In general

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and the latest, awful news has really knocked me for six. The news I have been carrying around for three days is this: two people I work with have been charged with a high-profile murder. You would not believe how shaken and upset I am. I couldn't bring myself to say anything before now, but their names and one of their photos have just been published by the local paper. I don't understand why people do such terrible things to another person. No wonder I can't sleep. I wake up during the night feeling completely beside myself. That's enough now. I'm bloody tired.

Since last night

I had another bad night, and woke up at ten to three this morning, thinking frantically. After a few fags and a couple of mugs of coffee, I took myself back to bed. I was awake for a while, but think I slept for about half an hour. I finally got up at about six. After the rest of the fags and another coffee, I made my way up to the library, only to find out that the computers were out of action. So I took myself to the historic building three-quarters of an hour early, and sat in the garden. It weren't half cold! I had the talk and came back to the library afterwards. I'm going home for a snack, but I don't know what I'll do afterwards. I'm too tired to think of that.

Yesterday

I enjoyed by rough-and-ready dinner. After that I watched The Old Dark House, a tedious comedy with a brilliant cast, and Escapade, a dreary, middle-class melodrama. Bed at half past nine. Them upstairs were quiet again.

Later on

I'm having bangers and chips for dinner, which will make a nice change. I hope I'm in for yet another quiet evening, which would be lovely. I'm bound to watch something, but I can't think what at the moment. I'm off to the historic building in the morning, as I want to speak to the manager. We have something very serious to discuss in connection with one of the staff. That has been playing on my mind since I heard the shocking news yesterday morning. As if I haven't already had enough upheaval in my life. As if I haven't got enough to think of in the first place. It's all very worrying and very distressing.

Today

Last night was cold and windy, and it has continued the same. The dreary fags and coffee were followed as usual by a trip to the library. Afterwards I popped home for a bite to eat, followed by the first trip of the day to the doctor's surgery, as I needed to collect some paperwork. Then I went to the library for another session on the computer, before going straight back to the doctor's for the first of my new lot of counselling. It didn't work for me this time. It was a new practitioner, so I had to start from scratch again. I went straight from there to a meeting with my support worker. We had some business to attend to. Also she introduced me to someone who is going to help me with the psychological stuff. Now I'm back at the library, but shan't be here for much longer.

Last night

The curry was boring. Afterwards I watched Time Is My Enemy, a very good cops 'n robbers film, followed by the beginning of Young Wives' Tale. That was supposed to be a comedy, but was so appallingly unfunny that I switched it off. Bed at nine.
I slept much better last night. I was awake for a while from ten past two, what with everything going round in my head, but didn't wake up finally until nearly seven this morning.

Later on

I'm going home very shortly. I do feel appallingly tired, so I'll try and get some sleep. I expect it'll be mince for dinner, followed by a film, and then bed. The weather has turned noticeably colder and windier now. In fact it's more like autumn.

More things

I've been quite wrapped up in the genealogy again. It was the news of my father that got me thinking like this. I realise I'm now in a position to put some sort of closure to a very sad part of my life.

Things

Last night was peaceful again, and so was this morning. Not a peep out of the people upstairs. I'm not going to tempt providence by expressing an opinion. After dinner I watched Passport To Shame and On Approval, which made for a miserable evening's viewing.
I turned in at around half past nine, and was wide awake long before ten to four this morning. This morning has been all fags, coffee, tiredness and thoughts.
I spent ages and ages waiting to be let in at the historic building. It turns out that something very serious has occurred, so we shan't be opening today.

Generally

I suddenly realised that I'm now the oldest person in my family. Big deal. we all get older at the same rate. I'm still waiting for some letters to arrive. Very annoying and very boring.
Later on I'm having shepherd's pie and chips for dinner, which will be such a treat! Then it'll be a film or two, depending on the noise.

Today

I slept through to half past six this morning, which was quite an achievement. After the coffee and fags it was up to the library for a short session, before taking the bus to see my support worker. Afterwards I went to the historic building to run through some English music for the first time, by John Blow and William Croft. It's very good too, and sounds very English to me.
Then it was back to the library. My dad's demise has got me back into family history mode, so I had another look at the website I used yesterday. I've found a whole load more closely-related ancestors from the 18th Century. I now know that my family has been living in the same area for at least three hundred years. I bet my ancestors were a bunch of cunts too.

Yesterday

I had a lovely evening round my friend's. When I got home all was quiet, so I thought I'd watch a film. The Weak and the Wicked was on the menu, and I really enjoyed it. It was a well-acted melodrama with some hilarious comic episodes, and a very strong cast. Bed at eleven.

Autism stuff

After a lovely, nice cup of tea, I took myself to bed to try and get a bit of sleep. No chance. My brain was too busy. I lay there, yawning, for about an hour, before getting up feeling completely frustrated with myself.
I'd been thinking about my father. How I loathed the man for having been so cruel to me when I was a kid. And I loathed him for deserting my brothers and I. Now he has joined the silent majority. A bit like the Monty Python parrot that no longer is, has ceased to be, and has shuffled off this mortal coil.
Then my whole life seemed to flash before me in an instant. I've always rejected the label of disability, but things started to fall into place. On the one handy condition gives some advantages, such as a huge intellect and attention to precision. On the other hand it is quite limiting. All the uncontrolled mental activity, the anxiety (particularly social anxiety) and depression, the inability to understand body language and unwritten social cues, the inability to read between the lines, the feeling of 'otherness' and the almost total lack of confidence, have been disabling factors in my life. They have held me back from reaching my full potential, which might have been much simpler had I been 'normal'. I think I have now accepted that I do have a disability, and need to try and be a bit fairer to myself, rather than fighting it off.
I keep seeing pictures on social media of a particular drinking establishment, where I used to play in a previous incarnation. It really is most annoying. The place is a cunt-trap.

Now

I'm getting a bit bored with the computer, so I'm going home to complete my Dad's entry on the family tree. While I'm there I'll have a nice cup of Darjeeling and a muffin. I might lie down for an hour before I go out again.

In general

I've just bumped into my support worker yet again. Actually it's really the other way round. She bumped into me. She says she has a very good feeling about last week's assessments. I'm sure that everything must be alright, otherwise she wouldn't have said it. It's still going to play on my mind though. It's all this 'wait and see' stuff. I've never been good at it. I need to be absolutely sure where I am with things.

Today

I can't see me getting a nap this afternoon. It's been a funny sort of day, what with all the unfinished activity from last week, what with the lack of sleep, and what with the unexpected news I found out earlier.
Earlier on I took a vulnerable person to get some financial advice. He volunteers at the same place as me, and is vulnerable because of mental health issues. He's been taken advantage of, by agreeing to buy something on his card for someone else. Needless to say that person didn't buy the cheapest they could find. Far from it. And needless to say that someone has no intention of paying the bill. Predatory cunts like that really do make me angry and upset.
Later on I shall be off to my best friend's. I think I shall come home though. I've been waking up stupidly early, and would feel very uncomfortable about prowling round their house for fags during the night.

News

I've just discovered online that my father died a few years ago. Now I can complete his entry on the family tree. I must admit I do feel a bit shaken. I didn't expect that.

Yesterday

My time at the historic building started of very dire indeed. Most people just walked past me. IJust as I was packing up to leave an hour and a half early. a group of visitors walked in and sat down. And they stayed. That made my day.
Having sorted out my tummy, all the stress of the moment has started it up again. It was lentils for dinner and dates for afters. I'm still a bit sore, but it'll be alright in a few days. After dinner I watched London Belongs To Me, a lovely melodrama from 1948. Bed at half past nine. The people upstairs were a cunt. The kids were still running round shrieking when I turned in.

Now

I have been buffeted by thoughts and memories from last week's events. My sleep has been all over the place. I've been up since a quarter past three this morning, so I'm feeling mentally tired, physically tired and sleep-deprived. I did try going back to bed at five this morning, but I didn't manage to sleep. The weather is lovely this morning, but it's starting to get cooler and more autumnal.

In the news

The disabled have had a desperately bad time of it since the present administration was voted into office (by a minority of the population I might add, but that's another story). It has been reported in the press that the law is about to change, and people with chronic conditions that never improve will no longer have to be re-assessed every six months or so. This will apply to autistic adults, which is good news. Autism is, however, classified as a 'disease' along with MS and all sorts of other things. Well autism is not a disease, but that's just nit-picking. I still don't trust this government, so it's going to be another time for waiting and seeing.

In general

I had a mediocre sort of time at the historic building. We had visitors alright, but I'm sure some of them came in just to get out of the almighty hailstorm and the torrential rain which followed it. The quality of the daylight was very poor, and this affected me. I played very hard and my hands feel very tired. So does my head. I'm off home shortly for an average sort of evening.

A brainwave

Very soon I shall be in a position to start visiting people that I haven't seen for a very long time, and who I miss dreadfully. I've decided to get a railcard and travel in comfort!

Today

I heard it rain quite heavily during the night, and severe storms are predicted for our area later on today. I woke up at six to a dull, dark morning,. The day started with fags, coffee and toast, and lots and lots of thinking. The thinking shows no signs of stopping, but I never stop thinking anyway.
I'm playing this weekend as usual. Today I'll make an effort and wear the period costume. I hope this weekend will be a good one, and that the weather won't stop people from visiting us.

How am I?

My mind is still very restless, and trying to come to terms with the week's major events. I don't believe in counting one's chickens before they have hatched, but I can reasonably expect at least some of the clutch to hatch. It's a time for waiting and seeing, something I've never been particularly good at.
This morning I have a very slight hangover. It just goes to show that I'm not as used to wine as I used to be.

Yesterday

I played for a very long time, so was consequently very tired for the rest of the day. I had a junk-food dinner made from things I had in the cupboard. Afterwards I tried watching an episode of Coast, but had to give up because of the antics of that dear, sweet Little Miss Anthrax. When things quietened down I watched another previously-unwatched dvd from my collection; Madame Bovary. That was very well-made. While I was watching it I enjoyed a bottle of wine that I'd been given. Bed at some time after ten.