Almost exactly two years ago I looked at Henry Fuseli's painting The Nightmare (1781). It's obviously sexual and predatory overtones got me thinking and I blogged about it. I still think of what it would be like to be in a relationship, but am still dogged by the same memories. Relationships are a real dilemma for aspies, where we have to balance the need to be alone with the desire to be close to someone. There are, of course, additional issues around touch and intimacy. Here is what I blogged:
The biggest nightmare in
my life has been relationships. My teenage years were awful. I mean fucking awful.
After suffering periods of extreme emotional cruelty, and having been taken to the psychiatrists to 'cure' me of my sexuality, and having been told that I didn't matter and could leave if I didn't like it at home, I picked someone up and moved in with them almost immediately. It wasn't the best start to a relationship. I was completely off my trolley. At that age I couldn't even hold a conversation. With hindsight he had his own 'issues' too, and the relationship simply didn't work. I was completely unreasonable and would go out whenever I wanted. I desperately hurt inside and was always fearful. I couldn't cope and walked out after two years.
Of course I didn't understand my issues with Aspergers then. Whenever I went out I would sit on my own and look at the floor or into space. I didn't talk to anyone. The loud music used to drive me mad, but I went. I didn't realise that I was stuck, but there were others who did realise. Each time I thought it was the beginning of a lifelong relationship. Of course each time I was wrong, and I would never see the person again. I was desperate to be loved, for I knew I was completely unloved. I knew it alright and it hurt. I didn't live like this for long. I hated that life.
After that I just kept myself to myself and avoided people as much as possible. I went out occasionally to meet someone casually, that is whenever the hormones kicked in. I didn't like that life either, I can tell you.
One day I met a Filipino guy in such a fashion, and we stayed together for nearly ten years. I use the term 'together' very loosely. Let me tell you about it.
He was a domestic servant, but had delusions of grandeur. He would feel famous because he had waited on someone famous. He would feel wealthy because he had waited on someone wealthy. He insisted on having expensive clothes and would look like a Christmas tree in the vast quantity of gold jewellery with which he adorned himself. He was ostentatious in the extreme, and loved boasting. Yet I had persuaded myself that we loved each other.
We got a place together and then my troubles started. He would 'stay at work' for several nights a week. I found out later that he had been picking people up at clubs. Eventually I hardly saw him. Money would disappear from the joint bank account that I had been persuaded that we needed. I had been saving up for the deposit on a house and the money disappeared. He told me that his family in the Philippines were in a terrible spot, so of course I didn't mind. A member of his family told me later that he had not sent his family the money, but gambled it. (I went to the Philippines and met his family. They had the biggest house in the village, had servants and were quite comfortably off).
When he came home he would put his annoying music on very loudly, complain about the housework, and start doing it again to the standards of Buckingham Palace. He badgered and bullied, and ridiculed me in front of people. I wanted to go into higher education, but of course in his view I was too stupid to do that. He made me look stupid in front of everybody, including my family. Everything I did or wanted to do was met with a barrage of criticism or scorn. I naturally accepted that it was my own fault, and that he must be right, and used to duff myself up for my own stupidity.
Finally, having conned me out of my last money, he left me to marry a wealthy woman. Of course that was my own fault too, as I saw it. It took me years to get over the experience, and I have remained single ever since. I spent nearly ten years being frightened and often tearful.
I didn't know about Aspergers then. It was just me being a weirdo. Lately I have spoken to aspie friends and there are some common threads:
abusive partners
exploitative partners
the feeling that problems are all one's own fault
being made to feel stupid
inability to break free of a bad relationship. Aspergers feels comfortable in routine and is terrified of change
If there are any aspie readers there, I would love to know your experiences.
After suffering periods of extreme emotional cruelty, and having been taken to the psychiatrists to 'cure' me of my sexuality, and having been told that I didn't matter and could leave if I didn't like it at home, I picked someone up and moved in with them almost immediately. It wasn't the best start to a relationship. I was completely off my trolley. At that age I couldn't even hold a conversation. With hindsight he had his own 'issues' too, and the relationship simply didn't work. I was completely unreasonable and would go out whenever I wanted. I desperately hurt inside and was always fearful. I couldn't cope and walked out after two years.
Of course I didn't understand my issues with Aspergers then. Whenever I went out I would sit on my own and look at the floor or into space. I didn't talk to anyone. The loud music used to drive me mad, but I went. I didn't realise that I was stuck, but there were others who did realise. Each time I thought it was the beginning of a lifelong relationship. Of course each time I was wrong, and I would never see the person again. I was desperate to be loved, for I knew I was completely unloved. I knew it alright and it hurt. I didn't live like this for long. I hated that life.
After that I just kept myself to myself and avoided people as much as possible. I went out occasionally to meet someone casually, that is whenever the hormones kicked in. I didn't like that life either, I can tell you.
One day I met a Filipino guy in such a fashion, and we stayed together for nearly ten years. I use the term 'together' very loosely. Let me tell you about it.
He was a domestic servant, but had delusions of grandeur. He would feel famous because he had waited on someone famous. He would feel wealthy because he had waited on someone wealthy. He insisted on having expensive clothes and would look like a Christmas tree in the vast quantity of gold jewellery with which he adorned himself. He was ostentatious in the extreme, and loved boasting. Yet I had persuaded myself that we loved each other.
We got a place together and then my troubles started. He would 'stay at work' for several nights a week. I found out later that he had been picking people up at clubs. Eventually I hardly saw him. Money would disappear from the joint bank account that I had been persuaded that we needed. I had been saving up for the deposit on a house and the money disappeared. He told me that his family in the Philippines were in a terrible spot, so of course I didn't mind. A member of his family told me later that he had not sent his family the money, but gambled it. (I went to the Philippines and met his family. They had the biggest house in the village, had servants and were quite comfortably off).
When he came home he would put his annoying music on very loudly, complain about the housework, and start doing it again to the standards of Buckingham Palace. He badgered and bullied, and ridiculed me in front of people. I wanted to go into higher education, but of course in his view I was too stupid to do that. He made me look stupid in front of everybody, including my family. Everything I did or wanted to do was met with a barrage of criticism or scorn. I naturally accepted that it was my own fault, and that he must be right, and used to duff myself up for my own stupidity.
Finally, having conned me out of my last money, he left me to marry a wealthy woman. Of course that was my own fault too, as I saw it. It took me years to get over the experience, and I have remained single ever since. I spent nearly ten years being frightened and often tearful.
I didn't know about Aspergers then. It was just me being a weirdo. Lately I have spoken to aspie friends and there are some common threads:
abusive partners
exploitative partners
the feeling that problems are all one's own fault
being made to feel stupid
inability to break free of a bad relationship. Aspergers feels comfortable in routine and is terrified of change
If there are any aspie readers there, I would love to know your experiences.
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