The awful ordeal of the last two years, and the events of the past couple of weeks, have caught up with me. I've had one of those nights where the anxiety and depression have ganged up with the autism to leave me feeling completely battered.
I'm away from home this week, and having such a marvelous time with dear friends, and catching up with people I hadn't seen for such a long time. I now have the opportunity to go to India, and I'm really excited about it. I love carnatic music, and a trip to certain cities in Tamil Nadu will give me (I hope) the opportunity to find some interesting recordings. I'm worried about the climate, the general business of it all, and the insects. I'm quite phobic about insects at the best of times. I know it's quite silly, but that's how I am. I've decided to go for only a week, just in case I find it too difficult.
I had really terrible nightmares last night, and woke up in a state of panic at half past three this morning. The agonisingly long period of mistreatment by those in authority, the final outcome at the tribunal, the uncertainty about my flat and my impatience to move, my concern for the man at the historic building who had a heart attack, my finding myself in charge of the building when there is nothing I would rather do less, my playing for a wedding reception next weekend, my forthcoming concert; I woke up with all these things going through my head, and sweating profusely.
On top of that there are still things that I need to sort out with my support worker when I see her. And on top of that, there is the full expectation that things will go wrong for me. That is what generally happens. Ain't I cheerful.
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