Round and round it goes

I managed to make it through work, although the day really dragged this time. They put another new person with me today so that I could help them. I feel really uncomfortable about it, as working alone helped me cope with the job. In fact I was really cross, and thought about (then dismissed) the tempting possibility of walking out. Besides, I don't want such close contact with someone I don't know. Not yet, anyway. The company has been told that I have aspergers, so I can't help feeling a bit disappointed by their insensitivity.

As usual, before I started writing I tried to think of a picture that demonstrates what I want to say. I couldn't think of one, and I was no luckier when I looked on Google. So today I've included three pictures to help me explain.

The top picture represents the ethereal plane. I have chosen it to show a constantly active mind and the feeling of being surrounded by thoughts. The middle picture of a lightning storm demonstrates the intensity, and sometimes ferocity, of those thoughts. The tornado at the bottom indicates the feeling of being surrounded by a swirling vortex of mental activity. Note the destructive qualities of the lower two pictures. The analogy is with that of my mind turning inwardly against me. Some aspies are inclined towards self-harm. I now believe that I do this mentally, rather than physically.

I'm in a funny sort of mood today and I don't like it. Since I started writing, I have noticed that I do get some wonderfully happy moments, but they don't seem to last for very long. I have also noticed that I can rapidly go from one extreme to the other, but spend most of the time somewhere in between. The inner 'me' feels a huge amount of love and happiness, but this becomes increasingly hard to show as my moods worsen. The inner glow is tempered by the power of electricity, as well as by all the swirling boulders and debris of the whirlwind.

One of my friends runs a supper club, and she is giving a supper this evening. I know she is apprehensive about it , so I am mentally goading her on to succeed. I really want her to enjoy it as well. She and her husband have invited me to go and visit them when I'm free. I'd love to do that because they're lovely people and I really enjoy their company. I will try and organise something before too long.

If any reader either has aspergers or lives with it, I would be very interested to know if you recognise any of the feelings or situations that I have discussed in my blogs. I know for sure that they ring true with my aspie friends here. I would also be interested to learn how you manage to cope. If you feel able, please contact me by posting a comment on the relevant blog.