A public health announcement

My local pub is suffering a serious infestation of the Common or Garden Cunt (Mingicus Sativus Hortense). Today the pub was visited by scientists from the Ministry of Health, and they have identified no less than nine different cunts there. I am about to present their descriptions to you. If you see one of these cunts, keep well away because they are dangerous, and call 999 immediately.

Cunt the First (Mingicus s.h. var. Jayceedavii)

Seen throughout the evening. Above average height, going bald, mean and clever beady little eyes. Looks like he was knitted in drab colours. Very talkative and speaks in sentences ranging from twenty minutes to over eight hours in length. Completely oblivious to his victim's response. Takes over other people's conversations. Has a morbid interest in public transport and the completely uninteresting.

Cunt the Second (Mingicus s,h. var Taizanobii)

Seen late at night. Average height, average appearance, average voice. Average. Reddish complexion, bulbous nose, red and glazed eyes, inane grin, slurred speech. Grey hair swept back. Has the appearance of being knitted. Loquacious and laughs like a demon. Not house-trained. Has problems remaining upright, and is known to walk into things or fall over them.Talks unadulterated shite and laughs at things which really aren't funny.

Cunt the Third  (Mingicus s.h. var Lobotomii)

This one has only been seen once, early one evening. Short, tubby, devoid of both neck and chin. Articulate; too articulate possibly. He pretended to be quiet for quite a while, and then spoke furiously about matters of no interest whatsoever, except to himself.

Cunt the Fourth (Mingicus s.h. Quimii-Flangei)

This one is distinguished by an unusual headdress and clothes. Rides around on a mobility scooter yet isn't disabled. Disjointed speech, mumbles and prattles on. Interests include plane crashes, bikes, pogo sticks and the downright weird. This is one of the quieter cunts.

Cunt the Fifth (Mingicus s.h. var Mintzii)

This delusional cunt imagines himself to have a fine voice, and to be interesting. He is an expert on all subjects, both known and unknown. He has had an illustrious career as a singer. If you try not to talk to him, he keeps on and on trying to drag you into the conversation. He is very annoying and persistent.

Cunt the Sixth (Mingicus s.h. var Bintii)

This is a most unremarkable cunt, except for his cry of mi mi mi mi mi mi mi. In fact all he does is talk about himself. Me Me Me.... This is sometimes known as the lesser spotted cunt, on account of his rare appearances.

Cunt the Seventh (Mingicus s.h. var Zebedii)

This is a relative newcomer in this neck of the woods. Below average height, above average girth, below average intelligence, gormless but nosey expression. Prattles endlessly and annoyingly, and speaks to anyone who is mug enough to listen. Has delusions of authority and some exceptionally strange notions founded on a complete lack of knowledge.

Cunt the Eighth (Mingicus s.h. var Flobberii)

Tall and shifty- looking, and speaks with a flobbering tongue so is difficult to understand. Usually appears with the female of the species.

Cunt the Ninth (Mingicus s.h. var Dildoides)

A thoroughly objectionable cunt. Short, fat and dull. Thinks he owns the town and everyone in it. Rude and ignorant although possibly intelligent. Usually appears accompanied by two or three slags.

Dear reader, this is so close to the truth I couldn't possibly have made it up. These are the individuals who have annoyed, or sometimes even traumatised, my brother and I. The fake-latin names have significance to the people who know these individuals. Well then, that has got it off my chest.