Moods

I'm still up and down, although there is still some up which is a good sign. Thinking and thinking all the time. I don't want to be on tenterhooks all over the weekend, when I'll be busy playing. I think I might well pop down to see the diagnosis people today. The weather isn't very nice, and it's a fifteen-mile bus trip followed by a lengthy walk. I might come away none the wiser, but I think I'll give it a go. The best outcome is that I'll get a date for my appointment, or that I'll be told that a date will be forthcoming. Let's see.

Thinking

I still keep thinking about last night. I like the company I am thrown together with. It's all very friendly but comfortably so. I like being with people to whom I am not an oddity. I am taken seriously. The nice thing is that I don't have to worry about ulterior motives. I like a laugh and a joke, but I also like a little bit of intelligence now and then. And most of all I like it that I don't have to be on my guard. Ideal. Lovely. Wish I'd done it sooner.

People

Having been let down by someone last Sunday, I was let down again by the workman. Twice this week people have made appointments with me that they didn't keep, and that they didn't contact me about until well after the event. That's twice that people have told me that they will do something, and then not doing it.
What is the matter with people? For me an appointment is an agreement between people and a matter of trust. It's also a matter of mutual respect and consideration.
In my last job I had to manage people who behaved like this. They would agree to do something, not do it, and then say that they'd forgotten. That's what children do. I've come to the conclusion that people at large simply cannot be trusted.
By the way the workman has just contacted me and asked to come straight round. I've relented and told him to come round in half an hour. By the way too, I'm only three minutes away from home.

Thinking

I got the bus and am back in town now. On the way I did some more thinking about last Sunday. I wondered 'How do I feel about it?', and the truth is I don't really know whether I was angry, sad or frightened, or if it was a combination of all three. Of course I know the difference in meaning between the three emotions, but the more I think about it all three feel exactly the same to me, and that's why I think I get so confused. That's something I want to discuss with the counsellor, whenever my next appointment is.

How I think

I need to plan my life quite carefully, so that I have any hope of being able to cope with it. I find last-minute changes very unsettling. I worried a lot about the historic building being closed, but did quite well at getting my head round it.
What I can't cope with at all is when people say they will do something and then don't do it. 'I will let you in between 4.30 and 5', and then the person doesn't turn up at all. 'I forgot' is a feeble excuse. It's the sort of crap I used to get from the people I managed. 'I forgot' means to me 'I didn't think it important enough to bother remembering'. That's my livelihood that he forgot. Nor did he consider the potential damage to my reputation. He didn't consider the potential impact on my mental well-being either. He didn't think at all. Not good enough.
My mood has been terrible ever since. Last night I was frantic and agitated. I was panic-stricken and wanted something to lash out at. I came very near to losing the plot. This is one of those moods I know will keep playing in my mind for some time to come.
I will have the conversation on Wednesday. If I'm not satisfied I shan't play there anymore. Until then, business as usual.

The melodrama

I've heard from one lot of people. I'm no longer on that waiting list and my treatment will start in a fortnight. Meanwhile I've heard nothing further from the autism diagnosis people. I, therefore, remain on their waiting list. Yawn. I hope I hear from them before I get too old and frail to attend the appointment.

Why?

I took my time with the fags and coffee this morning. I couldn't make my mind up whether I wanted anything to eat so I went without.
My thoughts were all over the place. Then I started wondering why I publish things about autism and mental health on social media, as I am usually the last person to want to draw attention to myself. The train of thought was as follows; people look at me and know what they see. The truth is I don't necessarily know what they see, but at the same time they probably don't know what I see when I look out. I publish only the things that are relevant to my own experience, for example difficulties with employment, using telephones, sensory overload, waiting times for diagnosis, associated health issues, understanding others and so on. It's not that I expect everybody to read everything, although I hope that people might read some of it, but the writings give a professional account of the things I experience, in a way that I could not express for myself. The writings give voice to how my life has been.

The visit

Although I look forward to seeing my friends, and I do miss them, I'm feel under the most terrible stress. I'm stressed about the travelling (such things as will the coach come, will it be crowded, will I miss my connection), and stressed about how many people will be at the wedding. It must seem strange to those of you who don't know me, but this is how I feel. My arms and legs are tingling with it all, and I'm getting a headache over my left eye.