The rack

The feelings that I am about to tell you are not new. They have always been with me, but I never acknowledged them. I apologise unreservedly for what is going to be another bleedin' cheerful read.
Last night I played at the pub. It was very busy, lots of people coming in and out, so I played my routine four times in as many hours. I didn't recognise most of the people. I had a nice chat with a few of my favourite regulars afterwards. The music went down very well.
I couldn't settle down when I got back, and ended up going to bed at 2.30am. Last night I kept dreaming of people who matter to me. Every time I did so, I woke up. I remember waking up many times, but not staying awake. I finally woke up with a start at 1.20pm. My foot was tapping and my mind was in full throttle with indistinct, unclear, abstract thoughts. At the time I didn't know what I was thinking about, and I still don't. All I know is that I was thinking. I am tired. I ache. I am exhausted. My neck and shoulders hurt. I fell like I've been on the rack all night.
I am sorry to say that my aspergers mood hasn't shifted yet. Inside I have the same feeling I get when someone close to me dies. I don't know why. It hurts and leaves you feeling wretched. When I wrote yesterday, I came to the realisation that most of my internal suffering is inflicted by myself upon myself. That's a bit like the rack, too, I suppose. For me, the two guards represent aspergers, only they are punishing the mind rather than the body. They have complete control over the object of their attentions. They are unyielding and unemotional. They are cruel. Aspergers is cruel to. I hate it. What I also realise is that the two guards are just as much a part of myself, as is the man on the rack. For me, the picture symbolises what my mind is doing to itself.
I have had the 'bereaved' feeling many times in my life, but have never looked at it or tried to analyse it. I always ignored it, swept it under the carpet, and told myself to just get on with it. I can remember many occasions where I went to work feeling as I do now. I know I will get through, but I do hope this mood will shift itself soon.