After dinner I took myself to the pub to have a natter with my brother. As normal we sat peacefully in the corner, finishing off a couple of crosswords in the newspaper. It was lovely for the first ten minutes or so, that is until Cunt the First (magnitude 1) walked in. His gob was in full flow by the time both feet had entered the premises. As usual he came and sat by us and talked. He talked and talked and talked. He wouldn't fucking shut up. After two hours of the monologue I was on the point of exploding, but the landlady calmed me down. My brother is much more patient than I. He says he can block it out, but it shouldn't be necessary for one to have to put oneself into a semi-coma, should it? Besides I can tell that underneath, he is upset by the intrusion. After a further hour, two of my closest friends came in. I've never been happier to see them, I can tell you. They came and talked to us, and then we had a game of scrabble, thereby easing the cunt away from us. But pity the poor landlord and landlady, because they were his next two victims. We could hear it. It was appalling. I won't even bore you with the undiluted shite he prated on about, with his usual condescending air and relentless ferocity.
Toward the end of his visit we had a visit from Cunt the Sixth (Lesser Spotted Cunt, magnitude 2-3). This cunt is very rarely seen in the locality. It is of average height, scrawny build, uninspiring appearance and very talkative. In fact he talks at his audience purely about himself; ME, ME, ME.... Ain't it boring? Mercifully he didn't stay too long, so my brother, the landlord and I could unwind with a nice pint and a game of scrabble.
Of course I realise that the first cunt must be very lonely, but if I am honest, I have felt very angry all day.
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