Another rainbow

The flag in the photo was the Gay Pride flag which hung outside my pub earlier this year. Two issues; firstly I am attracted to men but am not gay, in that I don't share that cultural package. Secondly I can be neither proud nor ashamed of something over which I have no control. Usually I would expect someone to be proud of an achievement, such as climbing the Matterhorn or swimming the Pacific. One's sexual orientation is not an achievement. This flag symbolises something else for me. It is a rainbow, and it is very like the logo of the Aspergers Awareness Community, who are to be found online. It is not a symbol of pride for me, but a symbol of identity. It also a warm reminder of a very special lady. The flag now hangs over my living-room door.

I had another bumpy night last night. I went to bed at 1.45am and got up at 8.20am. It took me a while to fall asleep, and I spent three periods awake with my mind in full gear. I am not going to speak to my GP about the problems I have with my sleep, but I will tell the consultant when I get the appointment.

I went up the pub yesterday. I was glad to see my friend who had been ill. He'd had some sort of stomach bug. He looked washed-up and had lost weight, but I was relieved to see him. The evening was spoiled by one character who visits sporadically. He is a very intelligent and interesting man when he's sober, but he's very rarely sober. He arrived in a very inebriated state and so it began; manic laughter, grunts and incoherent ramblings; ceaseless and without pause for breath, all at ninety-five decibels. I am greatly affected by noise and felt agitated and upset, but I didn't want to leave my friends. My friends are able to laugh it off but I can't. I was so upset my arms started aching and I was on the point of tearfulness. I took myself outside for a few moments and tried to pull myself together.

With Aspergers, what happens is that words, people, feelings, moods and ideas play on ones mind. Experiences & conversations and sounds go round and round and round in your head. You are bombarded to the point of being overloaded, and it can take days for an uncomfortable mood to settle down. I don't feel very nice at the moment, but I will just ride it out. I don't despair of it, but I'm just starting to understand how I feel.

When that person left (he had to be coaxed out of his seat at closing time), he was so incapable that he fell over his bike and ended up underneath the bike. Poor man.