A footnote

Although I try to remain positive, the truth is I'm feeling very edgy and my mood is a bit low. So much has happened in my life lately. It is all for the better, but is unsettling nonetheless. I'm aware that being in close confinement with a very annoying alcoholic the other day didn't do a great deal for my peace of mind. I'm also aware of the intense embarrassment and the feeling of being stupid that I've been carrying since yesterday.

It is really very tiring when one's brain bombards itself with so many thoughts, ideas, moods, conversations, memories, faces, and everything else. Reader, there is no cause for alarm. I'm just trying to describe how the condition affects me. Your brain feels like it's in a loop from the time you wake up till the time you go to bed. When you're asleep bits of things throw themselves at you in the form of dreams.

I'm not very good at the self-esteem stuff, so it's hard to give an image of confidence to others. I don't like having people round me all day, yet I don't really like my own company. This paradoxical lifestyle is shared by many people with aspergers.

I'm determined to remain focused and to look ahead, but the constant mental activity does wear you out sometimes. It seems quite strange to me that I've always been the way I am, but never thought anything of it. Until now I had taken it all to be part of depression, to be ignored and ridden out. I've always been deeply ashamed of the depression. The feeling is that one is completely "lacking in moral fibre", can't cope as well as "normal" people with everyday things, makes impaired judgements and is a failure. I don't feel these things quite so keenly as I used to, but the feelings are still there.

However even at my fairly advanced age, I am hell-bent on making something of my life. I know inside that I can do it. I just need a bit of help with the "how", and am looking forward to my ASD referral at such time as they are able to see me.