Thursday 30 April 2015
Obsession
I've just had another couple of hours' worth of family history again. I don't know why I do it. It got on my nerves today.
Just now
I did try out my bus pass for the first time. It's still quite a novelty. The supermarket was nice and quiet. Well perhaps it wasn't really. The place is so huge I suppose it would take millions of people to make it seem crowded.
I enjoyed riding on the bus. What I'd forgotten about, though, was traffic jams, and how tedious they are. Never mind, I'm glad I went. It was fun.
I hadn't planned on coming to the library, but here I am, a creature of habit. I just couldn't resist the urge.
I enjoyed riding on the bus. What I'd forgotten about, though, was traffic jams, and how tedious they are. Never mind, I'm glad I went. It was fun.
I hadn't planned on coming to the library, but here I am, a creature of habit. I just couldn't resist the urge.
Not a happy bunny
'Meltdown' is a term that's used to describe a horrible occurrence that's experienced by autistic people. It's where the brain becomes so overloaded with sensory experiences that it is unable to cope with processing them, and the person 'loses it' for the moment.
I have a way of bottling things up. I'm sure it's quite unhealthy, but it is a coping mechanism. In the past most of my meltdowns happened at home when I was on my own. They happened at the end of the day, when I sat down and thought of things that I'd had to bottle up during the day, and tried to let go of them. Mine would manifest themselves as intense flashes of rage. My arms would ache, and my arms and legs would become restless. There would be a sensation if intense panic. I'd sit down and cry for ages, boiling with temper, and just wait for the thing to pass. In my more recent past I'd also smash things that were important to me, or hurt myself. I'd sometimes feel these attacks coming on at work, in which case I'd either go outside for a fag (or three) or disappear into the loo until I'd started to calm down.
When I moved to where I live now, I started trying to socialise. That wasn't much of a success, although I thought it was at the time. There were people who were so 'in-your-face' with their talking, or who I found so annoying, that I had a couple of meltdowns in public for the first time. I just cannot cope with incessant noise, non-stop talking, or people endlessly dragging you into conversations you didn't want to take part in. I exploded. I can assure you that these experiences aren't at all funny. They are exhausting. It takes a while to get over them too.
What's got me hot under the collar is that the word 'meltdown' seems to have become trendy. I hear it used to describe it when someone throws a strop. I even see it used in the title of events. I can tell you it gives me the creeps.
This afternoon
I am totally a creature of habit. When I'm not being a creature of habit, then I'm set in my ways. This afternoon, unusually, I won't be visiting the library. I've decided to christen my bus pass with a trip to the shops. The good thing is that I can get bulk quantities of things I use regularly, and that'll save a lot of money. Also I fancy cooking tonight. I'm planning iddiyappam (spiced noodles from Tamil Nadu) with dhal and a dry potato thing. Just what the doctor ordered!
Thinking
I am glad that I have made contact with the cousins I never knew before. They are so much nicer than the ones I did know. I don't know if they'll ever feel like family to me, but I'm not sure I want that anyway. I'd much rather be friends.
I'm in regular contact with two of them, and have occasional contact with a third. I enjoy what contact we do have, and always find myself learning something new about the people I remember. I have to be very careful though. For example I remember my dad's mother as someone who was cold, remote and condescending. They remember her fondly. Well I can't pretend, and certainly ain't even going to try, so I just avoid talking about certain individuals. I have told them though.
I'm in regular contact with two of them, and have occasional contact with a third. I enjoy what contact we do have, and always find myself learning something new about the people I remember. I have to be very careful though. For example I remember my dad's mother as someone who was cold, remote and condescending. They remember her fondly. Well I can't pretend, and certainly ain't even going to try, so I just avoid talking about certain individuals. I have told them though.
A musical interlude
The event on the other side of the county is definitely going ahead. This morning we finalised the arrangements for next weekend, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm still surprised by the mileage there is in the 'Knees up Mother Brown' routine.
I was thinking about it this morning as I contemplated the coffee and fags. I remember how frightened I used to be, until very recently, of playing in front of people. I was frightened to the point of almost blacking out, and this was very embarrassing when I studied for my music degree. It's only within the last year or so that I've finally overcome this hurdle.
Of course I've now learned why I used to feel like this. Nowadays I'm OK when I'm playing, but still have a horror of being in front of people in other situations. I don't like being watched by people I don't know, any more that I am comfortable when speaking to them. It's just that music demands my full concentration, so I've found a way of avoiding all the eye contact, and of finding a suitably distant inner space where I feel comfortable. I'm quite a perfectionist when it comes to music (but not necessarily with all other things), and simply won't allow myself to make mistakes.
I realise that my musical journey is synonymous with my struggle to understand and accept myself, and to be understood and accepted by people in general. It's all good stuff in the end (at least I hope so).
I was thinking about it this morning as I contemplated the coffee and fags. I remember how frightened I used to be, until very recently, of playing in front of people. I was frightened to the point of almost blacking out, and this was very embarrassing when I studied for my music degree. It's only within the last year or so that I've finally overcome this hurdle.
Of course I've now learned why I used to feel like this. Nowadays I'm OK when I'm playing, but still have a horror of being in front of people in other situations. I don't like being watched by people I don't know, any more that I am comfortable when speaking to them. It's just that music demands my full concentration, so I've found a way of avoiding all the eye contact, and of finding a suitably distant inner space where I feel comfortable. I'm quite a perfectionist when it comes to music (but not necessarily with all other things), and simply won't allow myself to make mistakes.
I realise that my musical journey is synonymous with my struggle to understand and accept myself, and to be understood and accepted by people in general. It's all good stuff in the end (at least I hope so).
Earlier on
It's beautiful, sunny morning, so I went to have a look at the sea. As soon as I turned the corner it became cold and windy. I don't mind that, so long as it's sunny. I took myself for a walk along the high street and saw
Naturally the surprise was not a pleasant one. I was surprised though, because I'd always believed them to be nocturnal.
Last night
I felt restless and my mind was wandering all over the place. I watched a couple of documentaries about prehistoric royalty. I knew these almost word for word, so they required no concentration. Then I watched a documentary about new towns in the 1960s, to which the same observations apply. I turned in about ten.
Rhetorically speaking; an autistic point of view
As I walked past the newsagents, I spotted the following headline: 'Why are we all living longer?'
It got me thinking. In the first place I find that particular paper highly offensive. In the second place it's rather a sweeping statement, and therefore open to scrutiny.
I thought of the eight people who were shot to death the day before yesterday. They didn't live longer. I thought of the fifteen senior officials that a dictator had executed because they criticised him. They didn't live longer. I thought of all the people in the world who are on death row. They won't be living any longer. Then I remembered all the atrocities being committed in the Middle East. Many people in that part of the world aren't living any longer.
The headline 'Why are we all living longer?' is therefore both incorrect and misleading. The publication that printed it should be thoroughly ashamed of itself.
It got me thinking. In the first place I find that particular paper highly offensive. In the second place it's rather a sweeping statement, and therefore open to scrutiny.
I thought of the eight people who were shot to death the day before yesterday. They didn't live longer. I thought of the fifteen senior officials that a dictator had executed because they criticised him. They didn't live longer. I thought of all the people in the world who are on death row. They won't be living any longer. Then I remembered all the atrocities being committed in the Middle East. Many people in that part of the world aren't living any longer.
The headline 'Why are we all living longer?' is therefore both incorrect and misleading. The publication that printed it should be thoroughly ashamed of itself.
Wednesday 29 April 2015
Pleased
I've also had something nice happen to me today: my bus pass arrived in the post. I've been to the council offices, and thanked the person who sorted it out for me. I plan to go to a nearby shopping complex tomorrow to check out the supermarkets.
A musical interlude
Today it was very quiet where I played. One lady said how "lovely" the music was, and that made it worthwhile. The weather isn't very nice today, and I don't suppose that helped. With the bank holiday coming up, we expect a busier weekend.
Last night
I watched Arch of Triumph (1948) starring Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer and Charles Lawton. There was a small part for Peter Lorre too. I didn't feel like watching anything else, so just sat for a bit. That's when I heard the news headlines on downstairs's telly. I felt really miserable when I went to bed.
Just now
Went to the workhouse as usual, and have emailed my accountant. I want to try and go self-employed, so need some advice. I can't wait.
Something horrible
Eight people were shot to death last night. All of them were foreign. Curiously the one person who was reprieved came from a country, whose people are racially and linguistically similar to Indonesia.
I believe that this mass execution was put on just for show. It was racist. That government was determined to execute some foreigners. I also remember a few decades ago, when Indonesia turned away the Vietnamese Boat People. That can also only be construed as racist.
It is sad that some of our richest and most powerful allies still maintain the savage and unjust practice of capital punishment. The civilised world could actually do something about this, if it could be prepared to leave financial interests out of the argument. My thought is that the next time one of these countries suffers a natural disaster, which it will in due course, then we should refuse any financial aid unless the country repeals capital punishment. If that country later re-introduces it, then we should freeze that countries assets.
I feel heartily sickened by last night's news. I sometimes wonder how far Mankind has evolved from the savages who walked the Earth in prehistoric times.
I believe that this mass execution was put on just for show. It was racist. That government was determined to execute some foreigners. I also remember a few decades ago, when Indonesia turned away the Vietnamese Boat People. That can also only be construed as racist.
It is sad that some of our richest and most powerful allies still maintain the savage and unjust practice of capital punishment. The civilised world could actually do something about this, if it could be prepared to leave financial interests out of the argument. My thought is that the next time one of these countries suffers a natural disaster, which it will in due course, then we should refuse any financial aid unless the country repeals capital punishment. If that country later re-introduces it, then we should freeze that countries assets.
I feel heartily sickened by last night's news. I sometimes wonder how far Mankind has evolved from the savages who walked the Earth in prehistoric times.
Tuesday 28 April 2015
Just now
When I was outside enjoying my fag, but not enjoying the sound of the road being drilled, I also started thinking about the family tree. It's a funny thing, but not only does a person acquire more and more ancestors the further back he goes, but he also acquires more and more descendants the further forward he goes. The second part, of course, only applies to persons who reproduce. If this idea could be shown as a diagram, there would be a whole load of connected pyramids pointing both upwards and downwards. A tree is okay to show the bare line of descendancy, but it only shows a fraction of what's really going on.
A musical interlude
It's another beautiful day; blue skies, warmish sunshine and a chilly breeze. I don't mind that at all. It's a proper spring day. Just now I went outside and had a fag, listening to the road drills a short distance away.
While I was there I started thinking about my forthcoming musical activities. I am harpsichording tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday and Holiday Monday, and at the pub on Sunday night. Then next weekend I'm playing at an event on the other side of the county on Saturday, harpsichording on Sunday lunchtime, and in the pub Sunday night.
And then there's the shifting to think of. I'll take the keyboard to the historic building tomorrow morning and bring it home after I've finished on Sunday. Then I'll take it to the pub on Sunday night and then bring it home once I've finished playing. Then I'll need to take it back to the historic house on Monday morning, but won't need to move it again until I finish there next Sunday. Then there are just two more moves to the pub and back on Sunday night. That's quite a lot of humping around, when I think about it.
While I was there I started thinking about my forthcoming musical activities. I am harpsichording tomorrow, Saturday, Sunday and Holiday Monday, and at the pub on Sunday night. Then next weekend I'm playing at an event on the other side of the county on Saturday, harpsichording on Sunday lunchtime, and in the pub Sunday night.
And then there's the shifting to think of. I'll take the keyboard to the historic building tomorrow morning and bring it home after I've finished on Sunday. Then I'll take it to the pub on Sunday night and then bring it home once I've finished playing. Then I'll need to take it back to the historic house on Monday morning, but won't need to move it again until I finish there next Sunday. Then there are just two more moves to the pub and back on Sunday night. That's quite a lot of humping around, when I think about it.
The news
The news about the forthcoming mass-executions has made me feel on edge for the past few days. I really have a problem with capital punishment. For example in this country there have been instances of innocent people being executed. Take Timothy Evans. The poor man had mental health issues. He was what we used to call 'backward'. He thought he was trying to help the police, but ended up being convicted of murder. The two issues that arise from this are firstly, innocent people are executed, and secondly, that people with mental health issues are executed.
Execution is not a punishment. It is purely revenge. Albert Pierrepoint, Britain's last state executioner, is quoted as saying this, and I agree with him. Revenge is what happens when emotion, rather than logic, drives the debate. State-instigated revenge surely belongs in the past, to the days of the Old Testament. Revenge is backward-looking, and panders to mankind's basest instincts. And what does a person's legalised murder solve? I can't think of any positive result. All it does is to cause immense pain to the victim's family and loved ones.
My 'aspie' point of view may or may not be out of step with the rest of humanity, but I believe it is wrong to kill another person. Full Stop. It is black and white. Why are governments allowed to give themselves the right to murder? Murder is wrong, whoever does it. It is unforgiveable.
I don't know why I feel so upset about the horror that's about to be committed in Indonesia. I don't know any of the people concerned. I think that what is really affecting me is that it is an injustice. That government is saying that wrong is wrong for the general population, but right for itself. It's a case of 'Don't do as I do. Do as I tell you'. It makes me feel ashamed to be human.
Execution is not a punishment. It is purely revenge. Albert Pierrepoint, Britain's last state executioner, is quoted as saying this, and I agree with him. Revenge is what happens when emotion, rather than logic, drives the debate. State-instigated revenge surely belongs in the past, to the days of the Old Testament. Revenge is backward-looking, and panders to mankind's basest instincts. And what does a person's legalised murder solve? I can't think of any positive result. All it does is to cause immense pain to the victim's family and loved ones.
My 'aspie' point of view may or may not be out of step with the rest of humanity, but I believe it is wrong to kill another person. Full Stop. It is black and white. Why are governments allowed to give themselves the right to murder? Murder is wrong, whoever does it. It is unforgiveable.
I don't know why I feel so upset about the horror that's about to be committed in Indonesia. I don't know any of the people concerned. I think that what is really affecting me is that it is an injustice. That government is saying that wrong is wrong for the general population, but right for itself. It's a case of 'Don't do as I do. Do as I tell you'. It makes me feel ashamed to be human.
A picture of health
I had the flu a while back and haven't been right since. When the worst of the symptoms had died down, by left ear became increasingly blocked. That finally started to improve about a week or two ago, and my hearing has been back to normal for a couple of days. Now my nose is running like a tap and I have the sniffles. What a bore. When you get to my age, you wonder what's going to drop orf next.
Last night
I watched The Day of the Triffids (1963) because I felt like a good laugh. I saw this on the telly when I was a kid, and remember how frightened I got! Afterwards I started watching The Spy in Black (1939), but got bored halfway through and went to bed.
I slept very badly, and remember being either awake or half-awake many times during the night. I'm a bit tired this morning.
I slept very badly, and remember being either awake or half-awake many times during the night. I'm a bit tired this morning.
Monday 27 April 2015
More about mobility
I've just had a thought. I know it's dangerous, but luckily I was sitting down when I had it. I've realised that now my bus pass is on its way, I can start attending the autism groups regularly. They're held about fifteen miles from where I live, and that's been a bit of an issue for me. I'm over the moon. It's like an important thing in my life is starting to work itself out. It'll be lovely to see the people again.
Just now
Maths was a great success. The eleven-year-old has just answered geometry questions from past GCSE papers. What an achievement! It's surprising what a person can learn if they enjoy what they're doing.
A musical interlude
Having been asked to play at an event some time in May, today I've been asked to play for another one in a couple of weeks. I am really delighted about it! It will involve a train journey to another part of the county, and I'm looking forward to that as well. And all this with the weather continuing fair!
Mobility
I'm still excited about my bus pass, and am really looking forward to receiving it. I've been imagining things like going to shops further away than walking distance, and just going for short journeys. I've come to realise how important mobility is, and how it increases the number of choices one has.
Socialising
I really like the atmosphere in the pub where I play. I know it's much better for me than the other place. I've been to the new place many times. In fact it's where I used to drop in before I moved here. In all the times I've been there, not one single person has got under my skin, annoyed or upset me. That happened all too often in the other place.
With hindsight I'm not sure I really enjoyed the other place at all. Also with hindsight, I think I used to get tanked up just to keep myself there, and as a way of coping with a small number of people who really got to me. Typically I didn't notice it at the time. I like things much better as they are now.
With hindsight I'm not sure I really enjoyed the other place at all. Also with hindsight, I think I used to get tanked up just to keep myself there, and as a way of coping with a small number of people who really got to me. Typically I didn't notice it at the time. I like things much better as they are now.
Today
I've had a nice day. When I left home this morning I got my tobacco for the week and paid the council tax. Both things always cheer me up. After another obsessive bout of genealogy I went to the charity, where I found a nice black suit for two quid. Then I collected by keyboard etc from the pub, and that left me creaking in every imaginable joint. The next thing will be lessons.
Last night
It was very quiet at the pub, so I stopped playing around nine o'clock. This time I'm not at all worried by it. The bar staff told me this is the quietest weekend of the month. Also in my last job, our sales always dropped significantly during the week before a bank holiday. Some people did tell me that they enjoyed the music, and one customer sang. That made it completely worthwhile.
I've had a singer foisted on me. Not quite my thing, but I'll go along with it as long as I need to. We did 'I will survive. It's pure unadulterated shit, and completely lacking in any redeeming features of any sort. Talk about repetition. My next thing is to try and learn some Chas and Dave songs. Oh well.
I've had a singer foisted on me. Not quite my thing, but I'll go along with it as long as I need to. We did 'I will survive. It's pure unadulterated shit, and completely lacking in any redeeming features of any sort. Talk about repetition. My next thing is to try and learn some Chas and Dave songs. Oh well.
Saturday 25 April 2015
Family history
I keep finding the name Louise with alarming regularity. I have taken a strong dislike to that name. It sounds a bit parasitical, and rather like 'louse'. Yugh.
Just now
The historic building had a constant stream of visitors, and most of them took no notice of my playing. The few people who did sit down and listen made it all worthwhile.
This morning's hangover is practically gone now. I don't fancy anything for dinner, and I'm thinking hard about what to cook.
This morning's hangover is practically gone now. I don't fancy anything for dinner, and I'm thinking hard about what to cook.
Earlier
I came to the library as soon as it opened. No sooner had my bum hit the seat, than someone I knew came up to me and had a massive rant about his bank, and about banks in general. Just what my head needed.
This morning
I took the extravagant precaution of having a slice of toast with my coffee, but still feel just as drunk as when I went to bed. I must pull myself together; I didn't move the keyboard last night, so I'll need to do that fairly shortly. Then I'm playing straight afterwards.
Yesterday
I turned up at the 'do' in good time. The person who had let me down for a second time gave me a feeble apology, and the even feebler excuse that he'd gone out. I didn't respond or react.
The turnout was just as I'd expected; there were masses of 'volunteers' hobbling in on crutches or otherwise. Most of them I'd never seen before, and they were all over the food within minutes of their arrival. It was hilarious! I did my stuff, and made sure I got my share of the wine.
I wasn't in the mood for going home after I'd finished, so I went to the pub. I saw several people I know, and the next thing it was 1am. I woke up this morning reeling with a hangover. Necer mind. I really enjoyed myself.
The turnout was just as I'd expected; there were masses of 'volunteers' hobbling in on crutches or otherwise. Most of them I'd never seen before, and they were all over the food within minutes of their arrival. It was hilarious! I did my stuff, and made sure I got my share of the wine.
I wasn't in the mood for going home after I'd finished, so I went to the pub. I saw several people I know, and the next thing it was 1am. I woke up this morning reeling with a hangover. Necer mind. I really enjoyed myself.
Friday 24 April 2015
Now
I've calmed down a bit, but feel just as cross as I did an hour ago. I've decided that I'm not going to lower myself to someone else's bad standards, but will keep my head up and play as agreed. I'm gritting my teeth.
Boiling
I hate un-punctuality with a vengeance. Grrrr. If someone makes an arrangement for a certain time and date, then I understand that as being an agreement between the parties concerned. But then it's also to do with consideration and respect between the people who agree the arrangement. It's black and white. You know exactly where you are, or at least you think you do.
Two people have already cancelled their arrangements with me at the very last moment. Although I was greatly relieved that is not the point. It tells me that these people do not value your efforts, and are not to be trusted.
Then today, I agreed to meet someone at three to sort out moving my keyboard. At a quarter past they had still not arrived. This is the same person who fucked off and left me standing on the step with my keyboard, etc, when English Heritage were due to visit us. I'm in such a filthy temper I don't know if I will go back later. I'll see how I feel. I'm sick and tired of not being able to trust people to do what they say they will do. Haven't I got enough to deal with already?
This is exactly what I had to put up when I looked after my already-adult niece, when I had to pick up the pieces again and again. But in her case there was a good helping of dishonesty and selfishness, which is exactly why I will no longer have anything to do with her.
Autistic eh? How am I ever supposed to work people out, when it seems that hardly any of them are to be trusted?
Two people have already cancelled their arrangements with me at the very last moment. Although I was greatly relieved that is not the point. It tells me that these people do not value your efforts, and are not to be trusted.
Then today, I agreed to meet someone at three to sort out moving my keyboard. At a quarter past they had still not arrived. This is the same person who fucked off and left me standing on the step with my keyboard, etc, when English Heritage were due to visit us. I'm in such a filthy temper I don't know if I will go back later. I'll see how I feel. I'm sick and tired of not being able to trust people to do what they say they will do. Haven't I got enough to deal with already?
This is exactly what I had to put up when I looked after my already-adult niece, when I had to pick up the pieces again and again. But in her case there was a good helping of dishonesty and selfishness, which is exactly why I will no longer have anything to do with her.
Autistic eh? How am I ever supposed to work people out, when it seems that hardly any of them are to be trusted?
A musical interlude
I've just been asked to play for a charity, having been recommended to them by someone I know socially. The event will take place next month in a nearby town. I'm really delighted by the fact that I was recommended to them, and have thanked the person who did the recommending. It also confirms that my music is gaining a good reputation. Wow!!! I'm looking forward to playing a real grand piano too.
While I was writing, the person contacted me to say they would phone. GULP. Well, we've just had the conversation. The person has a hall that they hire out for events such as weddings, and they think they can put some paid bookings my way, playing at wedding receptions. This is very good news indeed.
While I was writing, the person contacted me to say they would phone. GULP. Well, we've just had the conversation. The person has a hall that they hire out for events such as weddings, and they think they can put some paid bookings my way, playing at wedding receptions. This is very good news indeed.
Haute Couture
I need a new black suit. I want to chuck my black trousers away, because they remind me of both my last job, and of the place where I used to play. I'm keeping my black jacket, though, because my friend from uni gave it to me. I shall wear it when I'm not playing. I can feel a visit to one of my favourite charity shops coming on. After all, where else can one buy a decent suit for the exorbitant price of three or four pounds?
Odd man out
The British are said to be a nation of dog-lovers. Well I'm not one. Dogs are either yappy or they bark. They've got sharp teeth and claws, and they bite. They're crafty and manipulative. They have terrible, insanitary habits, and are full of parasites and vermin. Worst of all they're always in the way, and seem to have a knack for hogging exactly the place where you want to be.
My friends have got new neighbours that have a house full of dogs. YUGH. The thought of it makes me want to retch. I can't get my head round it. I wonder if those same very kind people, could also find it in their heart to give a homeless person something to eat.
As far as I'm concerned people is people, and dogs is animals. People are surely the more important?
My friends have got new neighbours that have a house full of dogs. YUGH. The thought of it makes me want to retch. I can't get my head round it. I wonder if those same very kind people, could also find it in their heart to give a homeless person something to eat.
As far as I'm concerned people is people, and dogs is animals. People are surely the more important?
Beyond hope
I've read the saddening news that a number of executions look set to take place in a certain country in a few days.
Let me make it clear that my concern has nothing to do with the nationalities of the executioners or of their victims. It is just that I know it to be wrong to kill another human being. At least that is my understanding.
The world will never be a better place, all the time that humanity drags itself back into the filth by committing such atrocities. Such acts can only underline that humans are only animals after all. However what they are supposed to possess is a higher level of intelligence. What they are also supposed to possess is a degree of compassion. I'm really beginning to doubt it. I despair.
Let me make it clear that my concern has nothing to do with the nationalities of the executioners or of their victims. It is just that I know it to be wrong to kill another human being. At least that is my understanding.
The world will never be a better place, all the time that humanity drags itself back into the filth by committing such atrocities. Such acts can only underline that humans are only animals after all. However what they are supposed to possess is a higher level of intelligence. What they are also supposed to possess is a degree of compassion. I'm really beginning to doubt it. I despair.
For King and Country
Recently I found a fairly distant cousin's military records for World War 1. He enlisted at the age of seventeen, before he was called up. There is a note on his record that he will never make a capable soldier. Nevertheless he was sent to the front the following April, and was killed a few weeks later.
Isn't it sad. How many teenagers and young men were killed as a result of a family squabble among the royal families of Europe? Our armies were lead by the senile and the incompetent, who played soldiers with these young men.
Today is St George's day, but I can't say it fills me with any sense of pride. I'm not proud of my nationality in the first place, nor am I ashamed of it. It is something I have absolutely no control over.
Isn't it sad. How many teenagers and young men were killed as a result of a family squabble among the royal families of Europe? Our armies were lead by the senile and the incompetent, who played soldiers with these young men.
Today is St George's day, but I can't say it fills me with any sense of pride. I'm not proud of my nationality in the first place, nor am I ashamed of it. It is something I have absolutely no control over.
After careful consideration...
I feel more and more satisfied with the way the music is going. It's a different mindset altogether. It has been acknowledged that the pub is getting busier on Sundays, because I am playing there. I am drawing in people that I'd never seen before, as well as people that I do know. For me it's a really big deal that they come in. That's the result of my hard work and my ability, nothing else. I am able to provide something that people want to hear. Also I don't feel completely boxed in there. People are nice enough, but at arm's length. I don't have to talk if I don't want to. I can go and sit in a corner if I want. But I like talking to the people. I join in if and when I feel comfortable to do so. No small talk!! And I'm happy that most conversations start with people telling me how much they've enjoyed themselves.
The same thing applies at the historic building where I play. It was I who suggested that I play music from the same period as the house. It was I who suggested it should be played every time the building opens. The result is that visitors comment that the music enhances their experience of the visit. Also the people who run the building say that it has become part of the building.
I've done all this entirely on my own, when I think about it. What I really need, though, is a few regular bookings which generate income.
The same thing applies at the historic building where I play. It was I who suggested that I play music from the same period as the house. It was I who suggested it should be played every time the building opens. The result is that visitors comment that the music enhances their experience of the visit. Also the people who run the building say that it has become part of the building.
I've done all this entirely on my own, when I think about it. What I really need, though, is a few regular bookings which generate income.
Later on
It's going to be a 'beast of burden' sort of afternoon. I need to collect my keyboard etc from where I played it last Wednesday, and take it to where I'm playing this evening. Mercifully it's only a short distance, and, even more mercifully, someone is going to help me with it. After the 'do' we'll need to take it back again, ready for tomorrow morning.
Weather
I decided to take advantage of the beautifully warm and sunny day, by strolling down to the beach. The quality of light was rather special, and the sea was hazy. It's early in the season so there was hardly anyone there. Ideal!
'Er upstairs
The noise was atrocious all evening. There was stamping and stomping and crying, and the noise of trumpeting elephants. The last noise I heard last night was the toddler crying. The first thing I heard this morning was the trumpeting sound, and the second was the kid crying. And so it goes on.
I went into the front room for me coffee and fags, and enjoyed the beautiful sunny morning. While I was doing so I heard the sound of a throat being cleared, coming from upstairs. Then I saw the contents of what he'd just gobbed up go plummeting past my window. Ain't it lovely.
I went into the front room for me coffee and fags, and enjoyed the beautiful sunny morning. While I was doing so I heard the sound of a throat being cleared, coming from upstairs. Then I saw the contents of what he'd just gobbed up go plummeting past my window. Ain't it lovely.
Last night
When I got home I plugged in all the family history stuff that I'd collected at the library. I was starving hungry by the time I'd finished, but couldn't be bothered to cook. The solution was a Scottish breakfast with both fried bread and tattie scones.
Afterwards I dusted off another seriously good film called The Good Die Young (1954), starring Laurence Harvey, Joan Collins, Margaret Leighton and Richard Baseheart. I got bored with it but listened to it while doing some more on the computer. I turned in before ten.
Afterwards I dusted off another seriously good film called The Good Die Young (1954), starring Laurence Harvey, Joan Collins, Margaret Leighton and Richard Baseheart. I got bored with it but listened to it while doing some more on the computer. I turned in before ten.
Thursday 23 April 2015
A musical interlude
Tomorrow evening I'm playing for the volunteers' party. We have so many 'volunteers' that we only see at parties. I think some of them are in for a bit of a surprise tomorrow.
The visit
I'm quite relieved in a way that it didn't go ahead. I was up early this morning, around five, so feel quite tired anyway. I don't feel at all energetic, and ham glad I didn't have to do any guided tours, or try and think of things to say. It's going to be an early night tonight.
Today
I took a bit of time out, to do some more genealogy stuff on the computer. This morning I sorted out the passport photos, so I'm looking forward to the arrival of my bus pass in about a week. Apart from that I'm pretty much the same as usual.
Wednesday 22 April 2015
The visit
The visitor I was expecting tomorrow has sent me a message, saying he hasn't the money to get down here. That's a pity, but again I feel relieved, as I was dreading not being able to find anything to talk about. Never mind. There's always another time.
A musical interlude
The harpsichording went really well this lunchtime. One lady came and stood not far from where I was playing, and listened for a while. Some other people sat by the doorway and listened. It gives me such a nice feeling that people want to listen to what I play, and I always appreciate it when people say they have enjoyed the music.
I have a friend who is a very good cook. Just after I arrived at the building she popped in with a lovely cake that she had baked for me. People can be very thoughtful. That got me off to a good start.
I have a friend who is a very good cook. Just after I arrived at the building she popped in with a lovely cake that she had baked for me. People can be very thoughtful. That got me off to a good start.
Last night
After a simple but satisfying dinner, I watched The League of Gentlemen (1960) with Jack Hawkins, Bryan Forbes, Roger Livesay, Richard Attenborough, and a really first-class cast. It's a brilliant film, a sort of comedy without being particularly funny. I don't know quite how to describe it. I turned in at ten.
Good news
I've just been to the council offices with the neurology diagnosis. I am entitled to a buss pass and they put my details on the computer. I have to take a photo with me tomorrow, after which I will receive the pass in about a week. This is such good news to me. It means I will no longer be rootbound.
Tuesday 21 April 2015
The grey matter
Lessons went really well just now. After learning some new keyboard skills we went on to have a lot of fun with geometry. It's all very stimulating, and I love all the patterns and correspondences, and how abstract it sometimes is. I can't wait to get on to trigonometry!
My diary
I've just been in touch with my cousins, as they weren't able to visit last weekend after all. We've just booked August Bank Holiday, which suits me better. I had been looking forward to them coming down, but I was dreading it too. It just seemed a bit too soon.
Meanwhile I'm expecting a friend from the Continent on Thursday. I'm not sure if he's ever visited where I live, but I'm sure he's going to enjoy it.
Meanwhile I'm expecting a friend from the Continent on Thursday. I'm not sure if he's ever visited where I live, but I'm sure he's going to enjoy it.
A musical interlude
I've got my three harpsichord sessions this week, and Sunday night at the pub. Unusually I feel upbeat about the whole thing, and not at all worried about Sunday. I'm really looking forward to all of it.
News
The most important story this morning, is that there is a dangerous strain of Asian hornets in France. They have apparently killed six people with their stings, and look set to come to this country. This is very worrying.
Now to minor matters. The general election. The party leaders' fizzogs are splattered all over the place, and it's giving me the hump. I'm so thankful that I haven't got to listen to them too. I think I'd sooner have a lobotomy.
Now to minor matters. The general election. The party leaders' fizzogs are splattered all over the place, and it's giving me the hump. I'm so thankful that I haven't got to listen to them too. I think I'd sooner have a lobotomy.
Pause for thought
I'm very satisfied with the way things are going at the pub where I now play. I wasn't happy to begin with. It all felt very strange. However it has all come together bit by bit, and is now a resounding success. I've got to the point where I'm really happy that I've moved on.
What I've grown to accept is that I have a huge talent for music. Of course I've known about it for a long time, but I couldn't own it. It was as if it wasn't that important, and in a way it felt like it didn't belong to me. Well it is mine and I've worked bloody hard at it, against a background of more-or-less permanent depression. What is more my left wrist was badly damaged when I was mugged, and required an operation to pin most of it back together. That hand still doesn't play as well as the other, but I've worked hard to get it to do as much as it does.
My biggest handicap is my own mindset. I know what I can do, but have real problems when it comes to putting it into practice. I must try and get my head round trying to get more gigs, and more pupils.
What I've grown to accept is that I have a huge talent for music. Of course I've known about it for a long time, but I couldn't own it. It was as if it wasn't that important, and in a way it felt like it didn't belong to me. Well it is mine and I've worked bloody hard at it, against a background of more-or-less permanent depression. What is more my left wrist was badly damaged when I was mugged, and required an operation to pin most of it back together. That hand still doesn't play as well as the other, but I've worked hard to get it to do as much as it does.
My biggest handicap is my own mindset. I know what I can do, but have real problems when it comes to putting it into practice. I must try and get my head round trying to get more gigs, and more pupils.
Melodrama
I had the neurology appointment yesterday afternoon. Before I went in the nurse gave me a 20,000 mile service. She commented that I'd lost weight. That's no surprise because my trousers aren't so tight about the waist, and I'm doing my belt up tighter.
The neurologist isn't going to operate. However I haven't been taking the tablets as I should, so they're not working quite properly. I must make a point of remembering to take the second one during the daytime. I'll see him again in six months.
The neurologist isn't going to operate. However I haven't been taking the tablets as I should, so they're not working quite properly. I must make a point of remembering to take the second one during the daytime. I'll see him again in six months.
Recently
I spent yesterday afternoon plugging away at the family tree, and will do some more this afternoon. It seems a shame, because the weather has been so warm and lovely for the past few days. I want to try and summon up both the will and the energy to resume my coastal walks.
Sleep
I went to bed at eleven and had a bumpy night. My dreams were many and strange, and I woke myself up shouting at one point. I fell out of bed when the alarm rang at seven this morning. Yawn.
Last night
I'm tired of watching the same old documentaries over and over again, so I watched a couple of films after dinner. I started with The Dark Corner (1946) starring Lucille Ball, Clifton Webb and Mark Stevens. I don't generally watch American films, but this one is a really stylish film noir. Afterwards I watched The Gentle Sex (1943) starring Joan Greenwood, Lilli Palmer and Rosamund John, produced and narrated by Leslie Howard. That was a good night in.
Monday 20 April 2015
Last night
I wasn't in a rush to go home after my stint at the pub. I felt like enjoying myself so stayed behind for a pint. I did something I wouldn't normally do nowadays, and got nattering with someone. I really enjoyed it. Well I must have done, because I didn't leave until midnight.
Soon
I'm just about to go for my trip to the workhouse. Groan. I really hate it. My next appointment has been cancelled, which means I will have time to collect my keyboard from the pub, before I go to see the neurologist this afternoon. What a merry life I lead!
A musical interlude
Last night at the pub was a great success. I am starting to see faces over and over again. Also some people knew me from the other establishment and thought I had stopped playing, which they were disappointed about. In short five people that saw me before said they would be coming back on Sundays. There were new people too, and they told me how much they had enjoyed themselves. The pub was busy all night, and I am assured that Sunday was always a quiet night there. There was lots of singing, dancing an playing of the spoons. I don't feel at all intimidated by it anymore.
Saturday 18 April 2015
In the library
Groan. More of the fortune-telling, caravan-owning community are here, together with some of the more basic of the locals. None of them seems to have the slightest concept of consideration for others, nor the slightest notion of how one is supposed to behave in a library. I wonder what went wrong.
Just now
We had a better day where I was playing, as I had hoped. Also some of the people liked my music, as I had also hoped. One lady sat down and listened for a while. Other people said they had been listening from the next room. One lady asked me about the music I was playing. It was a much more enjoyable day for me. I don't like sitting in a corner like a spare part, and playing to myself.
Another musical interlude
Now that I'm going to be at the pub for a while, I'll have to start resurrecting and dusting off some of the classical pieces I used to play. I'll try and get a few of the fast, showy pieces up and running first; really boring I know but that's what people seem to like. The landlord has asked me to add a few more recent popular songs too. I've resisted all this while because I really dislike them, but I suppose I'll have to give in sooner or later.
Today
I'm doing my harpsichord stuff in just over an hour. It's turned a bit cool and cloudy this morning, although dry. I'm hoping that this is the right weather to bring in the visitors. Of course I mean the visitors who enjoy my playing. Sod the others, the miserable buggers.
Last night
I felt really cheerful after my earlier news, so went back to the supermarket and treated myself to a two-quid flagon of fizzy, sweet cider. After dinner I watched one of my favourite films; The Card (1952) starring Alec Guinness, Glynis Johns, Valerie Hobson and Petunia Clarke. I turned in at about ten.
A musical interlude
I was a bit bothered that I hadn't received a reply to the message I sent the pub landlord last Monday, asking whether he wants me to play tomorrow. I decided to drop in there to ask the bar staff, on the was back from the shops. The landlord was there (which is unusual), and he told me he wants me to carry on there until further notice. That's quite a relief.
Friday 17 April 2015
Soon
I've done really well today, having smoked only two fags since nine o'clock this morning. Knowing me, I'll probable smoke another ten on the way home. That's where I'm going now, after a quick visit to the supermarket. Let's see if I can get round without getting run over by a mobility device.
Today
At the library there has been a terrible inundation of the caravan-owning community. I've found it really hard to concentrate on anything, what with all the antics, bad behaviour and, of course, the noise. Of course, one shouldn't say anything about it.
Sleep
I had quite a bumpy night. I woke up loads of times but fell asleep quickly each time I woke. My brain was going like the clappers, and so was my left foot. I woke up like it this morning too. It don't half make you tired.
Last night
I had a quiet night, laughing at the dumbed-down genealogy documentaries I was watching. They tell you something, then they tell you the same thing a minute or two later, as if it were a completely new fact. Then they tell you the same bloody thing again about five minutes afterwards, as if they hadn't even mentioned it previously. It's so irritating it's funny. Does the average viewer of these programmes have the mental capacity of a sea slug? It does make me wonder.
There was hardly any noise from 'er upstairs, which was a bit spooky. I wondered if she'd been rushed into hospital for a mouth transplant, where the old one had got worn out with over-use.
There was hardly any noise from 'er upstairs, which was a bit spooky. I wondered if she'd been rushed into hospital for a mouth transplant, where the old one had got worn out with over-use.
This morning
My cousin contacted me to say that they won't be able to visit this weekend. Although I had been looking forward to it, I was also dreading it, so feel quite relieved that they're not coming. I think it's probably a bit too soon. Anyway we can always do it another time, or not.
Thursday 16 April 2015
Obsession
I've been hard at it again, updating the family tree. It's getting to the point that it's ridiculous. I'm so wrapped up in it, that I feel compelled to spend whatever time I have available, in collecting more names, dates and facts. I went through all this before, when I felt permanently burned out in my last job. Permanently? I felt like that for almost the twelve years that I was there. I hated it, and the daily visits to the National Archives after work took my mind off it all, just for a bit. I suppose it's got a lot to do with how I am. When I want to do something, I'll bloody well do it, and not by halves. I'll keep going until there's nothing else to find out, which will be never.
Grounds for hope?
The general election campaign is underway, and autism has become a hot topic. Four of the main parties have set out their policies as regards service provision. Can any of them be believed?, I ask myself. In all honesty I think the answer is negative. In the first place it would cost money, at a time when the health service (and mental health services in particular) has been subject to reductions in funding. In the second place we have to remember that we are dealing with politicians, and that fact does not inspire me with any confidence whatsoever.
'Er upstairs
She was appalling yesterday evening. Her back door was open, and all the stamping and stomping was set in counterpoint with her voice ricocheting down the street. 'Im upstairs got his tuppence worth too, shouting and hollering and stamping around while playing with the toddler. It went quiet by about eight and I was on tenterhooks , waiting for a further hour's worth to start at about nine. Extraordinarily it didn't happen, and I sat there nervous and edgy until a quarter past ten. I wonder if someone went and spoke to them. You have probably noticed that I don't cope at all well with noise.
News
I had a message this morning from someone I know socially who lives on the continent. He's an author who is about to do a massive sponsored walk to raise money for a mental health charity. Well he's coming down to see me on Thursday. I haven't reached this degree of popularity since the Relief of Ladysmith!!
This morning
It's sunny, but much cooler than yesterday. It's a shame that we couldn't have had this yesterday instead of today. I haven't had a reply from the pub landlord, so can only assume I'm not playing this Sunday. I don't feel very confident.
Last night
I had another quiet night with history documentaries, and went to bed at eleven. I woke up this morning in exactly the same position I fell asleep in, and my bedding was completely undisturbed. I must have been tired.
Yesterday
It was a lovely, very warm day, and the beach was packed. Consequently we had very few visitors at the historic building. Those that did come weren't interested in what I was playing, so I left an hour early. What a waste of time.
Tuesday 14 April 2015
This afternoon
I really feel like going for a walk, but have spent the entire morning trying to collect my thoughts. In short my mind's so busy it has taken over my day. I'm consciously trying to gear myself up to going to the library later on. I shan't hurry anything though. I know how I am when I'm like this, for example crossing roads or going through doorways. I'm concentrating alright, but on all sorts of things.
Just now
I popped out for a fag without a jumper on, and it felt very warm in the sunshine. I enjoyed listening to the peal of bells ringing in the ancient parish church. I don't like the church, but there's something uplifting and joyful about the sound of church bells. They always remind me of the end of the Second World War, that outpouring of jubilation confirming that all those years years of the most terrible strife had finally come to an end. I pondered the idea of every peal of bells in the world ringing simultaneously, and how happy that would sound. Then I remembered that there are so many countries in the world that don't actually have them. And that was that. The bubble burst.
Just a thought
I spend my whole life deep in thought. There isn't a singly moment when I'm not thinking about something, or several things, or just thinking. My moods are up and down, and tend to be more down than up, but I always try to look for something positive in my life. Of course I have a good old moan about things sometimes, more often when I feel depressed, but I try not to make a full-time occupation of it. Unlike some of the people whose numerous posts I see on Facebook. They are either of the 'It's all everyone else's fault. Poor me' type, or a barrage of photos of their offspring, with suitably gushing captions. It gives me the hump.
Interlude
The weather is gorgeous today; blue skies, warm sunshine and only the slightest cool breeze. I do hope it continues for the week. I'm harpsichording as usual tomorrow and at the weekend, and the good weather always brings in the visitors. Also I'd like it to be nice for when my cousins visit, so we won't need to be cooped up indoors. I want them to enjoy themselves.
News
I had the nicest possible email from one of my cousins today, saying that she is coming down to meet me at the weekend. This is a completely new experience for me. In my distant past, when I had a 'family', they never ever visited me. I was the one who did all the travelling. I was the one who always made the effort. But then, they were never family in anything but by biology.
I cannot describe how moved I am.
I cannot describe how moved I am.
Last night
I had a quiet night in with some history documentaries. I was on tenterhooks waiting for the noise to start. It started around half past six, and went on sporadically till about nine. Then it started in earnest. I had an hour and a half worth of stamping, stomping, and what sounded like moving a wardrobe. Of course the toddler grizzled every so often. It ain't the toddler's fault. It's just doing what toddlers do. But why is it running round so late? You should hear its mother. I've finally realised what she sounds like; an elephant trumpeting. She's only small too. You wouldn't credit it.
Monday 13 April 2015
Music (again)
On paper the local museum and historic building is staffed by numerous volunteers. In reality it is the same few people who do all the work. Most of the volunteers are only seen once a year, for the volunteers' annual Christmas party.
There's going to be a volunteers' party later this month, and I've been asked to provide the music. Candidly I think the party's organiser is checking to see how many of the 'volunteers' turn up. I shouldn't be at all surprised if there is the usual stampede to get to all the nice food.
In the meanwhile I don't know yet whether I'm back at the pub this Sunday. I don't particularly mind one way or the other, except that if I'm not playing it will hit me in the pocket. What's come out of it, though, is I can now play that stuff in a pub without feeling intimidated by it all. I sent the pub landlord a text this morning, but have had no reply yet. I expect he's a busy man, but I do hope he answers.
There's going to be a volunteers' party later this month, and I've been asked to provide the music. Candidly I think the party's organiser is checking to see how many of the 'volunteers' turn up. I shouldn't be at all surprised if there is the usual stampede to get to all the nice food.
In the meanwhile I don't know yet whether I'm back at the pub this Sunday. I don't particularly mind one way or the other, except that if I'm not playing it will hit me in the pocket. What's come out of it, though, is I can now play that stuff in a pub without feeling intimidated by it all. I sent the pub landlord a text this morning, but have had no reply yet. I expect he's a busy man, but I do hope he answers.
Moods
Although I'm feeling really pleased with the way things are going with my music, I'm feeling a bit jittery inside. I thought I had put all the painful memories of my childhood, in a place where they could no longer hurt. I now realise that I hadn't done so well at this as I had thought. I hope that at long last, I am finally coming to terms with everything once and for all.
Lately
I keep seeing things about the forthcoming general election. I hear that the telly is bombarding people with election stuff. Do people really take it all so seriously, or is it just media hype? I really don't get it.
Another autism thing
I feel some satisfaction with the way my musical life is going. I'm particularly happy that I'm asked to play classical pieces in the pub, as well as having found the opportunity to play harpsichord music regularly (albeit on a digital keyboard).
My musical activities give me some sort of in-road to an independent social life. I can talk to people in my capacity as a musician, which removes any necessity for small talk, and means I don't have to talk about myself, except from a musical standpoint.
For example I was delighted when one visitor to the historic building came over and asked me about Elizabethan keyboard instruments. Lovely. I was happy that she was interested, and I was able to talk about something I know about, and enjoy talking about.
Another example was when a customer in the pub asked me about my phenominal memory for music. I didn't tell him it was probably connected to my autism. I got around that by explaining it as a process of repetition and practice. Of course in my case that is only part of the explanation. In other areas I can repeat things till I'm blue in the face (for example connecting the components of my hi-fi system), but have no powers of retention and will have forgotten how to do it by the next time I need to do it.
My musical activities give me some sort of in-road to an independent social life. I can talk to people in my capacity as a musician, which removes any necessity for small talk, and means I don't have to talk about myself, except from a musical standpoint.
For example I was delighted when one visitor to the historic building came over and asked me about Elizabethan keyboard instruments. Lovely. I was happy that she was interested, and I was able to talk about something I know about, and enjoy talking about.
Another example was when a customer in the pub asked me about my phenominal memory for music. I didn't tell him it was probably connected to my autism. I got around that by explaining it as a process of repetition and practice. Of course in my case that is only part of the explanation. In other areas I can repeat things till I'm blue in the face (for example connecting the components of my hi-fi system), but have no powers of retention and will have forgotten how to do it by the next time I need to do it.
Another musical interlude
I've just given my first music lesson for today, somewhat earlier than normal. Now we're starting to get to the point where it all gets much more enjoyable for me, and I hope for the student. The days of note-crunching are starting to be a thing of the past. Now we're getting on to things like phrasing, dynamics, tempo and the like, in other words how to play. I think after we've completed this book, we'll go straight onto classical pieces for beginners. I can't wait!
From the past
I've just been outside for a fag. The weather's lovely; hazy sunshine and a cool breeze. That's what spring ought to be like.
While I was there I started thinking about the photo of my Dad that my cousin sent me. I've looked at it several times over the weekend. To begin with I didn't really recognise him, but each time I looked at it the face became more and more familiar. Something similar has happened with my thoughts. The first time I looked, the person was a stranger to me, but each time I've looked since the face has become more and more familiar and recognisable. It's stirred up lots of very unpleasant, confusing and uncomfortable thoughts. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't seen it in the first place.
While I was there I started thinking about the photo of my Dad that my cousin sent me. I've looked at it several times over the weekend. To begin with I didn't really recognise him, but each time I looked at it the face became more and more familiar. Something similar has happened with my thoughts. The first time I looked, the person was a stranger to me, but each time I've looked since the face has become more and more familiar and recognisable. It's stirred up lots of very unpleasant, confusing and uncomfortable thoughts. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't seen it in the first place.
How am I?
All weekend I was still very deaf on the left side. It still hasn't cleared up, but feels noticeably better today; the pressure behind the ear drum has lessened, and I'm hearing a bit better from time to time.
Also my appetite has been improving, and I ate a hearty dinner yesterday evening. What is more I could taste the food. I'm sure I must be on the mend.
Also my appetite has been improving, and I ate a hearty dinner yesterday evening. What is more I could taste the food. I'm sure I must be on the mend.
More autism stuff
I'm determined to press ahead with making a noise about the intolerable delay I am experiencing, in getting an appointment for diagnosis. I know I am not a special case. It is our shared lot. The system is rotten. I have decided that I will not pursue the quango that the first quango referred me to. I am going to take it up with my MP, and want him to take it up on my behalf, rather than just being an anonymous statistic. I know someone who can advise me on this side of things, but they weren't there when I went by this morning. I'll try again later.
This morning
I went to the workhouse for my ten o'clock appointment. There was no sign of the person I was supposed to be seeing. It turns out that the man is on holiday, and my appointment isn't until Wednesday. It's the story of my life. My mind is so full of thoughts that I mess up on things in daily life. I miss details, where my brain is constantly so full of them. That's why I missed out on the interview a week-or-so ago. I was thinking so hard, trying so hard to get it right, that I slipped up.
A musical interlude
This weekend was much quieter than the previous weekend. I'd forgotten that it was Easter last weekend, so more people were out doing the things they enjoy. The pub too was quieter. There were only a few people when I arrived, but it started to pick up during the evening. Some people came in because they saw me playing. The barman told me that some (new) people stayed because of my playing, which is very encouraging. I played more of the classical stuff last night. As a result I got talking to a local artist, who would like some lessons for his daughter. I'm feeling quite upbeat about this side of my life.
Saturday 11 April 2015
Tonight
I'm going to dine in style; (cooked) frozen hamburger in a roll, with some chips from the local fish-and-chippery. After that I think I'll plug in the dvd player and watch some old films. I hope upstairs will be a bit quieter tonight. I find it so hard to concentrate on anything, with all that stomping around.
How am I?
I'm still having murders with the lughole, but I'm determined not to go to the doctors with it. I see emough of doctors as it is. I've been on this vapour stuff since yesterday, and I'm hoping that will clear it.
Weather
After a fine start the grey clouds blew in and it rained for a bit. That has now given way to blue skies, sunshine and a cool breeze. It's lovely outside.
A musical interlude
I didn't have such a good day today. The people came in alright, but most of them weren't interested in my playing. Never mind though. You win some, you lose some. That's the way it goes.
This morning
When I got to the computer I found another email from my cousin. I always look forward to her emails. She's such an interesting person, and makes real people of those that I only know as names or dates. She included photos of my dad and other family members. I didn't recognise him at first. The photo didn't bother me at all; before I got it I'd thought it would. Not only did it not bother me, It generated no reaction at all. It was just a photo of somebody I don't know.
Friday 10 April 2015
Crazy
I've just read the strangest story imaginable. A driver crashed a driving school's vehicle, in order to avoid hitting a stray dog. A stray dog. Which is the more important, dogs or people? If the person is unable to make that sort of decision, perhaps they should be banned from driving, before they end up killing someone.
Limbo
I desperately want a job, but have always had issues around work. With the exception of my last job, there has always come a point where I am no longer able to cope, so I hand in my notice, only to find myself unemployed afterwards. The only exception to this was my last job. I hated it, and suffered twelve years of mental and emotional hell. Many were the times that I could have got up and walked out on the spot, but there were other considerations which prevented me from doing so.
The issues have invariably been in connection with the people I've had to work with. What happens is that the people are such a problem that it affects me emotionally. The feeling stays with me day and night, and makes my life thoroughly miserable. I drank to excess to try and cope with the feelings.
I didn't know then that there were other people out there who felt like I did. Nor did I know that there was a name for how I felt.
I am desperate for a proper diagnosis, so that I can get the type of support I need to get into some meaningful employment. The thought of 'colleagues' is an obstacle to what I really want to do. The truth is that I don't want to work with anyone, but expect the chances of that are extremely remote.
Apparently we live in a modern, civilised country, where the best of healthcare is available. Apparently it is, somewhere, at some point in the unspecified future, but you try getting it.
This shabby, inadequate service provision is also demeaning to the poor professionals who have to deliver it. The issue is not with them. It is with the people who earn huge salaries for managing (or rather mismanaging) the service.
The issues have invariably been in connection with the people I've had to work with. What happens is that the people are such a problem that it affects me emotionally. The feeling stays with me day and night, and makes my life thoroughly miserable. I drank to excess to try and cope with the feelings.
I didn't know then that there were other people out there who felt like I did. Nor did I know that there was a name for how I felt.
I am desperate for a proper diagnosis, so that I can get the type of support I need to get into some meaningful employment. The thought of 'colleagues' is an obstacle to what I really want to do. The truth is that I don't want to work with anyone, but expect the chances of that are extremely remote.
Apparently we live in a modern, civilised country, where the best of healthcare is available. Apparently it is, somewhere, at some point in the unspecified future, but you try getting it.
This shabby, inadequate service provision is also demeaning to the poor professionals who have to deliver it. The issue is not with them. It is with the people who earn huge salaries for managing (or rather mismanaging) the service.
Remembrance
On Sunday it will be two years since my friend died. That's a sad day for me. Yesterday I finally got round to doing something that had been on my mind for a while. I bought an A4 picture frame, and printed a photo of my friend. It's sitting on top of the piano, and that's where it's going to stay. That's where it belongs. It's a visual reminder of whose piano it is, and will always be.
Weather
After a bit of a murky start, it's really lovely outside. It's still a bit hazy but it's bright and sunny, and the sunshine is warm. I do hope it stays like this over the weekend. Good weather always brings people into the old building where I play.
Jumping the gun?
I've been thinking long and hard about what to do next, regarding an appointment for diagnosis. I can't see the point of going top the people that the other lot suggested I contact. I'm quite cynical about it. I expect that door to slam in my face too. I've decided to go down the political route. I know. I don't trust 'em one bit. However someone is drawing a salary on the basis that they represent me. Well let's see if they do.
How am I
I've been going through it with the blocked ear. It's blocked behind the eardrum, and I expect it's probably down to the cold/flu thing, so I've started on this decongestant nasal thing. It gives me relief from time to time, so looks like it may be working.
Last night
After dinner I settled down to a couple of documentaries. I was distracted by all the stomping upstairs, and could neither concentrate nor settle down. The noise went on intermittently until after ten o clock, when I took myself to bed.
Thursday 9 April 2015
Now
Back at the library, and the computers ha\ve been fixed. Full of annoying kids with noisy games machines. It's taken half an hour to get the printer to do anything, so I'll probably run out of time before I can do anything else.
Tonight
I think it'll be a quiet one, either reading or watching documentaries, depending on how I feel. At the moment I'm feeling very lazy and my legs are a bit tired. I might well just flop down on the sofa until I feel like getting up.
Weather update
The fog hasn't quite dispersed, but it's turning into a warm and sunny day. Lovely. It does cheer me up no end. All the greyness we had so much of does makes me feel miserable.
Modern technology
The library's computers are still out of action. You don't realise how much you rely on things, until you haven't got them. Never mind. I can do most of what I need on a friend's computer. I know the other bits and pieces are completely unessential. I always managed without computers before I ever had one. I certainly managed without them before desktop PCs had been invented. The things have completely taken over people's lives.
More autism stuff
I've been digging around online, and looking at other adults' experiences of referral and diagnosis. All of the people seem to have had lengthy waits of several years, before getting the support they need. When they have tried chasing things up, the common experience is one of disengagement by the various authorities.
It doesn't look brilliant for me, does it? I've only been waiting for sixteen months. I'm starting to feel a bit disheartened with it all. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll die of old age before I get the support I need. If I were wealthy enough I'd pay do go private.
It doesn't look brilliant for me, does it? I've only been waiting for sixteen months. I'm starting to feel a bit disheartened with it all. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll die of old age before I get the support I need. If I were wealthy enough I'd pay do go private.
The appointment for diagnosis
I am bewildered by the email I received from the healthcare body. This body lays down recommendations for best practice, and has no authority to see that they are implemented. The recommendations are not binding, and are completely meaningless as far as I can make out. I am feeling quite angry that there appears to be nobody with any overall responsibility for bad practice. I want to make a big noise about the appalling treatment that people like myself are being subjected to. I haven't a clue where to go next. I'll have to think about it.
Lately
I really enjoy my daily online chats with my new cousins. One of them is a keen genealogist, so we've had plenty of notes to compare. She is going to send me some recent photos of my dad and other family members. That's going to be very strange indeed, after all these decades. I have no feelings whatsoever for those people. I suppose it's nothing more than morbid curiosity that makes me want to see the photos.
The weather
It started off quite foggy this morning, and bit by bit the fog is starting to lift. It's still quite chilly outside, and I don't think well see a return of the beautiful weather we had yesterday.
The rest of yesterday
After reading for a bit I went and visited a friend. I had a lovely time in her garden, with a nice cup of coffee and a natter.
I couldn't be bothered to cook anything extravagant, so I had another fried breakfast for dinner. Meanwhile I got a text from a friend, so went out in the evening for a couple of pints. It was very busy when we arrived, so we sat outside until it quietened down a bit. I can't cope with all the simultaneous conversations.
I couldn't be bothered to cook anything extravagant, so I had another fried breakfast for dinner. Meanwhile I got a text from a friend, so went out in the evening for a couple of pints. It was very busy when we arrived, so we sat outside until it quietened down a bit. I can't cope with all the simultaneous conversations.
A musical interlude
Yesterday I walked back from the library to where I was playing, and that took me a good half an hour. Only one member of staff turned up, so they weren't able to open the building. Can you imagine my disappointment and frustration?
Wednesday 8 April 2015
Now
I'm really grumpy, and it will take about half an hour to walk back. I hope the walk will give me time to burn off my temper. This sort of mood will affect my playing. I'd better shut up now.
Yesterday
My documentaries were accompanied by banging, stamping, giggling, laughing and crying. This went on from 6.30pm to 9.45pm. I think I'll probably have to have a word with the people upstairs, in the near future.
Shortly
I'll need to start making my way back to town. I hope the computers will be fixed by this afternoon. I'm not holding my breath though. Today is really giving me the hump.
Weather
After a mild overcast start, it's now warm and overcast. The sun threatens to come out at any moment.
Boring
A few weeks ago, I contacted a national organisation to try and get something done about the unacceptable amount of time I have been waiting for an appointment re autism diagnosis. I was not entirely surprised with the reply I received this morning, saying that there was nothing they could do about it, that their guidelines were not binding on the health service, and that I should contact various other bodies.
What is the point of the organisation I wrote to? It seems to me they are just a quango, with no authority over anything, wasting vast amounts of taxpayers money on keeping themselves in business, and earning huge salaries for themselves. It's bloody criminal. I feel really angry over their reply.
What is the point of the organisation I wrote to? It seems to me they are just a quango, with no authority over anything, wasting vast amounts of taxpayers money on keeping themselves in business, and earning huge salaries for themselves. It's bloody criminal. I feel really angry over their reply.
This morning
It's not the best start to the day. I got to the library, where the computers have been out of action since Saturday afternoon. The computer service is really very good, but it is very inconvenient when the things don't work. So after a three-mile bus journey, I'm in another library, writing before I start playing at eleven.
Last night
I had another night watching history documentaries, before going to bed at half past eleven. I was out like a light, and don't remember anything else until I woke up at six. I felt very tired, so I treated myself to a small cooked breakfast. Aren't I exciting!
Tuesday 7 April 2015
More autism stuff
I do see some real rubbish online. This morning, for example, I read an article describing how one should speak to a person with ASD. I suppose it was designed to be helpful, but I found it completely patronising. It reminded me of the political correctness crap, where one has to watch everything one says and does, in case someone decides to misconstrue your meaning into something horrible. I can't be doing with this dictatorial kind of approach. It's thoroughly nasty, and prevents healthy discussion, and inhibits proper debate.
There is only one way I want to be treated, and that is with consideration and respect. But then I suppose that's what any person would want in the first place.
There is only one way I want to be treated, and that is with consideration and respect. But then I suppose that's what any person would want in the first place.
A pair of beauties
'Er upstairs
I've heard a few virtuoso displays of banging and stamping over the last few days. Last night it was still going on at half past ten. Shouldn't toddlers be in bed by then, or am I just being old-fashioned? I don't hear the woman shouting so much though. That sort of noise really puts me on edge, but I don't think I should say anything about it. If other people are completely inconsiderate, then I suppose the best thing to do is to put up with it. I wish I were religious, so that I could pray for them to move, and for quieter people to move in.
Politics
The general election campaigning is well underway. So what. It's just going to be more of the same. It always is. Long ago I worked it all out. There is a government point of view, and an opposition point of view. Whichever party is voted into office does what any government would do, and likewise for the opposition party.
I'm so glad that I don't watch the telly. At least I haven't got to listen to the bigmouths droning on endlessly, or waxing lyrical about matters of no real importance. These political types do seem to like the sound of their own voices.
I'm so glad that I don't watch the telly. At least I haven't got to listen to the bigmouths droning on endlessly, or waxing lyrical about matters of no real importance. These political types do seem to like the sound of their own voices.
A beast of burden
Let me tell you about my weekend. After I'd finished harpsichording I carried my keyboard from where I'd been playing to where I live. There are stairs in both buildings, and there are gates and fire doors to negotiate where I live. Then I went back for the stand and easel. That evening I took the stand, easel and a heavy bag of music to the pub, then I went back home to collect the keyboard. After I'd finished there, I had another two trips home, and the following morning I had a further two trips to the historic building.
I'm not complaining, because it's something very important to me, but I must confess I'm really starting to feel my age. I ain't gettin' no younger, you know. I really should have taken up the penny whistle instead.
I'm not complaining, because it's something very important to me, but I must confess I'm really starting to feel my age. I ain't gettin' no younger, you know. I really should have taken up the penny whistle instead.
The weather
It's beautiful today, with blue skies and warm sunshine. I do hope it lasts, as it really does cheer me up. I might even take myself for a walk later. I must start doing the coastal walks again, and I want to see the wild plants.
Music
I've got my three lots of harpsichording on the usual days this week. I'm starting to enjoy playing again, at last. I think that has something to do with the last couple of weekends. I certainly feel much better about it than I did.
How am I?
I still haven't got rid of the cold/flu bug. My left ear has been blocked for the past few days, and I am still quite deaf on that side. I know it's to do with catarrh, because I get a whooshing noise when I tilt my head, and I can feel it starting to drain. It's not so sore today as it was at the weekend, and the pressure is less, so I think (or rather, hope) it's starting to clear up.
Last night
I watched a couple of history documentaries before going to bed at eleven. I woke up coughing and lay in bed for a while, thinking and thinking. I got up, and when I checked the time it was ten past four.
Monday 6 April 2015
Weather
We had a beautiful, warm spring day yesterday, and I went for a walk round the old town in the afternoon. After a chilly night and a cold morning, it's brightened up a little, and feels just a tiny bit warmer than this morning.
Now
I'm full of mental exhaustion from this weekend's playing. That's a fact, and not a grumble. I'd happily play like that all the time. Yesterday I played for more-or-less eight hours continuously. That's quite a feat of endurance.
A musical interlude
I've just had the most successful weekend ever, in the music department. People not only enjoyed my harpsichord music as they walked around, but took some time to listen to what I was playing. One man asked me to play some Scarlatti, so I played nothing else until he left. People also enjoyed the Forqueray pieces that I was running through, when I thought there were no visitors in the building.
The pub was a complete revelation to me. The band that was on before me over-ran, so I started half an hour late. There were only two people that I recognised, so I took a deep breath and started playing. It went like a bomb! It was a fantastic night, and what I played was completely driven by the customers. The place was full when I started, and got progressively busier as time went on. Apart from the old-time songs, I played classical pieces, songs from the musicals, and Russian and other folk-songs. A whole string of people wanted to be photographed with me (gulp! I hate that, but let them). Also, a number of people I didn't recognise came in, because they saw me playing. They said they knew me from when I played at the other establishment. When the landlord arrived at about ten, people were dancing, singing and playing the spoons. He was really pleased, as Sundays are usually quiet there, and he paid me more than I expected. I thoroughly enjoyed the night, and finished playing at about half past eleven.
The pub was a complete revelation to me. The band that was on before me over-ran, so I started half an hour late. There were only two people that I recognised, so I took a deep breath and started playing. It went like a bomb! It was a fantastic night, and what I played was completely driven by the customers. The place was full when I started, and got progressively busier as time went on. Apart from the old-time songs, I played classical pieces, songs from the musicals, and Russian and other folk-songs. A whole string of people wanted to be photographed with me (gulp! I hate that, but let them). Also, a number of people I didn't recognise came in, because they saw me playing. They said they knew me from when I played at the other establishment. When the landlord arrived at about ten, people were dancing, singing and playing the spoons. He was really pleased, as Sundays are usually quiet there, and he paid me more than I expected. I thoroughly enjoyed the night, and finished playing at about half past eleven.
Saturday 4 April 2015
The weather
This is one of the most miserable years for weather that I can remember. Everyone is coughing and spluttering where it's been so wet and cold. What is worst of all for me is the darkness. I hate that.
Annoyed
Having been busy until just now, I brought myself to the library to use a computer for the hour or so until it closes. I've just tried plugging my usb drive into all the ports, and none of them work. It's crap. There are no other machines free. What a complete waste of time. And the library will be shut until Tuesday be=cause of Easter.
I used to have to work bank holidays, so why shouldn't libraries and everyone else?
I used to have to work bank holidays, so why shouldn't libraries and everyone else?
Sleep
It wasn't all that brilliant last night. I was wide awake a couple of times. Also my left ear is being affected again by the remains of the horrible cold/flu thing I had. It's aching a bit and very quiet that side, and I feel a bit lop-sided.
Last night
I felt very tired and quite hungry by the time I got home. I was in such a hurry for my dinner that I microwaved the main part of the meal for too long. I rendered parts of it inedible.
My friend from uni stayed over, and it was very embarrassing to dish up something so horrible.
My friend from uni stayed over, and it was very embarrassing to dish up something so horrible.
Thursday night
I was in an artistic frame of mind, so watched documentaries on Turner and Goya. I finished the evening with a documentary about George VI. If anyone's looking for excitement and fun, I'm not the person to come running to!
A musical interlude
While I was out yesterday I bumped into the landlord of the pub where I'd been playing. He asked me if I would like to continue and I replied that I would. That's a big deal for me. The man is very money-driven, and I know he wouldn't have asked me unless I was bringing in the business.
Earlier today my first harpsichording session went very well indeed, and I'm looking forward to playing tomorrow and on Monday. One of the people in charge there has asked me to do a write-up on myself, so they can give it to visitors to try and drum up some business for me. That was really nice of them.
Earlier today my first harpsichording session went very well indeed, and I'm looking forward to playing tomorrow and on Monday. One of the people in charge there has asked me to do a write-up on myself, so they can give it to visitors to try and drum up some business for me. That was really nice of them.
Yesterday
I went to the annual piss-up with my friends.I missed it last year, so it seemed a bit odd to start with. We got there right at the beginning, so it wasn't too crowded to start with. That helped. I was on my best (or worst) behaviour; I ordered half-pints, and drank no more than four pints in over eight hours. I saw the cunts, but wasn't at all bothered by it, and I saw lots of the nice people, and that always makes me feel good.
I had more than a few prickly moments when it got very crowded, and I sometimes felt a little disorientated with all the numerous conversations taking place at the same time, but I'm glad I went. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
I had more than a few prickly moments when it got very crowded, and I sometimes felt a little disorientated with all the numerous conversations taking place at the same time, but I'm glad I went. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Thursday 2 April 2015
Melodramatic news
I've been in touch with the hospital, and my appointment isn't for a couple of weeks. Glad I didn't miss it. Phew!
This afternoon
In a short while I'll be going to the library to try and find more relations. On the way I need to get some food from the butchers. After the library I've got a boring errand to run before I go home. What a whirlwind of excitement my life is!
Just now
Just had a nice walk. We went there by road, and back along the front. The tide was just starting to go out and the waves were fun. The sun has finally started to feel warm, mostly because the breeze has died down. Lovely.
Now
Summoning up the energy to go walking, as the weather has got duller. I think I'm going to enjoy it once I get started after a coffee fix.
Tomorrow
I'm going on the annual piss-up with some of the people who are family to me. I'm going to see people I haven't seen for quite a while, and that will be lovely. I also expect to see people I haven't seen for quite a while but for different reasons, and that will be otherwise...
'cos they're cunts.
Also odd
My brain has been working overtime since I made contact with my new cousins. While they have all sorts of nice things to say about our family, I don't, except when I'm talking about my Great-Gran. I have tactfully, and deliberately avoided saying anything at all about most of them. I certainly don't say anything negative, except that I haven't had contact with my Dad for decades, and want it to stay that way.
My mind has been churning out stuff that I haven't consciously thought of for many decades. Of course these things were always at the back of my mind, but tended to come to the surface in dreams, or rather, nightmares.
I certainly don't miss any of the people I knew. They were horrible, and I mean horrible. The only certain thing with families is that you get what you're given. That's all you can say.
My mind has been churning out stuff that I haven't consciously thought of for many decades. Of course these things were always at the back of my mind, but tended to come to the surface in dreams, or rather, nightmares.
I certainly don't miss any of the people I knew. They were horrible, and I mean horrible. The only certain thing with families is that you get what you're given. That's all you can say.
Odd
Having relatives that seem nice, and that I enjoy talking to, and who enjoy talking to me, is certainly a new experience. Until a couple of weeks ago, apart from my brother, all that I had of my family were mostly unpleasant memories. This is such a nice change, and very welcome. I don't know if I'll ever feel like family, but if we just become good friends, that will be the best possible outcome.
News
Apparently some people from this country tried to join some extremists in the Middle East, and were prevented from doing so when they were stopped at a border. Apparently the said individuals are to be repatriated here.
Is this wise? Do we really want such people back here, where they will pose a permanent threat to the general population? The idea certainly doesn't make me feel safe.
Is this wise? Do we really want such people back here, where they will pose a permanent threat to the general population? The idea certainly doesn't make me feel safe.
Weather
I just went outside for a fag, and the day has improved considerably. We have broken cloud, sunshine and a cool breeze. It's a lovely day but I feel quite detached from it. I can see it, but don't really feel it. It's an odd feeling.
Melodrama
I still haven't heard from the national organisation I wrote to, because of the outrageous delay I am experiencing in getting an appointment for (autism) diagnosis. I hope this means that they are investigating my complaint this time.
Meanwhile last December I had a letter from the hospital, offering me a neurology appointment at the beginning of April. I can't find the letter, so will need to contact them.
There's always something.
Meanwhile last December I had a letter from the hospital, offering me a neurology appointment at the beginning of April. I can't find the letter, so will need to contact them.
There's always something.
Talking heads
There are very few people so fond of the sound of their own voices, as these individuals. I wouldn't mind so much if they were even remotely interesting. Well they're not. They're downright boring. I don't believe a word they say either. I'm so glad I don't watch the telly. I shan't have to listen to them.
This morning
I slept very badly, and my bed was like a war zone when I woke up for the last time. I lay in bed, watching the black and grey clouds roll by. I had the usual coffee and fags for breakfast.
My mood is still very agitated from yesterday, although I'm trying to look as calm as I can. Yesterday was horrible. I don't like losing things, and it really eats me up afterwards, with feelings of utter stupidity and carelessness.
My mood is still very agitated from yesterday, although I'm trying to look as calm as I can. Yesterday was horrible. I don't like losing things, and it really eats me up afterwards, with feelings of utter stupidity and carelessness.
Last night
I still didn't feel like eating, but reluctantly converted some of the previous day's mince into chili con carne. I ate about 8pm then watched a documentary about women in the 1960s. Afterwards I watched something about India around 1000 a.d. Although interesting, the presenter really got on my nerves when his opinions got in the way of the facts. One moment he was grovellingly apologetic about the British Raj. The next moment he was extolling the virtues of the Chola Empire, and its various colonies around South-East Asia. Fucking hypocrite.
Wow!!!
This is an amazing idea, and it makes such good sense. Many autistic people are indeed talented. What we lack is the ability to make connections with the outside world, and realise our full potential. With such an initiative as this, autistic people would be able to make a valuable contribution to the world.
An autistic thing
With me this is true, but not in the way you might think. This doesn't apply to me in a visual sense. I am quite unobservant, and don't pick up on subtle changes. It applies to me in terms of sound, harmony, and anything musical, and this used to show itself in my academic essays. My lecturers often said that my observations were very subtle, and of the highest order, It's a shame I am unable to apply this to the rest of my life.
Wednesday 1 April 2015
A pest
Keep seeing annoying person. Just saw him in the library. His voice is like Arthur Pewtie, from Monty Python. It could easily send me into a coma.
While I think about it
I don't watch the telly, and am sitting here thinking of all the rubbish they broadcast, and how it annoys me. Unfortunately I can't watch soap operas, docu-dramas, sports, election coverage, daytime tv or whatever other miskellaneous shite they think will entertain me. I'm sure it must be a great loss to myself, but that bitter pill I suppose I shall just have to swallow.
Tonight
I'll have an easy night. I don't need to cook, because I've got leftovers from yesterday. After dinner I expect I'll watch some documentaries or read for a bit.
Just now
I've been at the computer again, collecting names to put on the family tree. It has done its job by taking my mind off things for an hour or two (or several). I'll plug all the stuff in once I get home.
I'm feeling really fed up with today. I want to go to bed later, sleep properly, and wake up in the morning feeling less tense.
I'm feeling really fed up with today. I want to go to bed later, sleep properly, and wake up in the morning feeling less tense.
Just now
I spent a few hours writing a very good job application. Then I went to the supermarket, withdrew some money, and spent a little so as I'd have change for the photo machine. I sat down in the booth, and the display showed that it was out of order. That threw me for six, and I made my way to the high street to see if I could find another one. When I got to the high street, I realised I didn't have my application form and cv.
Since then I've been back to the supermarket twice, and retraced my steps twice.
I really don't like the idea of someone finding my personal details, and it's really put me on edge. I've contacted the workhouse to let them know what happened and that I'm not going this afternoon. I'll try and pull myself together to try again tomorrow. I think the job is so abhorrent to me that the very idea of it has become an obstacle, a barrier to my trying to get it. It's crap. If I were getting the support I need, and which I'm entitled to, I wouldn't have to go through rubbish like this. Today has been horrible.
Since then I've been back to the supermarket twice, and retraced my steps twice.
I really don't like the idea of someone finding my personal details, and it's really put me on edge. I've contacted the workhouse to let them know what happened and that I'm not going this afternoon. I'll try and pull myself together to try again tomorrow. I think the job is so abhorrent to me that the very idea of it has become an obstacle, a barrier to my trying to get it. It's crap. If I were getting the support I need, and which I'm entitled to, I wouldn't have to go through rubbish like this. Today has been horrible.
Yesterday afternoon
I met up with my friend from uni again, which was a lovely surprise. We went to a nearby coastal town via the old church, walked along the front, and had some nice buns on the way back to the car.
I didn't feel very chatty yeaterday, and can't be sure whether it showed. I hope not.
I didn't feel very chatty yeaterday, and can't be sure whether it showed. I hope not.
Obsession
Yesterday I spent a lot of time in a completely useless pursuit, namely collecting more relations for the family tree. I found another 90-odd which I plugged in when I got home. I suppose it's a complete lack of blood relations, combined with the way my mind works, which is driving this.
At around 7pm I sat down for a fag, prior to cooking. When I looked out of the window I saw this:
Lovely!
At around 7pm I sat down for a fag, prior to cooking. When I looked out of the window I saw this:
This morning
I'm going to apply for a really inappropriate job in a couple of hours. I'm going to do my best to get it, but I know that it will only be a matter of time before I find it difficult to cope with the people. It has been on my mind all week, and prevented me from sleeping properly last night. I'd been putting off completing the application form, and did so this morning. I really fucked it up, so went and got another one to fill out. I don't really want to talk to the people when I go for the job, and am no good at painted-on smiles. I'm really down about it, and that will probably be evident to the people I have to see. It's crap.
Last night
I didn't fancy eating but knew I should, so started cooking at about 7.30pm. The very unappetising mince was ready an hour later. Afterwards I watched some documentaries on Queen Victoria's progeny, before turning in at ten.
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