Autism stuff

My mood has been going down over the past week. There is no reason for it that I can think of. My life is infinitely better than it was two months ago. The only thing I can put it down to is that nasty combination of autism and anxiety with depressive disorder. The last bit seems to be a law unto itself, creeping up on me and talking hold whenever it wants. I am certainly satisfied with my lot and should be feeling happy now, but I don't. Apparently anxiety & depression behave differently for autistic people than for people at large. I don't know enough about it. I'm not a doctor. All I know is that it's a cunt, and I want it to go away.

Life and death

I arrived at the doctors' surgery this morning, full of trepidation about my appointment. I was fully expecting a (well-deserved) bollocking from the doctor over my not-too-healthy lifestyle. However that was not to be. What a change from the aggressive stance of my previous G.P. The doctor talked me through the treatments for anaemia and for high cholesterol levels. I started on the anaemia tablets yesterday, and since then I have felt considerably better in myself.
Yesterday afternoon I finally got round to digging the last part of the front garden. I've planted most of what I have dug, and will look for a few more plants later on. There is a quite substantial mound of garden waste by the front door. I'll try and bag it up over the weekend, and bung the dustmen some money for taking it.

In the garden

When I get up in the morning I always have my coffee and fags by the back-door window, so I can keep an eye out for what is going on in the garden. Any sign of the green parrots, seagulls, feral pigeons, crows or cats and I'm straight out there with the broom. They tend not to like it. The birds that I do feed are getting used to me now, so long as I am behind the kitchen window. The morning feeding ritual is really quite funny. To begin with, all the birds would fly away as soon as the back door opened. Now they just jump up onto the nearest branch as soon as the door opens, and they are back down within seconds of it closing. I expect that common wild birds must be quite boring to a lot of people, but I've really grown to enjoy them. They are now a permanent part of the garden that I've always wanted, but never had until now.
I had the blood tests this morning and made the nurse laugh when I came out with a joke from a Carry On film (Nothing to worry about. It's just a little prick). It seems that I have vitamin B12 deficiency, which may mean a lifetime of injections. I won't know that until I see the doctor later on this week. It would explain how I've been feeling; extreme tiredness, lack of energy, low mood, pins and needles). I can't wait to get it sorted out.

On reflection

I've had quite an interesting few years, to put it mildly. Three of my worst years ever have given way to one of my best. I must be quite indestructable to have got through what I have, but here I am, rearing to go. It has taken its toll though. I have aged noticeably over the period, and I feel generally tireder.
Because of the tablets I have to take, I am supposed to have a yearly blood test to make sure they are not doing any damage. I haven't had one for years. My previous doctor was an unmitigated disaster. My new doctor, however, is really on the case. She must have been through my records, as she called me in to have the said blood tests. Apparently they didn't look right, so I had to go in for a second lot of tests last week. I wasn't expecting the results until this week, but they rang me back that same afternoon, as the doctor said she was concerned. I am going in for another lot tomorrow morning and will see the doctor later this week. I am not at all worried, but I may well get an explanation as to why I have been feeling so run-down (actually I have been feeling pretty dreadful) for such a long time. You get to a certain age when you wonder what is going to drop off next (!!!)
I have kept myself busy at home, and have nearly finished sorting out the front garden. It is going to look lovely in the summer. Meanwhile I have decided to reduce the number of days I work at the historic building. Thew manager comes in for a few hours at the weekend, but otherwise I am left to get on with running the place. I feel that I have been used very badly. Apart from that I am very unhappy with the manager's general conduct. If the man wants to be the manager, then he had better start managing. I am too tired to carry any passengers.

The autistic gardener

Last week I dismantled and moved the previous tenant's playground and left it in the front garden. The local tinkers took no interest. I'd rather hoped they would take the scrap metal and get something for it. Luckily on Saturday the landlord drove down in his van, so I got him to take most of it. It was dark, cold and pissing down with rain when he came, and we missed a few things where we couldn't see them. I caught the dustmen this morning, and they were glad to take the remaining items for a small donation. Great! Now my front garden is clear.
This morning I did what I wanted to do on my first Sunday off (if I'd been able to take it, and took myself to the garden centre. When I got back home I got to work and cleared half of the overgrown wilderness that is my front garden, and planted it out with roses. Well, it is a start, and I am really glad I did it.

Unexpected

Last week I had a few things that didn't go as they should have done. First of all there was the appointment at the shrink's. Although it worked out well in the end, I hadn't been told what the appointment was about, so turned up very apprehensive and not knowing what to expect. I| did have (very polite but honest) words with the man about it. That sort of arrangement is one of the worst things you can do to someone with autism.
Then on Saturday my hopes of a Sunday off were dashed. Early on one of the people who works there contacted me to say they weren't well enough to come in over the weekend. Then I heard the irritating cunt wasn't well with something, and we weren't sure if he'd be in on the Sunday. So that was that. The next day I went in as usual. The person who had caused me to stop doing Sundays turned up, so I didn't hang about. I left an hour and as half early.
The landlord turned up on Saturday night to collect his post, so I thought. What he didn't tell me was that he'd be doing some odd jobs too. Of course the things needed doing, but I was really hacked off about it. Why couldn't he have told me first? Then I wouldn't have had to stop cooking and end up eating two hours later than usual.
All these events have ground me down a bit, and my mood has been taking a nose-dive since my appointment with the shrink. People really do get on my nerves.

Deep in thought

Blimey, it wasn't half cold yesterday!! I turned up at the historic building a bit later than usual (but still quite early), and was surprised when the manager turned up. You see he doesn't usually come in on Fridays, so I knew why he'd come in. He asked me why I had decided not to work on Sundays. I explained very calmly and unemotionally (which was not easy, and I particularly concentrated on avoiding the phrase 'irritating cunt' (I must buy him a tube of Vagisil one of these days)). So from now on, I will do nicer and more constructive things of a Sunday. The weather deteriorated early on. As we had no visitors and the streets were deserted, I closed the building after an hour.
I had a good night's sleep, the first in a while, ands woke up deep in thought. It was all about democracy, and our national and international leaders. People really have been let down very badly. Capitalism runs unchecked. Peace does not prevail in the world. Some leaders, by their words and actions, not only damage their countries' reputations, but stoke up international hostility at the same time. In this country public services are chronically underfunded. Then those services are vilified for failing to perform, before being sold off piecemeal to the government's donors (some of whom pay no tax in this country). Although people deserve much better, in the end it is their own fault for electing the parties that are doing so much damage. That is the danger of democracy. People are allowed to vote for things when they don't understand what they are voting for.
The landlord is coming this afternoon to collect his mail. There are a few things I need to point out to him, things that aren't working as they should.

Out with the old...

When I moved into the new house, I inherited a whole load of miscellaneous junk that had been left by the previous tenant. Thew landlord, of course, said he would see to its removal. The landlord, of course, has done no such thing. The very sight of the stuff, cluttering up my back garden, was really getting on my nerves so, yesterday afternoon, I took the bull by the horns and decided to do something about it myself. I spent the whole afternoon dismantling swings, slides, climbing frames and other such monstrosities. It was such hard work, as the things had been put together very badly. They were twisted and buckles, and many of the bolts had rusted up. So, after a lot of brute exertion on my part, the stuff is all in pieces in the front garden. When the dustmen come next week, I will bung them a few quid to take it all away. I've had a terrible backache ever since, and am starting to walk like John Wayne. Meanwhile I had paid the local council to remove a particularly nasty armchair that had been sitting by the front door. This morning it cheered me up, despite the rain and chilly air, to see that it had been removed.
This morning I've got a spell at the historic building to look forward to. I will do my very best to avoid getting annoyed.

Peace of mind

At the historic building I have serious issues around one person. He doesn't stop droning on. It is like one continuous, monotonous sentence that starts as soon as he steps through the door, and doesn't finish until he leaves. He really does my head in, and has caused me to walk out on several occasions. Last Sunday it took our visitors fifteen minutes or longer to walk the five yards from the reception desk to the staircase. I know that because I could hear the boring cunt droning on and on to them. By the time the visitors finally made it upstairs, they were interested in neither my music nor the display of period costume in the next room. I got talking to the woman who is in charge of the costume, and we made a joint realisation; when that particular man is on duty, our visitors behave differently. Instead of taking their time, they are in and out very quickly. It was so bad that this time, the woman who does the costumes got up and walked out.
So yesterday I made two decisions I feel good about. Firstly I am not going to work any more Sundays. I have plenty of more constructive things I can spend my time doing. Secondly I am going to stand back a bit and not do so much there as I have been. I really feel I have been taken for granted, particularly when someone else who is supposed to be the manager, gets all the credit.

Life and Death

I have finally plucked up the courage to deal with something I had been ignoring for a very long time, and took myself to the doctors this morning. A lump, which had been getting larger over the years, turned out to be a cyst, and nothing more malevolent.
I am not frightened of death. It is just a logical and inevitable part of life. I am not frightened of cancer, so long as it isn't painful. What does bother me is the conversations I would have to have if the diagnosis were bad. It doesn't particularly matter to me whether I die. I am completely unemotional about it. What would matter, though, is how it would affect those few people I have become close to. I still don't know how I would deal with this situation when it is my turn.