The painting is "The Lady of Shallott" by Waterhouse (1888). I used to love this picture when I was a teenager, and had a cheap poster of it on my wall. I don't know why I liked it. The miserable bint has a face like a slapped arse. Nowadays I try to imagine her out of the picture, as it's such a lovely landscape painting. When I write my blogs it's as though I'm looking at my mind as if it were a jigsaw puzzle. I examine each piece in great detail before deciding on its significance, and then trying to work out where it actually belongs. There seems to be quite a number of pieces missing in the puzzle shown above. I wonder if I too have a number of important pieces missing. In real life I have an above-average intellect, but not much else that could possibly be mistaken for intelligence. In reality I'm not much use to man or beast, when I think about it. I also wonder if the kids at school were right when they used to call me a spastic.
Nothing in my life has changed significantly in the last week, or the last month, yet my moods have been all over the place. The whirlwind that has been going round in my head now seems to have sucked up my physical body too, and I feel as if I'm being whirled round and round together with all the psychological debris.
My sleep was chaotic last night. I kept waking up for short periods. I woke up finally (or so I thought) at whatever time, and watched it get light. The next thing I remember is waking up to a beautiful, sunny day. The final time I woke up finally was to a heavy shower. After quite some time I got up at 12.40pm. My brain was thinking intensely and lucidly throughout, but I was too tired to move. Unusually my foot didn't start tapping (I think I was too exhausted), and I am aching from wherever my body made contact with the mattress. I didn't really want to get up today, but I wanted me coffee and fags, and I have only myself to make them.
My mood isn't very good today, but I don't hurt as intensely as I did yesterday. Fucking aspergers again. You get these moods and it can take ages to shift them.
I don't know how I managed it but I did play at the pub yesterday evening, and it was a success. The two new friends I've made (the couple who have two aspergic children) came along, and I was delighted to see them. Unfortunately Cunt the First (magnitude 1) turned up afterwards and cornered my brother and his partner, as usual. Sir, if perchance you've stumbled across my blog, let me tell you here and now that you're one of the most disagreeable cunts it's ever been my misfortune to encounter. You would be much more acceptable if you were to keep your gob shut for a few seconds here and there, although I realise what a terrible strain this would be for you. In short, kindly desist from any intercourse with us on this occasion ( or, shut the fuck up).
Aspergers poses real problems in forming relationships and friendships. It's all about communication and miscommunication. It's also about understanding and misunderstanding. There is also the issue of needing to be on one's own, which can be isolating. My dilemma is as follows. I need time on my own but don't like my own company. I need time with other people, but not too much time. I would really like to spend more time with the people I'm closest to, but I can never work out what the boundaries are. At my age, you'd think I should know these things. I honestly don't.
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