Why do I do that?

I went to the pub last night. To begin with it was very difficult because the place was full of people I didn't know. I sat in the corner and played with a small spinning-top until they left. The person who always hijacks your conversations was also there so I didn't try to say anything. By closing time I had drunk a lot, and then spent some time talking to my friend who has aspergers.

When I've had that much to drink, all my emotions come out. When I'm drunk I never say anything I don't mean, and always remember what I've said when I've sobered up. My own feelings are so painful and so confused I don't have a hope of articulating them, unless I'm drunk. The truth is that I lose my inhibitions and all the guilt and embarrassment of feeling how I do. After a drink I often act the goat as a way of coping with people. That's also part of me, I'm a bit of a clown, both happy and sad. I want to be a good friend to the people I love, but I am persecuted by memories of our last conversations, in case I have said anything that hurt them

I always feel ashamed of getting drunk, and the next morning everything from the drunken episode flies round in my head, together with all the other rubbish that tortures me when I wake up. "Why do I do it?", I ask myself. I just wish that I was like other people, and could cope with the daily fact of being alive.