Throwing caution to the wind; a tale of two lives

Last night we had great fun at the pub. It got very busy with regulars and others, so I went to the keyboard and did me stuff. The next thing I remember is everyone being given songsheets, so we had a bloody good knees-up. People always thank me for playing, but I always thank them for singing. The bit I enjoy most of all is that people want to sing. Isn't that lovely, and such fun.
After the singing I spent time chatting, laughing and joking with some really great people. Cunt the First came and talked to me. As I was on my own, I didn't mind. It was a real conversation, for a change. I saw a completely different person; he was thoughtful, considerate and vulnerable. He told me about his own mental health issues. I am glad we had that conversation, and can now see him in a different light. It will make it much easier to speak to him about his appalling monologues, when the time comes.
I went to bed at 3am. I woke up at some point with my foot tapping and the brain in full throttle. Sod it I thought, and lay there for some hours before getting up at 12.30pm. I thought about my life. The daytimes are quite bleak and I am on my own. I have so many worries but don't really want to bother people with them. The nighttimes are lovely; I am with people who matter to me. There is warmth, laughter, friendship and love. The daytimes are black, white and grey, and the nighttimes are glorious technicolour. It's as if I have two lives.
After I'd had my first coffee I took myself to the supermarket. I threw caution to the wind and bought some things I would normally never buy; a large packet of tobacco, a bag of own-brand fruit pastilles, a bag of own-brand twix bars and two danish pastries. I'm sitting here slobbering at the thought of these goodies. My mind was in turmoil on the way back. Part of me knew I needed the money for more important things, but I decided that it is important for one's mental well-being to have nice things now and again. I can deal with the other stuff when I need to. Hattie Jacques' expression looks like the part of me that won.
Tonight we're having a party for my brother's partner. She has recently had wonderful news, so we're going to celebrate with her.
I'm sitting here feeling and smelling very unwashed, so I need to buck my ideas up and have a bath.