This afternoon

I've been back on the family stuff again. Boring, unlike yesterday. It's been an altogether boring day, what with the playing too. Boring weather since the sun went in, shortly after sunrise.

Just now

We had very few visitors today, so I spent some time learning new pieces and practicing old ones, ready for the event I''m playing at in a couple of weeks.
We know why there were so few visitors. The town itself is fairly deserted, because of a nasty political event in the area. When I finish at the library, I'm going straight home and staying there.

No great surprise

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-31671000

So this person had issues with anger management? It seems that he still does. Even so, his subsequent behaviour defies comprehension.

Slobs

While I was walking earlier, I had my camera to my face. I was moving forward, trying to take a photo of some starlings before they flew off. Then I noticed something unpleasant. I'd stepped in an enormous mound of dog shit.
We live in a beautiful town, yet the morons who take these animals for walks seem content to let them shit on any pedestrian right of way, and don't feel any compulsion to clean up the mess. Surely people shouldn't have to walk round with their eyes to the pavement, just so as to keep their shoes clean. I'd love to get the dog owners by the scruff of the neck and rub their faces in it. Then I'd like to march them through it, run them back to where they live, and make them tread it all over their carpets. This is what I think of them:

A musical interlude

I'm all togged up now. As usual I'm harpsichording both today and tomorrow, and old-time singalonging in the pub tomorrow evening. I don't feel good about it today. I realise that what little confidence I managed to build up, has deserted me. I'll go into professional mode and do what I have to, but feel very jittery inside.

Yesterday afternoon

I found out something interesting in the family way. One of my fairly close relatives was a 'Sir', and had a distinguished First World War record besides. He was a CBE too. I found a photo of him online. I know that part of the family had 'good' connections, as he and his brothers all had commissions. They don't give those to us common folk.

First thing today

It was dark when I got up and started on the coffee and fags. I watched it get light, and there was a lovely sky for a short moment. My mind was working overtime, to the extent that I could physically feel my thoughts. After I'd pulled myself into some sort of shape, I had a shave and then went for a walk. It was beautifully bright and sunny at that point, but chilly. As usual I was on the lookout for wildfowl, and managed to take a reasonable picture of a turnstone.

Shortly afterwards I bumped into someone I know socially, but haven't seen for months. He'd been down to the sea to check on his boat, which he uses to go fishing.
Then the wind started to pick up, and the sky started to darken. I felt cold, so treated myself to a hot sausage roll from the butcher's, before sloping off to the library.

Sleep

I had another bumpy night. I slept soundly, but didn't seem to stay asleep for very long at a time. I kept on waking up, and my dreams were strange. There was one where I was working for nothing in a hardware shop. There was something menacing in it, but I've forgotten what it was now. I woke up just after five.

Last night

I was just starting to get my dinner ready, when one of my closest friends contacted me. We had a quick pint, and it was a lovely surprise. Afterwards I continued with my very simple but satisfying dinner of lorne sausage, beans and mash. Then I watched one of the genealogy programmes. Lastly I read Walford's accounts of Knightsbridge and Brompton, before going to bed at ten.

Today

I really got carried away on the computer, and I'll have plenty to type up when I get home. Before I start off all I have to do is publicise my Sunday stint at the pub. That's my lot now.

Today

I've been back on the family history, collecting even more useless data for my family tree. From what I'm beginning to make out, I seem to be closely related to most people, except for the ones I know.

Memory lane

After dreaming about the church where I was christened, I' still remembering things. I remember the weathercock, and how I used to walk through the churchyard looking at the gravestones, and trying to find the oldest one. I remember being terrorised by a snarling dog, that chased me into a neighbouring garden. A lot of my thoughts are like this. Something nice has usually got something sad mixed with it.

Moods

My mood is strange again today. Thinking and thinking, combined with music I'm thinking about. Tingling in the arms and legs, and restlessness. Methinks I'm having one of my internal melodramas. All I can do now is wait for it to pass.

The weather

Earlier on I went for a walk along the coast. It must have been windy last night, as I could see where the waves had crashed over the sea wall. There's a bit of a stiff breeze this morning, although it's dry and beautifully bright.
When I got to the library, 'Hi Guv'nor' started talking at me. I replied to each phrase with a grunt. I couldn't be bothered. He then started gabbing to a bunch if ignorant cretins, who went on and on complaining about the weather. Cunts.

Last night

I had some of the previous night's lentils, cooked some rice and made a potato curry, which I varied by including some sweet potato. I enjoyed it and finished what I'd dished up.
Afterwards I went back to the Walford. This time I read about Lambeth, Sydenham and and Streatham. Lambeth was disappointing. I wanted to know about the stink industries along the river, rather than Good Queen Bess and Merrye England. Walford makes the most outrageous assumptions, such as 'the marsh must have covered' such and such area, without giving any facts to back up his assertion. He isn't afraid to express an opinion either. He speaks of one poor street being 'happily' demolished to make way for Waterloo Station. Never mind. It kept me mildly amused, and my brain occupied, until I went to bed at nine.

Sleep

It was a bad one again. I woke up a few times, but I was troubled by strange dreams all night. I had one that I've had before, about living near the top of a tower block, going up and down in a lift and trying to find where I live. I go down to the first floor, which looks like a station concourse. There is an escalator going down. Lots of people are going down it, and lots more walking up the stairs. I go towards the escalator and wake up. Throughout the dream I feel worried.

In a minute

I've just gone to try and get some more time on the computer, but it's hopeless. There's only one librarian to be seen, and she's trying to help a queue of very needy people. I don't want to queue behind them anymore. It's like being in a slow-motion machine. I suppose I'll just pack up and go now,

Now

Here I am, back on the family history again. Facts and figures; that's all I want. The more, the merrier. It's a way of killing time, I suppose. It keeps my mind occupied.

Chilling news

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-31637090

Apparently the identity of Jihadi John has now been discovered. I wish this person nothing, except what he wishes for others.

Later on

I need to go up to the letting agents and pay the rent. I hope it will have finished raining by then, 'cos it's quite a long walk. It looks like I'm going to have my walk after all, when I think about it.

Even more recently

I applied online for a bar job, as requested by the workhouse. I don't particularly fancy it. I've never done that sort of thing before. Besides, I'm sure they won't want old crusties like me cluttering up their bar.

Just now

When I left the library it had started to rain. It was horrible. All dreary and grey. That put paid to the weekly walk, which for me is a big shame. It's one of the highlights of my week. It's no good my moaning about it though. It'll have to keep for next week.

Shortly

I'm having to work cross-legged, as the library loo is still waiting to get fixed. Mercifully I'll have to make a move soon, and can find one on the way.

Common sense

I read that Austria has just passed a law, governing how a certain religion is administered. Good. It's about time someone had the guts to deal honestly with this issue. I hope that other governments will follow Austria's example.

Workhouse news

I woke up feeling miserable and my knees are still achey and cold. Today I've been told to go somewhere (a long walk away) to see a company that's recruiting. I don't fancy it. It's one of these slave-driving, low-paid fast food joints. I don't feel like the haul of getting there, and am more comfortable in my scruffy clothes. I've found a link to apply online, so I'll do that instead.

Weather

It stayed overcast all day yesterday, and only rained intermittently. When I got up this morning I could see that it had rained during the night. Since then it's getting increasingly overcast. I hope it won't rain when I go for the walk later on.

Last night

I still felt out of sorts. I finally mustered up the will to cook some lentils and rice, and heated up a meat curry. I ate some of what I cooked. I really didn't enjoy it. After dinner I plugged in the new family history data, and went to bed early.

The stuff of nightmares

For those of you who don't recognise her, this is Queen Alexandra, consort of Edward VII. I don't why, but I had a strange dream about her last night. I dreamed I was watching a documentary about Victorian corsets, and the internal damage they did to women. (In real life I have a documentary, part of which covers this topic). In my dream the documentary went on to a thermal image of the above lady, and showed all the kinks and twists in her spine. Very odd.

The stuff of dreams

I had a rough night last night. I didn't wake up, at least I don't remember waking up, but my dreams were horrible. I dreamed about the village round the corner from where I grew up. I remembered the fiasco of my christening in this fourteenth-century church. I remembered the godparents I 'd never seen before, who arrived just before it happened, left immediately afterwards and whom I never saw again. I remember my relations being there and the horrible atmosphere. I remembered the choir I sang in, and the carol services we did at the church.
I remembered all the fear and the sadness of being young. I remembered the lot, chapter and verse. It was harrowing. I don't think I'll ever forget.

Now

Spring is definitely getting nearer. It's still very light outside, and I don't think it'll get dark for more than half an hour. So much nicer than winter.

This afternoon

I think I'm in that frame of mind again. I'm going through the family history, and don't even feel remotely interested in it. Well there you are. That's me for you.

A trying evening

I nearly forgot something that freaked me out at the time. Just after I started reading last night, someone's car alarm went off. It went for fifty minutes, right outside my window. I stuck the earplugs in, and then I shut my window too, to try and shut out the noise. Nothing worked. I stopped reading until the alarm went silent. Car alarms are cunts. It's not entirely the driver's fault. They're not to know how noise affects me. However I'd much rather they used the alarms outside their own homes.

Today

I haven't really been myself since I got up this morning. A couple of times I felt a bit light-headed while I was playing, and my knees feel cold and achey. I wonder if the flu is coming back, like it seems to do for everyone else who has had it.

Earlier

When I got to the historic building, one of the council people to with yesterday walked past. When I saw her, I'm afraid she got quite an earful from me.
I didn't enjoy playing today, because there were only a few visitors. I used the time, though, to learn some more pieces, so it wasn't a complete waste of an afternoon.

Now

It's time for me to start making my way to where I need to be. I don't fancy playing at all. I'm too tired and I ache too much, however one thing I simply won't do is to let people down. Groan. Here we go.

Politics

At the present time, in this country we are said to have a three-party system. WRONG. What we have, and have always had, is a government and an opposition. The government takes a certain line on things, and whichever party is in office will take that line. The opposition takes a different line, and that role is played by whatever party is in opposition. That's all there is to it. I've been around a long while, and have seen it all before.

Later on

I'm not going to go to wild with the cooking today. I'll rescue a frozen portion of curry, and just cook some lentils to go with it. All it will need is some boiled rice and that's dinner sorted.

The council

I said yesterday that they were a bunch of cunts. And so they are. The one lavatory at the library is out of order yet again, this time since last Thursday. It's nice to know that they take health and safety so seriously.

Weather

Yesterday was beautiful, until we had a hailstorm at teatime. After that it rained and rained. Then it rained, and still hasn't stopped. I could hear it every time I woke up last night. How's this for a view?

I wanted to take some photos, only to discover that the batteries in the camera had gone flat. Ah well.

Earlier

This morning I didn't get to the library too early. 'Hello Guv'nor' was in full flow, every phrase ending with such things as 'ain't it?', 'don't it?', 'can't they' etc. Luckily he'd latched onto another 'backward' person who seemed to be enjoying the conversation. It does make my head ache.

Sleep

I slept very badly last night. Apart from my unsettled mood, I kept waking up coughing. I got up early this morning aching and feeling completely worn out. I must pull myself together, because I'm playing in just over an hour.

Last night

After dinner I read some more of the Walford stuff on Greenwich and Bermondsey. It was hilarious! The author waxed lyrical about Bluff King Hal and Good Queen Bess. I can't see what was 'bluff' or 'good' about either of them. In fact they were paranoid, crafty, greedy and vindictive, just like their relatives. The whole family should have been shoved up against a wall and shot. The whole thing was saturated with the most revolting sentimentality. 'Alas, poor Anne Boleyn'. What's poor about her? She came from a wealthy family, and was brought up to be a scheming, manipulative bitch. She played the power game and got her fingers burned.
Around half past eight I kept nodding off, before pulling myself round at about nine. I went to bed shortly afterwards.

Yesterday evening

I arrived home feeling completely burned out. I hate being messed around. I don't cope with it at all. I need to know where I am with things and people. I shouldn't do anything at all when I feel like that. I wasn't concentrating on what I was doing, and managed to set fire to the hotplate when I was frying some chips. I managed to put it out with a tea-towel. I bolted my dinner down and didn't enjoy it one bit.

What happened?

Let me tell you about the visit by English Heritage. Well at three o'clock yesterday afternoon, I finally got my keyboard to where I needed it. The people were expected at 4pm. 4pm came round, and then we had a call to say they hadn't arrived, and would be another hour. We were called just before 5pm to say the people had arrived at the museum, and would be over after the talk. At ten to six we had another call to say that the people had gone to the poshest hotel instead. I daresay all twenty of them went on to regale themselves with fine food and plenty of drinks, no doubt all paid for by English Heritage. That was a horrible afternoon. What should of started at noon and been finished about one-thirty dragged on until 6pm and then didn't happen.

Why?

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CDQQqQIwAg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bbc.co.uk%2Fnews%2Fuk-england-tyne-31602670&ei=ZXLsVOrmBqOR7AbAloDwCQ&usg=AFQjCNFspu4mKMOsr9NBODovJ4-mgJM97Q&sig2=tJWGz4ETvjyoj7ldF2WhbA

The man in this picture is elderly. He is also disabled. The thug who set about this defenceless man couldn't have cared less. Someone has now admitted to carrying out the attack. I don't understand what possible reason someone might have for doing something so callous. The whole thing makes me very sad.

Fine dining

Tonight I'm going to eat in style. For the first time ever, I've bought some frozen hamburgers. (I wouldn't have bought them, but for the 'buy one, get one free' offer). I'll get some crusty rolls, as I don't like soft ones very much, and do cheeseburgers with fried onions and tomato ketchup. I'll cook my own chips to go with them. Sorted!

A bad dose

https://www.facebook.com/topic/Black-Death/105572292810083?source=wtfrt&position=5&trqid=6119388662404986327

Some scientists now believe that the Black Death was caused by giant gerbils rather than rats. I wonder how big they were? Nine feet long and six feet at the shoulder? I wonder if the fleas were giant too.

Weather

It's beautiful again today, with sunshine and blue skies. It's very mild out of the chill breeze, but stays cold at night.
As I walked to the library this morning, enjoying the sunshine, I dreaded the call of 'Hello Guv'nor'. I was right to dread it. As soon as I got to the library, he went into a rant about the weather. I tell you what, I think a few earthquakes, floods, desert heat, tornados and arctic blizzards would sort him out. It would really give him something to moan about.

This afternoon

In an hour or so I'm going to drop in on a friend who isn't very well. It'll be nice to see her, and I hope it won't be too tiring for her. I know she loves her garden, so I'm taking her a small pot of daffodils. They'll be nice on the windowsill, and can be planted out afterwards. I hope she enjoys them.

Just now

At 11.20am I arrived at the place where I'm playing, ready to be let in at 11.30am. I was still waiting at 11.50am, and there was no sign of anybody. I walked down to the museum (also to be visited) and saw the head of the volunteers and two others. He told me that the council had just phoned to say they would be arriving at 4pm instead. Afterwards he rang the person who was supposed to have let me in, and that person was a couple of miles away. If the call had only just come from the council, the person wouldn't have had time to travel that far.
The council are a bunch of cunts for fucking people around like that.
The head of the volunteers is a cunt for lying to me.
The person who should have let me in is a cunt for not bothering to meet me at the time we'd agreed.
They are all cunts for not bothering to let me know.
However I will play this afternoon for my own benefit. It will save me having to move my keyboard in the morning. Also I refuse to behave in the same shabby way as others do.

Soon

I've got the boring bit coming up shortly, namely the walking of the keyboard ceremony. That involves two trips between home and the place where I am playing. The first trip is whewre I take the stand and accessoriees, and afterwards I go back for the keyboard itself. It also involves doors, gates, corridors and stairs at both ends. Yawn.

Another fact

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_18_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNH6vG3ePzAmCXgT0HlFLJq-pIXL7Q&cid=52778745489838&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.jpost.com%2FBreaking-News%2FSaudi-court-gives-death-penalty-to-man-who-renounced-his-Muslim-faith-392006&ei=Ek3sVIiyJoKXjAaRoYHwCQ&sig2=-x1jeWgCAZTTr14n0mzg9Q&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=-4065746056635460244&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

In Saudi Arabia another person has been sentenced to death for renouncing Islam. If it wasn't for the oil, I'm sure our governments would have taken a different stand on that country. It's sickening.

And again

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_11_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNG3ikw7wIABwJ4plZWPU-A6kJCIGw&cid=52778747648182&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thelocal.fr%2F20150224%2Ffrench-jewish-and-muslim-leaders-crif-boubakeur&ei=Ek3sVIiyJoKXjAaRoYHwCQ&sig2=69AAvJSAc-zd4Gcko86OvQ&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=-3413191675752420438&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

Here is a story about a certain religion, again refusing to address the unacceptable behaviour of some of its believers. Instead, its representatives take the sadly predictable path of refusing to discuss the issue. It really gets on my nerves.

Sleep

http://t.co/o67F0lXTTV?fb_ref=Default

The issues I've always had with sleep are very common among autistic people. I'm glad that I saw this article. It makes a nice change from me whingeing on about how tired I am.

An event and a non-event

This morning we have English Heritage visiting us, which is why I'm all togged up. I feel ready to play, and am starting to look forward to it.
On Sunday someone spoke to me about the possibility of my playing Spanish harpsichord musis at their flamenco night. Since yesterday the person has contacted me twice with different arrangements. I simply can't cope with all these last-minute changes. I've decided that I won't go. I'll stay indoors instead.

This morning

I'm wearing my 'new' green suit, the one that I bought in the charity shop the day before yesterday, that is. It's very nicely cut and feels so comfortable. The trousers feel a bit tight round the waist though. That's not the trousers' fault. When I go through periods of depression, my digestive system often goes on strike, and I'm feeling a bit bloated at the moment. Both it and the trousers will be fine.

Last night

I felt bored by the time I arrived home, so spent some time reading more of the Walford, this time about Greenwich, Lee and Lewisham. There were some really interesting bits, such as a description of Greenwich Fair in the 1840s. Other parts of it were strange. The Victorians had a different concept of 'scholarly research' than we have nowadays. At one point Walford waxes lyrical with such ridiculous notions as Anne Boleyn wandering around Greenwich Park sniffing hawthorn blossom, and then supposing what she must have been thinking. Walford frequently states things as 'facts', which are actually based on someone else's suppositions. Nevertheless he is a very engaging writer, and a thoroughly good read.

A real bargain

Yesterday I found a lovely suit in one of the charity shops. On the rail was written the notice (the spelling is authentic) 'Mens suit's four pounds'. When I took it to the counter, the assistant commented that someone had removed the price tag. She looked somewhat bewildered, before letting me have it for three quid.

Tonight

I'm going to have a quiet night in, as usual. I think I probably need it after yesterday, and need to make sure I'm feeling my best for tomorrow.

Now

I'm still walking round with yesterday's hangover. I enjoyed last night, but will be much more careful in future. I don't drink like I used to (well, most of the time).

Tomorrow night

I won't be playing after all. It seems the person I spoke to yesterday was talking through his glass. Never mind though. It's nice to be asked.

Earlier on

After the exhausting schlep of getting my keyboard home, I went back to the library to have another session on the computers. I was out of luck, as all the machines remained in use for the hour that I waited there. Never mind. The service is excellent, so I have no complaints.

A little levity

Nothing like a bit of mirth to start the day!

Today

I need to collect my keyboard from the pub at lunchtime (groan). I'm getting too old for all this carrying around lark. I often wish I played the tin whistle instead.
Early this afternoon I'm giving my first lesson at home on the piano. I think Nina will be watching. Afterwards it's the rest of the lessons as usual.
Tomorrow also looks like it's going to be busy. Harpsichording for English Heritage at lunchtime, and probably harpsichording again tomorrow night. Inside I feel quite excited about it. At last I'm becoming known for what I'm really good at, which is something very important for me.
Something I enjoy about playing is that it allows me to be present, while preventing my from engaging in any unwanted conversation.

Last night

I'm not used to strong cider anymore. I woke up this morning feeling the effects of three and a half pints of the stuff, which quantity used to be well within my limits. I'm not grumbling though; I enjoyed myself last night.

Just now

I've just had the dreaded interviews at the workhouse. I absolutely hate it. Never mind. Today I learned something beneficial, so at least it wasn't the usual, dreary waste of time.

A musical interlude

It was pouring with rain when I walked my keyboard to the pub. I was disappointed to find the place deserted when I arrived. Apparently the band that was supposed to have played before me didn't arrive, and the pub lost lots of business when all the customers left.
Nevertheless I played to an empty pub for an hour or so. Some customers came in later and stayed, and some of them joined in with the songs, so it turned out well in the end. I've given the pub my mobile number so they can text me in future if they want me to come earlier.
After I finished playing I got talking to someone who runs a posh bar in the old town. He's having a flamenco night tomorrow, and he asked me to play some Spanish harpsichord music.
I think I'm starting to be known for my classical stuff now. I'm really glad about that, because it's what I most enjoy.

A musical interlude

The event I'm playing at next month has just been announced, and my name features prominently on the poster. Well, not my real name, but my nickname. I would not appreciate any surprise visits from long-lost (or rather, discarded) relatives one bit. For me, the surprise would be anything but pleasant. I'm looking forward to playing there.

Just now

We had lots of visitors today at the historic building, which was a nice change. The weather has brightened up since this morning, and I think this encouraged people to be outdoors. I felt tired when I arrived, and feel even tireder now. It's not really all that surprising, when I think about it. I've just played almost continuously for three hours. That requires quite a lot of concentration.

Typical

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/feb/20/george-osborne-says-hsbc-tax-evasion-prosecutions-not-his-job

One law for the rich?

I remember these words from a music-hall song:

It's the same the whole world ove,
ain't it just a dying shame?
It's the rich wot gets the credit
and the poor wot gets the blame.

The weekend

I'm busy playing all weekend. I've got my two sessions at the historic building, then I'm at the pub tomorrow night. I know I will be fine, but I must try and pull myself together.

Moods

My mood stayes horrible and strange all day (and night). It's still the same today, but not quite so intense. However I feel my mood physically today, whereas I didn't yesterday.

Sleep

I had quite a night. I went to bed reasonably early and couldn't settle down. I was almost asleep whjen I was woken up just after 11pm by a text message. I was just settling down again when I got another one. That was tha t. Wide awake. I was very upset at the time, but am not now. My friend is a full-time carer for her very ill, elderly parents. It was probably the first chance she had to text me.
I slept badly. I woke up an one point with the palm of one hand pressing down hard on the mattress, and the hand was numb. Then I heard a woman shouting her head off at someone in one of the flats. It took me a while to settle down.
I woke up several times during the night, on account of the strange dreams I kept having. I got up feeling shattered at half past seven, half an hour after my alarm had gone off.

Weather

It had stopped raining shortly before 5.45pm, when I left the library. It started again this morning, just before I left home. Boring.

And so it continues

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F0_0_s_0_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNFrXgIPHkBS73ctzU8QwQEf5eMk_g&cid=52778744022549&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.telegraph.co.uk%2Fnews%2Fuknews%2Fcrime%2F11424884%2FThree-missing-British-schoolgirls-travel-to-Syria.html&ei=T1TnVNjlGoKXjAaRoYHwCQ&sig2=HIqyp-lNvOqxuwspJfPSOQ&rt=HOMEPAGE&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=-8943266072417301059&ssid=h&at=dt0

Who is afraid that these three persons have gone to the Middle East with malice a forethought. The only thing I'm afraid of is that the little bastards will be allowed to come back.

Again

I'm obsessively flying through the family history stuff again. I seem to have an innate genius for amassing vast quantities of useless information. Still, I don't like leaving any work incomplete. It never will be complete, when I think about it.

Just now

I've just had a situation I found very difficult, although I coped. When I went out for a smoke, someone with issues (mental health, or drink, or drugs, or something else) came and asked me for a fag. I gave him some tobacco and a paper to roll one. He then gave me a hard time, complaining about how much I'd given him, and asked for mine too. He stood right up against me. I told him that if I'd known he'd react like that, I wouldn't have given him any. I'm shaking.

A fashion icon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTGW3VLDZGo

What a dish.

Now

...and it's still raining. Yesterday was so bright and springlike. Today couldn't be more difficult. The weather's a cunt.

Today

I haven't got a busy day today, since I've decided not to give any more time steam-cleaning clothes at the charity shop. I already volunteer three days a week at the other place. I want to be paid for what I do, and paid properly, so that I won't have to claim benefits.

Moods

I felt distracted and agitated when I went to bed. I put on a cd of Stratonice (1792) by Mehul, one of those French revolutionary things with monotonously predictable and simple harmonies, in order to try and settle down.
This morning I'm going through one of those tornado-type things, all thoughts and memories all going round at once; this time combined with the Blasco de Nebra piece I'm learning. It feels as if my brain is being scoured.
I know I will come out of this at some point, so it's just a case of hanging on and being patient.

Weather

Most of yesterday was bright and sunny, but it had already started raining by the time I left the library. The rain continued all night, and still shows no sign of stopping. Never mind.

Yesterday

I didn't go straight home from the library, but walked around for an hour or so first. I didn't fancy eating when I got in, so spent over two hours updating the family tree. By the time I'd finished I was really hungry. I'd actually been all day without eating anything. Then my computer went berserk, and I had to run the file repair programme. Meanwhile my baked beans had burned to the saucepan and the frozen chips were overcooked. I shoved a meat pie in the microwave, and it came out looking like an anaemic and deformed cow pat. I didn't fancy watching anything afterwards, so read some more of the Walford, this time about St Giles-in-the-Fields.

Autism stuff

http://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2013/03/acute-anxiety-in-adults-with-aspergers.html

It's good to see some useful information targeted at adults for a change. Most of the stuff is aimed at kids and their parents.

The time of year

Looking out of the window, I've noticed that it's still not quite dark. A couple of months ago it was already dark by four o'clock. It's such an improvement.

Tonight

It'll be another quiet one, doing nothing in particular. I expect I'll defrost some of the food I froze yesterday. I can't be bothered with anything more adventurous.

Grim news

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-31540281

This person has just been found guilty of plotting to behead a soldier. What is the matter with this religion?

Today

I think this must be a world record for me. I've just realised that I've spent the whole day sat in front of a computer, having churned out masses and masses of genealogical data. I'm sure it's completely useless, but I want the tree up to date.

A thought

One thing about this family history nonsense is that it keeps me pretty much orf the fags. I've smoked very littlre today, and the ones I have had seem much stronger than usual.

Alert

The scrotes are back, and in full form; even louder and more foul-mouthed than usual. It's grim. I pity their poor teachers.

Now

I'm back on the family history again. I must be bored to spend time doing something I'm no longer all that interested in.

This morning

I've just been out for a fag. The sun is warm today, but the breeze is cold. I really enjoy looking at the sea, even when the weather is evil. Here are a couple of photos I took this morning. Aren't I lucky living in such a lovely place!

The foreseeable future

I've got a very quiet Thursday and Friday this week. That'll make a nice change, as this time I don't feel as ill as I have done. I'm a bit out of sorts, but don't feel as ghastly as I did. I'm going to take the plunge and have a haircut later. My hair is still short compared to how I used to have it, but I want the full monty. It might even cheer me up a bit. I don't fancy it today, but I'm hoping I'll feel like going for a walk tomorrow.

Weather

We're lucky today. We've got blue skies and sunshine, and it seems to be getting milder again. It was cold last night though. I had to keep my bedroom window closed.

Sleep

I thought I'd slept soundly until I saw my bedding. By the look of it, I must have walked miles in my sleep. I woke up full of catarrh and with a sore throat. Coffee and fags soon shifted that.

Last night

I couldn't face the curry again, so I bagged it in portions for the freezer. Instead I had a lavish meal of sausages, beans and mash. My appetite wasn't great so I only ate part of it. I ate the cold leftovers later on. I put on a good adaptation of Little Dorrit but read Walford's account of old Westminster from London Recollected while it was on.

A repeat of yesterday

The horrible pack of scrotes are back at the library. Why are they allowed out without adult supervision? I can only imagine their parents are just the same as they are, only older and nastier. It's a terrifying thought that these dregs will be allowed to have children at some point (that's if they haven't already produced some) and to vote. I do despair.

News

The news is depressing. It always is. I can't get my head round the terrible things people do to each other. What I struggle with even more, is why they do these things. I don't get it. I must stop reading the news. It's too upsetting.

Later on

After the library I need to get a couple of bits from the supermarket. On the way home I'll pop into the pub; not for a drink, but just to confirm Sunday's arrangement. Afterwards it'll be a quiet one, with reading and dvds.

Scientific fact

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_15_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNF7Nl-5krmph_omzm7myeBmcRtntw&cid=52778741260466&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.telegraph.co.uk%2Fnews%2Fworldnews%2Fmiddleeast%2Fsaudiarabia%2F11419428%2FWatch-Saudi-cleric-tells-students-Earth-does-not-rotate.html&ei=RLTkVMCFE4v5iAbuwoGoBQ&sig2=Wm1LwfPzbFuE6MEO2MmQog&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=-1547596019915754120&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

Here you go. Religion proves its wisdom yet again, by claiming the sun orbits round the earth, and the latter doesn't rotate. It makes me so sad that I want to cry.

Now

It's invasion of the chavs time. There they are wheeling themselves around the room on computer chairs. I suppose you can't really blame them. It's the most intelligent activity they are capable of coming up with all by themselves. It's always painfully evident when half term comes around.

Earlier on

In between playing Elizabethan music when there were visitors, I had my first go at the Blasco de Nebra sonata. There were a few thorny places, but I should have these ironed out, with plenty of time to spare before I play it in public. It's a lovely piece, and well worth learning. When the technical stuff is sorted out, it'll almost play itself.

And again

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-31515143

Another sad news story from a country controlled by a certain religion.

Now

I'm not myself. When I stood up after playing my legs felt tingly, and I was a little light-headed. My head's ok now but the legs are still tingling, and I feel very tired.

Just now

The playing went well. We shut early today because there weren't many visitors. On Tuesday the building will be closed to the public, but I will play when we are visited by English Heritage at lunchtime.

Autism; what's it like?

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=3&cad=rja&uact=8&sqi=2&ved=0CDMQFjAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.webmd.com%2Fbrain%2Ffeatures%2Funderstanding-autism-symptoms%3Fpage%3D2&ei=lm_kVJ7lKsLO7gaXp4HQCQ&usg=AFQjCNE5axARI2yog_pl_jBingI9x-MIcg&sig2=3UYAQC-VW1HYQcJ6nHIQtQ

I've just had one of those who am I? trains of thought, and found this excellent article online. The parts that immediately jump out at me are the sections on noise, communication, touch and socialisation.
Noise and sound have a serious effect on me, and can quickly drive me to the point of exploding.
I am highly articulate, except when it comes to expressing how I feel. I find this easier in writing, hence my blog.
I hate being touched by people I don't know well, and also hate too close proximity of such people.
I tend to be on my own most of the time. I have learned to be more comfortable in a social setting, but at a distance, and not too often.
I have some repetitive behaviours that I don't know I'm doing until I'm doing them. Firstly I play the piano on my knees. Secondly my right knee goes up and down when I'm seated. These always happen when I'm deep in thought.
There are all sorts of things I recognise about my life. I only wish I'd known sooner.

A musical interlude

Yesterday afternoon I decided that I wanted to play the piano when I got home. When I got home I didn't feel able to. There are too many thoughts and memories going round in my head. I spent ages looking at it, and kept on doing so all evening. I will play before long though. Next week I will start giving one of my lessons on it, just as my friend did once upon a time. I think she would have been delighted to see me teaching on it.

Why?

I've just read about an autistic teenager, whose facebook account was closed down because he was using a different name. If identity theft is not an issue, I don't understand what the problem is. I use a different name, albeit a totally ridiculous one. Part of the name is the nickname given to me by my local friends. Also I will have nothing to do with my family, and I don't want them to know anything about me.

Our friends

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_1_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNF1nu1nEMrCj2viBjPk3IiQvJHeVQ&cid=52778741218433&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailymail.co.uk%2Fnews%2Farticle-2958044%2FDon-t-forget-1-billion-gave-Tsunami-Prime-Minister-Tony-Abbott-s-ditch-attempt-save-lives-Andrew-Chan-Myuran-Sukumaran-execution.html&ei=-2XkVIjcGOnhigbty4CABA&sig2=9S_hgY7rnyqOqDWuKy6P3w&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=8708293320185998701&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

Murder is wrong, whether committed by a state or by an individual. The fact that we ally ourselves with countries where capital punishment is practiced, is truly shocking. You'd think that people should know better.

And again

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-leeds-31515848

And another example of behaviour derived from 'peaceful' religious beliefs. Isn't it time for a little honesty, rather than pandering to the political correctness lobby?

Economical with the truth?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-31515556

The number of unemployed people in this country has apparently fallen. I wonder. I wonder how many of those people have just been disallowed from claiming benefits, for whatever reason. I also wonder how many of them have moved into part-time employment, and still need to claim benefits in order to survive. Aren't governments cynical.

And again

http://wapo.st/1vTFtk3

Yet another act of violence from someone who believes in a certain religion (you know, the one that says its message is of peace).

Now

I'm dressed smartly, ready for my harpsichording session later on this morning. I've got the new piece with me, so I can have plenty of chances to play it through, ready for next month's event.

Last night

I was bored. I cooked a curry, which I found just as boring as usual. I watched some of the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes. I got bored with these too, so read part of Walford's London Recollected while the films were on. I read about Hackney, one of the most boring places I know. What a boring night.

Weather

I woke up to a beautiful, bright and sunny day, although it's been noticeably colder since last night. I had a walk along the front before making my way to the library. The people who were waiting outside were standing there complaining about the weather. Yes, complaining. What do they expect? Giraffes and palm trees? Miserable cunts.

Update

Back at the library now. There has been a sudden infestation of chavs. I must sound like a terrible snob. It's not their 'class' or background that I'm talking about, but their loutish behaviour. It doesn't do anything to help my depression. In fact it makes me sad.

Now

I'm feeling very tired indeed, and my joints are aching. I don't know if all the travelling of last weekend has done it, or if it's the tail end of the flu, or both. I'll need to shop and cook later, so I must try and pull myself together.

Cheerful

It's been a beautiful day. The sky is still cloudless and bright blue, and it's warm out of the shade. I wish I could be as cheerful as that.

Pointless

Sometimes I don't know what's the matter with me. Just now I spent time reading about The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and The Avengers, popular tv series from when I was young. The stupid thing is that I didn't like these programmes, and still don't. I don't know why I bothered. I'm not even remotely interested in them.

In the library

The scrotes were really getting to me. They were behaving like a pack of wild animals. I could feel the temper building up inside me. The trouble is that I didn't know what to say to them, or how I should say it. I am so grateful that the little bastards have finally got up and left. I don't like being surrounded by them, and I don't like them reading what's on my screen. It's all such a massive intrusion. I am troubled by people's proximity to me, and they were much too close.

More news

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-manchester-31502980

Two teenagers have apparently been taken in charge concerning terrorism offences. I wonder which religion they claim to profess.

Inspiration

I always buy my cigarette filters in the 99p shop. Yesterday they'd sold out of the ones I generally buy. All they had was regular size (which are about the same diameter as the thick end of a snooker cue), or extra-long slimline ones (to use less tobacco). I bought the latter, got out the nail scissors, and cut them all in half. Not bad eh? I got five hundred filters for just under a quid!

Now

It's half-term alright. The library is infested with young scrotes, talking very dirty. It does make me feel very uncomfortable indeed.

The coach journey

This time it was much more successful than usual. It started badly; the coach I'd booked a ticket on didn't arrive. I found out later that it had broken down, and got the next one over two hours later. In the event I missed the connection to where I was going. On the way there, I was worried most of the time when I got the first coach. I had been told that the coach was fully booked from a town halfway to London. I expected to be booted off the coach when we arrived at that town. Luckily one person didn't turn up so I was safe. When we arrived at London I enquired about a later coach. There was only one later coach, and I managed to get the last available seat on it.
I kept my earplugs in the whole way, so managed to block out all the babbling. Also it prevented the person in the next seat from talking to me. A result!

Music, for a change

Getting ready for bed last night, and having the hump, I put on a cd of instrumental music by Thomas Tallis. I find these pieces for viol consort particularly annoying, and nowhere as good as his choral works. Looking back I seem to have picked the music to match my mood.

Some autistic stuff

http://t.co/wyFJyTRyaM

Why do autistic people love animals? I fucking well hate pets. Trust me to be different.

Yet more music

Some years ago I had a book called 'Early Keyboard Sonatas'. This was a collection of keyboard sonatas by obscure composers. The editing was very heavy-handed and inappropriate, and the finished product looked like the very worst excesses of the Associated Board in former times. Among these gems was a g minor sonata by  Manuel Blasco de Nebra (1750-84), which I particularly enjoyed. He was once the organist at Seville Cathedral, but very little is known about him. Only thirty works of his are known to survive. I've recently re-obtained the score, as well as a that of a beautiful sonata in f# minor, and intend to play these at the event next month. The music is quirky and very expressive. His harmonic invention is at times startling. Some of the bass lines are quite rudimentary, but all that is needed.

A decision

I've decided that I'm not going to do any more voluntary work at the charity shop on Fridays. I'm sick and tired of being expected to work for nothing. What possible use is steam-cleaning clothes to me? I have a degree for fuck sake, and fully intend to use it. I've also decided that I'm not going to apply for any more part-time jobs. When I work I'm going to pay my own rent and pay my own  way. What is the point of working, if one still depends on the Social Security to survive?

Later on

Because I was out of town, I've arranged to do the lessons today instead of yesterday. On the way I'm going to have another dip into the charity shops. I'm on the lookout for flat caps, as usual.

Confused (not any more)

I'm having a little chuckle to myself. Someone I used to know socially used to come to me in confidential mode, bewailing their lot, complaining about the person they played for, saying how they hated it, and how unappreciated they felt. That flies completely in the face of the facts of the matter, ie those facts that are advertised about what the person is actually doing, and has been planning with the person that they were so unhappy working for.
If I ever again hear someone telling me that someone is a nice person, I'm going to give their face such a wallop. Ain't it shite. Are everyone's acquaintances such cunts, or is it me who attracts them?

A little levity

This cheered me up!

Food

My brother really looked after me while I was there. I ate much more than usual, both in terms of quantity and regularity. The food was of a much better quality than I cook for myself. I went shopping with him and was frightened by the bill. For the one shop, he spent nearly as much as my weekly income. Even when I'm earning properly, I don't ever intend to spend that much. I expect I'll carry on eating mince most of the time.

News

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_13_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNFN8aKDntOiPF4YR50yxODix140PQ&cid=52778741494740&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.independent.co.uk%2Fnews%2Fworld%2Feurope%2Fcopenhagen-shootings-part-of-city-evacuated-after-suspect-package-outside-cafe-10050622.html&ei=8CLjVJDKK8KhiQaCyIBI&sig2=AB_XRIzH1PqJo1g-wsaiKA&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=-1876784508020045093&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

Are intelligent people really supposed to believe that this religion is one of peace? All the evidence seems to make a bare-faced lie of that supposition. Why can't its believers be more forthcoming with the truth? Why can't they tell us that this religion kills those who do not believe in it? Why can't they tell us that this religion kills and maims those who do not follow its laws? Why?

People

I'm getting a little bit better at working people out. The trouble is, I can only do it in hindsight. I wish I could do it with foresight instead. That would be so much more useful.

Last night

My mood was unsettled when I arrived home. I couldn't be bothered to cook, as I didn't really fancy anything. I watched a documentary on Indian Saddhus. What a load of shite. All I saw was people with mental health issues taking drugs and talking bilge. I don't understand how 'intelligent' people can possibly believe that rubbish. Afterwards I annoyed myself even further, by watching genealogy programmes about obnoxious 'personalities'. I went to bed with the hump.

Weather

Yesterday it was much milder than it has been for a long time. In fact it was so mild that I slept with the window open, which I haven't done for at least a month. Today it's sunny and bright, and the sun feels warm. Let's hope that spring is just around the corner.

Another musical interlude

When I got home I spent a lot of time thinking and looking at the piano. I did the same thing this morning. I don't feel ready to play it yet, but will  try this evening when I go home.

A musical interlude

I'm busy this week; Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday at the historic building, and Sunday night at the pub. That's more like it. I'm sure (or rather I hope) it won't be too long until I get some meaningful paid work. What I mean is that I want to be paid at the proper rate for what I do.

How am I

I feel shattered today. I think part of it is down to all the hours I spent travelling home yesterday. Also I haven't got rid of my cough yet, and woke up a few times during the night, feeling as if my chest and throat were full of iron filings. On balance, though, I feel much better than I did last week.

The weekend

I went to visit my brother and had a lovely time. It poured with rain the whole time (except for a few hours on the Saturday), but this didn't prevent me from going for a long walk in the very muddy countryside. I needed that break.

Shortly

It'll be time for a trip to the supermarket, to get something to eat for on the journey. I've already brought a substantial amount of fruit, but that won't be enough. I can't usually go for long periods without eating, like I used to. In fact I'm feeling hungry now. I'm sure I can't be hungry really. It's probably just because I'm thinking about food.

This morning

I was up at 6am, and had already been awake for about an hour. I took some photos of the bright pink sunrise. What I also did was forgot my cable, so I can't upload the photos until after the weekend. I'm feeling particularly dozy nowadays, and keep doing annoying and stupid things like this.

Now

The coughing has stopped, I hope for the last time. It's cold, damp and grey outside, and rain is threatened for later on. I don't mind that too much, as I'm going to spend eight hour either on, or waiting for coaches. I like looking out of the window when I travel, but I've brought some music to read in case I get bored. It's something I want to play at the event in March, and I haven't played it before.

My own fault

No sooner than I noted that the cough had stopped, the bloody thing has started again with a vengeance. Me and my big mouth.

An autistic teacher

I was overwhelmed when I received the piano yesterday. I still am, however I'm starting to have lucid memories of all sorts of things in connection with it.
Some decades ago I taught a number of kids to play the piano. It got to the point where I was teaching them grade five, when all I had was grade four. It was a complete lack of self-confidence that prevented me from proceeding with the grades, but eventually I decided I ought to do something about it. I had a word with my friend Nina, and I taught myself the grade six pieces in the space of about a month. Then I taught myself the grade eight pieces in six weeks. I got a fantastic result for grade six (141/150), but just scraped through grade eight (100/150, the pass mark). By the time I came to grade eight though, I wasn't eating regularly and didn't have the fare to the examination centre, so walked the four miles each way. I was already tired by the time I reached the centre, and had grown to hate the pieces.
I then taught myself grade eight in both recorder and theory of music. I took these a couple of months later, and got good results for both.
In the meanwhile Nina had been nagging (I use the word kindly) me to go for a university degree. Of course I hadn't the confidence, and was convinced that both my playing and knowledge were not up to scratch. However I signed up for a third-year music course with the Open University, because it ws to be discontinued the following year. I got a distinction for that course, and for the following OU course, and left university with a first class honours degree.
In the meanwhile I had discontinued teaching. In those days I only charged £5.00 for an hour's lesson. This was another example of my lack of confidence letting me down. I should have charged considerably more.
Even so, I had been messed about so often with people cancelling without telling me, just so they could go out, or people not paying me. That's why I stopped.
Confidence is still my biggest weakness. I think that is why I haven't been able to make my degree work for me.
If it weren't for Nina's piano I wouldn't have done any of these things.

Sleep

I coughed on and off all day. It got worse as the day progressed, and I kept waking up coughing. I was still coughing this morning, but the hot bath seems to have stopped it (I hope it's not temporarily).

Last night

I didn't fancy cooking much so I made an Indian potato thing, defrosted a meat curry, and boiled some rice. I ate the lot. I watched a couple of documentaries then went to bed.

Weather

It's been dull, cold and damp all day. It's lovely, though, to note that it's still broad daylight outside. It's so much more cheerful than all that winter darkness.

News

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-31441351

If this story is true, then the man's an even bigger cunt than he would have been otherwise.

Shortly

I hate cough medicine with a passion. Still I think it's time to bite the bullet and go and get some. While I'm at it, I'll get a few things to make something soupy with, and see if I can sweat it out again. It's my own fault for not having soup last night.

This lunchtime

I did some good hard thinking. Life can be a right cunt sometimes, but of course I know that no situation is entirely bad. As horrible as a situation is, there is always a lesson to bring forward with you afterwards. The difficult thing is knowing how to use what one has learned.

Now

The fatigue is definitely creeping up on me. I've still got that wretched appointment in a short while. After that I'll have a simple dinner, and try and get plenty of sleep. Luckily my coach isn't too early tomorrow.

This afternoon

I have some local friends that I haven't seen for a little while. Today they invited me over for dinner next week. The most important thing is that it'll be lovely to see them. Also she's a fantastic cook. I can't wait.

Tonight

It will be a quiet one for a change. Unusually I might read or watch some dvds. Apart from that I'll need to pack some things, ready for going up to my brother's in the morning.

Now

I feel worse than I did yesterday, but not as bad as I did before that. I don't feel very clever. For example I needed to get some money from the cash point, but didn't remember until after I'd passed it three times and had to go back. Come on. Buck your ideas up.

Why?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-31435934

The person in the photo is to become a vice-admiral next week. I have a question: on what grounds? Is this just another of those token titles that entail a pay rise, or does he actually intend to do some work?

This afternoon

I've got an appointment that I am really not looking forward to. Still, when needs must. It's crap though. Why couldn't it have waited until I feel better?

Last night

I lost my appetite again and couldn't face soup, so I had ham rolls and (frozen) chips. I left most of it. I coughed badly last night and couldn't settle down. I read the section on Marylebone from Walford's London Recollected, then watched a short programme about Hattie Jacques. When I went to bed I slept soundly most of the time. I woke up this morning feeling quite poorly again.

Earlier on

This morning, the piano was delivered that used to belong to a close friend. Of course I'm happy to see it. I gave it a bit of tlc when it arrived, and positioned it near the corner of my front room. It does seem strange though. The last time I played it was to practice for a very sad occasion. Those memories are still very much with me. That's the thing with my type of autism. It's always the last experience, or conversation, that stays with you, until the next time. Memories and thoughts of a large part of my life have come flooding back all at once. My brain is in overdrive. I tried to play one of my friend's favourite pieces, but felt very apprehensive. I expect it may seem strange, but I almost felt like I was prying. I know that these thoughts will reconcile themselves at some point, but play I will. My friend would have loved that, and I know she would have wanted me to have her aunt's piano.

Now

I've had some good news. I'd been asked to play for a local event next month. I'd expected the organisers to want the old pub songs but they don't. They've asked me to play harpsichord music, particularly the stuff I do at the local historic building. I'm delighted to be asked to play the things I like most, for a change.

Tonight

I'm going to have a quiet night for a change. Unusually I might watch some dvds or read for a bit. I'm starting to feel worn out just thinking of it.

The visit

I'm travelling up to see my brother on Friday. It's a gruelling eight-hour trip in each direction. There are only two things I'm worried about:

1) being stuck next to someone who won't stop talking

2) being penned in by some fat bastard

I'm going to try something new this time. I'll get on the coach when it's already quite full, so I can try and find somewhere that doesn't look too threatening.

Typical

This morning I walked down to the seafront with my camera. The masses of seaweed were crawling with wildfowl, so I took lots of photos. The trouble is that the buggers are so well camouflaged, that it's difficult to see them. When I looked at my photos, all I could see was piles of seaweed. Trust me. Who else could that happen to?

Looking back

It's funny how we change. I say 'we' when I probably mean 'I'. I don't know whether other people are the same or not.
I remember times when I thought I was happy. It's only with hindsight that I realise I wasn't. What I mean is, I felt happy because, for example,  I was able to play the role that others expected of one. With hindsight I think I felt happy because I managed to cope with that, albeit temporarily.
I'm not sure if I like being who I am. In a way I'm not even sure it matters. It makes no difference to things. However being myself is the only thing I know. I don't know if I want to be someone different. I don't know what being someone else is like. I might not like that either.
My natural state is not one of blissful happiness. It's more a case of trying to find some sort of balance or stability. It's also about leaving myself enough room, so I'm not completely overwhelmed by other people. It's also about trying to realise what I actually want, which I don't know most of the time. It's about not feeling pressure to always conform with what other people want. It's about finding an environment where being oneself is not an issue.

Poor NHS

http://leaderlive.co.uk/news/144127/maternity-care-is-downgraded-at-glan-clwyd-hospital.aspx

This is Glan Clwyd Hospital, Rhyl, Wales. Apparently they have staffing issues, and have consequently downgraded their maternity care services as a result. By the way there were also staffing issues when my friend died there, as a result of medical negligence. The hospital admitted liability. This hospital is in the news more often than I am sure it would like to be. It's not the staff's fault. They work hard. What needs to be addressed is how the place is managed, and how it is resourced. It's very sad.

Our friends?

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_18_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNGP2MOkAlAPKlrkSTM1-j-ae3Qfyw&cid=52778733762711&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.independent.co.uk%2Fnews%2Fworld%2Fasia%2Fanwar-ibrahim-malaysian-government-under-fire-as-opposition-leader-is-jailed-for-sodomy-10038759.html&ei=02XbVMCXDcKhiQb26oGIAw&sig2=KGHvxBspoa9i1Zl8q4Xcug&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=1739626390560942377&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

Malaysia is considered a 'moderate' muslim country. Actually there is no such thing. It has just arrested a journalist for criticising the regime in its treatment of Anwar Ibrahim. In line with its religious beliefs, not only does the regime punish homosexuality, but also punishes those who dare to criticise it. Moderate indeed.

Good news

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_19_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNEl3VeLzrPNALlrmtcRVCqyoI_HXA&cid=52778736413157&url=http%3A%2F%2Fgulfnews.com%2Fnews%2Fgulf%2Fsaudi-arabia%2Fprince-charles-raises-flogging-case-with-saudi-king-1.1455339&ei=02XbVMCXDcKhiQb26oGIAw&sig2=WEp4Jmj_an3-vfVMc-cuRw&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=7043681180976536472&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

Well done Prince Charles, for raising the subject of Raif Badawi with the Saudi royalty. I don't suppose the man will be there long enough, to raise all the other human rights issues too.

Food

I'm convinced that yesterday's broth helped me to feel better. Tonight I'm going to strain the remainder and cook some red lentils in it. I expect the result to be equally as therapeutic.

How am I?

I really do feel much better today. Gone are the temperature, headache and muscle pains, but I still have quite a cough, and keep sneezing. Even so, it's nice to have the feeling of fresh air going up the nose, rather than nothing.

Just now

I've just finished my harpsichording stint. I found it much easier to play today, but unfortunately we only had three visitors. I don't suppose the cold, dark, damp weather helped much. It's nasty out there.

A musical interlude

I'm looking forward to harpsichording at the local historic building this morning. What I'm not looking forward to is carrying my keyboard (and the bits and pieces that go with it) from my place to there. Oh well, chin up and best foot forward, as they say.

A surprise

Last night I had a lovely surprise when my nephew phoned me out of the blue. He's not my blood relation, but my ex's. He, his mother and I have always been family to each other. I've known his mum since she was carrying him, and he's nearly thirty-two now.
I hadn't been in touch for quite a while. Part of it was to do with confidence, and part of it was me doubting myself. In my mind, the train of thought was something like 'stand back and leave them alone to get on with their lives'.
We had a really nice talk, and spoke for ages. I'm really proud of the person he has grown up to be. I wish he wouldn't work as many hours as he currently does. However this shouldn't be so necessary once they've moved house.
They plan to visit me once they have moved, and I'll go back to London with them to see their new place. I'm sure that last night's chat went a long way to making me feel better.

Last night

I made some soup with green lentils, root veg and a bacon bone with a lot of meat on it. It was worth the wait. I could feel it doing me some good, which is more than I can say for the stuff I was watching. They are good documentaries, only I've seen them a bit too often lately.

In the foreseeable future

Tomorrow I'm playing at the historic building. On Thursday morning my piano is being delivered. On Thursday afternoon I'm due for the weekly walk, but that'll depend on whether I feel strong enough, and whether I think I'm still contageous. If I still feel this rough on Thursday I'll email my brother to see if he still wants me to visit him on Friday. I don't know what to do about the charity shop. This will have been the third Friday I didn't attend. I don't know why I bother worrying about it. It's one of those jobs I do because I'm expected to, and I'm also expected to do it for nothing. But worry I do. It's what I always do.

In the meanwhile

It was too busy at the library for me to be allowed more time, so I sloped orf to the supermarket. I found a good bacon bone, so I'll have lentil soup for dinner. I think that'll really do me some good. I also bought some under-ripe bananas. I ate a couple of them and felt my body temperature go down. That's a result.

Fed up

I've just been online. The burger joint doesn't have any customer service positions advertised (the manager told me there was one). Instead they have a part-time vacancy for one person behind the counter. It's  rubbish. I'm not applying for part-time. I don't have a mother to live with, and need to pay my rent.

Nothing ventured...

I've just been into the local posh hotel, where I'm told they have full-time and part-time receptionist vacancies. Having written on my cv 'full-time receptionist position' as requested yesterday, and having asked for the duty manager, also as requested, the receptionist told me there was no manager on duty, and that only part-time positions were available. I handed her my cv and left. I could have worn my jeans and hoodie for that.
Afterwards I went to the plastic hamburger place, where the duty manager accepted my cv. Now all they are waiting for is an online application, which I'm about to do.
I don't feel at all enthusiastic about either of the jobs.

Just now

I sense an improvement. I went into the local hamburger joint. I ate the following without feeling sick: plastic hamburger with plastic cheese, plastic tomato sauce, plastic mustard, plastic gherkin and cotton wool roll, and a portion of ready-salted plywood chips. I must have a cast iron constitution. What I haven't been able to do yet, is to feel able to put on a genial, smiley face for the local businesses. I'll do that during this afternoon.

Language

I read this yesterday (a man of letters writing about a quack herbalist in the Eighteenth Century). The beautiful language cheered me up:

The Doctor is a wag. His farce is physic, and his physic a farce is.

Lovely!

Later on

After I've done me bit in the High Street, I'll return to the library for a bit. Afterwards I'll go straight home, get the glad rags off, and retire to the sofa. I really need a rest.

Soon

I'm all dressed up in a suit and tie, and plan to drop my cv in to two local businesses. It's a pity I can't wear a hoodie and jeans, which I find much more comfortable.

Just now

For about thirty years I've owned an antique Chinese plate. I want to sell it, so have spent ages online looking for Emperor and Dynasty marks. Trust me to be different. I can't find anything exactly like mine. I think I'll ask around.

A musical interlude

I had some good news this morning. There is going to be an event to promote our town in March, and the organisers have asked me to play for it. I'm really pleased that they asked me.

Now

I don't feel any better than I did at the weekend. I certainly feel a lot tireder. I suppose it's my own fault for pushing myself so hard.

Last night

I spent the late afternoon onwards on the sofa under a duvet. I kept nodding off, while doing my best to ignore the dvds I had on. The next thing I woke up after 3am, got out of bed to switch off the lights, and went back to the sofa. It wasn't a very comfortable night. I did nothing but cough, and I'm still overheating without sweating. I got up late, feeling as if I'd spent the night face upwards on a slagheap.

Tonight

Dare I say it, it's going to be another quiet one. I don't feel like reading, nor do I feel like watching anything. I'll make a bed up on the sofa, and may or may not do one or both.

Done

The idiot is still talking away, regardless of being spoken to by a librarian and several of the users. Selfish git. Against that wall of noise, combined with my general unwell-ness, I managed to get the letter written. Why are people so selfish? Libraries used to be places where one came for peace and quiet.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

This cunt is back in the library. As usual he's been talking loudly in Russian on Skype for ages and shows no sign of stopping. Selfish bastard.

A musical interlude

Last night I played to a packed house, and didn't have to worry about a single person or thing. That was a lovely experience, and hitherto unknown to myself for quite some time. That's what it ought to be like. Completely stress-free, allowing me to enjoy the night too. I'm so glad that I've landed on my feet, however precariously. That booking has convinced me that there are plenty of other people who like what I do. While I was talking to the landlord after I'd finished, a man walked over to me and said the following:

I'm down from London and it's the first time I've ever been in here. I really enjoyed myself. Those were all the songs I like singing.

That was quite a compliment.

Outrageous

http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/02/08/us-britain-protest-islam-idUSKBN0LC0VE20150208

Here they are again, exploiting freedom of speech (a concept alien to that culture) in order to prevent others from exercising it. Shame on them.

Just now

I went for my appointment with the workhouse. As a result I'm dropping in on two local businesses in the morning with my cv. Afterwards I collected my keyboard and took it home. It's only a couple of hundred yards' walk from one end to the other, but it left me feeling shattered. Now I'm back at the library, and about to write an important letter that's now become urgent. I can't wait to lie down.

In the pipeline

Something else came out of last night. It looks like in the foreseeable future, I will be able to get a regular booking with a local charity. I'm glad I did what I did yesterday, even though my body doesn't seem to agree.

Sheer madness

What can the powers-that-be be thinking of? Are they really so naive as to believe the said woman was so popular, that the tax-payer would be glad to fork out to keep this museum open? And in such times of austerity?

Economy

I looked very smart last night. What is surprising is that everything I wore, bar the socks and underwear, came from charity shops. It just goes to show that one doesn't have to spend a fortune to look smart.

In the library

We've been overtaken by the chav community. From a distance it's a painful experience, and from close-up it's much worse.

Soon

I need to get myself ready for the trek over to the workhouse. I'm not looking forward to the walk. I'm much too tired for it, particularly when the weather's so damp and cold.

Today

I still feel really awful. I've had to cancel this afternoon's lessons, which is a great disappointment for me. I can't talk without coughing, and I don't want to infect everyone with it. I had a horrible night and slept badly. I might have been delirious, but that's only my experience of it. I felt overheated and unable to sweat, and woke up with a terrific headache and muscular pains.

Yesterday

I felt really ill all day. I got myself to the historic building and did my stuff. There were plenty of visitors, which made the whole thing much more enjoyable. Afterwards I went home, had a bath, did the laundry and made dinner.
In spite of feeling crap, I dressed myself very smartly and looked as if I were feeling great. My session at the new pub went phenomenally well. I played for three hours. What was (I am told) normally a quiet night stayed busy throughout. A group of ten-or-so people who left came back later on. The landlord has booked me to play Sundays until the end of March. The fee I've agreed is much less than I'm used to, but he has agreed to review this at the end of March. If it isn't to my satisfaction I will not continue. I will collect my keyboard this afternoon, after the second session at the workhouse.
I'm glad I got the booking. I did this all by myself, so nobody will have right to take the credit for what I do.

The man himself

I'm thinking about Prinny (aka George iv) again. I'm not being gratuitously unkind about the man. What follows is his obituary in the Times.

Later on

When I get home I'm going to do the same as I did yesterday; make a bed on the sofa, get dinner ready, and sleep whenever I want to. I'm going to be lazy for a change, and do what my body is screaming at me that I need.

A dilemma

I don't know what to eat later. Either I can heat up some of yesterday's mince with the remainder of the rice, or I can get something at the supermarket. What goes against the first idea, is that I found the meal particularly un-enjoyable. What goes against the second is that I don't feel up to cooking. What goes against both ideas is that I don't fancy anything at all.

Just now

I've just finished my stint at the historic building. My playing certainly wasn't up to standard; there were mistakes when usually there are none. Never mind. I'm glad I did it. Bearing in mind how rotten I feel, I'm not going to duff myself up about it.

Now

I feel starving hungry but still have no appetite. I know it's important that I do eat, so I'll try and have something when I leave the library. The thought of it is making my stomach turn. GROAN.

Why?

Why am I going ahead with my playing this afternoon, when my natural instincts tell me I should be taking things easy indoors? Well firstly, I'd go completely mad with only myself for company. Secondly I have my reputation to consider. My music at the historic building has become part of the visit, and it is enjoyed by visitors and staff alike. And thirdly, it is a matter of some importance to me that I play at the pub. It is putting out the message that I want to put out. Also I don't want to let the pub down on my first booking.

Spot the difference

I've been looking at these photos for hours, and I'll be buggered if I can see any difference at all.

Now

I'm really struggling to keep my eyes open. It's stupid. It's a good job that I don't need to see the keyboard when I play. I'll just have to make a point of listening out for visitors, so that my eyes will be fully open by the time they walk in.

News

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_8_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNHYawmkqNXlrOBD1rvTgeJJmJHDTQ&cid=52778731966052&url=http%3A%2F%2Fgulfnews.com%2Fnews%2Fworld%2Fusa%2Fboy-s-family-accused-of-staging-kidnapping-to-teach-danger-1.1452717&ei=x-LVVIiRMYKXjAaCpoFI&sig2=EOzUqHpPme5hPCWZfIW3vw&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=-1809186753121578664&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

What else do you expect from a bunch of fat people?

Shame

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/02/05/cathy-newman-mosque_n_6620026.html?1423219298

What was the stupid cow thinking of? Surely there is enough to address in the first place, without this woman fabricating a story. Why not try sticking to the facts? These are manifold, and speak for themselves.

A musical interlude

I'm harpsichording today and tomorrow, and pub-songing tomorrow evening. God knows how I'm going to get through it. I hate being ill. I feel it very keenly, that there isn't an 'other' to help one think, to help with everyday things, and to help one get through. I never manage to rest, which would be the best therapy, because I still need to shop, cook, and do all the necessary things. I have to go out when I need to be in bed. Hate it.

Last night

I went to bed by ten o-clock and woke up a few times. When I woke up at twenty past seven this morning the bedding was all damp, so I'm hoping the fever has broken. My joints ache this morning, but aren't painful any more. I've got a headache and feel sick, and have been struggling to keep my eyes open all morning.

Yesterday

I went to the meeting yesterday feeling really ill. I was so spaced out that I whacked my head on two sixteenth-century doorways. I could hardly keep my eyes open, so went home and made a bed on the sofa. Meanwhile I made a mincemeat stew, which turned my stomach a few times while I was cooking it. I gave myself a small portion and left most of it. I put a documentary on but fell asleep for an hour and a half.

Appalling

There's only one loo at the library. By that, of course, I mean one cubicle. The said cubicle has been out of order again for two days now. It's not the staff's fault, as they do such a good job here, but it is a health and safety risk for visitors.

Pets

I don't like cats. They're mercenary cunts. This photo made me laugh though.

Last night's viewing

You can always tell when I'm off-colour by what I watch. Last night I watched documentaries about the Monarchy between William and Mary and Victoria. They are very well made but it weren't half boring. I didn't really take much notice of them. I was just trying to take my mind off the pains.