and aching arms. That's the second day in a row that I've left early because of all the loud talking. I can't cope with it. I have told the person who asked how I was. I won't continue to play under those circumstances. It's intolerable.

In a moment

I'm feeling a bit puckish and recklessly extravagant, so I'm going to take myself home for a couple of slices of toast. Then it's orf to the historic building, where I'm due to play until this evening. Let's see. If it's quiet with visitors but noisy with all the blathering by the other staff, then I won't bother staying. That stuff does my head in and I just can't concentrate.

The time of year

This is the season that the homeless are fed and kept warm for a day or two. Then they are chucked back out onto the street to fend for themselves. We are bombarded with advertisements for expensive products. We are showered with images of rich food and gluttony. We constantly hear people saying 'I want...' and 'I'm getting...'
Most of the world's population is poor. These ostentatious displays of decadent luxury seem somehow obscene.
Let's look at the word want. In one sense it means a desire to have something. In another sense it means that one is lacking something. It can also mean that one is short of something essential, such as food for example. It is a word very misused by the comfortable to express greed. Horrible. It is the world's poor who are the ones who really want. They want things like food, shelter, security, the right to live in safety, and the right to live without fear of persecution. That is real want.

This morning

The day started off very gloomy, and the sky is still mushroom-coloured and gloomy. My fags and coffee were gloomy too, as I continued to mull over the contents of my diagnosis report. It's not upsetting me anymore, now that I've had a chance for everything to start sinking in, but it's still constantly on my mind. Having that diagnosis was one of the best, and most important decisions I've ever made. In my case I know it's going to be life-changing.

Sleep

It had started raining during the evening, and was still raining when I turned in. I turned over a few times during the night and could hear that it was still raining. Apart from that I don't remember waking up before a quarter to seven when I got up. I must have slept soundly because my bed was in one piece when I woke up. I still feel tired though.

Yesterday

I felt ridiculously tired all day and felt more and more tired as the day wore on. I started off by making another one of my lentil-based curries. I felt strange just after I got it started. I had a dull headache and noticed I couldn't see clearly. When I lay down on the sofa and closed my eyes, I could see jagged arcs of concentric 'neon lights' of several colours. Of course I did feel a bit worried at the time, but it passed after about half an hour or so. I didn't really get rid of the headache though.
Afterwards I put on some more Laurel & Hardy films but couldn't concentrate on them. Then I picked up a volume of the Walford books about London and looked at the pictures. At tem past eight I could hear a car engine running opposite my flat. Twenty-five minutes later it was still running and by this time I was feeling intensely uncomfortable, so I shut the window. I couldn't read anymore. I was much too upset, so I went to bed instead.

The rest of today

The library morons are driving me mad. What a complete bunch of imbeciles. I'll be off home shortly and will stay there until tomorrow. I want to make another one of my nice curries, if I can stay awake long enough.

Food for thought

Yes. It does all seem just a tad selective nowadays.

Just now

The appointment went very well, although I'm feeling completely exhausted. I've got to the point where my eyes are burning from the inside. Shortly I'll take myself home via the supermarket. I really want to get some sleep, but I don't expect I'll be able to. That report is still overwhelming me and bombarding me with thoughts. Now the library is full of the hideous babbler community. And the very same culprits. Noisy cunts.

In the meanwhile

I've just been on my errand to the parish door. I  felt a mixture of fear and embarrassment but it all went fine. On the way back I called in at the Asian shop to get a couple of bits I'd run out of. That was two birds with one stone, but I did a lot of walking carrying quite a bit of weight. Now I'm back at the library, after which I've got my every-other-Thursday appointment.

Elegant intercourse

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I've got the earplugs in, but I can hear a conversation on the following lines:

"I said...so 'e said.... So I turns round and goes....and 'e went.....'

Is that really conversation? Nope. They're talking shite.

Could do better?

I've just been outside for a fag and carried on 'chewing the cud' as it were. The mental health people warned me it would take me a while to process the contents of my report, and again they are probably right. I will try and be as precise as possible, but the general cacophony has been augmented by the sound of a baby's crying. Very distracting.
I am struck by the psychologist's observations on my behavior during the interview. He noticed things I wasn't even aware of, and still can't remember doing. He commented on how I reacted to ambient noises. He stated that I made fists when describing how I am affected by a gloomy sky. He also stated that I started to cry when I talked in detail about what I experienced in my last job.
He also commented on my high intelligence and high intellect. Of course I've always known I've had these, but I've very often had people around me saying I am stupid or mad. It's hard to believe in oneself when everything one hears is negative. I'm starting to take ownership of my own abilities, so that I feel they are really mine and not just warped, strange ideas in my own head. The psychologist noted that I'd used these to deal 'to an extent' with all the difficulties I've had to face.
He discussed how I might behave in a number of real-life situations, and his speculations were totally accurate.
He went on to say it is 'crucial' that any psychological help I receive should be delivered by someone with a knowledge of autism.
Thank you, thank you!!!! At last someone has listened to me. Yes, listened. And the person who did the listening understood what he had heard. Being overlooked, ignored and misunderstood are recurrent themes in the story of my life.
Am I the failure I have gone through life thinking that I am? Well if you look at my lack of career, my general state of distress and my financial situation, you might well describe me as a failure. However if you were to look at the things I've had to cope with and to overcome, I have done remarkably well.

This morning

I'm not myself today, and feeling very tired and overwhelmed. After the fags and coffee I had a small nosebleed as I left the flat. When I got to the library I sent my brother a message, asking if I can visit after Christmas. It pisses me off though. They both drive and I don't. However.
Shortly I've got an errand to run, and that'll get me away from all the gabbing in the library for a few minutes.

Sleep

I had a very bumpy night and seemed to wake up every few minutes. I remember strange bits of dreams set in the countryside around where I grew up, and involving go-carts. I woke up at ten past four with a pounding headache and 'ruminating', and lay there until half past seven.

Last night

I made a good dinner but didn't enjoy it. I was too busy thinking and thinking, or ruminating as the psychologist called it. I suppose that gives me something in common with cattle, but not with sheep.
I had Laurel and Hardy films on all evening but didn't really take much notice of them.
I read my diagnosis report over and over again. The day-to-day and biographical things were sometimes not quite right but that is to be expected, given the number of things the psychologist had to note in such a short time. However his observations and conclusions were totally correct, and he has made some very pertinent and helpful recommendations. It was quite a tearful night. Seeing a complete description of my inner world was quite overwhelming. There was a great feeling of relief too that I had finally received the report, and that the man understood me. Bed at a quarter to eleven.

The rest of today

I've had enough of the library. The truth is I've got that report on the brain and can't settle down. It's off to the foreign supermarket now and then home. What a relief. I did thank the social services lady. The report came the day after she visited me, and I can't believe that's just coincidence.

Since this morning

I got the bus home and arrived in plenty of time for a wash and brush-up, and to get my keyboard moved. I couldn't face another trip back for the stand and easel thing, so decided I'd go and collect them after the hospital appointment.
The neurologist thing went very well. He's doubled the dose of tablets I need to take, because of the fits I had after I last saw him. What went well was that he listened and he understood. He asked me how I have been so I told him.
When I went home for my musical bits I saw that my diagnosis report had arrived. I felt quite overwhelmed when I read it. It describes exactly how I have experienced life, and reading it brought back one horror after another. The psychologist got the gender of my one long-term relationship wrong but that's a minor matter. Everything else he said was correct on every point. I can't remember what it said in detail and will read it again when I get back home. I'll get a bottle of wine to help me withstand the shock.
I only played for a couple of hours today. It was quiet again, and the sound of constant blathering started to do my head in.

Now

It's time to start making my way home. I've got a busy day. When I get back I need to wash and change my clothes. Then it's two trips to the historic building with my keyboard and stuff. Then it's up to the hospital to see the neurologist. Then I'm playing until teatime. It's all so much better than being inactive.

Thoughts...

I woke up to a beautiful, bright, crisp and cold morning. While I was outside smoking I got thinking about the things I do in the way of music. My pianoforte technique is not what it was, but is adequate for what I need to do. My harpsichord technique is at least as good as it ever was, and continues to get better. Then I remembered the terrible twelve years I was in my last job. I didn't play at all while I was in that job. I was too psychologically distressed to even think about playing. I am pleased that I have finally got my playing back. I didn't think I ever would.

Last night

I made dinner at my friend's and thoroughly enjoyed what I'd cooked, for a change. I could say that I didn't touch a drop all night, but then I'd be lying. After dinner we watched Fawlty Towers, the episode with the ferocious deaf woman played by Joan Sanderson. I can't remember what time I turned in but was out like a light. I slept soundly until about half past seven.

Yesterday evening

I got to the town where I was playing about an hour and a half too early, so I went for a wander. The first point of call was the harbour. All the ships' riggings were decorated with flashing, coloured lights, and it all looked quite bizarre. Then I needed something to eat, so I ate something that passes in this area for haute cuisine, namely battered sausage and chips. That was such a treat!

Now

Every week a lady comes into the library and reads stories to adults with learning difficulties. She stops at various points and asks the people to talk about similar things in their own lives. I always enjoy hearing this group. It's such a lovely thing to do.
In the meanwhile I'm starting to get a bit bored and restless. I daresay I'll be off down the High Street in a minute or two.

Being busy

I've got a lovely night ahead of me at my best friend's. I'm going to be 'it' this time and inflict one of my curries on the poor sods. Actually my friend says he enjoys my curries, and the speed with which it disappears does seem to bear that out.
Tomorrow morning I need to move my keyboard to the historic building and then go straight on to the neurologist about the fits. Afterwards I'm playing until teatime. Apart from that it's a quiet day.
I had some welcome news today when my Thursday appointment contacted me to cancel. I need a bit of breathing space, what with everything that's going on at the moment.

Since last night

I slept soundly and woke up with a start around five o'clock. I felt tired and really didn't want to wake up that early. However it was straight into the front room for fags and coffee. I pondered my two morning appointments, bucked my ideas up and left at twenty past eight for the first one with the counsellor.
That was hard work, as I'd been bottling everything up since I last saw her. While I was there I realised that all I really need is someone to talk to. That someone must be a person to whom I have no personal attachment, so I can say exactly what I want. I can't talk like that to people I care about, and won't usually discuss any such feelings until after the event.
Then the lady from social services came so see me, but later than expected. She did turn up though, and I'm glad she did. I have asked my doctor to refer me to the mental health team, but he refused. The social services are going to contact him to get him to do that. The lady is also going to contact the psychologist who diagnosed me, to make sure the written diagnosis is sent to both my doctor and to myself. Without that piece of paper I am unable to access the support offered by autism charities.
It has become evident to me that some doctors do not understand autism and the issues it presents to adults. It's the same thing with the population at large, but we can't reasonably expect most people to have that sort of understanding. I have been told on occasion that there is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with me to my own way of thinking, but I am definitely disadvantaged when it comes to coping with people in general and with life. People would not make such unthinking statements if they really understood what I have had to do to myself just to survive. I am disappointed that even my own doctor just doesn't seem to get it.

Last night

The party went stunningly well, and both the people who attended it and the hall's proprietor were delighted. I had a nice dinner after I'd finished playing. I have also accepted the position of resident pianist at the establishment. The proprietor remarked on how well I had interacted with people and got them involved. That was a piece of cake, as it was the 'piano player' rather than the person that did all the interaction. I got home at about half past ten and enjoyed a cider while watching Stan and Ollie in Below Zero. Went to bed feeling satisfied with myself for a change at just after eleven.

The rest of today

Having been invaded by smackheads and the dregs of the local community, the library is no longer the quiet place it was half an hour ago. So that's that. Orf I go.

In the meanwhile

I collected my keyboard and went home. As usual I couldn't settle down, so I dressed for tonight and brought myself back to the library. It's getting quite dark now, and the temperature has started to drop. That's what changed my mind about going for a walk round the town I'm playing at.

Now

It's about time I made a move and got my bits and pieces done. I'll do something unusual and spend a bit of the day at home. After that I'll take myself to the town where I'm playing and have a look around. It'll make a bit of a change.

The weather

It's a beautiful day today; hazy blue skies, sunshine and very mild. Just now I went out for a fag without a jacket on, and it actually felt quite warm. When I think about it I felt quite hot during the night, but put that down to the cider.

Archaeological stuff

Before dinner o Saturday, I got round to doing something I'd been wanting to do for weeks. I decided to carry out an excavation of my freezer. I went down through the layers, discarding anything that looked even slightly suspect. I found items that had both I and time had forgotten. Out they went. I did find a few useful things though. Now there is some room in my freezer at last !

Today

Coffee and fags were very slow this morning. I got up at half past eight, completely under the effects of last night's cider. Last night I had the foresight to defrost some bacon from the freezer. I was glad of that this morning, and treated myself to a toasted bacon sandwich. That has certainly set me up for the day.
This afternoon I shall need to go and collect my keyboard from the pub, but before that I need to pop into the bank.
Then I'll need to get myself togged up, as tonight I'm playing for some ladies' christmas do in the next town. I'm certainly starting to feel in demand lately! It's such a nice thing for me that people like my music.

Thoughts

There is nothing to add.

Yesterday

The historic building was dire. We only had seven visitors so decided to close an hour early. I went home and lay o the sofa, but didn't manage to sleep. Then it was dinner and on to the pub.
I had a good night, but got very drunk. I've stopped beating myself up about it. Everyone else was just as drunk as I was. I played a mixture of old-time songs and classical. People came in because they had heard me playing, and everyone wanted to be my friend. That was very tiring. One woman sang some Piaf songs in French while I played them. It turned out that the woman is the proprietor of a cocktail bar, and she asked me to do some harpsichording there on Friday evening. She hasn't yet made the contact we'd agreed on, so I'm hoping it won't go ahead. I'd love to do it, but the location of the venue would be very embarrassing for me. Shame. I could really do with the dosh. I got home just after midnight and flopped straight into bed.

The rest of Saturday

When I got home I saw the people from the tenants' association. They said they'd had a word or two with my noisy neighbour. The good news is that I hadn't been hearing 'that' man. He's inside and the authorities are looking to increase the length of time he remains a guest of Her Majesty. The people told me what he'd done, and he is every bit as dangerous as I had suspected. I'm glad to say it has been quiet all weekend.
After an easy meal I watched Hue And Cry, a delightful Ealing comedy, and finished the evening with some Laurel and Hardy shorts; Busybodies and Dirty Work. I forget what time I turned in.

The rest of today

Supermarket then home. What's in store? Who knows?

In the meanwhile

We had quite a few visitors at the historic building but I had a mediocre day. The nice comments in the visitors' book didn't translate into tips. I was asked if I'd move downstairs and duly complied. When I found out I'd be competing with incessant talking I changed my mind. I'm now back upstairs again but in a different room.

The weather

It got very windy last night and has continued even windier this morning. We have dark grey skies instead of the blue ones we had yesterday. It's milder today except when the wind blows. So I've got the winter overcoat on today. It's very warm, even in arctic conditions. So orf I go. Time to play now.

A busy week

I'd better pace myself, although what I really need is a bit of peace and quiet, and to be allowed to sleep at night. I'm playing all afternoon tomorrow, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Then there's the pub this Sunday night and next Sunday night. And there's the Christmas do on Monday night. On top of that I have two appointments on Tuesday morning, one on Wednesday and one on Thursday. Phew. It's going to be quite a week.

This morning

Fags and coffee were slow today. I got up with a headache and feeling a bit dazed. The feeling is still here, but the headache has eased off now. I enjoyed the sound of that fucking kid running around first thing. No sign of the mother though. I expect she's having a nice lie-in. I'm getting really fed up and upset about the number of times I go to play feeling like shit.

Sleep

I put on the orchestral version of Haydn's Seven Last Words when I went to bed. When I have music at bedtime, I play it at very low volume, in fact it's only just audible.
I was just settling down when I was distracted by some low-level but very intrusive bass from upstairs. Off went my cd. I fell asleep but was woken up at a quarter to midnight by the kids upstairs. They were running around, laughing, talking loudly, and banging things around. I took myself into the front room, my head pounding. I thought of rolling a fag but decided I didn't really fancy one. At ten past twelve the woman upstairs intervened and put them to bed. I went back to bed and tried to sleep with the sound of that woman bumping around. It sounded like something heavy being dragged around and dropped.
I slept very badly, waking up several times and staying awake. I woke up at around half past seven, but it took me nearly an hour to get out of bed.

Last night

It stayed quiet most of the night. There were a few shouts and quite a lot of rumbles, but it was very much better than it has been. I spent most of the evening cooking. After the boiled bacon I made a huge vat of soup for the freezer. Meanwhile I watched some more of the Sherlock Holmes things before turning in at ten.

The rest of today

Earlier on I forgot to mention that I saw the tenants' association people in the library. Rather they saw me and called me over. Apparently they have various other issues with my upstairs neighbours, and say they are going to evict them. What a shame. I really didn't want that, and it wouldn't have happened if they had behaved decently.
I'm hoping that my diagnosis letter will be waiting for me when I get home. If it isn't I know I'll receive it very soon. Dinner will be simple, but will take a while to cook. I want to watch some films later if circumstances permit.

Just now

I had a mediocre session at the historic building, but it wasn't a complete waste of time. Besides I really enjoy playing there. I'm hoping it will be busier over the weekend. The weather has continued bright and cold, but much warmer in the sunshine than in the shades. Now I'm back at the library being pestered by some very loud nomads, who are behaving like a bunch of cunts. It's time to leave.

Later on

I'm back at the historic building today, where I will be playing from lunchtime to teatime. It's a beautiful, cold, crisp, bright, sunny day. I hope that will bring us plenty of visitors, especially the sort of visitors I like.

This morning

I still felt a bit nervy when I got up, but that eased off with the fags and coffee. After a much-needed bath I brought myself to the library, where I saw an email from the clinic. It said that they were writing the same day to my doctor, to tell him about my ASD diagnosis. That's a result. I'm glad I chased things yesterday.

Profound thoughts

 

This is straight out of the Bronze Age. How anyone can take seriously a book which contains such teachings as this, is beyond comprehension.

Sleep

I turned in listening to some more of Boccherini's string quintets op29. They are delightful. I was wide awake and full of memories of dreams at just after midnight, but soon got back to sleep. I don't remember waking up again before I got up at six. I don't remember anymore what I was dreaming about, except that it involved trains.

Last night

I enjoyed my dinner and sat down to another of the Sherlock Holmes dramatisations. It was lovely and quiet all evening. In fact it was spookily quiet. I could hear that the people were in, but they behaved decently for a change. I felt nervous. It didn't feel right, and I expected things to kick off any minute. Bed at nine.

The rest of today

Ages ago I lent some of my favourite dvds to some friends of mine. They now say they haven't got them. It's so disappointing. I know there is nothing untoward, but when I lend something to someone, I would like it back at some point.
My good news is that the social services are going to see me later on Tuesday.
I don't know what tonight has in store for me. Gulp.

In the meanwhile

I've just been to workhouse no2 so that's out of the way. I'm feeling like shit so told the man chapter and verse. Poor him. While I was there the person from social services tried to contact me. She wants to see me on Tuesday, which will be great, but the appointment she's offered me clashes with my first counselling session. With a bit of luck she'll be able to see me a little bit later.
Today's news is very worrying indeed. We have now started bombing another country, and that is going to cause untold suffering to the civilian population. The people are not a problem. Their religion is the problem. It is religious beliefs that have brainwashed a large number of people into becoming extremists. That religion is completely intolerant, even in its 'moderate' forms. I fear that it will be impossible to educate those people out of those beliefs, since those very beliefs will condition how that education is received.
And while we are on the subject, the religion of the Western world also produces extremists. We have the 'pro-life' fanatics across the water, and other secret organisations whose views are based on religious beliefs, and who murder.
Religion's apologists will bleat on about how these people have taken things out of context, or that they have misunderstood. Rubbish. I bet these individuals would have no difficulty whatsoever in producing the exact scriptural passages that 'justify' their behaviour. In the past I have been asked to 'Think of all the good things that religion has done'. That is the exactly the same argument as 'Think of all the autobahns that Hitler built'. It doesn't stand up to scrutiny.

Waiting

I've been thinking, and decided it was time to remind people I am still around. I've contacted social services to tell them I'm still waiting to hear from the person they referred me to nearly a month ago. I also contacted the clinic to ask them when my doctor is to be told about my ASD diagnosis. I don't like having unfinished business. It's always on my mind, and I already have enough to think about in the first place.

This morning

I really want to stay in bed today but I can't. I've got things that must be done. When you're single you can't stay in bed. There's no chance of that without leaving things undone.
I started with a bowl of cereal before going on to the fags and coffee. Headache and aching joints from all last night's noise. When I got to the library I found an email from the tenants' association saying they have acted on what I told them. I don't wish any harm on the people upstairs. I just want to be treated properly and left in peace.

Sleep

I turned in listening to some Boccherini string quintets. Sleep was uncomfortable and restless. I dreamed about people I don't want to see. I woke up just before six but couldn't find the energy to get out of bed until half past eight.

Last night

It was another bad one. Dinner was nice though. I had a couple of panic attacks and took myself outside. Went to bed at ten feeling like shit.

A question

Why am I an atheist?

Later on

I'm going to the foreign supermarket and then straight home. I'm dreading those people upstairs. I forgot to mention earlier that I have told the tenants' association about last night's episode. I have also told them that I don't feel comfortable about talking to those neighbours about anything. What I really hope for is a peaceful evening and night, but it's a waste of time building my hopes up. The cunts.

In general

My life seems to be an endless round of appointments and engagements. I've got something on every day until Monday week. The Christmas party thing is on Monday. I'm doing that one for nothing, but I've got a definite two and a possibly three paid gigs out of it.
My good news today is that my counselling sessions are re-starting on Tuesday, and with the same lady I had before.

Earlier on

I felt exactly the same as I did last night, and angry and upset besides. Horrible. Coffee and fags were a formality. I had to go to the doctors this morning. That turned into a two hour saga, when I take the subsequent workhouse visit into account. That was fine.
The historic building went quite well. We didn't have many visitors, but the ones who came in were a cultured lot. First of all two Latvian women came in who couldn't speak much English. Would you believe we managed to converse in (very) broken Russian combined with some wild gesticulation! I managed to sell a few cds which was a good result.

Sleep

I felt very stressed and sore when I went to bed. I couldn't settle down so after some time I got up and put on a cd of some cello sonatas by Boccherini. I heard them all and fell asleep some time afterwards. The next thing I was wide awake and thinking of making some toast. When I checked the time it was one o'clock. Some time later I fell asleep again before waking up again at a quarter to four. I remember the dream. It was all in the area where I live, but the places looked completely different to in real life. I was walking up the hill to a pub where I was to play. On the way I met some strangers and walked with them back to where I had started from. Then I took a coastal path back towards where I wanted to get to, but got lost on the way. Some time later I fell asleep again before waking up when the alarm rang at seven.

Yesterday

On the way home from the supermarket, the person I went to dinner asked me round for a cuppa, so I went. Then it was home for a lie-down. I didn't fancy eating so  I managed to finish the Tim Hitchcock book, still feeling quite odd.
At twenty past seven the loud music started, and it was loud. I got up, got dressed and went outside to get away from it. So did my next-door neighbour. I saw her downstairs. The music stopped at nine. The children ran round completely out of control, screaming and shouting until twenty to ten. I sat up until eleven feeling very stressed, and my arms and face feeling quite painful.

The rest of today

I'm going to the supermarket, and afterwards I'm going to have the lie-down I'd promised myself earlier. I won't want much for dinner. Afterwards I expect I'll probably watch some dvds.

In the meanwhile

I went for the traditional Christmas dinner in one of the local pubs. The landlord had apparently offered the free meals to a nearby old people's home, where my acquaintance lives. So I tucked into a lovely dinner in the company of thirty or so old 'uns. That was fine, as I didn't particularly need to talk. I had been worried about who else would be there, but there was nothing to worry about. That was a nice surprise, even though I'm not quite myself.

Unexpected

Someone I know socially has just contacted me to offer me a free roast dinner. I feel like I've been through a mangle, but that's an offer I simply can't refuse. Apparently a local charity have cancelled an event at too late notice, in fact too late to prevent the meal from being cooked, so we'll go there to stop the food from going to waste. I'm a bit worried about how many people might be there, and whether any cunts will be in attendance.

Moods

I think that all the waiting is starting to wear me down. After a two year wait for my diagnosis, the diagnosis letter still hasn't been sent to my doctor. This is now over a month since I was diagnosed. There is support available to me, but I can't access it until the letter has been received. It seems to be dragging on for ever and ever.

This morning

I was not myself when I got up. I was just starting my first cup of coffee when I had a nosebleed. Then all the things I'd eaten over the past fortnight to help my tummy all decided to work at once. So I'm feeling a bit washed-up today. I need to lie down so I expect I'll go home soon.

Sleep

I listened to the Boccherini symphonies again when I went to bed, and was still awake when the cd finished. I eventually fell asleep and dreamed a lot. I don't remember much, except that one of my dreams was in Spanish. I only remember waking up once during the night, and got up at half past seven.

Last night

After an unremarkable dinner I spent the evening watching more of the Sherlock Holmes things. There were a few bumps and bangs early in the evening, but it was otherwise nice and quiet. I turned in exhausted at twenty past ten.

Again...

I went and got some shopping before moving the keyboard. No sooner had I got home that I realized I'd forgotten to go to the post office. The letter is important and has to be posted today. My heart sank as I sorted out the food I'd bought, and sank even further when there were some almighty bangs on my ceiling. So much for having a rest! I was straight out again into the very windy, damp and dark evening, and up to the post office. I feel better now that's out of the way. I would have spent all night worrying about it otherwise. I thought I'd give upstairs a chance to quieten down so I came back to the library. Upstairs have been exceptionally quiet all weekend. I do hope it stays like that.

The rest of today

I'm reaching the point where my headache is becoming unbearable, so I'd better go and get my keyboard sorted out and then lie down. I don't know if I'll do anything else. I can't think.

Now

I'm finding it all very trying. It's all loud voices. Nomadic in the computer suite and English outside. Perhaps I am being old-fashioned in believing that libraries should be quiet places. But then that's only a belief, therefore probably doesn't stand up to scrutiny. I'm getting quite a headache.

This afternoon

I'm not doing very well with the noise today, Everything seems even louder than usual, and is quite deafening at times, even with the earplugs in.
I've only got two ordeals this afternoon. First I have to go to the post office for a stamp. It's not my favourite place I can tell you. After that there will be two trips to the pub to take my keyboard and stand home. I'll feel better once it's done.

Just now

I've just been on a wild goose chase. The bus ride up to the supermarket was noisy, and the journey was of epic proportions. Apart from a bit of traffic along the way, I can't understand why it took so long. I am grateful for my bus pass though. After all it wasn't long ago that I would have had to walk there. I didn't find what I wanted at the supermarket so I bought some spuds instead, so that the journey wouldn't have been a complete waste of time. I then took the bus back and went on to the Asian supermarket. I got what I wanted there, but at double the price I would have paid in London. No matter. At least I got what I need.
It was very wet outside and the wind has picked up too. I looked at the sea from the library window, and saw how rough it was cutting up.

Shortly

I've just noticed that the 'hits' on my blog have just exceeded 40,000. Wow, that's quite a lot in just under two years.
And now to minor matters. I've finally bucked my ideas up, and am just about to set off for the shopping precinct. At least it'll soon be over and done with, and I'll have the wherewithals to make a decent meal.

Pearls of wisdom

Yes. This is how they did it in the Bronze Age.

This morning

The weather has been quite nasty since Saturday afternoon, very overcast with episodes of rain and gusty winds. The quality of daylight is atrocious this morning, and there has been intermittent rain.
After the fags and coffee I went to another 'initial' assessment for more counselling. My mood has deteriorated since the last sessions finished, and they will try and sort me out quickly. Later on I'm determined to go to the big supermarket in the shopping precinct. I have run out of some Indian stuff, and it's stupidly dear in the place round the corner. In the meanwhile here I am at the library as usual.

Sleep

I forgot to mention that my nephew called me while I was getting ready for the pub. I had a lovely natter with both him and his girlfriend. It always makes me feel nice when we speak.
I turned in to some symphonies by Boccherini. Lovely. I am always impressed by his use of texture and motif rather than melody. I was asleep in a very short time. I don't remember waking up during the night but my bed was in quite a state when I came round at six. I'm still feeling very tired.

Yesterday

I didn't enjoy yesterday. Having woken up at 4am, having fags and coffee and then trying to sleep again, I was worn out by the time I went to the historic building. That was quite soul-destroying in terms of the visitors who came in. Afterwards I went back to bed and still didn't manage to sleep, so I was just as tired when I went to the pub. There were different staff on duty and all the people were unknown to me. They asked me to play classical, so it was mostly Mozart and a bit of Beethoven. That went down quite well. I nattered very briefly with a couple and was back home by ten. When I got in I had a bit of supper and watched some Laurel and Hardy films.

The rest of today

I had originally planned to go to the big supermarket in the shopping precinct, but the weather has made me change my mind. Instead I'll get a couple of bits from the local supermarket and then take myself straight home. I'm going to make another one of my nice curries, and settle down to some dvds afterwards. Ain't I exciting!

The weather

The beautiful weather we had this morning was not to last. It has got colder and colder and darker and darker all afternoon. Some evil weather is apparently due to reach us very shortly, which is expected to be with us all day tomorrow. Moving my keyboard from place to place isn't going to be a bed of roses.

In the meanwhile

The first day of our Christmas event went very well indeed. The other staff wore period costume. I didn't, because I'd look ridiculous playing an electronic keyboard. We had lots of visitors and I had some good cd sales. If the rest of the event goes this well I shall be very pleased.