Went to bed at 11.55pm and woke up suddenly in pitch blackness. My mind was working overtime. Complete overload. I lay with my eyes shut for quite some time and noticed my foot tapping so I got up. It was 4.40am. Exhausting. Had a coffee and a fag and I'm still thinking nineteen to the dozen. Yesterday my friend and I went to a concert. I did look forward to it, but I felt very uneasy when we went in. You see, I feel very uncomfortable with so many people around. We sat down; I shut my eyes for a moment and managed to calm myself.
"ASD, probably Aspergers" ain't much fun for someone who is a musician. I an terrified of playing in front of people, as I don't like prolonged eye contact with strangers. I hate being stared at. My professional training taught me to assume a comfortable posture and not to look at anyone in particular, but I feel myself drawn into the crowd and notice every face, all at once. I hear all the whispers, all the coughs, and these blend themselves into a hubbub of noise. It is debilitating and quite overwhelming.
On the other hand I am capable of very long periods of intense concentration and in great detail, again Aspergers' traits.
Another trait is that my musical interests are very limited. I have studied my repertoire to a very high level and thinking about it occupies a good deal of my time. I am also fascinated by the musicology of that repertoire. Frankly I dislike and am not interested in any music, other than what I play or listen to. I always enjoy hearing my friends play but don't usually enjoy the music. (If any of my musician friends are reading this, don't be offended. Please continue to invite me. I want to see you do your stuff).
I am very sensitive to sound. Loud music is noise pollution, and when this is combined with repetitive rhythms, I am affected badly. I get pins and needles in my arms, my chest starts to throb and I panic. When I listen to my friends who play in bands, I generally stand outside, on the pretext of smoking.
I am currently playing at a local cultural event. The set-up there is much more to my liking, as I'm playing informally in a room with people walking around and talking. Of course I notice all the people but they are not staring at you. You don't feel trapped.
I also get stuck when more than one conversation is taking place in a room. I hear everything that is being said but can't concentrate on any of it. If I'm talking to someone in that situation I try to lip-read, which sometimes works. If it doesn't, I feel panicky and leave the room if possible. If I can't leave the room then I usually switch off.
Ain't it boring.
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