I want to talk about my fit on Monday. I've had what I thought were blackouts since the age of fourteen. I always felt them coming on, and did my best to get to the floor before they started. I was usually unsuccessful, and would usually feel the result of a whack to the head for some days afterwards. The blackouts didn't bother me particularly. I just went with the flow. I had always been on my own when the blackouts happened, so of course I never knew what had taken place. The last three occurrences happened in the presence of others, and I now know that my blackouts were actually fits. My mum's oldest brother has fits, so we do have it in the family. The people who witnessed my seizures have told me what happened. It sounds really ghastly, and I feel so sorry for the distress that I caused. I remember being quite terrified just before my fit last December. I think I was panicked by someone saying 'He's having a stroke' just behind me. A very close friend had recently died as a result of a stroke. I thought I was going to die too. I was with close friends when it happened on Monday. I was lucky because the lady knew exactly what to do. I felt awful just as it started, but I wasn't frightened. My only physical consequence is the pain caused by my falling down just prior to the fit, and of course the physical exhaustion yesterday.
Something in me has changed since Monday. I listened to music yesterday, the first time I have done so in months. I'm starting to look forward to things, I mean genuinely looking forward. Rather than persuading myself with nice thoughts, I'm starting to genuinely feel them. I wonder if Monday's little melodrama has finally knocked the bum-end of my last depression out of me.
Now I need to pull myself together & go up the doctors.
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