Just now

I've had a call from the health worker I saw last week. She told me exactly what I told her. The waiting listy for diagnosis is over two years. She also suggested I contact the autism charity I told her I'd already contacted. Well done health worker. That was a real masterpiece of detection.

Class

Queen Victoria presented her family to the nation as being middle class. Last night's documentary set my mind racing. When I was very small I asked my dad what class we were. He said we were working class, and proud of it. I didn't understand then and don't understand now. I certainly can't be proud of servility, deference and a willingness to be exploited. If he was proud if that, then he's a bigger idiot than he appears.

My interests might be described as middle class. That really offends me. Middle class to me signifies a comfortable smugness, an indifference to those less fortunate, snobbery, and an overbearing materialism, and Daily Mail attitudes.

We still have some vestiges of the class system in this country, but I refuse to wear someone else's labels. The whole idea is crap.

This morning

I woke up around six o'clock after a very unsettled night, coughing hard. It was ferociously windy outside. I could hear bangs, crashes, crunches and things being blown down the street. In short it's nasty outside. After the usual coffee and fags breakfast I went to the front to take some pictures. I nearly got blown over once or twice. It certainly doesn't feel like spring at all.

Last night

I watched documentaries about the building of new towns in the 1960s, Indian history and her late majesty Queen Victoria. Very enjoyable and quite uneventful. Bed at ten.

Now

Bloody weather. Looks bloody miserable outside. Too bloody windy. Apart from that it's not too bad at all. We're still luckier in this country than many poor people in the world, who have to contend with earthquakes, typhoons, extreme heat or cold, extreme wet or dry and so many other terrible conditions.

Tonight

It'll be another quiet one for me, in the company of some documentaries or possibly a book. I won't want to be out and about in the weather that has set in.

The weather

The weather really doesn't seem to know what it's doing. The blue skies of earlier have been replaced by more of the horrible grey stuff. It's getting windier now, and I've been told that we're in for some gales over the next few days. Boring.

Just now

Phase two of the lessons also went very well. After a spot of piano, we got our teeth into some algebra. It's a shame that in my day, it was taught as something very dry and boring. I'm sure the teachers didn't realise how stimulating and what fun it can be. It certainly didn't come across in the way it was taught. Or is it just people like me that enjoy it? I wonder.

Just now

The first round of lessons went very well indeed. We started with maths for a change, and had our first look at the geometry of circles. That was such fun. Then we flew through the piano stuff, and learned a new piece. That is very satisfying for me.

Earlier on

My friend from Uni came over, and we went for a lovely walk along the coast. Although it's a bit windy, it was beautifully sunny and not at all cold. We had a very good lunch while we were out. What I enjoyed most, though, was the great company, the laughs, and the intelligent conversation. Well the conversation went from the intelligent to the downright silly, and everything in between. That's exactly my kind of talk.

Now

I'm really not used to alcohol anymore. I had two and a half pints of cider last night, and feel like I must have drunk a gallon. Or, am I just getting old?

Now

I've just had a nice surprise. My friend from Uni is coming over, and we're going to have lunch together. This must be an all-time first for me; three hot meals in one day!

A musical interlude

The harpsichording went well over the weekend. I stayed downstairs, as I hadn't the energy to move the keyboard and its bits back upstairs. One of the volunteers just won't stop talking. His voice is loud, and he does talk such absolute shit. I could feel my temper rising, when I was trying to concentrate on what I was playing, against a background of that cunt talking about illnesses, food, and his dodgy historical opinions. I'm definitely moving back upstairs this weekend.

Sleep

I slept very soundly on Saturday and Sunday nights. However I woke up both mornings coughing very hard, and that's tiring, so haven't really felt the benefit yet. I wish this cough/cold/flue thing would hurry up and get clear. I'm really sick and tired of it.

Food

Early yesterday afternoon I had a couple of rolls. I was hungry but had no appetite. I really felt quite low about having to play in the evening. I made some dinner later on but couldn't do any more than pick at it.
I finished last night feeling very hungry, and woke up very cold and shaky. I decided to splash out on a fried breakfast at the local greasy spoon, and that sorted me out in minutes.

Last night

I was dreading playing at the pub. When I got there, there were plenty of people I knew. Later on some of my close people came by, which was really lovely. A woman I didn't recognise came in, and played the spoons to the old-time songs, which was great fun. That was my last session at the pub, and the first one that I genuinely enjoyed.

This week

I turned up for Dunce's School this morning, and was told it had been cancelled. That's no great loss. That means it will be lessons as usual this afternoon, instead of early evening. That's the best outcome.

Why?

Why are people so fucking annoying? In the library now: annoying mother and annoying kid. Kid won't stop singing except to talk. Kid has terrible voice and some sort of behavioural issues. Come to think of it, I suspect the mother has the latter too. A case of the blind leading the blind? It's terribly sad, when I think about it.

Weather

It has gone downhill since I started playing. It's now quite dark outside, and has got very windy. It looks like we're in for some rain too. Bloody weather.

Just now

The playing went really well, and people said some lovely things about it. It was quiet for the first hour or so, but after that there was a steady stream of visitors. The people have asked me to play for an event in June. Of course I've agreed.

Now (again)

Here we go then! I haven't put a suit on today. I've decided it's probably wiser to keep myself warm, so I've got a comfy jumper on, with blue jeans. Anyway nobody can see my legs when I play.

Now

It's more of the same. I'm back on the family history, bored, looking for names and dates that, in truth, I'm not even remotely interested in. It's probably one of those obsessive things associated with my type of autism.

This week

I don't know how this is going to work, but I have the following things scheduled for the coming week:

I have to go to dunce's school. The five-day course has apparently been compressed into four days because of Easter. I cannot attend for two of the days, because I have to go to a local tourist attraction to try and get a job. I can't see it somehow. Can you imagine me being nice and smiley, surrounded by screaming and needy kids? I'd probably lose the plot within an hour of starting.

A musical interlude

I'm harpsichording today and tomorrow as usual. I still don't feel quite myself, which makes it all such an effort. It will be more bearable if we get a good number of visitors.

Weather

When I woke up it was dull, clammy and grey, but not at all cold. I could see that it had rained during the night. Since then it seems to be brightening up bit by bit, with the occasional glimmer of brightness. I do hope the sun comes out today.

Sleep

I was out like a light, and woke up coughing and choking at about half past five this morning. It's not a very nice way to wake up, and it takes some time to feel comfortable afterwards.

Last night

After the (even more delicious) leftovers from the previous day, I watched a few history documentaries before going to bed at ten. I splashed out and had a very enjoyable bottle of wine. Oh, the high life!

Just now

Getting back to me old ways again.That's I don't know how much time gone, looking for names and dates to stick on the family tree. I'll plug in all the data once I get home. I'm beginning to think I've had enough of computers for today.

In the library

One very loud woman can't stop talking. I wish she'd just SHUT THE FUCK UP before I completely lose it. Fucking idiot. She's old enough to know fucking better, but I really don't think she should be allowed out without a responsible adult to supervise her.

Just now

I'm getting ever more impressed with my local butcher. I just bought a largish, well-cooked pork chop for only 99p. It's a pity they only do them at lunchtime, because something like that could sort me out for dinner, and save me having to cook.

Food

My appetite seems to have come back with a vengeance. I don't know how I could possibly feel so hungry, after the large dinner I had last night. It'll be cooked meat and hamburger-joint chips for lunch.
I realise that I lost nearly two inches off my belly when I was ill. My body wants just a bit more weight on it.

Weather update

I've just been out for a fag, and what a change! Blue skies, sunshine and warmth! It's been a bit of a while coming, but well worth the wait. Lovely.

A musical interlude

I'm playing at the pub this Sunday, having cancelled last week's booking due to illness. I'm not really looking forward to it, although I do need the pennies, and hope it will be the last time.

The weather

It's so much nicer today; overcast but with a glimmer of brightness. I went for a walk along the front this morning, but had to turn back. The wind was too strong and too cold. I had to content myself with a look around the pound shop instead.

Sleep

I don't remember waking up during the night, but my bedding was all over the place when I woke up this morning. Today started with a very bad cough, but I'm convinced that my body is now starting to get rid of all the muck. When I'm not myself, I always find mornings and nights worse than daytimes.

How am I?

I still haven't shrugged off this bug thing. Yesterday, though, I had so much more energy, and sat up all evening instead of having to lie down. The headache has almost gone too. It's a marked improvement, and very welcome.

Last night

I had a lovely dinner of pork, puy lentils and aubergine, cooked in paprika and saffron, dished up with salad and brown rice. That was so enjoyable for a change. Afterwards I watched a few documentaries, before going to bed at ten.

Last night

Now I remember what I'd forgotten earlier. The first documentary I watched was about Charles Dickens' wife Catherine. It was very well presented and researched, and very funny at times. The poor woman was treated horribly by her husband. I really enjoy Dickens' novels, but now dislike Dickens, the man, intensely, for the psychological cruelty he inflicted on poor Catherine.

'Er upstairs

Last night it was all quiet again upstairs. No shouting, no crying, no grizzling. Whatever next? I could start getting used to this, you know!

Food

My appetite is back. I had a huge (by my standards) breakfast this morning, but the feeling of satisfaction in the stomach department has worn off. I'm going to treat myself to something different for dinner tonight. I'm fed up of my own minced meat concoctions. I've had sausages once or twice (or umpteen times) too often. I haven't a clue what I'm going to have. I'll make my mind up once I've seen what they've got in the supermarket.

Boring

This is the time of day where we all have to listen to that git with the hyperactive gob mouthing off endlessly on his phone. Just because he has a mouth, does he need to remind himself of that fact by using it non-stop?

Faces one can trust

I read that an unusually large number of MPs will not be standing at the next General Election. Good. My only worry is that there will be plenty more hopefuls to replace them.

A tolerant society

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-32063006

This is another story about bakers in Northern Ireland refusing to make cakes with a 'gay' slogan. That's bad business sense. The baker is alienating customers and losing future custom. I do not believe in religion, yet will happily eat a hot cross bun. It's a cake.
I for one would never eat a cake made by this company. I find its behaviour grossly offensive.

An observation

It does seem strange having relatives that aren't being horrible to you, and that don't want anything off you. Why couldn't a few more of my relatives have been this nice?

Now

I've just been back at the Family tree again. I thought it was a sign I must be feeling better. On second thoughts, perhaps I'm feeling worse. Never mind. I think I must be getting better, as the general fatigue hasn't kicked in all day. YAY!!!!!

An autistic thing

http://t.co/zbSrVJFGjo?fb_ref=Default

Self-harming is relatively common among autistic people. When I was a teenager I used to prick my fingertips with sharp objects. I did grow out of that many years ago. Nowadays, any self-harm is always of the psychological king, and manifests itself as depression, worry, lack of self-esteem, and a whole variety of similar, negative thoughts. It's a tough one to crack. I haven't yet managed to.

Weather

It's rotten this morning; grey, cold, rainy and windy. It's just like winter.

This morning

I had a lovely email from one of my new cousins. She sent me a wonderful photo of my great-gran on Coronation Day, 1953. I'd never seen her in full health, until now. She also included a couple of photos of people I'd never seen before. This is the part of family history that I really enjoy.
She did comment, however, that she thought it such a shame that I won't have anything to do with my day. I replied that I had my reasons, but didn't intend to go on about it.

The plague

All of last night I coughed very badly indeed. I continued the same all night, and got up at four feeling ghastly. I (finally) had a bath around six this morning, and then had a cooked breakfast. I'm still not right, but feel so much better than I did yesterday.

Last night

I had some leftovers from the previous day, then watched Millions Like Us (1943), a delightful wartime propaganda film. Afterwards I watched something I can't remember, followed by a documentary on domestic servants, and went to bed at ten.

Now

I'f definitely fading fast. The eyes are heavy, and the knees ache. I think it will be home time in a moment, with a little detour via the supermarket. Yawn.

Feeling sad

Apparently the Prime Minister is giving his last 'question time' before the next general election. I'm sure there will be nobody sadder than he, at the prospect of his not being able to exercise the vocal chords with such tedious regularity. As his speech-writer may have put it:

'I cannot, may not and shall not hold another Prime Minister's Question Time before the General Election'.

Also we read that the Prime Minister does not intend to stay in his present office for a further term. That's such a terrible loss to us all, I don't think.

A picture of toleration

http://www.haaretz.com/news/middle-east/1.648774

This 'ere person has just had two journalists sent to prison, for mocking him in an article. The very same 'ere person wants his country to be allowed to join the EEC. There are just one or two reasonable objections:

1) His country ain't in Europe. Please correct me if my information is inaccurate, but I've even checked the atlas.

2) Free speech is a principle held in common by all the member states of the EEC. This 'ere person seems to be completely unaware of what free speech is.

I'm sure I could find plenty of objections within a very short space of time, and without having to look very hard, but I can't be bothered right now.

Memory lane

I've been thinking about my dad's family ever since I made contact with the new cousins. They have such lovely memories of my dad's mother. All I remember is a rather cold and distant figure we saw once in a blue moon.
She idolised the two cousins I knew. Whenever she was told about anything I'd done, she'd either have to go one better with something my cousins had done, or would simply look on, unimpressed.
My two cousins were girls (and I expect they still are). The three new cousins are girls. On one visit to us, dad's mum came into our house carrying a little girl who lived in our street, beaming and saying how lovely she was. I don't remember her giving one single cuddle, ever, to my brothers and I.
I think I know what happened. I think she didn't like boys. I wonder if she was some sort of half-crazed lesbian?

Now

I'm starting to flag again, and feel like I could do with a nap. I'm not going home just yet though. I daren't risk it. What if upstairs start piping up again? What if the last two peaceful days were just a fluke? I can't possibly rest when I feel so unsettled.

Food

I'm definitely beginning to find it easier to eat. Last night I even had a tiny portion of cold leftovers later on. This lunchtime I had a hot slice of cooked pork from the butchers, and some hamburger-joint chips. I can't keep on doing that. Apart from all the salt (which I can still taste), I don't want to get fat.
The next hurdle to cross will be to have a bath. I'll try and have one in the morning.

Wallowing in their own filth

http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/politics-and-nation/india-votes-in-favour-of-russian-resolution-at-un-on-gay-issue/articleshow/46686451.cms

Again we see the usual bunch of borderline democracies and nasty regimes flocking together like a pack of vultures, to try and get this nasty piece of legislation through. Luckily for their intended victims, they were unsuccessful. Interestingly all but one of the countries is run by the clergy. The other one is run by one person. Says it all.

Exciting!

I had a message from one of my 'new' cousins, asking for my email address. I'm hoping she might be trying to send me some photos. I can't wait! It's going to be strange, though, seeing those faces after so many decades. I particularly want to see what my dad's mother looks like. I think that once I've seen her, it might help to put all the resentment and sadness behind me.

A musical interlude

I'm not playing today. I really don't feel up to it, so I went there and told them. I don't like letting people down, and feel a bit bad about it. I suppose sometimes these things can't be helped.

Just now

I arrived at the centre just before my ten 0'clock appointment. The lady I was to see me arrived at half past ten, and I went in about five minutes later. She listened to, and understood what I was saying. She offered me counselling with a christian charity, which, of course, I dismissed out of hand. She then rang a number to help me lodge a complaint about the unacceptably long time I've waited for the appointment (which still hasn't been offered). That number said they didn't deal with mental health complaints, and gave her another phone number. She rang that, and was given another phone number. When she rang that number, it went onto ansafone, and she left a message on it. The lady will follow through for me, and let me know what happens. I'm glad I went.

Humanity's shame

https://www.facebook.com/AmnestyUK/photos/a.398583814394.172651.7624294394/10153172466004395/?type=1

Yes. I think there is no justification whatsoever for its continued use. It belongs in the Middle Ages, rather than the 21st Century.

Later on

I'm going to see the health worker very shortly. Afterwards I'm supposed to be harpsichording, but don't in all honester really feel up to it. If I still feel like this at eleven, I'm going to go there and cancel.

This morning

I got to the library just before opening time, and was greeted by 'Hi Guv'nor. It's bloody freezin' today, isn't it? It is cold, isnt't it?' He went straight into a rant about something. He talked so fast that, luckily, he was easy to ignore. He then stopped for an answer to something, and I said 'WHAT?, obviously sounding very cross. He started talking to someone else. I could have belted him one. I simply hate negativity.

Sleep

My sleep was quite disturbed by the cough, and I got up at five this morning feeling tired. I coughed continuously ever since I woke up, but it seems to be quietening down now.

Last night

I couldn't face pasta, so cobbled together a sort of minced meat stew, and had it with rice. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and ate what I'd dished up. I watched a lovely, silly film called The Ghosts of Berkeley Square (1947), starring Robert Morley and Felix Aylmer. That kept my attention for a bit. Then I watched some documentaries, but can't remember what I watched. I coughed very badly all night.
The people upstairs were scarily quiet again. I wonder if someone has had a word with them.

Later on

I've decided to make a meat sauce when I get home, and have it with some pasta. I'd rather have a minced meat stew and mash, but I can't get my head round the extra work. I want to make things as easy as possible at the moment.

Now

I'm feeling really tired again. What I really want to do is to go home, and have a sleep on the sofa. I'm not even going to think about it, though. I know that something will either wake me up, or stop me settling down. The library is like home from home. There are kids grizzling downstairs, and their mothers shouting at them.
I still don't feel great, and what would do me the power of good, is a rest. Dream on.

Spot the difference

One of these people is Willem III of the Netherlands. The other is Bill Oddie, the tv presenter. Which is which?

Another history lesson

I felt like another laugh, and started sniggering away at the thought of Isobel II of Spain. She doesn't look too bad in the portrait, does she? The figure's not bad. The dress is nice, and the face ain't too hideous.

This is what she really looked like at the time. According to first-hand accounts of her, she was every bit as cheerful as in the photo. She was the life and soul of the party, bless her little heart. Anyone can see the woman's determined to have a laugh.

A history lesson

I wanted cheering up a bit, so started thinking about prehistoric European royalty. This is Maria Luisa of Parma (1751-1819), consort of Carlos IV of Spain. She was scheming, crafty and manipulative. Quite a madam, in fact. She was a cow. I came across this painting and, for the moment, felt quite sorry for the poor hag. How could she look down to eat her dinner, without getting a dinner full of hat? How did she manage to go to the loo? Did she, in fact, go? What happened if she wanted a scratch?
I now realise that the crippling poverty, starvation and toil of the Spanish peasant were as nothing, compared to the sufferings of poor old Maria Luisa.

Terrible news

I've just learned that there has been yet another plane crash, this time in the Alps. I no longer believe that air travel is safe. In future, if I can't get there by land or by water, I ain't going.

Just now

At the butchers I bought a cooked chicken thigh, for the princely sum of 70p. I took myself to a bench round the corner, and unwrapped my lunch standing up. As I went to sit down, I saw that an old man had sat down very close to where I was about to sit. When I turned round, I saw his wife sneak round behind me, so I had nowhere to sit. I don't know how she managed to do that. There can't have been much more than a foot between me and the bench. They sat there yakking, all nice and comfortable, while I had to stand up eating my lunch. What a mean-hearted pair of cunts.

Current affairs

Lately there have been no further reports on the people who are due to be executed in Indonesia. I hope this bodes well, and doesn't mean the worst outcome. I am also mindful of all the other people in the world, who are to receive similar punishments. I just wish all this killing would stop. The world would be a much better place for that. Surely there's enough misery in the world already, without people having to add to it.

The weather

It's cold, grey and drizzling. No-one would believe it's supposed to be spring. Bloody weather.

Food

I'm feeling famished again. I'm going to do what I did yesterday, and get something hot from the butchers, and some salty, skinny chips from the hamburger joint.

'Er upstairs

Yesterday was different to normal. The people upstairs didn't start shouting, crying and banging at six o'clock. They started at ten past four instead. Well, at least that shows a bit of originality. My heart sank. I expected the performance to go on all night, but not a bit of it. It went quiet after about ten minutes. I was on tenterhooks, waiting for it all to start up again, but it didn't.
They made up for it this morning though. I woke up to a virtuoso display of shouting, grizzling and crying. The woman has a particular way of pronouncing the word 'no', employing three different vowel sounds, rather like 'nay-eee-ooooo'. I could give her such a slapping when I hear it. It makes my blood run cold.

A thing of beauty?

Poor old Marie Antoinette. My history teacher at school described her in revoltingly sentimental terms. She was greedy. She was vain. She was callous in her indifference to the starving peasantry. She was, however, probably not guilty of all the sexual stuff she was accused of. I don't supoose it helped her one bit, when the aristocracy refused to pay any taxes, which they had always been exempt from. I can understand why the French so love their revolution.

Tomorrow

I've get the health worker at ten. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm hoping there's something she can do to help me. Afterwards I'm harpsichording as usual. One thing I desperately need is a bath, but I'm not going to chance that until I really feel a bit better.

Today

It's 24th March. My Mum would have been 75 today. All day I've been weighted down with all the memories, mostly painful, but not all of them. Earlier on I wished to myself that she'd lived just a bit longer, so that we might have had the chance for some sort of resolution. Well she didn't, and that's all there is to it. That's really sad for me, because underneath it all she was a really good woman. We had a lovely relationship towards the end of her life.
I will never fully understand, though, why she needed to marry that monster. I could see that, in time, she regretted it too. I do miss my Mum, but can't say the same for him. I'm glad he's dead. More's the pity it couldn't have  happened before my Mum met him.

Sleep

I didn't have a good night. I was awake for much of the night, coughing and blowing my nose. That's become more productive now, so at least I'm getting rid of all the muck. I woke up, tired, at half past seven this morning.

Yesterday

I got home at three, and propped myself up on the sofa and pulled up the duvet. I was just starting to nod off when the phone sounded. It was a stupid message from the phone company's customer service department, offering some-or-other service. So that was that. I was wide awake, tired, and very upset that, again, I was unable to rest. I never can rest when I'm ill. There's always something to do, or I get unwanted interruptions.
I knocked a meal together from the previous day's leftovers, got into my pyjamas, settled down on the sofa, and watched a few documentaries. Bed at ten.

News

https://www.facebook.com/topic/Richard-III-of-England/110178915700755?source=wtfrt&position=6&trqid=6129736536044279296

So his (very) late Majesty is to be given a lavish re-burial. What a disgraceful waste of public money, in these times of austerity. Why can't the Government use that money for mental health services, which they continue to under-fund? What, exactly, are the Government's priorities?

Now

Starting to feel quite poorly again. I think it's time to go home and bed down on the sofa. It's all life and death with me lately.

Traditional remedy

I had measles when I was eight years old. I was delerious, and I remember my Mum giving me a tiny bottle of Woodpecker cider. I did enjoy it, but wasn't allowed another one. This evening I'm going to have some cheap, sweet, fizzy cider with dinner. Let's see if it settles me down like the Woodpecker did.

This week

My appointments this week will be kept to a minimum. I've finally had to accept how unwell I really do feel, and that I must listen to my own body and have a rest. I'm really disappointed to have cancelled today's lessons, but I know it was the right decision. I must give myself a rest.

Saturday

Saturday was 21st March, the first day of spring. The trouble was that the weather didn't seem to know.
21st March is my Dad's birthday. So what. I couldn't care less. The trouble is that I remember everything I learn.
21st March was also J S Bach's birthday. At least the music has a lot of relevance to me. This is a much more meaningful attribute to the date, for me.

Now

I can feel my energy levels dropping, and I'm feeling achey and headachey again. The cough is hideous. I was going to cook something new later, but I think I'll have yesterday's leftovers instead. I'm going to need the bed on the sofa again.

At the workhouse

I forgot to mention that after the man had read what I'd written about my autism, he asked me if I'd be interested in working at a potato farm. 'It's not the sort of place where you'd be expected to chat with people. You just sort the potatoes by size into sacks. It would involve heavy lifting.' What with the twelve hour shifts too, it didn't sound remotely like something I could do. If I did that, then I would lose my ability to play. Playing is the only thing about myself I am completely at ease with. If I couldn't play anymore, then there would be no point in being here.

Re Hyperacusis

Earplugs are in now. Crisp bags, crunching, mobile phones and other devices that make noises, simultaneous loud conversations. People just don't know how to behave anymore. It's not fair.

Last night

The people upstairs are starting to get to me now. Every night is the fucking same. About six o'clock, the kids start running around, banging things on the floor, and this goes on until nine. Every so often the kid starts grizzling, or crying, and this is performed to the counterpoint of its mum's shrill and raucous shouting.
Nowadays people don't seem to put their kids to bed at a sensible time anymore. People just seem to let them do whatever they like. I'm alright Jack, so fuck anyone else.

Doing better

About an hour ago I went for a short walk up the high street.  I had no appetite, but thought I ought to try and eat something. I bought a slice of hot, cooked meat in the butchers, and then I went and got some of those very salty, thin chips from the hamburger joint. I managed to eat the lot. I must have needed it, 'cos I broke out into a hot sweat afterwards.

Not alone

http://t.co/mxH7clqsGD?fb_ref=Default

I have written several blogs about my hypersensitivity to sounds. Well there is apparently a word for it, and it's called Hyperacusis. Here is an interesting article, which describes the experience, which can be really overwhelming.

Sleep

There was a lot of tossing and turning last night. I've started to clear all the muck out of my sinuses, and the throat isn't quite so sore today. Now I think I really am getting better.

Last night

I cooked something, which shows some sort of improvement in how I feel. I didn't eat much though. Afterwards I got into the bed that's still made up on the sofa and watched some dumbed-down documentaries, closing my eyes quite often. I went to bed at ten.

This morning

At my second workhouse visit, I showed the man what I'd written about the diagnosis, and my fears around it. He's arranged for me to see a health worker on Wednesday. With a lot of luck, she might be able to help me get it sorted.

An autism thing

I often comment that I'm not sure whether I have slept or not.

This is what happened the other morning:

I felt exhausted, and closed my eyes from time to time to ease the aching. I wrestled with myself to stay awake. Someone who was in the same room said that I kept nodding off.

I wonder if I do sleep on these occasions, when my own recollection is otherwise.

A musical interlude

The harpsichording went fantastically well on both days. I'm so glad I did it. I'm not playing at the pub tonight. I'm certainly not strong enough to go lugging full-sized keyboards round the town. I'm glad I went there and cancelled it.

The weekend

One minute I think I'm getting better, next thing I realise I'm not, yet. I think I've got really run down, and that's at the bottom of it. Time to get myself better.

Mental illness

http://www.nytimes.com/2015/03/21/world/asia/horror-over-womans-lynching-in-afghanistan-but-some-support-too.html

This is how a certain religion, the one whose followers purport to be compassionate and tolerant, deal with mental illness. Again its apologists declare that the people who did this have misunderstood the scriptures. Again. Again. It's so heartbreaking.

News

A young man in London has just been sentenced to a very long prison term, for apparently plotting to behead a soldier. I hope they won't let him out early, however apparently contrite or reformed he may appear. What he had planned to do is wicked in the extreme. Horrible.

Me

I'm always careful when I leave the house. I make sure I've got everything, and things always go into the same pocket, or part of the bag. This morning I left my phone at home. It just shows how dopey I am today.

Rubbish

This library. The idiots. Babble babble babble babble babble fucking babble. Are they really so fucking stupid, to think that the shit they are talking is actually important, or that people's lives are enriched by hearing such inane utterances? Or (more likely) are they so ignorant they don't even know how to behave in a library?

Today

I got up feeling more rested, initially, but flagged as the morning drew on. I feel quite weak, a bit headachey, but I'm not hurting or shivering any more. I need to buck my ideas up, 'cos I'm playing in just over an hour.

Sleep

I slept a bit better last night. Unusually, for me, I had all the windows shut. I remember turning round a lot during the night, but the horrible pain I'd been in for a couple of days had gone. I woke up around three o'clock, and got up at half past six.

Yesterday

After finishing at the library, I bought a pie from the local butcher and went home. I made a bed up on the sofa around noon, got into it and stayed there until I went to bed at ten. I had planned on having pie and mash for dinner, but when the time came round I had neither the energy to make it, nor the appetite to eat it. I watched a few documentaries during the evening, and nodded off from time.

More autism stuff

I've just read that there is to be increased funding for children's autism services. This is to be welcomed. What about adults though? There is no mention, again, as usual. Dear, nice Government, may we please have just a little of the money for our needs?

Speechless

I've just seen an advert for someone's event. They are going to give a talk on 'The Birds of Gambia'. The birds of Gambia!!!!!!!!!!! Don't make me laugh. It's neither interesting nor useful. I think I'll have to give that one a miss, and just stick to watching seagulls out of my living-room window.

A welcome change

I'm so pleased that I've made contact with my 'new' cousin. She really does seem lovely, and I've seen pictures of her family too. I'm pleased to have found a relation of my Dad's who is nice. For me that's a first.
A few years ago I contacted a cousin I knew when I was a boy. I knew she was into family history, and I saw that her data was mostly inaccurate, so I sent her some of the correct stuff. There was no reply or acknowledgement from her, but I saw that she'd updated her family tree with the data I'd sent her. Says it all, really.

The solar eclipse

People have done nothing but whinge today, because they can't see the solar eclipse. I really don't know what's the matter with people. It's no good moaning about it. You get what you're given, and that's all there is to it.

A musical interlude

I must pull myself together. I'm harpsichording tomorrow and Sunday. I playing for longer than usual this weekend, because they have a special event. Then I'm playing at the pub on Sunday night. I've got a busy weekend coming up. I really can't afford to give in to sickness.

Today

When I've finished on the computer, I'll go to the supermarket and get something for lunch and dinner. Then I'm going back to bed. My body is telling me that I need to lie down.

Weather

The solar eclipse has started, although you wouldn't know that because the sky is so grey. Funnily enough it seems a bit brighter than yesterday.

Food

I didn't eat anything yesterday, and only ate very little the day before. I sipped water whenever I woke up, but need to make sure I eat something proper today.

Yesterday

I went to bed at three o clock yesterday and slept through to about half past five this morning. I say 'slept', but it was a repeat of the previous day. I seemed to be awake every few minutes, and my body was racked with pain. Sometimes I dragged myself to the sofa and slept there. Sometimes I dragged myself back to bed and slept there. I felt dreadful when I woke up, but am gradually pulling through. I certainly don't feel as strange as I did yesterday.

Now

I've finally stopped feeling light-headed. When I get home I'm going to make a bed on the sofa, get into it, and stay there till the morning. That's my lot now.

How am I?

I've been in a lot of discomfort today. My bones continue to hurt something shocking. and although I was quite awake, I felt quite woozy. I was sitting in a warm room, with a hat and scarf on, shivering under a blanket.
Then I had an idea; coffee with three sugars and some salt. Since then I've been sipping cold water, and feel a little better than I did. I think I must have been dehydrated.

First thing

I dragged by aching self out of bed at half past five this morning, and started off wilth the usual coffee and fags. It's a horrible time of day when it's so cold and dark, so I typed up another chunk of the family tree for my new cousin, to try and take my mind off it.
I'm still hurting, even now. I feel like I've been beaten up by a gang.

Weather

Has the solar eclipse come one day early? It's so cold, dark and damp out there. I don't know what the weather forecasters are paid for. Last weekend they said it would warm up during the following Tuesday and stay warm afterwards. What do they know?

Another night

I felt weaker and weaker as the day drew on. I haven't got that flu thing, but a cold. I couldn't stop shivering during dinner, so I got the thick winter duvet out and went to bed.
I feel as if I haven't slept. My mind is full of the following idea, which seemed to stay with me all night. Imagine someone showing you two different photos of different streets. They tell you the names of the streets, but then tell you to go out and find them. When you get there, you discover that they are in fact the same street, and you've been given two different names for it.
I'm aware of a lot of anger and shouting in my dreams, but I can't remember why. Whenever I woke up, I was aware that I was groaning with the intense physical pain that was racking my body. At 2.30am I woke up face down, as if doing press-ups. Despite the pain I didn't have the energy to move.
I woke up a lot during the night, each time in pain, and am still hurting dreadfully.

How am I?

My thoughts are darting all over the place, and in rapid succession. There doesn't seem to be any break to them; just one after another, after another, and so on. I feel so restless and fidgety, and can't see me reading later if I carry on like this.
In a moment I'll go to the Asian shop for a couple of bits, and then go straight home.
I'm getting the sniffles back and my throat is a bit tender. I've been coughing a bit this afternoon too. I hope that flu-type thing isn't coming back.

The latest

I heard back from my cousin. She is very kind, and has a lot of insight into what I told her. I am glad, and I've written back to tell her.

Purgatory

Here I am, still feeling half starved, and all I seem to notice on Facebook at the moment is pictures of delicious-looking food. I could cry!!

Now

Much of my life has flashed past me, in the couple of minutes since I had the latest message. It got me thinking about relationships. I've spent much of my life desperately wishing I could have a meaningful relationship with someone.
I've been on my own for nearly all my life. I sometimes imagine being in a happy relationship, but am not so sure I really want that anymore. In all honesty I don't know how I would cope with having one person that close.
People often find it strange if someone chooses to live alone. Well let them. It is how some of us manage to survive best.

Just now

I just had another message from my new cousin, this time asking about my family. I told her that I haven't any, except one brother, and all my close people who, to me, are my family.
I also told her that I live alone, which is not uncommon for autistic people, and then went on to explain. I hope I will hear from her again. I'd be so upset if I didn't.

Natural phenomena

I'm looking forward to the solar eclipse, which takes place on Friday morning. The only thing, though, is the weather. It doesn't look, at the moment, as if Friday will be very clear. What a shame.

Family tree

Yesterday I made contact with a previously unknown cousin. She seems equally as excited to know me, as I am to know her. She warned me that other relations want to be in touch, and I heard from another cousin this morning. I do not want to know my father or his immediate family. It is really wonderful for me to find relatives who are nice. It is such a shocking contrast to what I have always known, and to the terrible sadness I've experienced on that family's account in the past.

Food

I've felt stupidly, ridiculously hungry all day. I've been getting gripings of the stomach, and it's all very distracting. I'm determined not to eat yet. I'm sure I eat more than I need in the first place. Tonight I'm going to cook some Indian vegetarian things, as a change from meat. I'll pop out for a fag in a minute. I hope that'll take the edge off it.

News

I couldn't care less about 'celebrity' news items. I don't care whether so-and-so is having another baby, or that they are dating two people at the same time. I don't care about new films or tv programmes that they're going to make.
I do not know these people. Obviously the 'news'  stories are of great importance to the persons concerned, but are a complete irrelevance to me. These stories are annoying, and I find the 'celebrities' huge incomes grossly offensive.
These items should be reported as 'instead of the news' items.

Just now

The weather has been miserable and cold today, so it came as no surprise that we had very few visitors at the historic building. Never mind. I spent a good bit of time practicing new pieces, and re-learning the piece that the man wants me to play on Saturday. It wasn't time wasted.

Appetite

I feel ravenously hungry, and cold with it too. I've already had my breakfast, although that was five hours ago, and I ate a decent-sized dinner last night. I can only put it down to the tiredness. I'm sure I can't really be hungry.
I must try and pull myself together. In about twenty minutes I'm going to need all the energy I can muster, when I carry my keyboard from home to the historic building, then go back and carry the bits and pieces there.

Now

I don't feel cheerful, like I did yesterday. I'm too tired for all that. My eyes hurt and so does my head. The inside of my head feels like it has been scoured by the constant, continuous bombardment of thoughts. I hope it'll all settle down before too long.

Great news?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-31938368

This report says that the unemployment figures have fallen again. I wonder why? I wonder how many of those people now have full-time jobs with meaningful wages. I wonder how many people have been 'sanctioned' by the social security. I wonder how many of them are in part- time jobs, or have zero-hour contracts, who now rely on other benefits to survive. This is a cynical piece of reporting.

Weather

Cold, damp and grey. Awful. With a bit of luck it might brighten up, like it did yesterday. I'm harpsichording in a short while, and good weather always seems to help visitor numbers. It also makes it more comfortable for me to play, as my hands get very cold there.

Last night and this morning

I was full of excitement about having been in touch with a previously unknown cousin. At the same time it stirred up a whole hornet's nest of memories, which are still playing on my mind. I was restless, so couldn't even think about reading, and took myself to bed at nine.
Sleep was horrible. I seemed to wake up every few minutes. I flew out of bed at four o'clock, blew my nose, and saw the tissue was full of blood. I had coffee, fags and toast, and by six o'clock I'd written up some family history for the new cousin.
At seven my eyes were burning with tiredness, so I went back to bed and slept for about an hour. I don't feel great.

Now

Strange. The torrent of mental activity, and the excitement or shock of talking to a near-relation I'd never met, have left me feeling utterly exhausted. Tingling arms, fingers, knees, the lot. Time now for a fag, I think.

Small world

I haven't seen my dad's family for over 35 years. Recently I've joined a Facebook group about Greenwich 'in the olden days', and have chatted online with two close relatives that I've never met. I'm so excited, as they aren't in any way involved with my dad!

Update

It gets better. I commented earlier that the sun had come out. Well not only did it come out, but it has stayed out! Let's hope spring is just round the corner.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fnxruBcKdc

News?

http://www.itv.com/news/2015-03-16/kennel-club-crufts-dog-jagger-poisoned-in-belgium/

Daily we learn of the terrible things that so many people have to endure. We read of wanton acts of depraved cruelty, and the immense suffering caused by extreme weather. We read of the countless millions who live in want. Then we read about a dog getting poisoned. Of course it must have been horrible for the animal, and the loss of income must have been greatly distressing to its owner, but is it really so important in the scheme of things? Rubbish like this does my head in.

An ideal world

There is a lot about being a professional musician that would suit me down to the ground.
In the first place I'm doing something that I do well, and that people enjoy. I feel that when I play, I contribute something to everyone, and I am accepted for the person I am. (except sometimes in a pub environment). I like too that my personality isn't part of the equation. In fact it's a complete irrelevance, so long as I can play.
In the second place It gives me a level of separation from everyone else. It keeps unwanted conversation to a minimum. In fact, any conversation that does occur is usually on the subject of music. I am quite happy with that. What I don't like is talking about my feelings, or my life, to people I don't know. That's too uncomfortable. Small talk is crap. I don't like it, and can't do it either. I like intellectual conversation and a good laugh, and that's not everyone's cup of tea. So here I am again, saying things about myself in writing that I would (or could) never speak about.

In the mirror

I sit here, trying to get to the bottom of what it's all about, and scrutinising myself in the minutest detail.
The appallingly long wait for a diagnosis (of autism) is very much on my mind, all of the time. Always there. Never goes away. I'm anxious for a reply from the authority I wrote to a few days ago. They say that they aim to reply within eighteen days, but cannot guarantee doing so. The reason I am so preoccupied with it all, is that after diagnosis, I will be able to access services that will help me to make life a little bit more tolerable.
I have spent the whole of my life trying the utmost to conform to what others expect me to be. I often fail miserably, and have many times appeared ridiculous, mad or stupid to those I have to live among.
What I need is a chance to be myself for once, and for the people I come into contact with to recognise that I need a certain amount of space in order to flourish. They need to understand that I don't always understand what they are talking about, for example I'm no good at puns. I just don't get 'em. I also struggle with motive, where I take everything that is said at face value.  I am very much affected by noise and sound. I also find facial expression and body language difficult. I would also like them to see that I am reasonably intelligent, but probably think in a different way to themselves.
A diagnosis would make it possible for me  to let a potential employer know about these things, rather than keeping it all to myself, and then being subjected to hostility or ridicule at some future date. A diagnosis would give me the chance to be myself in my place of work.
I am certain that all these thoughts do contribute to my generally depressed state. Changing jobs has always been a terrifying experience for me. As things are now, I desperately want to find a job, but am frightened sick of all the new people I would meet. I also worry that, in a new job, I may not be allowed time off to go for the diagnosis, that is if ever I am offered an appointment.
I live in a rich country. Am I really being greedy in what I ask for?

Unexpected pleasure

I just went out for a fag, and had a lovely surprise. (fanfare of trumpets and drums) The cloud cover is lifting, and the sun has come out! It was so enjoyable to stand outside in the warm, instead if shivering and bracing oneself against a biting gale.

A musical interlude

I'm harpsichording tomorrow and at the weekend, as usual. What's different is that I don't feel as miserable as I have been for such a long time. This time, when I say that I'm looking forward to it, I really mean it, rather than just saying it to try and be positive.
As a result of my playing last Saturday, someone has just contacted me to say they will come and hear me this weekend. They have asked me to play something I haven't played for very many years, so I will have to practice it beforehand. That's what I like.

Autism and me

Now that I (think) I am starting to come out of the period of depression, I am intensely aware of how I really feel underneath it all.
My mind is as hyperactive as usual, but the thoughts aren't nearly so negative as they have been. I know there are things I really need or want to do, but all this mental activity does get in the way. I feel shackled to the thoughts, and weighed down by it all. I'm not moaning about anything, but just trying to describe what it's like to be myself. And it's not just me. It's the same for other people who are like me. It's part of how we are.

A wish

What I would really like out of life is another weekend like the one I just had. I felt valued and appreciated, and was treated with respect.
What I would like more than that is for many more similar weekends.
What I would like most of all is to be doing the same, but also earning enough to keep myself by it.

Weather

Around yesterday lunchtime the sun looked like it was trying to come out, but it was not to be. It has been dark and dull for the past few days, although it's not as cold as it was over the weekend. When I woke up today, I saw that it had rained during the night and recently, as there were raindrops on my windows. Let's see what today brings.

Sleep

I was asleep well before nine o'clock, and woke up with the alarm at six this morning. My mind was still churning round when I woke up, although I quickly forgot what I'd been thinking about. I woke up in the same position I fell asleep in, and my bedding was undisturbed, so I saw that I hadn't moved at all during the night. It shows how tired I was yesterday. I still feel tired today, but it's nothing like as unpleasant as it was yesterday.

Last night

I popped round the supermarket early on, to get a large bar of fruit & nut and some tobacco. After that I stayed indoors, and read more from the Walford. this time I picked my way through Charlton, Lee, Lewisham, Kennington, Walham Green and North End. My reading came to an abrupt end around half past eight, when all the stomping from upstairs distracted me so much that I was unable to continue. I had a fag and went to bed.
I really feel like having a word with the people upstairs about how noisy they are, but am afraid to in case it turns into something nasty.

Now, again

I feel more worn out than I have done for a very long time. I'm not complaining about it though. I had such a lovely weekend, and all the people were nice. I have to accept the fact that I'm not getting any younger. Seven hours of intense concentration, all the while being in front of people who are watching you, does require a great deal of stamina. And I did it!

This afternoon

Someone put an advert online for a beige-coloured pouffe. It will go nicely with my beige-coloured front room. The person says I may have it.
I've always been reluctant to have one, because of the possible other meaning of the word. Now I've got over all that. It'll be nice to be able to put my feet up.

Now

I'm still feeling the same as I did earlier, only more tired. The headache is not so severe as earlier though. I can see me having a very early night tonight.

Overall

I've had the best weekend I can remember in quite a while. The events were nice and the people were nice. It was good all round. It was such an unexpected and welcome change from what I've come to expect. I hope this is a taste of things to come.

Stomach-churning

Someone has just posted a photo of their dinner on Facebook. I can assure you it looks hideous. Fucking disgusting. I'm glad I don't rely on that person for my meals. I'd starve.

Just now

I just had an email from someone I don't know, but who was apparently at the Saturday event. He said that he'd enjoyed my playing, and asked where I publicise my bookings, as he'd like to come and hear me again. Things like this really do make me feel good, and make everything seem so worthwhile.

Weather

It was cold and very windy on Saturday and Sunday. It's still a bit on the cool side, but now it's starting to brighten up. Someone told me that, according to the TV weather forecast, we've just had a blast of icy wind from Siberia. Well Siberia can have it back, as far as I'm concerned, and good riddance to it.

Now

Headache. Tired. Aching, sore joints. In short, the result of a thoroughly successful weekend.

The right response

There is someone at the pub who takes the piss out of me. Every Sunday I get such questions as 'Can you play anything by The doors?', when the person knows full well that I can't. This week he asked 'Can you play anything by The Animals?' I replied 'yes', set my keyboard to 'harpsichord' and played 'Old McDonald had a farm', to the great amusement of the other patrons.
The person also bangs on about their abilities on the guitar. I picked up the one that belongs to the pub and tuned it, and asked the person to show me something so I could join in. I repeated instantly what he had played, and suddenly his skills deserted him.
Someone else asked if I could play something by Jean-Paul Sartre. I replied that I could, and belted out the Schubert A flat impromptu (forgotten the D number, but it's the one that sounds like water). Am I finally learning, I ask myself?

A beast of burden

I've certainly done some playing over the weekend; four hours on Saturday, three and a half hours Sunday lunchtime, two hours early Sunday night and an hour and a half later Sunday night. It's left me mentally drained.
I carried the keyboard and its bits and bobs home from the historic building, in two trips. Later on I carried them to the pub, in two trips, and when I'd finished I carried them back home, again in two trips. Normally I'd collect them early on a Monday afternoon but I'm busy today, and don't really like the idea of leaving my stuff in the pub all day.

Musical interlude no3

I was very tired when I'd finished harpsichording. After a quick visit to the pound shop I went home, and just sat there. Eventually I made some parathas to go with the curries I'd defrosted. I enjoyed my dinner, for a change.
I was consciously building myself up to playing at the pub. I was dreading it. I had butterflies in the stomach, and I could feel my pulse racing.
When I arrived there, there were only a few customers. A couple of them were up for a song, and came over by my keyboard to join in. One of them sat down and dropped his glass of beer. My right leg was soaked, and I had to move everything quickly so I wouldn't electrocute myself, and so the shattered glass could be removed. I resumed shortly afterwards, and continued playing until nine.
A bit later on some more people arrived, and wanted me to play. I ummed and arred, but I was set up within about forty seconds after they offered me a pint. I continued playing until about half past eleven, and finished off with a drink with people I knew. What a great finish to the weekend.

Musical interlude no2

I turned up at the historic building at eleven o'clock on Sunday as usual. We had more visitors, probably because of the improving weather. Quite a few people either stopped and listened to me, came over and watched, or sat down and listened. That is exactly the sort of environment I'm happiest in; completely informal and nobody drunk. Fantastic. A great continuation of Saturday.

The rest of Saturday

I arrived home thoroughly exhausted by all the excitement. I cooked a very simple dinner and went to bed at half past five. I woke up at about eight, had a couple of fags, then went back to bed. I woke up about four times during the night, but woke up finally with my alarm at seven the next morning. I must have really needed that sleep. My sleep hadn't been brilliant for a long time. I felt quite spaced out when I got up, and full of the usual whirlwind of thoughts and mental energy.

Musical interlude no1

I was collected at five to nine on Saturday morning, ready to start playing at ten. I found a nice spot to set up my keyboard, just out of the main drag of where people would be congregating. I warmed up by running through a few Louis Quinze harpsichord pieces. When people started arriving the keyboard became inaudible, even though it was on full volume, so I switched to honky-tonk piano and belted out some old pub songs. It went down a treat! The place was packed full of people from start to finish, and I was overwhelmed by the kind comments that came my way, and by the enormous tide of goodwill that surrounded me. The event had been publicised in the local paper, and 'yours truly' got a mention.
The event finished at one, and I, my machine and its accessories were driven to the historic house where I was to play the following day. Then I went for two very nice glasses of wine with the event's organisers. What a lovely day!

More autism stuff

http://t.co/OS8IgVjjhf

I found this article online this morning. Again, it could have been written by myself about myself. The wonderful thing about finding articles such as this, is that it articulates thoughts and ideas in a way that is clear and easy to understand.

Just now

I've just submitted another job application, this time for one of our national companies. I've also completed the online test. Let's see.

A troublemaker?

Just before Christmas I contacted the relevant authority to raise the issue of waiting times for autism diagnosis in our area. They replied that they couldn't comment on individual cases.
I've just written to them again, this time attaching the link to the news story that put my back up yesterday, as substantiating evidence for my complaint. Let's see what they come back with, if, indeed, they do reply.

Facebook

Sometimes I am truly appalled by what I read. The following two types of post in particular are certain to give me the hump.
1) A rant, full of spelling and grammatical mistakes, ill thought out and incoherent.
2) 'I feel miserable. Woe is me, and it's the world's fault'.
And these people think they have problems. If only they knew the half of it.

Now

I woke up much too early this morning, and with a start. I do feel tired. My eyes ache, and so does my brain. I feel like I haven't properly woken up, and that I'm not quite in touch with the world today. I must try and pull myself together, because I've got things I have to do later on. I took the precaution of taking some curries out of the freezer this morning, so I shan't have to think of trying to cook this evening.

A musical interlude

Yesterday I found myself thinking about when I play pub songs and when I play classical. It dawned on me that I receive two different sorts of treatment. When I play classical music I am treated seriously, and with respect. People choose to come and listen to the things I play. When I play pub songs I am not treated seriously. What I do doesn't seem to particularly matter.
People probably don't realise that I find them equally difficult to play. Although the classical pieces are technically much more difficult than the songs, they require an equal intensity of concentration on my part. I necessarily use more force when playing pub songs than when playing classical, and this becomes very tiring for the fingers, hands and wrists.
I know that classical pieces are what I really enjoy playing. I hope that bookings will come as a result of the event I'm playing at in the morning.

More autism stuff

I've just completed an online survey for one of the autism charities I support. I like them because they actively lobby the government on issues that matter to people like myself. Also there's going to be a prize draw. I never win those things, but I felt like a bit of a flutter. More importantly it gave me the chance to tell the charity how I feel about things.

The weather

It's beautiful and sunny again, but the chill breeze is back. My arrival at the library was greeted by 'Hi guv'nor. It's bloody cold today. ain't it?' I replied that it was a lovely day. Actually I'd been enjoying the weather, prior to seeing that miserable cunt. I wish he'd just fuck off and keep his mouth shut, or pick on someone else. I don't like negativity, particularly when I'm so depressed in the first place.

This morning

I woke up this morning wanting to eat some toast, but I lost the urge as I woke up. So it was coffee and fags for breakfast, as usual. I input some family history data from documents I found yesterday, and then ran through some of the pieces I'm playing tomorrow. Afterwards I went and had a look at the sea, before sloping off to the library.

Last night

I had a very light dinner of some nice meat rolls, then got on with plugging in more dates and references into the family tree.
I went to bed feeling tired at 9.15pm, but took a long while to settle down. I was bothered by stupid dreams all night. In one of them I was back where I liverd some twenty years ago in London. I turned the corner off the main road. To my left I could see the street where Nina lived. In my dream I lived in the street just to the right of it. I didn't recognise it from real life. Someone (I don't know who) told me that one could see the old field boundaries along the road. As I walked, I saw a concrete line across the road, and continuing to the left and right. I understood this to be the boundary. Further along the road to my left, I saw a very old-fashioned signpost, with lots of pointers with names and distances on them.
I woke up with a start at half past four. I heard a blackbird singing loudly in the pitch darkness. It reminded me, somehow, of a Victorian alcoholic singing outside a pub one night.
I must have been quite motionless during the night, as by bedding was quite undisturbed.

Just now

I've been on the blower (groan) to an agency, who think they might be able to get me an interview at a well-paid job. The thought of people management made my heart sink, given the lot I had to manage before. The lady was at pains to tell me that it's a supportive role, rather than micromanagement. She volunteered that information; I didn't raise the subject. I asked about the company and she was very cagey about it. She was sworn to secrecy. I wonder what it could be? MI5? The BBC? Bodyform Ltd?

Now

Had a really nice walk along the coast. The fine weather has brought some of the small boats out. The alexanders growing by the beach will be flowering soon.
My mood though isn't brilliant. I'm still seething with temper over the news story I read earlier.

Autism and intelligence

http://t.co/LjdCTsYFji?fb_ref=Default

I like this article. It covers something that, for me, often comes up in conversation. I have an intense fear of appearing stupid in social situations. I have often commented that I can't do many of the things that 'ordinary' people seem to find so basic. On the other hand, I don't suppose there are many 'ordinary' people who play the harpsichord and piano to the same standard that I do, who speak three foreign languages competently, who teach maths, and have a general knowledge as comprehensive as mine. I still don't know what I'd rather have. I'm not really in a position to say, as I'm still trying to learn how to be myself.

Old hat

This reminds me of the name of the pub in Carry On Dick. The name gives endless possibilities for double-entendre. Nothing wrong with having a giggle.

This afternoon

(fanfares) It will be time for the weekly walk. If the weather stays like this, walking along the front will be really lovely. I'm looking forward to it now.

Social media

According to Facebook I have over 150 friends. The fact of the matter, when I think about it, is that I probably have fifteen or twenty, apart from a few friends who don't do Facebook. I suppose that depends on how one defines the word 'friend'. Is a friend someone who smiles when they see you, and is pleasant when you see them socially, or is friendship something rather more than that? I know what I think.

Rewriting history

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-31836233

So the 'Age of Man' apparently started in 1610. Are they sure it wasn't 1609, 1731 or 1927? I'm sure that, with a little bit of digging and delving, compelling cases could probably be made for each of these dates.

re Autistic Adults

That news story has really got under my skin. The story isn't a lie, but it might as well be, as it's so selective with what it reports. I feel so angry, and feel that I have been let down by what we are told is the best news agency in the world. Well there's Britain for you. Everything we do is the best, isn't it? It's crap.

Autistic adults

I've just read that children in my area have to wait an unacceptably long time between referral and diagnosis. This is not news. As usual, though, adults aren't even given a mention.
I'm sick and tired of being ignored. I'm really angry about it. Adults are people too. Of course by not reporting on the plight of adults, it is implied that there is no problem. It's a cynical way of massaging the figures and reducing the numerical scale of the problem.
It now transpires that the local authority fucked up when tendering the contract for this side of things. Great. I hope these overpaid and inept people are really satisfied with themselves.

Weather

It's beautifully sunny again. The air is still a bit chilly, but it feels like it's going to warm up. Yesterday it didn't get dark until well after six. It can't be long now until the clocks go forward.

Last night and this morning

I had another bumpy night, and don't feel particularly rested. When I got up I had toast and marmalade with the coffee and fags. Afterwards I finished punching in yesterday's family history data, ready for me to carry on this afternoon.

Entertainment

My friends had their huge telly on when I arrived. I found myself distracted by it, and also found myself watching it. The programme involved 'personalities' and their offspring answering questions about the 'personalities'. The kids oozed a type of smarm which can probably only be acquired from a wealthy and famous parent. The whole lot really irritated me, and I had an overwhelming urge to slap the lot of them. I'm glad I don't watch the telly. It's crap.

Yesterday

I spent some of the afternoon in the library, reaping more data on the family history stuff. I went home and put the hot water on for a bath, and plugged in some of the data while it was heating up. After bathing I decided to dress smartly, suit and tie, and went to m,y friends.
 It was really lovely to see them. There were plenty of laughs and a fantastic dinner. It was so nice to catch up.

Breaking news

So a country has just withdrawn its ambassador to another country, has it. It's a shame the rest of the world couldn't send that country's ambassadors packing, rather than giving that country the free hand.

Now

Here I am again, boggly-eyed from looking at a computer screen. I'm off home now for a wash and brush-up, ready to make myself look halfway decent for this evening. I don't want to turn up round my friends' looking like a compost heap.

Earlier

When I was in the town centre, I saw something that made me smile. A man was walking down the road eating a roll, and all of a sudden a seagull swooped down on it. The man tried to slap it, and the seagull landed without its breakfast. The seagull waddled off down the road with the man following close behind, every now and then looking like he was trying to kick it. Oh the joys of the seaside!

Nice news

It is my custom to go to Cornwall with my surrogate family, for a few days every summer. I wasn't able to go last year, which disappointed me greatly. This year I will be going, and the site has been booked. I am looking forward to it.

Tonight

I'm going to close friends for dinner. I'm really looking forward to it, and it will be a nice change. It'll be nice to catch up too.

Mediaeval

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-31827250

It is tragic, in this day and age, to see that a supposedly civilised country still sees fit to murder its own citizens. It is even sadder that it is able to spend time considering different methods of legalised murder. When will it ever change?

Today

There is great excitement in the town about a celebrity's visit today. Needless to say I'm not there. I couldn't really care less about it.

Weather

It's a beautiful, sunny day again, although there is a chilly breeze. Outside the library two people were complaining about the 'freezing cold' weather. Then their conversation got intellectual; the man started talking about politics, and said he was 'finkin' abaht votin' fer UKIP'. What a complete and utter wanker.

Last night and this morning

It took me a long while to settle down, and I slept very restlessly until I got up around five o'clock this morning. My brain was in overdrive and flitted from one thought to another with great rapidity. When I'd woken up properly I couldn't remember a single thing I'd been thinking about. I ran through a few of the pieces I'm going to play on Saturday, before going for a walk along the front. I saw a fulmar in flight, and some other birds at a distance which were probably oystercatchers. Very nice indeed.

Last night

I didn't have much of an appetite, so I had some sandwiches for dinner before plugging in my latest family history finds. I went to bed very tired at half past nine.

Shortly

In I moment I'll be taking meself orf down the library, to have yet another tedious look at the family history. I bet the place will be inundated with plankton and miskellaneous protozoans. Yawn.

Sickening

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-31817445

Here is yet another example of the peace and toleration one has come to expect. Shame on the perpetrators, and their vile beliefs.

A slight error?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-31817445

He may well chortle! There's a lot to be said for getting your facts right, before you need to speak.

A new initiative

http://t.co/0Qi0r113ze?fb_ref=Default

The name smacks of jingoism, but it's a start.

Again

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_11_12_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNG66pqbeWoeR2pStyLZ2re2t8eu7g&cid=52778762227164&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailymail.co.uk%2Fnews%2Farticle-2986345%2FSwedish-minister-silenced-Saudis-Arab-League.html&ei=UNT-VMC3LOnhigaSsYCoAw&sig2=Mz7QNw-Fj05e489LXmAUbA&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=-2707953328231239097&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&gcnid=682&at=dt0

This lady was apparently banned by a certain country, from speaking to a certain organisation, having apparently criticised the certain country's human rights record. I can't help feeling that the lady was right, and that the certain country will not tolerate any criticism of its regime.

Miraculous!

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_5_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNERaIEo7cq8XKTirTs7NbX7Aae8Pw&cid=52778764813025&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.telegraph.co.uk%2Fmen%2Fthe-filter%2F11447391%2FWhat-middle-aged-men-can-learn-from-Vladimir-Putin.html&ei=UNT-VMC3LOnhigaSsYCoAw&sig2=SNql2znxSStl36Y4miDOUw&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=5448602926546654147&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

Has he been on the monkey glands?

Another autistic moment

I'm feeling somewhat excited (on the inside, of course), about the event I'm playing at on Saturday. Flyers have appeared all round the Old Town, and I've seen lots of people promoting it online. Excitement is always a double-edged sword for me, as it is always tempered by fear and apprehension. The discomfort comes from the disruption to my normal routine. This is made more manageable if I have plenty of prior notice, however the tension always grows as the time draws nearer. I worry about who is going to be there, about how I will feel, how others will see me, and most of all about being seen as stupid or strange.
I'm really looking forward to Saturday, as I was engaged purely on my reputation as a musician. I know in my own mind that it's likely to be a great success, but the dark thoughts are with me as usual.

Weather

It is BEAUTIFUL today. The sky is blue and the sun is starting to warm up. There is no wind, although the air was chill first thing when I left the house. I went and had a nice walk along the front, which seems to do wonders for the spirits.

Sleep

I was out for the count when I went to bed. I kept waking up, and was wide awake at half past three, but fell asleep afterwards. When I woke up this morning, my bed looked like a re-enactment of the Battle of Naseby had been conducted on it. I'm tired today.

Last night

When I got home I updated the family tree. I didn't fancy reading or watching anything, so I did nothing for a while. My mind, however,  was in full gear and being bombarded with lucid thoughts. Later on I started having some fun with algebra and graphs, and started thinking about what fun geometry is, and how to teach it. I went to bed at ten.

More autism stuff

http://t.co/Gw7ERfNrps

Most of my social life takes place in front of a computer. Apparently I may be typical of my kind.

Misinformation

https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CCIQqQIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.theguardian.com%2Fglobal%2F2015%2Fmar%2F08%2Ffirst-human-jawbone-discovery-africa&ei=xsb-VOeNNonh7Aac74CIDg&usg=AFQjCNE19v_O2BflFJlt4xQnHnD9ZE_w5w&sig2=kW80hMRE6OkXO4F87F3BTw

These are purportedly the oldest known human bones. I don't believe it. The bone actually came from a shoulder of lamb joint, which the family dog got at and then buried.
The truth is that the oldest human bones belong to the oldest human, a Misao Okawa, of Osaka, Japan, who celebrated her 117th birthday last Wednesday.

News

Yesterday afternoon I received the happy news that two of my extended, surrogate family, are getting married this summer. That's the best piece of news I've had for a long time. For me, it doesn't matter one way or the other whether or not they're married. But I'm happy because of what it means to them.

I know that 'she' has had to wait a long time for her bit of true happiness, and I'm so glad that it has come at last. I know too that it hasn't been all jam for 'him' either. Most of all I'm delighted that they found each other. It is lovely to see them looking so happy, just by being with each other.

Another musical interlude

The historic building will be closed this Wednesday, and I'm otherwise busy on Saturday, so I shan't be there again until Sunday. It does seem funny. I'd much rather play there as normal. It's abig part of my week now.
The people I'm playing for on Saturday have offered to collect me & the keyboard by car. That offer is greatly appreciated. I'm going to ask them to take me & it to the historic building afterwards, so I shan't have to carry it there on Sunday.

Sleep

I don't seem to be waking up as often as I have been, but can see in the mornings that I've been restless. Sleep is unsatisfying. I hope that now the edge has gone from the depression, I might have a decent night soon.

The weather

It's been absolutely beautiful all weekend, what with blue skies and hardly any wind. It even turned warm for a bit yesterday afternoon. Here we are, nearly six o clock, and it's still light outside. Lovely.

Nowadays

One feels one is getting old. One finds that parts of one's person, that one was hitherto unaware of, make their presence felt via the medium of aches and pains. One finds oneself less agile than one once was. One is increasingly set in one's ways. In short, one ain't getting any younger.

A musical interlude

During quiet times at the historic building, I've been re-visiting lots of pieces I haven't been near for decades. It was lovely to play them again. Unusually my keyboard is set up at home this week, as I'm going to do lots of practice in preparation for this Saturday's event.

Family history

I've been looking into my more distant relations. I find myself coming across First World War fatalities at an alarming rate. It is really heartbreaking to see evidence of the deaths of those who were little more than kids, and who became old men well before their time. It really brings history home. So much for the good old days. What was so bloody good about them?

Latest headlines

http://news.google.co.uk/news/url?sr=1&ct2=uk%2F1_0_s_4_1_a&sa=t&usg=AFQjCNEqRdhmiuFVoM2GEUGlHCAKIBQnUg&cid=52778763052542&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.mirror.co.uk%2Fnews%2Fuk-news%2Fmurder-crufts-judge-claims-two-5298521&ei=9MH9VIB96eGKBp_1gZgO&sig2=EIvKCmxbqzKLu3HlrMxiow&rt=SECTION&vm=STANDARD&bvm=section&did=-1973717547518952985&sid=en_uk%3Aw&ssid=w&at=dt0

Apparently one of the dogs entering for Crufts has been poisoned. It's a nasty story, and must be very distressing for its owner, particularly the potential loss of income. However what with all the terrible things in the world that happen to people, is this really a major news story?

This afternoon

I had a particularly enjoyable time with part one of the lessons. Today we went on to quadratic graphs. Algebra is such fun. For people like myself it's a brilliat way of making clear the patterns in numbers, and their relationship to a function. Love it.

Haute cuisine

Last Saturday I treated myself to a 'chunky steak pie' from the supermarket, and looked forward to the succulent contents that the description had conjured up in my mind. When dinner time came round, I enjoyed the pastry and the gravy was delicious. It was a good thing that it was; I was hard-pressed to find any meat of any description, until I found a couple of tiny fragments right towards the end. I came to the conclusion that the word 'chunky' must only have applied to the shape of the said delicacy, rather than to its contents.

Today

This morning I had my two workhouse visits, which were unremarkable. Early this afternoon I need to go and collect my keyboard and stand from where I played last night. This afternoon I have a piano lesson at home, followed by three other lessons. It does keep me on my toes.
(I forgot to mention that when I played yesterday afternoon, a few people took my business cards. I hope something comes of it).

'Er upstairs

The woman upstairs is really getting to me. I'm sick and tired of hearing her bawling at her kid, followed by the starting to cry as she's finished. It's really depressing to have to listen to it. I woke up during the night and heard the kid grizzling. I get it every morning too, from about quarter past seven.
I saw her outside yesterday, and she looks exactly like she sounds; a twenty-odd-years-old frump. I didn't realise, though, that she has three of the angels.

How am I?

I commented on Saturday, that I was starting to feel much better. The comment was premature. I started to feel worse as the afternoon wore on, and spent all of yesterday feeling dreadful. I know I've been running some sort of infection, because of what I've been getting rid of. I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, although it hasn't cleared very much. But still, I'm trying to look on the bright side.

The weekend

Harpsichording went well on both days, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was dreading the pub. When I got there it was busy. A few people sang, and people stayed. I was especially pleased when two of my closest people came in. I have no illusions though. The people who were in the pub would have been there anyway. I finished at nine, having played for two hours, and went to bed exhausted at ten.

Just now

I enjoyed playing today, as there were more visitors. The time didn't drag like it has done lately. While I was there the people I'm playing for next Saturday came in to see me. It was nice to meet them in person. One of them took a photo of me playing. I hope I don't see it again. I can't bear to see pictures of myself. It gives me the creeps.

Taking the piss

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/athletics/31768838

A foreign athlete disappeared after the Olympics. Since then he says he has been homeless in London. So what. Is he expecting this country to house him? Actually he should be deported immediately.

Another musical interlude

I have been contacted on behalf of someone who wants to do a silent movie project. They want someone to play one of those organs that comes up through the floor. It sounds like great fun. I hope they want me to do it.

Indeed?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-31766328

The girls' parents are blaming the police for their daughters' behaviour. What complete and utter crap. What a cop-out. My question is, why don't the parents know what their fifteen-year-olds are up to? Also, why can't they accept any responsibility for what happened?

A musical interlude

I'm harpsichording today and tomorrow, and am at the pub tomorrow night. Some close friends have contacted me to say they want to come to the latter. I know they don't like that particular establishment, so that's a big thing for me. I'm glad I feel a bit better. I don't know how I'd have managed otherwise.

How am I?

I felt really rough all day yesterday. I couldn't smell anything, and couldn't taste my food. The pressure on my left ear was considerable, and very distracting. I felt horrible when I got up. Since then I've been moving my head into some very exotic positions, to relieve the pressure on my ear. I could feel something moving against my ear-drum, and the pressure has lessened. I think some of the rubbish has drained away. I don't feel as poorly as I did yesterday.

Last night

I plugged in the latest family history stuff when I got home, and had a couple of hamburgers for dinner. Nice and easy. Bed at ten.

The latest obsession

This is getting ridiculous. I don't know what's driving me to do it, but I'm back on the family history yet again. It's like spring for the family tree. It's sprouting new branches at quite a rate.

Sunday

I've advertised my stuff at the pub on Sunday. I wasn't going to do it. I expect the posting will make no difference whatever, just like normal.

Weather

By and large it has remained bright and sunny all day, and the wind has eased right off. In short, it's a lovely day.

This morning

The whole of yesterday I felt quite washed up. I still haven't quite got rid of the bug I had a few weeks ago. Now I think I've got some gunk behind my left ear-drum; I'm a bit deaf on one side and can feel some pressure. This happened to me some decades ago and I became profoundly deaf for a while. It also happened during a bout of depression, so I'm reluctant to go to the doctors with it.

Last night

I couldn't be bothered to cook, so I bought a couple of cheese pasties and had them with some coleslaw. I really enjoyed them. Afterwards I plugged in some more family history stuff, before going to bed at a quarter to ten.

Weather update

It has stayed sunny all day, and the wind has died down to almost nothing. It feels like a proper spring day, which is a welcome change. Plants seem to have picked up on this too, with crocuses flowering earlier than normal.

Latest news

I read with horror that a chemistry teacher has been sent to jail, for planning to join terrorists in the Middle East. I wish they would stop allowing people from that region to study science in our universities. It poses a potential future threat to our country.

Enlightened times?

The news is really depressing, what with all the corporal and capital punishment stories in the headlines. I really have a problem with this, particularly the latter.
I believe that it is wrong to kill another human being, no matter what they have done. There other ways in which they can be punished, imprisonment for example. I have difficulty too, in understanding the mindset of those who are prepared to authorise legal murder. I assume that such persons consider themselves in some way morally superior to their intended victims. I have reached this conclusion because those countries who still have the death penalty are in some ways idealogical, whether politically or in terms of religion.
 It is sheer arrogance to claim that it is permissible for the State to kill, but not for others. It is hypocrisy to claim to believe in a religion that says that murder is wrong, but to then go on to carry out murder. The person who has sanctioned the murder does not get his own hands dirty, as he will have others carry out the deed. Very clinical. No stain on his conscience. Of course there are countries in the world where capital punishment is used as a way of ensuring complete compliance with its beliefs, and to ensure that any difference of opinion is quickly snuffed out. Such views belong to the middle ages.
What we need to remember too, is that it is not just the people whose stories make the headlines. There must be many others too, whose stories we are not told about, who suffer every day somewhere in the world.
This way of doing things must change. It is barbaric. It is just plain wrong.