Showing posts with label autism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label autism. Show all posts
Saturday, 7 November 2015
Social media
Most of the stuff I see on social media is trite. Absolute drivel. I post daft stuff like that too. I like a giggle, but I'm naturally a serious sort of person. Lately I've been using my page to actively promote awareness of mental health issues, and to highlight any shortcomings in the levels of service being provided to users. I wonder how many 'friends' will drop off. What I do know is that any real friends will be just as concerned about these issues as I am.
Tuesday, 3 November 2015
A matter of perspective
I know that in the past I have appeared to be a bit weak. I can understand how people arrived at that conclusion, for I was unsuccessful, cried very easily and completely lacking in confidence.
Well I've had several long, hard looks in the mirror since I was diagnosed. This is what I saw:
1) I did not do well in the world because of my neurological and sensory issues.,
2) The embarrassing spells of crying were actually autistic 'meltdowns' (I fucking hate that word. It's become such a cliché), where my head became so overwhelmed with thoughts that I couldn't cope with it.
3) Thinking I was mad, I have spent my whole life trying to hide those things that people might recognise as mad. I didn't want anyone to know. Also I didn't want to worry anyone I was close to. I was always myself, but could never be myself. No wonder I lacked confidence.
Do you know something? The more I think about it, I think I must have been very strong to have led such a horrible life with all the autistic stuff going on in my head. I really don't know how I managed.
Well I've had several long, hard looks in the mirror since I was diagnosed. This is what I saw:
1) I did not do well in the world because of my neurological and sensory issues.,
2) The embarrassing spells of crying were actually autistic 'meltdowns' (I fucking hate that word. It's become such a cliché), where my head became so overwhelmed with thoughts that I couldn't cope with it.
3) Thinking I was mad, I have spent my whole life trying to hide those things that people might recognise as mad. I didn't want anyone to know. Also I didn't want to worry anyone I was close to. I was always myself, but could never be myself. No wonder I lacked confidence.
Do you know something? The more I think about it, I think I must have been very strong to have led such a horrible life with all the autistic stuff going on in my head. I really don't know how I managed.
Monday, 2 November 2015
ASD diagnosis
In this country there is great inequality in the service levels provided by different hospital trusts. There are even different service provisions for England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland. I waited nearly two years for my diagnosis, and believe that I only got my appointment because I wrote to my local Member of Parliament. This is totally unacceptable.
If you have been waiting an interminable amount of time for your appointment, or if you know someone who has, I urge you to contact your MP. I wish that everyone in the same boat would flood parliament with letters. All this waiting around is cruel. It must stop.
If you have been waiting an interminable amount of time for your appointment, or if you know someone who has, I urge you to contact your MP. I wish that everyone in the same boat would flood parliament with letters. All this waiting around is cruel. It must stop.
Thursday, 27 August 2015
The melodrama
I've heard from one lot of people. I'm no longer on that waiting list and my treatment will start in a fortnight. Meanwhile I've heard nothing further from the autism diagnosis people. I, therefore, remain on their waiting list. Yawn. I hope I hear from them before I get too old and frail to attend the appointment.
Tuesday, 25 August 2015
Why?
I took my time with the fags and coffee this morning. I couldn't make my mind up whether I wanted anything to eat so I went without.
My thoughts were all over the place. Then I started wondering why I publish things about autism and mental health on social media, as I am usually the last person to want to draw attention to myself. The train of thought was as follows; people look at me and know what they see. The truth is I don't necessarily know what they see, but at the same time they probably don't know what I see when I look out. I publish only the things that are relevant to my own experience, for example difficulties with employment, using telephones, sensory overload, waiting times for diagnosis, associated health issues, understanding others and so on. It's not that I expect everybody to read everything, although I hope that people might read some of it, but the writings give a professional account of the things I experience, in a way that I could not express for myself. The writings give voice to how my life has been.
My thoughts were all over the place. Then I started wondering why I publish things about autism and mental health on social media, as I am usually the last person to want to draw attention to myself. The train of thought was as follows; people look at me and know what they see. The truth is I don't necessarily know what they see, but at the same time they probably don't know what I see when I look out. I publish only the things that are relevant to my own experience, for example difficulties with employment, using telephones, sensory overload, waiting times for diagnosis, associated health issues, understanding others and so on. It's not that I expect everybody to read everything, although I hope that people might read some of it, but the writings give a professional account of the things I experience, in a way that I could not express for myself. The writings give voice to how my life has been.
Monday, 24 August 2015
News
One of the autism charities has just taken up the cause of waiting times for diagnosis. Of course I've signed the petition and so has one of my cousins. It was a nice change to see something inclusive of all autists, rather than just about women or just about children. We are all served very badly in this country.
Friday, 7 August 2015
Annoying
This autism stuff. First of all it's always stuff about kids. Now it's always stuff about women. What's going on? Why do we always have to be labeled and separated? Why don't they write something inclusive for a change?
Thursday, 6 August 2015
A question
Practically everything I see about autism on social media is about children. Of course this is important, but what about adults. We have gone through life without any sort of guidance or help, and in my case I'm still waiting for that. It's as if adults are completely disregarded or ignored, as if we don't even matter. Why?
Friday, 24 July 2015
Today
I've been creaking and aching since I got up, but I'm not complaining. After coffee and fags in my friends garden I was driven home to get myself smartened up. I'm wearing a suit but no tie, ready for the interview at lunchtime. I'm not at all looking forward to it, but I am looking forward to getting it over and done with.
I hate interviews. I am intensely uncomfortable when someone I don't know starts talking to me and looking at me. It's torture. I will have to walk the tightrope between maintaining eye contact, and giving someone the eyeball. The hard bit will be to try and find the right words to say what I really mean, when I'm being constantly intimidated by surroundings with which I am unfamiliar. Deep breath now. I can only be myself.
I hate interviews. I am intensely uncomfortable when someone I don't know starts talking to me and looking at me. It's torture. I will have to walk the tightrope between maintaining eye contact, and giving someone the eyeball. The hard bit will be to try and find the right words to say what I really mean, when I'm being constantly intimidated by surroundings with which I am unfamiliar. Deep breath now. I can only be myself.
Thursday, 16 July 2015
Moods
Quite odd really. I was thinking about my moods earlier, and concluded they are the inevitable result of a brain, whose thoughts are constant, manifold and completely out of control. That's all there is to it.
Friday, 26 June 2015
Since the interview
I've done nothing but ponder on the words of that doctor the other day, who though the number of autistic people was 'crazy'. His facial expression and sniggering made it clear that he also found it amusing.
My thoughts are as follows. I don't believe that there has been a sudden outbreak of autism. Nor do I believe there is an epidemic. I have come to the conclusion that ASD is nothing more than a way of being human. It stands to reason that there must always have been a substantial number of individuals with autistic brains.
The ASD stuff in itself is not a handicap to start with. It can have certain advantages over non-autistic thought, for example the higher than average intelligence which is necessarily part of the diagnosis. I do not see it as a medical condition, in the sense of it being an illness or disorder. The difficulties we experience are social ones. Society at large requires us to conform to its own standards. We are expected to fit in with it. My experience is that any mental health issues arise out of the struggle to conform.
Numerous images flash through my mind; the autistic caveman sitting apart from the group, thinking and pondering, trying to understand his world. The recusant who refused to attend church, as society's laws compelled him to do. The heretic who set himself apart from society by saying that he did not believe in that which he was required to believe. The wise woman on the edge of a village, living on her own and tending her plants. Jean-Philippe Rameau, highly intelligent and well-read, who preferred to avoid the company of others, and composed into his eighties. (I do not know whether Rameau was autistic. It doesn't matter one way or the other. It is just the image of him that came to mind). The comedian, who makes everyone laugh but is himself sad and isolated, and quite ill-at-ease in company. All the 'eccentrics' who have contributed so much to the world, and who have never quite fitted in with it.
Anyone who thinks that autism is a new thing, an epidemic or an illness must be either ignorant, blind to the facts, or a complete idiot. Or incapable of accepting difference.
My thoughts are as follows. I don't believe that there has been a sudden outbreak of autism. Nor do I believe there is an epidemic. I have come to the conclusion that ASD is nothing more than a way of being human. It stands to reason that there must always have been a substantial number of individuals with autistic brains.
The ASD stuff in itself is not a handicap to start with. It can have certain advantages over non-autistic thought, for example the higher than average intelligence which is necessarily part of the diagnosis. I do not see it as a medical condition, in the sense of it being an illness or disorder. The difficulties we experience are social ones. Society at large requires us to conform to its own standards. We are expected to fit in with it. My experience is that any mental health issues arise out of the struggle to conform.
Numerous images flash through my mind; the autistic caveman sitting apart from the group, thinking and pondering, trying to understand his world. The recusant who refused to attend church, as society's laws compelled him to do. The heretic who set himself apart from society by saying that he did not believe in that which he was required to believe. The wise woman on the edge of a village, living on her own and tending her plants. Jean-Philippe Rameau, highly intelligent and well-read, who preferred to avoid the company of others, and composed into his eighties. (I do not know whether Rameau was autistic. It doesn't matter one way or the other. It is just the image of him that came to mind). The comedian, who makes everyone laugh but is himself sad and isolated, and quite ill-at-ease in company. All the 'eccentrics' who have contributed so much to the world, and who have never quite fitted in with it.
Anyone who thinks that autism is a new thing, an epidemic or an illness must be either ignorant, blind to the facts, or a complete idiot. Or incapable of accepting difference.
Thursday, 25 June 2015
Another autism thing
I went round to see the locked-in teenager earlier on, but didn't get to see him. We wasn't in the right frame of mind to see anyone so stayed in his room.
I think I know how he felt. Rather I remember how I felt sometimes when I wouldn't see people, and would stay in my bedroom until they had left. Some people I just didn't like so would avoid them. Others I did like, only I just didn't feel up to being sociable. It's so easy to feel you're you're being crowded out, when all you want is to be quiet.
When I was in a relationship (for want of a better word), I used to deal with this by cooking and cooking and cooking, thereby ensuring that I was always too busy to entertain. I used to turn out endless cakes, puddings, desserts, bread, pastries, pies, as well as what we were having for dinner. And then there was all the consequent washing and drying up. I'm sure that other people must have thought it quite ridiculous, but that's how I survived.
I do hope the kid is feeling a bit better when I turn up next week.
I think I know how he felt. Rather I remember how I felt sometimes when I wouldn't see people, and would stay in my bedroom until they had left. Some people I just didn't like so would avoid them. Others I did like, only I just didn't feel up to being sociable. It's so easy to feel you're you're being crowded out, when all you want is to be quiet.
When I was in a relationship (for want of a better word), I used to deal with this by cooking and cooking and cooking, thereby ensuring that I was always too busy to entertain. I used to turn out endless cakes, puddings, desserts, bread, pastries, pies, as well as what we were having for dinner. And then there was all the consequent washing and drying up. I'm sure that other people must have thought it quite ridiculous, but that's how I survived.
I do hope the kid is feeling a bit better when I turn up next week.
The interview
Let me tell you about the interview that wasn't an interview (re the post of receptionist at a Chiropractitioner's). It was a group session for all sorts of vacancies, and took place as follows.
1) We filled in a questionnaire to ascertain our performance type in the workplace.
2) The practitioner talked about the business.
3) We each got up and talked about ourselves in front of the group.
4) We completed a 'quick-thinking' test sheet.
This is what happened in part two. First of all the man described the company and its other branches. Then he went on about being dynamic and wanting to change people's lives. Yes I am dynamic but not the outward manifestation he described. He then said that university degrees weren't a guarantee of anything, and that in this country one can get a first class degree with marks of 80%. He then talked at length about the Central Nervous System. I'm not sure how relevant this information is to a receptionist or an accountant. He described how all diseases can be attributed to disorders of the nervous system. At one point he said that he went to something and there were loads of autistic people (he sniggered), autism aspergers and all that ( he beamed). It's crazy, he said. He said that autism was caused by birth trauma. Then he talked about depression, and how doctors prescribed antidepressants to make people average. He said it was a nervous system disorder. I don't remember what else he said. His words were going round and round in my head, and I didn't hear anything else he said.
My points are as follows:
1) I don't particularly want to change people's lives. That's why I'm applying for a receptionist job, rather than one as a bishop or a member of parliament.
2) My results from university were 90-95%, and my results were apparently verified by an Oxford Don.
3) I have never before heard his particular theory on autism.
4) I have never heard his theory on why doctors prescribe antidepressants.
I'm not going to go into my feelings, except to say that I'm quite annoyed by what this gentleman said. I couldn't possibly work with someone who is so offensive. I have also asked MIND and the local autism charity if they are aware of this doctor's theories.
1) We filled in a questionnaire to ascertain our performance type in the workplace.
2) The practitioner talked about the business.
3) We each got up and talked about ourselves in front of the group.
4) We completed a 'quick-thinking' test sheet.
This is what happened in part two. First of all the man described the company and its other branches. Then he went on about being dynamic and wanting to change people's lives. Yes I am dynamic but not the outward manifestation he described. He then said that university degrees weren't a guarantee of anything, and that in this country one can get a first class degree with marks of 80%. He then talked at length about the Central Nervous System. I'm not sure how relevant this information is to a receptionist or an accountant. He described how all diseases can be attributed to disorders of the nervous system. At one point he said that he went to something and there were loads of autistic people (he sniggered), autism aspergers and all that ( he beamed). It's crazy, he said. He said that autism was caused by birth trauma. Then he talked about depression, and how doctors prescribed antidepressants to make people average. He said it was a nervous system disorder. I don't remember what else he said. His words were going round and round in my head, and I didn't hear anything else he said.
My points are as follows:
1) I don't particularly want to change people's lives. That's why I'm applying for a receptionist job, rather than one as a bishop or a member of parliament.
2) My results from university were 90-95%, and my results were apparently verified by an Oxford Don.
3) I have never before heard his particular theory on autism.
4) I have never heard his theory on why doctors prescribe antidepressants.
I'm not going to go into my feelings, except to say that I'm quite annoyed by what this gentleman said. I couldn't possibly work with someone who is so offensive. I have also asked MIND and the local autism charity if they are aware of this doctor's theories.
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
Autism stuff
I'm having such a hard time lately. Every day I am upset by the terrible noise, sickening behavior and aggressive conduct of my upstairs neighbours. It's all starting to make me feel ill. I wonder if it's the autism that's causing me to react as I do. Am I just being unreasonable? Over-sensitive? Misinterpreting? I wonder too if someone who was not autistic would react differently. I don't know. Perhaps it's just me again.
Friday, 19 June 2015
Just now
Earlier on I went and met the autistic teenager. The poor sod was really locked in, but we did manage to communicate. I bet he's really clever too, even though he denies it.
Afterwards I went to the historic building to run through tomorrow's program. The new pieces are technically very demanding and buggers to articulate. I'm feeling rather pleased with myself for learning all six of them within a week. I'm sure I'm not as daft as I look.
Afterwards I went to the historic building to run through tomorrow's program. The new pieces are technically very demanding and buggers to articulate. I'm feeling rather pleased with myself for learning all six of them within a week. I'm sure I'm not as daft as I look.
Tuesday, 16 June 2015
Just now
I went outside for a fag and enjoyed the warm sunshine. I wasn't relaxed though. My brain is going overtime. There's an undercurrent of excitement on the musical front, combined with the expectation that I will not succeed. I am very wary of counting my chickens. That is my paradox. I have a more than usually intelligent brain, but it always tries to work against me. I remember the physical self-harming tendencies which are so prevalent among autistic people. I don't do that. I do it psychologically.
Saturday, 6 June 2015
Frustrated
N.I.C.E. guidelines say that people should wait no longer than three months from referral to (autism) diagnosis. In some parts of the country this is true. I wish it were true here. I have waited eighteen months so far, and still haven't even been offered an appointment. I despair at being treated so shabbily by the system. There is no-one, no-one to help me. I wonder how many other poor people are in the same boat.
Thursday, 4 June 2015
Baffled, of Slough
Another online posting has made my blood boil. There will soon be an 'Autistic Pride' event, where people are to celebrate being autistic. Celebrate? Why? What is there to celebrate about it? People who are not autistic do not celebrate their non-autism, as far as I know. Why do people have to stand up wearing badges and waving banners? I don't want to be any more different from mankind in general, than I already am. I do not want to draw attention to myself. I'm certainly not brimming with pride about my autism, any more than I am ashamed of it. I am neither. I just want to live in an inclusive world where everybody is valued. I don't want to be a special case. The whole thing makes me want to spit.
Green fingers?
I've always enjoyed growing things, and love gardening. Also I want to have living things around me at home, so that the flat is not completely lifeless. Also I want to make the place as comfortable as possible while I am there. Lately I've been turning my tiny balcony into a garden. It started with a few pinks in troughs, but I've been gradually adding plants. Give it a month or two and it will look like Babylon. Luckily plants can be had quite cheaply where I live, as it's positively rural compared to London.
I'm thinking again about the alleged therapeutic qualities of pets to autistic people. I detest pets, and would much rather see wild animals in the wild. I think that plants have the same affect on me as pets do to many other autistic people.
I'm thinking again about the alleged therapeutic qualities of pets to autistic people. I detest pets, and would much rather see wild animals in the wild. I think that plants have the same affect on me as pets do to many other autistic people.
Wednesday, 3 June 2015
Earlier on
We had very few visitors at the historic house today (three plus two plus one, a total of six). I enjoyed playing too, particularly as the weather had improved so much on this morning. One lady liked my playing, so my time there wasn't wasted.
I went to the workhouse afterwards. It was just as horrible as I'd expected. The person talking was right-in-yer-face. She talked continuously for over an hour. It did my head in, and after a short while I didn't actually hear what she was saying. All I heard was her voice. I felt very agitated and tense. Then she called people out individually, and muggins was first. She didn't say why she called me (a big mistake; I didn't feel like co-operating), but it turned out that we had to introduce ourselves. I felt sick and upset afterwards, and my head started to pound.
During the break one of the workhouse staff saw me in the corridor, and told me I could leave. I didn't want telling twice.
The 'employer' of free labour is looking for happy, smiley, gregarious people to operate the rides and show people around. I'm definitely not the right person for that. The very idea of it fills me with dread. I wouldn't last five minutes.
I went to the workhouse afterwards. It was just as horrible as I'd expected. The person talking was right-in-yer-face. She talked continuously for over an hour. It did my head in, and after a short while I didn't actually hear what she was saying. All I heard was her voice. I felt very agitated and tense. Then she called people out individually, and muggins was first. She didn't say why she called me (a big mistake; I didn't feel like co-operating), but it turned out that we had to introduce ourselves. I felt sick and upset afterwards, and my head started to pound.
During the break one of the workhouse staff saw me in the corridor, and told me I could leave. I didn't want telling twice.
The 'employer' of free labour is looking for happy, smiley, gregarious people to operate the rides and show people around. I'm definitely not the right person for that. The very idea of it fills me with dread. I wouldn't last five minutes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)