A milestone

I am astonished to see that my blog has received over four thousand 'hits' since it started last December. I would like to thank my readers for taking an interest in my life. I'd like to thank my friends for managing to get through some uncomfortable and painful reading. I hope that by describing my feelings and experiences as truthfully as possible, I may have given hope to some people who suffer alone in silence, and have encouraged them to seek help. For those of you who work with autistic people, I hope that my writings may have given you further insight into the autistic mind. I have found that writing my blog is helping me to make some sense of my life. It has forced me to scrutinise myself without mercy. That can't be a bad thing. Thank you again.

An unusual day

Having originally got up some ten hours ago, and having gone back to bed twice, I've finally managed to get myself dressed. I still feel quite tired and odd, but much more comfortable than I did earlier. I'll have one more fag before making my dinner and going for a walk to the usual place.

A drama queen (continued)

I've just got up after a further hour and a half in bed. My mind was working furiously and kept itself busy with a whole array of lucid thoughts. When I came to I felt very comfortable, and didn't want to get out of bed. However I needed a trip to the loo and a fag, so here I am. I believe I probably did get some sleep this time, although I felt as if I were awake throughout. I've just tried a slice of the bread that I baked this morning. I'd almost forgotten how delicious home-baked bread could be.

A drama queen

I think I know why I'm feeling so grotty today. I have a certain type of fatigue that I've already experienced a couple of times lately. My brain is very tired too. I have a recollection of waking up a couple of times this morning. I had a meltdown on Saturday. I think I've had another fit. They always come a day or two after a seriously upsetting event.
I'm not going to sit here moping about it. I've learned such a lot about myself lately, and fully intend to stay focused on making sense of everything.  I need to go to the doctors to order another prescription, but I need to lie down for a bit first.

Tired

I feel really shattered today. I've just finished baking a loaf of bread and am thinking about the week. Tomorrow I am going to visit my friend from uni, and I'm really looking forward to it. On Thursday a couple of friends are coming round for dinner, and on Saturday I've got one of my scheduled singalongs. I'm off to bed now.

This morning

I've just got up again, having been in bed for an hour. I lay there being bombarded with thoughts, but I don't know whether I slept or not. It was very uncomfortable. I'm still very tired and will make my third attempt to sleep properly once my bread has finished baking.

The weather

The weather is brightening up this morning. That's enough about the weather.
I went to the pub at about 2pm yesterday. It was busy, but it was a different sort of crowd to the one on Saturday. I sat in my corner and played classical pieces. My mood was unsettled and odd and I got bored of playing, so I stopped. My brother was on duty and we had a natter after he'd finished. I started drinking earlier than usual, and that took the edge off things. The local shopkeepers came in for another singsong in the evening, and that went down very well. Then I played the funeral march from Beethoven's A flat sonata, and the customers said they enjoyed it. Some of my friends came in during the evening, so we had a chat and a laugh.
I managed about five hours of unsettled sleep and was woken up by a horrible nightmare. I'm going to try and sleep some more, in a minute.

A question

This is a question from a member of the public, that was posted on the Facebook page 'Aspergers Adult Support':

Being an adult with Asperger's, do find that your thoughts are completely different every day? Do they very depending on how your day goes? One day I can be thinking I'm confident with who I am and then depending on where I go my whole view of confidence in me crashes after being around new types of people after 2 hours. My view of the world and where I am in life completely changes.

I am affected by people in exactly the same way. It seems that I am not alone.

Bloody Aspergers again

I felt so happy yesterday. Now I feel quite shut in, and am being bombarded with both happy and uncomfortable thoughts. I will be fine. Lately I've noticed that the horrible discomfort I get after a meltdown doesn't last as long as it used to. I am optimistic. Just ride it out, old son. You'll be fine.

The hand of friendship

I had a very kind email from the pub landlord this morning, asking if I'm ok. I feel bad about that, because I don't want anyone to worry. I will explain to him what happened, when I see him. This afternoon I know that I am going to see one or two people that I really don't want to see, but I'll overcome this by concentrating on the music.

Anger

My brother, the landlord and I tidied up the pub at closing time. The landlord turned the 'open' sign round, and the three of us sat down to enjoy our pints and a fag. The landlady's daughter turned up with my brother's partner and a friend to join us.
The friend tried to discuss music with me. Fine. He had a go at me when I said I hated pop music, and that I cannot have an opinion without hearing something first. I said 'that's fine then. I have no opinion because I won't listen to it. In fact it doesn't even deserve my opinion'. He then told me that he listens to everything that is recommended to him. I recommended that he listen to Elizabeth-Claude Jacquet de la Guerre's 'Pieces de Clavecin' (1687). Needless to say he did not heed my recommendation. He had dug himself into a hole. I don't like being lectured by precious, arrogant little wankers who don't know what they are talking about.
He annoyed me further by feeling the need to point out that he was gay in practically every other sentence. So fucking what? I'm afraid he got quite a tongue-lashing from me. If he wants to wear a badge and live in a ghetto, that's fine by me. I just want to be myself, wherever I go. If he hadn't already annoyed me, I'd have probably taken no notice.
The Aspergers started kicking in. I could feel myself on the point of exploding with rage, so I downed my cider and went straight home before I blew up. I sat up for a couple of hours to try and calm myself down.
I still feel prickly this morning, but I'll be fine once I start playing.

A right good knees-up

I went back to the pub at about 4.15pm. It was still busy and the customers asked me to play more songs. I didn't stop playing until about 11.30pm, apart from fag and food breaks. It was fantastic! The people sang so enthusiastically. One couple who were on a day-trip from London stayed all evening & booked themselves into a guest-house. One group had travelled over thirty miles to hear me play. The little pub was full, and people were stood singing in the doorway and outside. It was quite magical. One lady kindly said to me 'You're bringing the town to life'. I don't have such a high opinion of myself, but it was kind of her to say that. I had nothing but compliments yesterday. My reputation as a musician is growing. People now come to the pub for the first time on the recommendation of friends who have been to my singalongs. One man kindly asked me if I would play at his friend's pub, which I declined. My music belongs in our pub. Of course I will play at other locations, but I won't play at another pub.
Various of my friends came in, which was lovely. My brother stayed throughout, which made me very happy. He and I both share an aspie trait; we hate eating alone in front of people who are not eating. I brought down some leftover dinner, and the two of us sat outside with food and pint, looking at the sea. That was a lovely meal.
We both help each other in the confidence department. He is a talented musician in his own right, and I have asked him to perform with me at the retro festival in May.
I am playing again this afternoon and evening. I expect it to be just as enjoyable and successful as it was yesterday.

Light entertainment

Today a journalist from one of the national dailies came to write an article about our pub. I went there rather early, in case she was snooping around before she was expected. I've just spent about three hours playing a mixture of music-hall songs and classical piano, and the feedback was very good. I've just come home to have my dinner and then I'm going back there.

Further to this morning

The weather is absolutely gorgeous today. I'm making my dinner now, because I don't know what time I will finish playing. I have been looking forward to it, but my mind is so busy that it's a real effort to drag myself out of the door. I'll be fine once I've started walking.

The post office

When I got to the post office the queue went right back to the front door, so I stood in the entrance. Only three, and then two, of six possible cashiers were on duty. It took me twenty-five minutes to get served. It wasn't entirely the cashiers' fault, as I estimate that eight out of ten customers was either a wanker, an imbecile or both. It was so painful that I thought my brain was about to give way. One stupid git spent fifteen minutes faffing round at the counter. Ouch. I'm going to buy some of the following product before I go to the post office again.

More about Aspergers

I expect I'm beginning to sound like a one-track record, but I'm doing my best to explain the realities of my daily life.
My mind is so busy that I could easily sit here until tonight. I have to go to the post office, and to play at the pub. I have to make a concerted effort to get myself moving. It's actually extremely difficult. Oh well, here goes.

A typical day

My brain is doing exactly what it did yesterday, and what it does every other day. I've been sitting here for two hours with my brain in overdrive, going over and over every minute of yesterday. I feel like I'm watching a film to which I'm providing the running commentary. Not just once though, but over and over again, sometimes skipping bits, or darting backwards and forwards from one scene to another. The thoughts are all lovely ones, but it's very tiring.

What a night!

Yesterday I went to the pub after dinner, as usual. My brother was on duty, and it was quite busy, so I jumped behind the bar every now and then so he could pop out for a smoke, etc. It was nice to see several friends there, and we had a chat and good laugh. Friends of friends turned up at about 9pm to celebrate a birthday, so we had a singalong. More people came in and they stayed the whole evening. A young couple got up and left, but then came back with another friend. I included a dozen or so new songs, and they were very well received. I played until after midnight. It was a great success and the atmosphere was quite magical. I feel so sorry for my brother though, as the poor sod was worked off his feet all night. He looked exhausted.
Of course I accepted all the pints that customers kindly bought me (for medicinal purposes, of course), and was very 'jolly'. I remember nattering with one visitor in his native French, and with a couple in their native German. One smart-arse of a linguist tried to floor me with Russian, but I used to speak it and was able to converse with some difficulty. The linguist then started talking to the German couple about international politics. They were obviously annoyed and left. He then started talking to me about it and I'm afraid I exploded. I don't want to talk about that rubbish when I'm enjoying myself, but won't stay quiet when I hear someone waxing lyrical about the only woman Prime Minister we ever had.
My brother and I locked up and left at about 1.30am.
I feel slightly jaded this morning so I made myself a full English breakfast, ie coffee, fags, toast and marmalade. The weather is beautiful today, and already warm. I need to go to the post office before it closes, and then pull myself together. The reporter from the national daily is going to the pub at lunchtime, and I will be playing.
What a fantastic time I'm having lately!

A weight off my mind

I've just come back from my meeting with a very nice lady at the CAB. She was fantastic and had a brain like an encyclopaedia of her subject. It transpires that my financial issues are nothing like as serious as I had feared them to be. I felt quite exhilarated as I walked back home afterwards. What a lovely day it's been.

The meeting

I'm just off to see the nice people at the CAB, who have given me very helpful advice, and who are going to help me further today. I'm still overwhelmed with thoughts, but have finally managed to get all the paperwork together.
When I get back it'll be bath & dinner before going to the pub. My brother is on duty tonight so we'll have a chat and a good laugh. I'm looking forward to it, and expect I'll be playing the old songs at some point too.

To the people who love me

Thank you all for being who you are. Thank you for what you've been to me. Thank you for what you've done for me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for bringing me such happiness. Thank you for bearing with me so patiently. I don't say it enough, but thank you.

Another normal state

I have an important appointment in just under a couple of hours, for which I need to get some paperwork together. My mind is so occupied with what it always does, that I have been up for four hours but haven't been able to move from the chair yet. I haven't even taken my tablets yet. I only remembered because of the headachey thing I get when I haven't taken them. My mind is full of the happiest thoughts, but the quantity and frequency of them are oppressive. I need to buck my ideas up sharpish.

Aspergers again

I get very bored with my own company. In the past I used to be able to put up with it much better, but I've had rather a lot of my own company. I get on my own nerves. I don't want to be surrounded by people all the time, but I always love seeing the people who really matter to me.
Every day I spend some time playing patience on the computer, in a futile bid to try and block myself out. I don't want to get addicted to it though.

More Aspergers

My brain is doing the usual thing. Ideas, thoughts, people, memories, feelings, conversations; all of these flying round simultaneously, haphazardly and constantly. Although all these things are happy ones, I feel very tired and weighted down by it all. I wish I could find a way to switch off now and then. It's like a conversation with oneself that started at the moment of birth and still continues. At the moment it's beautiful but exhausting.

A musical interlude

After yesterday's dinner my brother and I listened to some music. We listened to a wide variety of pieces and genres which ranged from Purcell to Malcolm Arnold and Edith Piaf. That was special, because I haven't listened to any music since my most recent fit. I don't enjoy listening to music on my own any more.
Apart from having a good laugh and talking about old maps and history, we talked about our lives as autistic people. Of course we enjoyed our pints too. Am I the ugly duckling that's finally about to turn into a swan? In my case the swan won't be any more handsome than the duckling, but I hope you know what I mean.

This morning

I feel very happy this morning. As usual the thoughts are many and varied, and they fly round like the dancers in the painting. My brain is as cluttered as the Baroque palatial interior, and as fussy as the dancer's costume and gestures. My thoughts are as bright and colourful as the costumes and furnishings.
Something in me has changed since I looked at the Lady of Shalott. I have looked her straight in the eye and confronted her. I thought about her all day. I had a wonderful time and excellent conversation with friends. I feel that I have finally banished a whole burden of doubt. Surely one of the most precious things in life is a kind word or gesture from someone you care about, and who cares about you.

Afternoon and evening

Yesterday afternoon I went to the pub early to help the landlord and landlady's son with his maths. While I was there, I was delighted by the arrival of my brother and a friend, so I invited the odd bunch (minus one) round to mine for dinner. The picture above shows how I'd have liked it to be. The bottom picture shows what we actually had (except I made some onion gravy to go with it). Nonetheless we had a lovely meal and everyone enjoyed it. It's surprising how comforting and satisfying these simple meals can be, especially when taken in such good company. I swear that food tastes much nicer when eaten with a happy group of friends . Two of the gang left shortly afterwards as they were off to meet someone, so my brother and I spent a little time listening to music, chatting, and generally chilling out. Afterwards we wandered back to the pub.
When we got there my friend from uni's brother was there with his partner, and another friend, so there was fun and laughter all round. By the buy everyone left, except for the four of us. Lo and behold my friend from uni's mother came in with her husband, so we all had a bit of a party. Yesterday was lovely, and completely unexpected. I feel really happy this morning. I feel very lucky, too, to know such wonderful people.

Aspergers: further thoughts

The Lady of Shalott; I've just read Tennyson's poem for the first time. There are further analogies. She's in a tower in the middle of a lake. She spends her whole life weaving, but she is cursed if she ever looks outside at the world. I've spent most of my life feeling quite as isolated. I don't weave, but my brain weaves constantly, that is it weaves thoughts and ideas. I wonder if the lady wove in her sleep? I do. Curiosity eventually gets the better of her and she looks out. She sees Sir Lancelot and decides to make a bolt for it. I doubt that I'll ever get a knight in shining armour, not at my age. Finally the curse takes effect and she floats into Camelot dead. I don't intend to pop my clogs just yet, but I have been confronting my personal demons as they appear, and want to kill them once and for all.

Let me explain

I have already written that I am affected by noise. The truth is that I am affected by sound.  I experience a definite physical sensation when listening to music. The sensation is comfortable or otherwise, depending on the music. With noise, the sensation is thoroughly unpleasant. I found the above image on-line, quite by chance, and it has helped me to explain myself properly. However I don't have hallucinations or taste things.

Learning curve

Today has been quite a day. I feel that a huge chunk of my life is starting to fall into place. I am about to go to the German supermarket  to give myself something else to think about for a moment. My previous writings may seem strange and sad to the reader. To me, my realisation is good. I'm starting to learn.

More about Aspergers

I'm sitting here having a nice smoke. A fag at the right moment can concentrate the mind wonderfully, like just now when I remembered the Waterhouse painting. That was quite a revelation to myself, as I'd never seen the analogy before. For the first time, I realise why I burst into tears so easily. With a starting point like the lady, wouldn't you? I also realise why I have taken overdoses in the past. I realise why I have always been unsuccessful in obtaining a happy work life. I realise why I am on my own. I realise why I get so overwhelmed by the ordinary, mundane things that others seem to find so easy. I realise. I realise.
I think this is going to be the hardest part of my journey so far, but there's no turning back.

John William Waterhouse: The Lady of Shalott (1888)

I used to have a poster of this picture on my living-room wall when I was in my late teens. Why was she named after an onion? It's a beautiful landscape painting, and the water is so serene. I love the detail on the blanket thing that dangles over the side of the boat, but can't understand why it and the lady appear to be completely bone-dry.
I know it must sound quite ridiculous, but her face looks how I have always felt deep inside. This is the part of me I need to deal with. It's the part that stops me from doing anything because I'm fearful, and which deprives me of all confidence. It is the part of my mind which is like blotting paper, and is full of so much accumulated sadness.
Lady, I'm looking you straight in the eyes, however much you try to avert your gaze.

A real treat

My mood is rather unsettled today, with all sorts of happiness, sadness and nervous tension flying around in my head. Unusually for me, I've just had a breakfast which was neither nicotine nor caffeine flavoured. I toasted some excellent bread, buttered it and tried some home-made marmalade that I was given. It was absolutely delicious.
I know that this is not exactly headline news, but it's surprising what a big difference a small treat can make. It really lifted my spirits.

A convivial night

My brother was on duty when I went to the pub yesterday. He looked really tired and depressed, poor sod.
I had a nice time with friends, then a big surprise. My friend from uni came in completely unexpected. I was so glad to see him, and will go and visit him next week. Then the couple with the Aspergers issues came in with their eldest son. We had a lovely time chatting and laughing. I kept getting the hump with the person whose name I will not mention, but didn't say anything, at least I don't think I did. My fags had run out at teatime, but luckily one of the odd bunch came in with his electric fag, so I had a few puffs on that.
My new friend in Germany will stay at mine at Easter, if he can get his ticket sorted out. I hope he does come. I love having guests, and the break will do him good.

A return to civilisation

I woke up early this morning feeling quite agitated and tearful. God knows what I had been dreaming about, but it can't have been very nice. I expect that nicotine withdrawal may have had something to do with it, as my fags ran out yesterday teatime. I had a cup of coffee, threw some clothes on and staggered out into the beautiful day feeling quite odd. First I went up to collect my 'wages', then I made my way to the supermarket, got some tobacco and had a smoke. It nearly knocked me over, just the same as the first fag I had when I came out of hospital after the hand operation.
Then I went to the post office to get some electricity. It's making my head ache just thinking about it. I saw exactly the same wankers I see every time I go there. I have a theory that they live in a cave beneath the post office, and emerge through a tunnel leading to the entrance about half an hour before it opens. Luckily a friend of mine came in shortly afterwards to post a parcel, and that relieved the tedium. You would not believe the shit you have to listen to, and how long it takes those people to carry out the simplest transaction. Mind-numbing.
I'm back into the realms of civilisation now, with a nice cup of coffee and a fag.

going out

I'm going to the pub in a moment, but won't have a drink until much later. I'll talk to my brother if it's not too busy, and do a bit of sight-reading on the keyboard. My friend who emailed me yesterday will be there later on with her husband. I think tonight will be very nice.

Some thoughts on Aspergers

I had a very thoughtful email from a friend yesterday, who is herself lives with Autistic Spectrum issues. Her sons are growing up in a safe, supportive and loving environment, where they can actually find themselves. Of course I didn't have this start in life. My friend thought it remarkable that I'm trying to understand everything at the not-so-young age of fifty-four. It's my belief that if I had not met my brother, had my family in the area where I live, and subsequently become surrounded by the people I feel to be my family and friends, I would never have been strong enough to 'come out'. I have much to thank them for.
My friend also raised the subject of chaos and patterns. Of course she has hit the nail on the head. In common with other aspies my life has always been chaotic. For me, I feel overwhelmed by the ordinary things of daily life. I find myself endlessly sifting, analysing, and looking for patterns and connections. My thoughts are often as abstract as the painting. My brain goes through the motions and thinks, but half the time the thoughts are very vague. I think for the sake of it, but do not make a conscious effort to do so. It's what my brain does.

Giacomo Balla (1871-1958): Abstract Speed

I went to bed at 12.30pm and fell asleep immediately. I got woken up at some point by the phone but didn't get up until 2.40. I know I was thinking while I was asleep because the thoughts continued as I woke up. I think I may have been tired out by the mental overload. I don't know what I've been thinking about. I have a distant recollection of lucid dreams but the details are all forgotten. Physically I feel much more rested, but I am mentally exhausted. I'm just having a coffee and a fag, and then I'll go and see my brother.

Now

My brain has been very busy today with everything and nothing. The weather is colder today, so I did something practically unheard of (to me at least); I cooked myself a hot lunch. I feel very tired now so will go and have a nap. I had wanted to go and see my brother at the pub, and do some playing, but that will have to wait until later.

Last night

When I went to the pub yesterday it was quite quiet. My mood was a bit odd so I just sat by myself. I didn't really feel like talking, and my mind was working overtime. At one point I drifted off, and heard the landlord telling me to 'stop making that noise with your foot. It sounds like the everglades'. That was the bloody leg thing, again. Later on one of my family came in with his partner and some friends, and I was able to relax a little. I hope that I snap out of this mood before very long.

Am I available?

On the way back from the doctor, I bumped into the man who runs the historic building where I play harpsichord music. He asked me if I would play on Wednesday 16th April from 11.30am to 4pm. I've agreed this one, but I've decided that I'll play for two half-hour slots. He also asked me if I would play this Saturday and Sunday. I've said I need to check my diary, but the answer will be in the negative. He also asked me to play for the four days of Easter weekend, which I've declined. I'm expecting a guest that weekend. I know that I'm a volunteer, but I can't keep on giving all my time up for nothing.

At the doctor's

I went to have my blood tests today. When I got there, the nurse asked me if I knew why I was there, because the locum I'd been to see had made no notes about the appointment. That's a bit worrying. The nurse took bloods for every available test. She was very good & will follow through with the doctor, and typed up a whole load of stuff while I was there. I'm finally having my first coffee of the day.

William Holman Hunt: The Awakening Conscience (1853)

I'm not going to talk about this picture, as much as I like it. It's just that it shares the same title as this blog.
I feel like my conscience is awakening. I am learning to accept who I am, rather than ignoring or even rejecting it. My 'coming out' as autistic has been pivotal to this, in that it has enabled me to be exactly as I am, whoever I am, without fear. It has also enabled me to meet people who have the same condition as myself, and similar experiences too in many cases. We've been able to talk things through and have become friends. I am also feeling much more comfortable about my sexuality. I no longer feel I need to avoid the subject, or go to the other extreme and be completely over the top. This is because I was completely lacking in confidence, and the 'outrageous' stuff was my only means of coping. I am also taking the fits, possibly Tonic Seizures, more seriously, and that's because when I went to the doctors last time, he listened.
This has certainly been an important year for me.

What an idiot

In common with many other aspies I tend to worry a lot. I always have a feeling at the back of my mind that I've done something wrong. I did worry about the tenancy inspection. The inspection took all of five minutes, and the man commented on how nice the place looks. I'm a bloody idiot.

A Rococo painting

The picture is Madame de Pompadour by Frank Butcher ( Francois Boucher 1703-70). I love Rococo art for its lightness. In a Baroque portrait madame would have assumed a statuesque pose and a serious expression. Power would have been oozing out of every pore of her dear little person. There would have been lots of activity around her, such as partially dressed deities and the like doing allegorical things. The picture would have been stuffed full of decorative detail.
In Boucher's portrait madame is flopped diagonally across the canvas. There is a sense of informality, and the monochrome decor seems to fade into the background. The light garland of roses which decorate her dress are mirrored by the two roses at her feet. Is the painter suggesting she may be a fallen woman? Madame is smiling and is obviously a lady of leisure. She reclines and contemplates her book. Ordinary folk wouldn't have had any leisure time at all, and wouldn't have been literate. She seems to exude a quiet confidence without actually stating it. What a delightful picture.

Alessandro Magnasco: Sacrilegious Robbery (1731)

I've just done as much housework as I'm going to do. Sod the dusting. I can do that later. I've just sat down felling a bit rococo, and found the above picture on google. What an unusual and astonishing scene; people fighting with or fleeing from skeletons with the hump. I really don't understand what it's about, but I'd love it in my front room.

Thinking

I've nearly finished sprucing up the place, just my bedroom & a bit of dusting to do. Of course I've been thinking throughout, and imagined myself giving piano lessons here. I've already given out some of my business cards. When the man from the estate agents has gone, I'll ask the local theatre if they will take some.