Disappointed

I'm going to a gay pride event tomorrow. For me that doesn't sit easy. In the first place I'm not gay. I'm attracted to blokes and that's not the same thing. I don't feel comfortable with groups of people, whoever they are. I also don't feel happy about making a ghetto for myself. I like good people whoever they are. In the second place I am neither proud nor ashamed of my sexuality. It is something I have absolutely no control over.
Lately I've seen a couple of things that have pushed me into a corner and put me on the defensive. I've read things varying from a dainty little admonition of an 'abhorrent' lifestyle at the one extreme, to outright rabid hatred on the other. To me there is very little difference between the two. The latter is a logical outcome of the former.
It is because of this that I'm attending tomorrow's event. It will be the first one that I've ever attended. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm terrified of the crowds, and the very thought of them upsets me. Someone I know is expecting to see me there, and that will be a great help. After what I went through in my younger days, I'm very disappointed that I still need to make an issue of my sexuality. But all the time such shitty ideas are bandied about, I will support any such events by being present. Yes, of course we have free speech in this country, and rightly so. Of course that also gives me the right to call such views by their right name. The whole thing makes me feel miserable.