This afternoon

I intend to have another easy day, as I'm still feeling tired. I'll cook a nice easy meal and then go to the pub.

At the pub

When I got to the pub, a lady was there who I like to play scrabble with. The man who can't stop talking was there too. He was louder than normal and speaking quite incessantly. I kept having mental blocks where my thoughts were getting drowned out. Luckily he didn't stay too long, so the lady and I had our game of scrabble in peace.

Sleep

I slept badly again last night. I was disturbed by vivid dreams and a certain amount of extended wakefulness. I got up this morning feeling quite shattered. It's a bummer.

A musical soirée

I played on and off all night at the pub, and didn't stop until just after midnight. We had a few good songs, and I played some lesser-known music-hall songs, that people are starting to enjoy. Lovely.

Yesterday

My friend from uni came round and we had a bit of dinner. I made a cocido-type effort out of pork belly and chickpeas. After dinner we went to the pub. He went off to see his brother in a show, and I stayed in the pub. I was with close friends and family all evening and it was really enjoyable. Later on various others of my family came to the pub. It was a lovely evening. My friend dossed at mine last night and went home this morning.

Shortly

I'm about to toddle back home via the seafront, enjoying a couple of smokes along the way. Then it'll be cooking and housework time. I'll enjoy the cooking.

Now

I'll try and describe how I feel. I'm feeling calm, relieved, happy, yet with an undercurrent of tension. My eyes are sore and I feel physically tired. I long for the day when I get up feeling completely rested.

The weather

It's a nice, bright afternoon with plenty of sunshine, but a coolish breeze. My friend from Uni is coming round this evening, so we can have a bite to eat. I'm looking forward to it.

Sleep

My sleep was odd again yesterday. I dreamed about a Tigon, but in my dream it was a tiny, vicious-looking thing. I watched it kill a cat. That part of the dream took place in my friend from uni's dad's garden. In the same dream I was living in the bedsit I lived in about thirty years ago, and lent the neighbours some keys that belonged to my brother, and the keys got lost. After I opened my eyes this morning, it took me two hours or so to feel calm enough to get up.

More about Aspergers

I find it very difficult to accept a compliment. When people talk to me about my playing, I can't even look at them. I feel so nervous. I feel like I am a bystander, listening to the person talking about someone else. I sometimes think of myself in the third person, when I am trying to be objective about my life.

Another musical interlude

I ran through some music-hall songs on the pub piano while it was quiet. Some people who were sitting outside told me how much they had enjoyed it.Another (unknown) customer asked me to play some more, and bought me a pint. Then we had a singalong when some regulars come in. I am still amazed that people continue to like those old songs. People say such kind things about my playing.

Yesterday

I went to the pub after dinner. It was odd for quite a lot of the evening, because I didn't recognise any of the customers. Some friends and people I know came in later. It was a nice evening.

Yet another musical interlude

I really enjoyed being at the pub piano again. I like its brash sound and complete out-of-tune-ness. I am surprised that people enjoy the classical pieces I play on it, as they do sound odd.

Another musical interlude

My little excursion into rap music seems to have been very popular with the customers. I really don't enjoy that sort of music at all, but it was great fun to muck in.

This afternoon

When I got home I had a sandwich and lay down in bed. I couldn't setttle down so got up about half an hour later and played mah jong on the computer. What a merry life I lead!

This afternoon

I plan on having a restful day. The truth is that I am quite exhausted, more mentally than physically, and I will need to have a nap soon.

Friends

Yesterday evening was so lovely. I spent the entire time with people that I wanted to be with. Some of the people were regulars, some others come only occasionally, but it is always lovely to see them and we look out for each other.

Now

I have the feeling that a huge weight is gone from my shoulders, and that everything has fallen into place. It is a wonderful feeling, and a peaceful place to be in.

The weather

After an unpromising start it has started to get much warmer. The sun even threatens to put in an appearance.

A musical interlude

Yesterday I played Happy Birthday, etc, for a customer at the pub. Later on a crowd of undergraduates came in for a drink, and they were up for a really lively sing-song. Would you believe that a rapper asked me to accompany him, so I did. God knows what it sounded like, but it went down well. He's asked me to play some more stuff with him.

This morning

I woke up feeling very cheerful. For once I don't remember waking up during the night, but I feel quite drowsy. After cereal, coffee and fags, I went to collect my medicine. Then I popped in to see a friend at the shop where he works, before coming to the library.

Last night

I went to the pub at about 7pm and met up with close friends. I had a thoroughly enjoyable time, so I will go back tonight. There was music, and I will write about that later.

Manners

Why do people insist on making phone calls and being generally noisy in libraries? Isn't it inconsiderate and rude?

This morning

My usual morning ritual consists of making exactly two mugs of coffee in the cafetiere, before rolling some fags. I don't usually smoke until I've had some coffee. This morning, unusually, I started the day with a bowl of muesli and thoroughly enjoyed it. I think I'll carry on doing that, unless I get bored with it.

Memories

I really hate it when people are rude and insulting to call centre staff. It reminds me of my last job, where I endured that sort of treatment for nearly twelve years.

Annoying

A woman has just sat next to me in the library and has already interrupted me three times with her loud voice. First, please mind my coat. Second, she asked me the date. Now she's arguing with someone on the phone. It's ok, I won't slap her.

My recent visitor

My friend in Germany is just as 'eccentric' as I am. We had such a laugh while he was here, and I'm already missing him. I am convinced that we are wired up the same way. I'm really glad to know him.

Sleep; a thought

My mind is always very active, and has been particularly so lately. I think that's why I've been spending so much time in bed. I'm wearing myself out with thoughts, but there's no way to switch it off. I'll just have to wait for it to pass, as usual.

The weather

The weather has been quite miserable for the past couple of days. Yesterday it rained persistantly for most of the day and gight. Today it's chilly and dark, but hasn't rained. It's not the wet or the cold that bother me, but the horrible darkness. I find it so oppressive.

Sleep

Sleep has been odd for a while. I am in bed for about twelve hours every night, but don't know how much of it I'm asleep for. Last night, for example, I remember being awake for a few extended periods. Sometimes I dream lucidly, and other times I'm not sure if I was asleep or not. The dreams are quite ridiculous. Last night I remember dreaming about the village where I was christened, jelly babies, liquorice allsorts, trigonometry, and people. I can't remember who the people were but I suppose I must have known them. The trigonometry bit was strange. I got distressed because no-one had the four-figure tables that we used at school, so I tried to work the problem out in my head. When I woke up, I remembered how I used to spend ages reading the book of four-figure tables, to try and work out the patterns in the numbers. I feel a bit tired today.

Yesterday evening

I had a simple roast for dinner, and then watched a few more history documentaries and the end of Wuthering Heights. I enjoyed it very much.

Today

The weather is quite dreary today. It's all drizzly and overcast. I'm planning a simple but nice meal for this evening, before watching some more of my old films. I had forgotten how much I enjoy them.

Bulletin

I wish to announce the happy augmentation of my family by the safe delivery of two adults and their four children, aged between six and nineteen years of age. Welcome aboard guys!!!

A lovely mealtime

After I'd finished the keyboard lesson, I had dinner with my friends as usual. It was a lovely meal with good company, as usual. I look forward to Mondays.

Yesterday

I saw my friend off yesterday morning, and noticed all the commotion in the old town. A market was set up along the seafront, and the place was heaving with the crowds who had come to watch the motorbike rally. I don't like them because of the noise they make. They freak me out. I don't like crowds either, but of course it's marvellous for our town's economy. I stayed indoors for most of the day, except for when I went to give a keyboard lesson. Last night I watched a few history documentaries, and most of the 1939 version of Wuthering Heights, staring Laurence Olivier. I did enjoy the evening.

My visitor

My German friend was at the pub when I arrived, and I spent the evening sitting outside with him, looking at the water. We had a good laugh. We always have a good laugh! He stopped over at mine afterwards and made his way home the next morning, so that he could pack his things. Now he is on his way back to Germany, an event that neither of us was looking forward to. He will be coming for another short stay in about four weeks, and this time he will stay at mine.

Sunday

I had a very easy day, mostly playing Mah Jong and Harpsichord music. I made a curry with some of my home-made Paneer, and then went to the pub with friends. It was a lovely evening.

Saturday afternoon

The weather was fine the last time I wrote. I took advantage of it and walked to the German supermarket. The weather deteriorated while I was shopping, and I got soaked on the way home. Never mind. I had chilli con carne for dinner and jelly babies for afters. I watched a marvellous Ealing drama from 1852 called Pool of London, starring Bonar Colleano, Susan Shaw, Moira Lister, Joan Dowling and Alfie Bass. It is memorable for the footage of Greenwich as I remember it, and the bomb sites in the City and around the docks. I enjoyed the evening.

Bartok: Music for Strings, Percussion and Celesta

Another of my all-time favourites. Nothing like a nice bit of expressionism to liven up the day. I remember describing this piece, during a very heavily 19th-century style musicological discussion, an the greatest piece written in the 20-th century. It doesn't actually matter whether it is or it isn't. Just enjoy it.

Beethoven Choral Fantasia op80

One of my favourite pieces of all. It is thought to be the prototype for the finale of the Choral Symphony, and the thematic material and textual content of the choral variations are very similar to it. The text asserts Beethoven's belief in man, and the music is both exuberant and heart-warming.

Sleep

I've slept excessively for the past few days, and today I'm starting to feel the benefit. After I've been shopping I'll spend the afternoon playing Harpsichord music.

The weather

It's not a bad day today, a bit sunny with a blustery breeze. I won't make it to the landlord's (again), so I'll pop into the German supermarket instead.

More about Aspergers

I'm well-read, but my reading habits are odd. I've never got the hang of fiction. I don't understand it so tend to ignore it. I've always stuck to textbooks, encyclopaedias and the like. I'm much more comfortable looking at facts.

Thinking

I'm thinking about my friends, who are the best in the world. They are a source of great joy to me. There is plenty I could write on this subject, but, unusually, words fail me.

An old saying

Ignorance is bliss.

A visit

This lunchtime I had a call from my friend in London. We had a good natter, and she's coming down to see me on Saturday.

Last night

I had a nice easy evening. Dinner was a frozen pizza and a tub of coleslaw, and I had jelly babies for afters. I watched one of my favourite films: This Happy Breed based on a Noel Coward play, acted by Robert Newton, Celia Johnson, Stanley Holloway and John Mills. It was a lovely evening.

Yesterday afternoon

My German friend and I started off with a nice glass of wine at the pub, before getting the bus to the local carvery. We had a lovely meal. It was such a nice change to eat out, and in company.

Erwartung

Du unartiger Freund Gestern Abend habe Ich auf Dich eine Stunde gewartet! Du kamst doch nicht! Ich habe einigen Freunde gebitten, Dir Meine Addresse zu geben. Bitte versuch Mir bevor Du nach Deutschland zurückfliegst.

Today

I should have gone to pay my rent yesterday but didn't feel like it. I don't feel like it today either, so I must go in the morning.

Friends

I am lucky to have the close friends that I do. I hope they'll never find themselves in the situation in which I find myself, but I will be there for them too.

People

People are all different. Some people say what they mean and mean what they say. Some people neither say what they mean nor mean what they say. Some people keep a confidence, others do not. Some people realise the value of friends, others do not. Some people understand others, some people (including myself) do not. Some people.

Shortly

I don't feel like going home at the moment, so I'll go and sit by the sea for a bit. I find the sea very healing. It appears to have stopped raining, so I might as well make the most of it.

Belief

I sometimes wish I believed in God, but unfortunately I can't. I could do with his intervention now. I am going to have to be very strong.

Later

I'm still going to eat out with a friend this afternoon. I wouldn't dream of missing that. I'll pop down to the supermarket and get something to drink indoors for later.

Taking stock

I'm beginning to wonder whether I've done the right thing, in trying to live socially. I am bound to experience setbacks from time to time, and the one I now face is going to be very difficult. I feel no malice towards my friend, but I am disappointed by the way our friendship has been represented. The self-doubt that comes with Aspergers is here with a vengeance. I am determined to overcome it. I have done nothing for which I need be ashamed. The words, people, feelings et al. are flying round ferociously. I am comforted by the fact that my real friends know me, and know who I am. I am afraid of the reactions of people whom I know socially, and who appear to have believed what they have read. I'll face that when I am ready.

Today

I've just been to visit a close friend. I'm feeling very shaken and tingly, but reassured by his helpful advice. I have cancelled playing at the pub tonight, as I don't feel able to face it. I don't intend to stay away for too long though, as that will give the impression that I accept what was written.

Now

I am determined to stay strong. I'm going to see a friend shortly, and will meet my friend from Germany later.

I wonder

It will be interesting to see how many people believe what they will have read about me. I already know who my real friends are, so I won't lose any.

The way forward

I  have some serious thinking to do. It is obvious that my life will need to change. Let's see.

Freedom of speech

Having read, and been so upset by what I've just read, I still believe that people have the absolute right to free speech.

Today

I feel devastated. I have been accused of attacking someone online, which I haven't. That person hurt me very badly and it has taken me ages to come to terms with it. I have felt all sorts of hurt and anger which I have tried to get out in my blog. I have described the person's behaviour as I have experienced it.
The next part I find hardest of all. I am devastated by the accusations that have been made against me. I did not want to talk about this is public, but feel I have no choice. I told my friend he didn't have to thank me, because it is unnecessary from my point of view to be thanked for doing something that a friend would do. I enjoy cooking for others and hate eating by myself. For that reason I am happy to take food to the pub sometimes and share it with friends. I have been doing so this week while my friend from Germany is here.
The last part is cruellest of all. I honestly believed I understood what was said to me and how I was behaved towards. I don't want to say anything further except that I am completely lacking in imagination. I too have Aspergers and this has all been a learning curve for me too. I was completely unused to living in public until last June. To read that someone has been subjected to things against their wishes in making me feel sick. That was not what I understood. I thought the behaviour was reciprocal.
I admit I am obsessive. I know that. Most people with Aspergers are obsessive. I don't accept that I am controlling. My comments about the other person were not unprovoked. The hurt from the latest couple of incidents has not yet gone away. I had every right to describe how I felt.
What a horrible mess.

Schubert-Die Taubenpost (1828)

This is Schubert's last song. Yesterday my German friend sang something which I completely misunderstood (to our amusement). I forgot that Tauber means 'pigeons', as well as meaning 'deaf people'. The song was about poisoning Tauber in the park. I was mortified, as I am slightly deaf in the left ear.

An English lesson

Last night my German friend used a couple of words quite correctly. The trouble is that now, they have alternative meanings. In fact they are double-entendres. My friend was in hysterics when I told him what the words could mean.

This afternoon

It's now cold and drizzly. I don't mind, now that I've got my fags. I haven't done any harpsichord practice today, as I'm feeling a bit distracted (although not overwhelmed). I'll go home and cook shortly, and then go to the usual place.

The weather

The summery weather that we had at the weekend has deteriorated into lukewarm, overcast humidity. The weather is a cunt.

My feelings

I cannot pray, and it would be hypocritical of me to do do. However there are times that I wish I could, as  I would like to wish so many good things for the people who matter to me.

Now

My mood is a little odd, but I'm coping. The mood is quite intense, but this time I don't feel completely overwhelmed by it. Of course my mind is full of everything going round and round, and I'm deliberately revisiting events to make sure that I have the correct understanding. There is always an element of doubt, but I do believe that I have understood correctly.

Today

I'll go home shortly & have a cup of coffee with toast and marmalade. During the afternoon I'll do some harpsichord practice, and play mah jong on the computer. Then I'll make a light dinner and eat with my friend looking at the sea.

Good news

My fags ran out yesterday, and I was on the point of ripping my head off. I went to the post office and found that I had more money in my account than expected. Yippee! I got a packet of tobacco & will get a few bits of food from the supermarket.

Changing times

One chapter in my life seems to have come to a close. I feel a new one is opening. Of course I feel sad, but having gone through various episodes of mourning along the way, I feel strong enough to take life on.

Yesterday

I took a very simple dinner to the pub yesterday, and my friend from Germany and I enjoyed it with a pint, looking at the sea. I was glad to see friends, who had come to look at the vintage cars. I left before closing time.

Truth

I read something lately which was something like "You never lose a friend. You just find out who your real friends are". How very right.

Outrageous!

My German friend and I had a couple of lovely pints last night. Suddenly he started singing 'Hitler has only got one ball' in German. I repeated the beginning in English. We pissed ourselves laughing.

A new person?

I am definitely continuing to get stronger. Not very long ago I would have fled the scene if someone were hostile to me. Although I still feel very uncomfortable, I am now able to stay seated and bide my time. I now realise that cunts like that don't matter one bit. I don't need to care what they think, because in truth they don't think. What goes around comes around.

A musical interlude

We expect the pub to be busy tonight, because of another vintage car rally, so I will be at the piano. On Thursday a local brewer has chosen our pub to launch a new beer, so I will be playing again. I spoke to someone last night who is himself a performer, and it appears that my reputation as a musician continues to grow.

After dinner

When I arrived at the pub, my tormentor was there. At least the horrible cunt kept away from me, which is exactly how I want it. I still had to listen to the parsimonious shite and general air of superiority, combined with the superficial giggles. It's no good trying to be superior to me, because nobody is. The cunt is betrayed by its eyes, which are ice cold and don't smile with the rest of the face. Well good luck to it. It can go and fuck itself.

Yesterday

After the keyboard lesson, I had a lovely dinner with my friends in their garden. Then I went to the pub to see my friend. The evening was nice, although I felt quiet a couple of times. Later on I had a nice game of scrabble with the landlord. Lovely.

The melodrama

I've just been to the doctors about the results from the heart monitor. He said that he wasn't an expert, and has referred me back to the cardiologist to discuss. I have already been referred to the neurologist and am waiting for an appointment. My blood pressure is good. I have also asked to go to the smoking clinic so I can stop. It isn't for health reasons, but it's too bloody expensive.

A case in point

I'm gradually getting stronger. One cunt was deliberately nasty again yesterday. I did not retaliate. I held my head up and kept it up. I don't find that sort of behaviour necessary, and am surprised to experience it from someone who is supposed to be intelligent.

The correct word

I realise that I am starting to learn about people. I can now discern when someone is speaking pretentiously, although I still don't recognise the body language. I am always wary of people who laugh and smile all the time. They tend to be ruthless and controlling. They are cunts. I'm getting to be quite an expert at spotting them.

Today

I've got a couple of boring bits to do before going to sign on this afternoon. After that I'm going to help my friend's son with his keyboard, and then join them for dinner. Finally I'll wander down to the pub and meet up with my friend.

The visit

My friend from Germany arrived in my town on Saturday. We've met up both days, and it has been lovely catching up and having a good laugh.

The weekend

I did the singalong on Saturday. It began with people singing in fits and starts. Some people enjoyed it, but I thought it was going to flop. It picked up a bit later on and ended with some really enthusiastic singing.

Tonight

I wonder if any of the cunts are coming to the singalong. I don't really know why I'm bothering to wonder. I'm getting much better at dealing with them, but they obviously do still bother me.

Created equal?

I don't like it when someone considers themselves superior to another person. I also dislike it when someone feels inferior to his 'betters'. For example, one might find one person gushing on with moral or intellectual superiority, and the person to whom they are speaking not having the intellectual capacity to understand it, let alone challenge it. I remember the following, sickening attitude from my childhood: 'Listen to the man. You might learn something'.
Isn't it a fact that everybody's shit stinks the same?

A musical interlude

I like our pub piano. I enjoy the fact that it is as out of tune as the singing. It's all such fun. Last night I was surprised when someone asked me to play classical stuff on it. I was even more surprised when people started clapping afterwards, because it really did sound peculiar. One person in particular did annoy me, although I hid it and was quite charming. He kept asking me to play different composers one after the other, and I felt like a performing seal. I can't really grumble because I'm pleased that they enjoyed my playing.

More about Aspergers

My brain is in full throttle as usual. I have been thinking about recent events in my life (rather, I am being bombarded by them). As I sift and evaluate there is always an element of self-doubt. I feel that nowadays I understand more than I have ever done. I am as sure as I can be, at any rate.

Today

When I get back home I'll cook my dinner. While that's on I want to do some harpsichord practice. I'll go to the pub in concert dress at about 4pm to meet friends. I'm taking my dinner with me so that I can eat it later on.Tonight is going to be fun, methinks.

A thought

I'm very mindful of a friend who is commemorating a very sad anniversary today. Of course I don't know how she feels, but I remember how I felt. I don't know what else to say, except that I am always there for her.

Last night

Last night at the pub went well.  I saw lots of people who are either friends or who are friendly to me, and that was lovely. People kept asking me to play, so I played for about half an hour early in the evening, and for an hour later on. I am starting to get my new self back. My friend from Germany didn't arrive yesterday so I'll see him later on today. I'm really looking forward to that.

Another musical interlude

I've got another old-time singalong at the pub tomorrow night. It will be the first one that I've played on the pub piano. That should be fun.

A musical interlude

It's lovely to have the keyboard back at home. Yesterday I revisited some keyboard pieces by Purcell, Blow and Croft. I'd forgotten how nice they are.

The right word

I believe in using the correct words for things. I don't beat about the bush any more. For example, a cunt is a cunt. You can call it the Empress of India or a bunch of flowers if you like, but nothing can alter the truth that, whatever you call it, it is actually a cunt.

More about Aspergers

I commented yesterday that much of my life is governed by misunderstandings. I find myself constantly mulling over events and evaluating them, in order to try and make sure that I have understood. Aspies usually blame themselves when something goes wrong, or the situation is unpleasant. The whole issue is around understanding and misunderstanding. I am trying to break this vicious circle.

The visit

I am expecting my friend to arrive from Germany this afternoon. He's staying in a town about twenty miles from where I live. I've just found an email that he may come here tomorrow instead. I can understand that, as he has to be up so early today because of the flight. It will be lovely to see him whenever he arrives.

Changing tastes

I have always disliked pizza, that is until very recently. It had always reminded me of a sort of glorified cheese on toast. Yesterday I had a frozen one from the supermarket for dinner and thoroughly enjoyed it. I'll have to do that again.

Last night

I went to the pub at 7.45pm and sat tight. I have got my confidence back; I didn't feel too uncomfortable and wasn't intimidated by what I saw. I sat tight, and had a game of scrabble with the landlord. It was a good game and I lost by one point.

Something funny

A musical interlude

We've got a new piano at the pub. Actually the piano isn't a new one, but it's new to us. It's got a lovely, out of tune pub piano sound.
I brought my keyboard home yesterday and set it up this morning. I've just run through a couple of harpsichord pieces by Royer. It's lovely playing at home again.

Now

I'm feeling strangely confident, and am determined to remain positive. Confidence is something that has eluded me lately. I'm not giving it up so easily in future (says I again).

A thought

Aspergers can be very difficult. It's all about understanding (or not) and about communication (or mis-communication). I find that with hindsight, much of my life has been governed by misunderstanding. It still is. There is so much about human behaviour that I haven't yet learned to understand. I spend much of my life wondering whether I have understood or not.
Another thing is that I'm permanently locked in the 'now', so this tends to impair the judgement. I lack foresight.

Today

The weather is beautiful, sunny and warm. I've got housework to do, but I think I'll have a nap. I need one. Later on I'm going to listen to my friends' son playing the pieces he wants to play at his youth club tomorrow. I'll enjoy that.

A beautiful day

Mentally I feel much stronger than of late. Physically I've got quite a hangover, but I'm not complaining about it.

More about Aspergers

I am bewildered by body language and nuance. As usual, my friends with Aspergers in the family have offered me very wise and helpful advice.

Religious Education

Today's lesson is from the Epistle of St Sod to the Burghers of Slough.

'Beware of they who smile falsely, for they surely despise you. They are envious and hunger after power. They beguile with charm. They who smile falsely shall verily be cunts forever .'

A lucky escape

I learned this morning that some idiot opened his car door just as a friend was driving past with his son. Luckily they weren't injured, but it must have been a terrifying experience for them. The car is in a state though, but I'm just so glad that it wasn't my friends that took the brunt.

Today

I'm determined to snap out of this. I'll try and go for a walk later, as the weather is so nice. I've got some housework to get on with, which will keep me occupied. I've got some cold leftovers from yesterday for dinner, so all I need to do is fry some chips. I'm very apprehensive about going to the pub, but I'll need to go as friends are down from London and are expecting me.

More about Aspergers

I was in bed just after 11pm and slept very badly. I had vivid dreams throughout, and woke up in a blind panic during the night. It took me a good while to settle down. I feel quite exhausted today.
I have tried so hard to live among people, and have had some success at this. I realise that I have lost all my confidence at living socially, and now feel really uncomfortable in that setting. I am wondering whether I ought to go back to living like I did before I moved here. It was a rotten life, but at least I didn't feel threatened by it.

Last night

I went to the pub at about 7.15pm and sat with friends who were there. They all left about 8.30pm. The cunt was there and left just before they did. He's probably found a new batch of victims elsewhere. I felt very uncomfortable with another arrival a bit later on, so I sat outside for a short while before leaving.

An English gentleman?

Last Saturday I collected my cloth cap from the man who runs the retro shop. It looked a bit manky, but a run through the washing machine has brought it back to life. I shall wear it when I play on Saturday.

A text

I had a text from my friend from uni, saying that he's going to the area of London where my nephew lives, in a few weeks time. That is exciting news, because I might have a chance to see my nephew and his mum. It seems such a long time since I saw them.

Today

Today I've got really boring things to do, so I needn't bore you too by telling you all about it.

Yesterday

After a good keyboard lesson and a lovely meal with friends, I went home via the supermarket. I bumped into my brother outside, which cheered me up. I made paneer when I got home, and then went to the pub around 9pm. The cunt was there but didn't stay long. Lovely.

The melodrama

I've heard nothing about the results of the heart monitor I wore a month ago, so I went to the doctors. They want to see me next Tuesday.

Today

I'll be going to give my keyboard lesson soon, and will have dinner with my friends afterwards. I can't see me going to the pub afterwards. I don't feel like it.

More about Aspergers

The last conversation that you last had with someone is the one that sticks. It goes round and round, and is always there. If the conversation was a good one then so much the better. If it wasn't, then so much the worse. Your reaction to the sight of someone is tempered by this. This is what my life is like.

The weekend

Saturday started lovely. Went to the pub in the evening, then went home. Sunday, went to the pub late but didn't enjoy it. I went home after about an hour or so and watched some old films.

Today

Those naughty people at BT have disconnected my line. I don't know why they need to be so impatient. Never mind, I'll try and sort it out on Monday when the library reopens.
I feel really cheerful today, and that's a welcome change from how I've felt of late. I spent the day doing boring bits of housework. I'm glad I did.

Last night

I still felt edgy when I went to the pub to play. I actually thought I'd completely lost the ability to converse. However I had a really good chat, and it is one that I needed to have. I feel so much better as a result. The playing went really well, and there was a line of drinks that customers had bought me. It was a lovely night.

For the benefit of those who love good music

This is Mozart's Harpsichord Concerto in D, after JC Bach Keyboard Sonata Op5 no2.

Silence is golden

This is for the benefit of those cunts who won't stop talking

Two skies

I took this photo of yesterday's stunning sunset. This stands in stark contrast to the sky I dreamed about. The dream was confused. I don't remember many of the details, except it was a mixture of familiar and unfamiliar people, and I seemed to spend the whole time walking from one place to another. I watched the sky become black in the distance, before we were showered heavily in fine cinders. That happened repeatedly throughout the dream.

Am kommenden Freitag

Ich freue Mich schon die Ankunft der königlichen Wuppertaler Botschaft. Mit Meinem Freund erwarte Ich eine ganz angenehme und einfache Zeit, voller lachen und Spaβ. Wilkommen in Margate!

A musical interlude

I'm playing songs at the pub tonight for the visiting micropub tour. I'm also doing one of my own events there next Saturday night.

A perennial nuisance

I sat outside for a smoke last night and my brother came out too. We had been speaking for all of fifty seconds and the cunt came out too. That was that. Again.

Something else about Aspergers

I find I'm not so miserable today, having got all the other stuff off my chest. I realise that some people are cunts, and I have no control over that. I'm reassuring myself with the fact that I don't treat people like that.

Something about Aspergers

My mood has been very uncomfortable this week. I've been going to the pub but have been largely unable to talk. I didn't feel comfortable there, but didn't feel comfortable anywhere else either. I'm finally getting to the bottom of what's been making me feel so miserable. It was that business the other Friday, where I was spoken to very badly. I'm really upset about it, but the person in question is all sweetness and light. I'd really like to say something to the person to put the record straight, but know that I shouldn't. I'm really quite angry about it.
The situation reminds me of my earlier life, where I was marginalised and completely without a voice, and putting up with absolutely everything just so as no-one else was upset. It seems harder now, because having found my voice, something prevents me from saying what I mean. It's been doing my head in. I'll live.

Something funny to start the day

Now

I've had a couple of glasses of wine and my spirits are up. I'm feeling bolshy. The next time somebody dares tell me what I may say about myself, I shall belt them so hard they'll have to turn round to stutter. So there.

A change of plans

I am going to the pub after all. It's not because I intended to. but my friends are going and I'd like to see them. Also someone I know is calling by on behalf of a friend to collect some bedding that belongs to a fourth person. Confusing? Who else but me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dinner

The roast pork is nicely underway and should be ready shortly. I forgot to buy a bottle of oil, and can't be bothered to go out again. The potatoes should be interesting, as hardly any fat has come out of the pork. Never mind though, as I'm good at rescuing dinners.

At the moment

The flat is very quiet at the moment, except for the noise from the garage opposite. I thought I would feel lonely on my own, but actually I don't at the moment. I feel rather cosy, and much safer knowing that I won't be subjected to anything unpleasant tonight.

I don't understand

Why are people offended by the use of the word 'cunt',but not be offended by the behaviour that causes one to use the word in the first place? I am bewildered.

Now

I do feel down in the dumps. I think that I'm entitled to, this time, as I've got such a lot going on in my head. I'm determined to be back up again as soon as possible.

Shameful news

I've just read on facebook that a friend's son has been bullied at school. It happens when a kid is different to the others, particularly if they are intelligent, and always if they are autistic. It's sickening.

Tonight

Tonight will be interesting. I've got some thinking to do, but I do that anyway. I can't stop thinking. I've been a bit extravagant today. I'm having a roast dinner and a bottle of wine. Afterwards I'll lie on the sofa and watch some of my old films. It'll be just like it was when I lived in London.

Last night

I went to the pub after dinner. Two particular people were expected to arrive by 8pm in time for the quiz night. One of them annoys me intensely and the other one makes me feel uncomfortable. Bearing this in mind I sat myself outside. I faced a dilemma; should I stay because I like the place, or should I leave because I felt so awkward? I stayed outside until closing time when I sloped off quietly. I think I may have caught a bit of a chill.
I know my problem is to do with Aspergers. I'm still learning how to live socially, although I get on quite well with most of the people I come into contact with. People generally like me. I find difficult people easier to ignore when I'm with friends. Yesterday I was on my own, with everything going round and round in my mind. The first of these individuals I have described on many occasions. He's the one who talks at one and takes over everyone's conversation. The second individual had been deliberately nasty to me, and made it look like my fault when I got upset. I don't want to spend time with these people, so I'm considering whether to stop going. I certainly shan't be going back tonight.

Beside the sea

'I do like to be beside the seaside' is a great favourite at our pub. Basil Rathbone sings it in this 1939 recording.

Work in progress

These are the pieces I'm currently working on: Louis Marchand Prenier Livre de Clavecin, and Beethoven Pathetique sonata

Soccer

Lots of people seem to spend a lot of their free time talking about football. They say 'we' when discussing their team, as if they also played for it. I know it must be very enjoyable to those who watch it, but it's only a game. I've never understood why people take it so seriously.

Now

I feel very bored, and a bit fed up with my own company. I'm going to have an early dinner and then go out. That should pick me up.

My day

I've been feeling very lethargic today. All I've done all afternoon is to sit here thinking, while playing a mah jong game on the computer. I'd better pull myself together soon.

More about Aspergers

I still feel happier and more satisfied with life than I ever have. However I realise that I still face real difficulties with people. Even with friends, there are times that I need to be quiet. Of course I want to be with them, but I don't always want to talk. I don't know how to make it clear to people that they are bothering me, without them getting offended. People can be very insensitive. Never mind. It's all a part of what I want to learn.

Today

I'll go to the pub this afternoon and do some practice. They've got another quiz on at the pub tonight, and I've already told the landlord that I don't want to take part. I'm not competitive and don't like it when people are, especially as it's only a game. Why can't people just enjoy taking part and playing?

Since I got home

When I got home last night I did the usual things; I checked my email, facebook and blog. I also wrote to my German friend, who will be visiting next week. I couldn't sleep straight away. I went to bed around 2am and woke up around 7am, feeling very tired. I had a coffee and a couple of fags, and managed to sleep for another two hours. I'm on the second leg of the coffee and fags routine now.

Yesterday

I went to the pub around 2pm and spent the afternoon playing harpsichord and piano music. Later on I had a nice game of scrabble with my brother and a customer, which I won. I couldn't be bothered to cook so I treated myself to a battered hamburger, chips and a gherkin, and ate them with a pint of cider. Afterwards I could feel my mood starting to change. I felt fidgety and uncomfortable so I went home. A couple of hours later I went back down to meet a friend who had gone there. Soon afterwards another friend arrived so we sat together. To begin with I didn't feel like talking so I sat quietly playing the harpsichord. Then I started to feel more relaxed. My brother came back later and we had a nice game of scrabble with the landlord, which I lost.

Very funny

Very true

Can't say any more.

Today

I didn't sleep all that well yesterday and still feel tired. I'll probably try and have a nap shortly. After that I'll cook dinner, and then I'll go to the pub to do some keyboard practice. Aren't I exciting.

Hypocrisy

Some people are offended by bad language. I don't understand why, because bad language is only to do with words. It is not the words which are offensive, but the concepts that they signify. Other people are offended by political incorrectness. I am offended by self-righteousness, censorship, and the demand that everyone must comply with one's own way of thinking. These people's patronising attitude implies that they think minorities aren't capable of looking after themselves, and are therefore in need of protection. I am offended by the moral majority, who don't actually think at all, but find safety in forming themselves into flocks like sheep. Outrageous.

More about Aspergers

I have always struggled with body language, gesture and nuance. When I can see a pattern though, I am very good at deciphering it. For example when someone is always too smiley, they wear it like a mask. Equally as phoney is the pretentious laugh. Since I've got better at eye contact I've noticed another thing; It is said that the eyes are the window to the soul. Their are some people whose eyes tell a different story from the one they show to the world. I don't know why they bother.

Yesterday

The pub was busy when I got there, mostly with friendly faces or new people. The 'feztival' was there so I played another singalong. I didn't feel very talkative so I kept myself to myself. I spent quite a lot of time at the keyboard playing Chopin, Beethoven and Edith Piaf. When I wasn't at the keyboard I sat outside.
There was one funny moment when I carried a heavy box in for the landlord. When I put it on the floor, the seat of my trousers ripped very loudly. My brother was on duty to start with, but stayed as a customer afterwards.

A musical interlude

This is my old harpsichord. Isn't it a monster? I hated it, and it wasn't played for about twelve years. I was glad to see the back of it. For me, it has very strong associations with how I felt when I lived in London. Thankfully both it and my old life are gone.
The piano lesson went very well yesterday. The lad is very capable and really enjoys playing. I don't even have to mention to him about practicing, as he spends most of his waking life at the keyboard. After the lesson I had a really lovely dinner with my friends.
I had an email yesterday from the mother of the girl I gave a lesson to last Tuesday. It seems that I was one of three teachers that she was trying out, and that they've opted for the first. Well good for them. They don't know quality when they see it.

Street singer and organ player of Barbary, 1898

I've just been down to say hello to my friend at his 'feztival'. My friends sat outside, where there was live music. A local 'celebrity' was crooning away with a very loud backing track, all of which was blasted through loudspeakers at an alarmingly loud volume. Not my cup of tea. I managed about ten minutes then came home.

Seagulls

I'm being plagued by some of the most hideous and unnecessary noises known to man, namely seagull cries. Can't the cunts be exterminated under any of the laws relating to noise pollution? I think that councils and governments must be feeble-minded. Never mind about hurting the feathered menaces, just fuckinwell kill them, and give us all a bit of peace. I ask you?

Bluebottles

While I was nodding off at my friend's yesterday, I kept being startled by the sound of bluebottles flying in through the open window. What is the point of them? They fly up and down with moronic regularity, bashing their heads on window-panes, defaecating and regurgitating promiscuously on food and shit alike. Bluebottles are cunts.

Remembering

I've just been going through my photos, and came across this one of rhododendrons in Greenwich Park. My late friend and I particularly loved this place. She was in her wheelchair and we'd go through the wooded areas to enjoy the blooms. We had some good laughs and good chats there. It was always an enjoyable trip.

I still miss her greatly. She enjoyed my (strange?) sense of humour. I have always liked to joke, but I was never truly happy. With hindsight the jokes were just a coping mechanism. Nina never saw me happy, and I know how delighted she would be if she could see me now. She was such a good friend, and I miss her good common sense, her compassion, her intelligence, her humour, and her old-fashioned, sometimes hilarious turns of phrase. I have such lovely memories of her.

Wie geht's Mir?

Ich habe gern Blumen .Diese Schwertlilien und blaue Storchschnabel habe Ich gestern im Garten meines Freundes fotografiert. Das ganze Bild ist für Mich ganz schön und meditativ. Am Ende einer der traurigsten Wochen meines Lebens, habe Ich die Ruhe wieder gefunden. Ich freue Mich über Meinen Freunden, und über Mein Leben. Ich bin überglücklich, daβ Mein Bruder die Gesundheit wieder hat. Ich freue Mich, daβ Ich soviel Glück habe. Ich freue Mich.

Haute couture

I want a flat cap to wear when I'm playing the old-time songs. I remember that my great-grandfather always wore a suit, a watch and chain, and a flat cap. The proprietor of the retro shop says he has one in stock and that I can have it. That is really kind of him.

More about Aspergers

 I have always found it difficult to be in the presence of someone who dislikes me. I would be terrorised by the person's proximity and need to beat a hasty retreat. I now find that I am able to cope with such a situation. In fact I'm not unduly bothered by it. Something in me has changed. I'm getting stronger.

A busy day

This afternoon I'll pop down to see a friend, who is celebrating his birthday with a 'feztival', ie everyone is wearing a fez. I don't have a fez so I'll have to go as I am. After that I'm going to give a piano lesson, and then have dinner with friends. After that I'm going to the pub, and expect to be playing later on.

The hurdy-gurdy player (c1885)

I got to the pub just after 7pm, in good time to play for the retro-shops' party. I was shocked to find my brother was on duty, because he'd really been quite poorly during the week. In fact I'm not sure he's over it yet. My friend from uni's brother came with his partner and some friends, and further friends arrived during the course of the evening. The retro people duly turned up, and we were treated to some fireworks. Then it was my turn. The singalong was a great success. People say such kind things about my playing and about myself.

The visit

I went to see my friend from uni yesterday lunchtime. I was treated to an absolutely gorgeous meal in a carvery, just outside a village. I ate so much that I expect to be constipated for the next six to eight weeks. We had a nice chat which I really appreciated, as we don't often get the chance to talk without someone we know being around. We went back to his place afterwards and nodded off, on account of having overeaten so badly. I photographed these ox-eye daisies on the way to the bus station afterwards. It was a lovely afternoon.

A thought

I'm thinking about someone who has really suffered. He's been very brave and I'm so proud of him. He doesn't appreciate his own worth.

A vast improvement

I've managed to cope with the traumatic events of the past week without going to pieces. I know that I'm getting an inner strength I've never known before. A few months go I would have cracked.

Chance

I cannot believe how much difference a day can make. Yesterday I was in the depths of despair. Now I feel so happy. Wow.

A musical interlude

This evening I'm going to play for a party. That's fine because I'll be in the corner doing my stuff. I'm playing again tomorrow for the bank holiday, and again on Friday when we have another visiting micropub tour.

More about Aspergers

I sat outside & my brother came past. We started chatting. I was delighted to see him but didn't know whether we could talk. I had been right. My brother had been ill. I am so happy that we talked. Later on I saw his partner. I turned to her and wanted to speak but she walked past. What a pity. I don't do grudges. I am really glad that yesterday happened, and woke up this morning feeling great. I'm off to visit my friend from Uni once I've had a bath.

The boozer

The pub was busy when I got there. I was just about to enter when I spotted my brother and his partner. I froze. A close friend saw me and asked if I was ok. I sat outside and she brought me a pint. All was ok. I had a lovely night. Some customers asked me to play & we had a really good singalong.

Edith Piaf: Heureuse

Yo también soy feliz.

The party

When I got to the party I went and sat on the balcony and looked at the sea. The party was busy and there was a singer. I chatted to a couple of friends and had some bits from the buffet. The atmosphere was lovely. The singer was replaced by a DJ so I left and walked to the pub.

Le retour de la paix

Après la nuit, le jour. Que je suis heureux!

More about Aspergers

I don't like parties. It's not that I'm being a killjoy, because it's lovely to celebrate. The thing is I worry about who is going to be there, and about how many people will attend. I find it very difficult to talk, so usually stand or sit in the corner. I'm no good at small-talk, and I just don't know what to say.  If I'm honest about it, I'm not really interested in small-talk and would rather that people didn't speak to me. I also worry about looking stupid or odd in front of people, or showing myself up. If there is a lot of hubbub I can't hear or understand a thing anyway.
I'm just leaving now to go to the party I've been invited to. Wish me luck.

Dans le mirroir

Depuis le dernier fin de semaine, ma vie a l'air surréaliste. C'est comme tous les particuliers sont reéls, mais tout paraît un peu étrange. Je sais que c'est une période d'adjustement. Je sais aussi que pendant cette période je deviens de plus en plus fort.

My day

I've just played two quarter-hour sessions at the festival. For the first session I played music-hall songs, and people sang along to them. For the second session I played French harpsichord music as requested.
I have declined the request to play again tomorrow, as I'm now getting too old to carry keyboards all around the town. I've set the keyboard up at the pub, so it's ready for me later.

Sheer luxury

My first stint at the festival went well, & lots of friends turned up. Lovely. I felt a bit flaky afterwards and came home to lie down. I couldn't sleep so got up and made some toast and peanut butter. I'd forgotten how nice it is.

Jetzt

Heute habe Ich keine Ahnung, es eilig zu haben. Obwohl Ich in fast fünf Minuten spielen sollte, doch habe Ich Mich noch nicht bekleidet. Ich bin in meiner inneren Welt, und bin nur von der Scheiβmusik von der Straβe gestörrt. Ich muβ Mich fertigen.

Purcell: Funeral Music for Queen Mary (1694)

Another of the significant pieces of music in my life.

Annoying

I'm being regaled with some of the most hideous disco music I've ever heard, blasting out from somewhere down the road. Disco music is a cunt.

Now

It's a bit cold outside. I'm not particularly looking forward to playing, as my heart isn't really in it. I will give a good account of myself though, as my professional training has equipped me to do so.

More about Aspergers

The significant events of last Friday week have dominated my inner life this week. I have been deluged with thoughts, conversations, faces, events, feelings, everything. I've had no rest from it. I think I'm finally beginning to make some sense of it all.
For me, nothing has changed about the way I feel since last Friday. What is different, though, is a keenly-felt sense of absence, which leaves one feeling raw. I'm coping remarkably well.

Today

I have to leave shortly, as I am playing for the local retro festival. I expect to be there until teatime, when I'll come home to eat before going to a friend's birthday party. I don't like parties, and I'm going because it was very kind of them to invite me. I don't expect I'll stay very long.

Yesterday

Yesterday evening the sky was beautiful, but there was a biting easterly wind. I went to the pub and sat down outside, where I spent most of the evening. After a couple of hours I went inside and sat with friends before going back outside. I was glad to see them, but unable to chat. I spent the last ninety minutes or so inside.

During the day

I don't know where today has gone. I've spent the whole day thinking but can't remember what I thought about. The thoughts themselves seem unclear. It's as if I'm trying to speak but the words won't come out.

Now

A friend popped round quite unexpectedly and brought me a few rugs. We had a cup of tea and a chat. I still feel like being quiet. I'm going to make a pasta sauce for tonight and tomorrow, and go down the pub some time later.

Now

I did go and lie down but couldn't sleep. Back at the computer smelling bread baking and having a fag. Hey ho.

A peaceful song

This Gujarati song (Ja Ja Nindara) used to be a favourite when I was eighteen years old. I don't know what the words mean.

Sleep

I don't feel rested after last night's sleep. I dreamed I was at the local butchers, and watched him mince some beef. I remember bits of turtle and a parrot going into the mincer. I bought some and started cooking it. Then I woke up. After I've taken my tablets and had another fag, I'm going to try and take a nap.

Tomorrow

During the daytime I'm playing for the local retro festival. I will give it one hundred percent, but I don't feel very excited about it.

Getting back to normal

After several days thinking about it, I've finally taken the plunge and put the bread machine on. Let's see what it produces today.

The party

I've had a very kind invitation to a friend's birthday party tomorrow. It's going to be a very big do in a hotel. Of course I'm going but I'm really worried about it. I think I'll just stay a short while.

A bandwagon?

Someone commented on facebook today about joining the bandwagon by sharing diseases and syndromes on facebook.
I am neither proud nor ashamed of who I am. I tend to be vocal so that a: I am not misunderstood b: to raise awareness of us older ones that the system forgets and c: to share information with similar people who might find it useful.
I will speak to that person the next time I see them.

Yesterday

I went to the pub at about 7.15pm. I didn't feel at all like talking. Except for the last half hour I sat outside all night, popping in occasionally to have a go on the keyboard. I think it's going to be like that for a while, as the place seems quite strange and empty now. I haven't gone to pieces though. Three months ago I would have.
During the course of the evening a friend turned up, and she sat with me for a while. Later on my friend from uni's brother arrived with his partner and a friend. It was lovely to see them.

Memory lane

The baroque ensemble from Italy who contacted me play the same repertoire that my harpsichord teacher's ensemble does. I remember a concert that my teacher's ensemble gave at St John's, Smith Square. The last piece was a five movement suite for solo harpsichord, each movement of which had a quasi-classical name (such as Florence Smith, her allemande).
I was expecting an allemande. Instead of that, the harpsichordist beat his instrument with alarming ferocity. The music was completely chaotic. I burst out laughing while the rest of the audience maintained their dignified sobriety and gave me dirty looks. The other movements were just as bizarre. My harpsichord teacher told me later that I was the only person who had understood it. The whole thing was a joke.

Something exciting

I follow two harpsichord groups on Facebook. I have just accepted a friend request from a world-class baroque ensemble. I have also just pinched myself to make sure I'm not still asleep.

Lost time?

I felt very tired when I was writing my last posting, so went and lay down. I shut my eyes and was irritated by the noise of car engines, seagulls, children playing, and a dog barking. I kept turning round to try and get comfortable. The next thing I remember is waking up thinking about a hilly place that I've dreamed of previously. I must have slept for an hour and a half. As I perform the second coffee and fags ceremony of the day, I feel wonderfully healed by the sleep I've just had. The brain is a remarkable organ. Even my brain is, sometimes.

Bach: Brandenburg concerto no4, second movement

I played both recorder parts once upon a time, and played extracts from the 1st movement for my University audition. Apart from that it has significance.

A second thought

I wonder If I'm dealing with my predicament so well, because I am happy with other parts of my life. I used to cope so badly before, but there was no part of my life that I was happy with then.

At the chemists

The pharmacist spoke to me when I collected my tablets. He told me I should take them after breakfast. I explained that I don't have breakfast and never have done. He also warned me about painkillers. I explained that I don't take them. Even after my operation, I only took about a quarter of the dose I should have been taking. I have a very high pain threshold. I just get on with it. The chemist looked at me like I'd sprouted four heads.

At the moment

I am spending the day being bombarded with thoughts etc, just as I do every day and night. Naturally I have been dwelling on my experiences of the last week, and am trying to make sense of now.
My feelings haven't changed one bit, and I daresay they won't. I suppose one's feelings don't change, unless something happens to force them to change. Well it hasn't, and they haven't. The new and odd thing is that I am able to rise above all this when I'm in public, instead of being reduced to a gibbering mess. I am obviously going through a period of adjustment and think I'm managing quite well.
I am realistic. I know how things are and accept that. I don't want things any other way than how they should be.

Now

I'm feeling very quiet today. I think I will want to be near people, but probably won't want to talk to them. When I go out this evening I'll wear my thick coat, so that I can sit outside without freezing.

Die Nachsicht

Ich bin kein Spinner. Ich hatte es ganz richtig. In den letzten Paar Tagen habe Ich die Gelegenheit gehabt, mit Freunde meinen Umstand zu diskutieren. Meine Analyse war zutreffend. Das ist alles.

More about Aspergers

I've been wondering why my fits seem to be occurring more frequently. I've noticed that they always come a day or two after a meltdown, although they don't always follow one. I'm learning to live socially, so of course the challenges will be new and unexpected. That is why I experience both more often.
It is a wonderful thing for me that more people are beginning to understand what it is that I find difficult.

This morning

I've done the boring things to get them out of the way. I started off by going to the supermarket to get some fag papers and filters, before going to the doctors to collect my prescription. Then I went to the chemists to collect my tablets, and went straight on to the German supermarket. The coffee, milk and eggs which would have cost me about £5.00 in my normal supermarket cost me less than £3.00. I think I'm going to use the German place in future.

Yesterday

I was in a very quiet mood yesterday. It was lovely to see friends at the pub, but as I couldn't be chatty I was up and down to the keyboard. There was one horrible moment later on, to which I did not react. Afterwards I went and sat outside quietly and had a few smokes. My friends who understand Aspergers noticed what had happened and were very good. When I went back inside, I sat in the corner and played French harpsichord music so that it was barely audible. Despite the laughter and conversation of the other people, I was surprised that they both heard and enjoyed it.