Let's talk shit

The above picture shows Common or Garden Shit (Faeces Sativus var. Communis). This morning, I'm afraid to say I both look like and feel like that by-product of daily existence. I went to bed at 1.30am and remember that I kept waking up. I woke up very early and lay there thinking and thinking, during which I noticed night turning into day, and the day grow brighter. I listened to the seagulls nagging both each other and the world in general. I got up at 8.10am. While I was thinking, I became aware that I was mouthing some of the words without voicing them. I don't know if I've ever done that before.

While I was thinking a couple of ideas came my way. I remembered the Goya picture shown in one of my earlier blogs (The Dream of Reason Produces Monsters). I have come to the realisation that the most of my inner suffering is entirely of my own making. Self-harm is not uncommon amongst aspergic people. I wonder if I am doing the same thing to myself, only with spiteful and cruel thoughts rather than a sharp implement.

I do not like my own company and am intolerant of myself. I am becoming increasingly aware of my own shortcomings. I hate it when I misunderstand things. I feel a complete imbecile and duff myself up for it. The thing I absolutely hate the most is that I don't understand body language, gesture and nuance. This has put me in situations where I have unintentionally hurt those closest to me, by inappropriate behaviour or an ill-chosen word. In spite of reassuring and kind words, I still believe that I did hurt by brother the other day. As usual my brain's retribution has been swift and excessive. For the past few days a few moments have been going round and round in my head, each time confronting me with a feeling of spiteful indignation. The hurt. The hurt weighs so heavily with me. Serves me right.

Today I'm meant to be meeting three of the odd bunch at lunchtime. I feel a bit edgy about it but long to see them. I hope none of them will be too poorly to come.

Yesterday the pub landlord asked me if I would play this evening for a party of visitors. Of course I said yes, so will spend the rest of today trying to pull myself together.

Dear reader, please understand these feelings are not new. They have always been with me. What is different now is that I am starting to acknowledge how I feel, rather than just covering it all up. I am really quite used to these moods, as awful as they are. What is different now is that I know that I am surrounded by love. I feel that love. God help me when I try to express it though. As they might have said in my last job 'a major development need'.

I hope, if any reader is affected by similar issues to mine, that they may be reassured that they are not alone in the difficulties they face. I urge them to seek diagnosis and treatment, if they have not already done so. I also urge them to talk about it to someone they can trust. I hope this shitty fucking aspergers mood will have shifted by tomorrow so I can have a decent night's sleep and get on with my life.