A matter of perspective

I know that in the past I have appeared to be a bit weak. I can understand how people arrived at that conclusion, for I was unsuccessful, cried very easily and completely lacking in confidence.
Well I've had several long, hard looks in the mirror since I was diagnosed. This is what I saw:

1) I did not do well in the world because of my neurological and sensory issues.,

2) The embarrassing spells of crying were actually autistic 'meltdowns' (I fucking hate that word. It's become such a cliché), where my head became so overwhelmed with thoughts that I couldn't cope with it.

3) Thinking I was mad, I have spent my whole life trying to hide those things that people might recognise as mad. I didn't want anyone to know. Also I didn't want to worry anyone I was close to. I was always myself, but could never be myself. No wonder I lacked confidence.

Do you know something? The more I think about it, I think I must have been very strong to have led such a horrible life with all the autistic stuff going on in my head. I really don't know how I managed.

In the meanwhile

I collected the keyboard and then set to work. After moving everything I could from my bedroom into the spare room, I hoovered and shampooed my bedroom carpet. I couldn't believe how much muck was sucked up by the machine.
Then on to the counseling session and it was a productive one. I told her about the man I see about work, about my horrific experience last weekend and about the one just gone, which was lovely. I told her about my recurrent dreams (travel, missing connections, menace etc) and told her I thought it symbolized autism driving me, and to places I don't want to be. The lady told me she too believes I am autistic, so I felt comfortable about discussing issues around that (eg being affected physically by sounds). I also discussed a little diary of thoughts that I'd recorded last Thursday week.
At last I am getting the support I've always needed. My nephew asked me last Saturday how I'd managed to cope all these years. I gave a bland answer, but in truth I don't feel I really did cope at all. I just used to hide what I felt, which isn't the same thing. I think that this time I am going to come through feeling very strong and able to manage life a bit better. I want my life to be my own.

Thinking

I got the bus and am back in town now. On the way I did some more thinking about last Sunday. I wondered 'How do I feel about it?', and the truth is I don't really know whether I was angry, sad or frightened, or if it was a combination of all three. Of course I know the difference in meaning between the three emotions, but the more I think about it all three feel exactly the same to me, and that's why I think I get so confused. That's something I want to discuss with the counsellor, whenever my next appointment is.