Noise

I don't want to go home until after my appointment, so I'm spinning it out at the library. The ambient noise is quite excruciating; running conversations just behind me and the hound of small children downstairs. I'm getting old now, but I remember a time when libraries were oases of peace and quiet. I've got the earplugs in now which has deadened it a bit, but I can still hear everything. Very distracting.

Just now

While I was outside having a nice fag in the cold, damp weather, I thought again of Munch's painting The Scream. It was the bands of colour that got me thinking. They are like the pulses of physical energy that so affect me when a sound is unpleasant; the pounding on the arms and chest, the scraping, the near-hysteria. And the colours are just as aggressive as the sensations.

In the meanwhile

I collected the keyboard and then set to work. After moving everything I could from my bedroom into the spare room, I hoovered and shampooed my bedroom carpet. I couldn't believe how much muck was sucked up by the machine.
Then on to the counseling session and it was a productive one. I told her about the man I see about work, about my horrific experience last weekend and about the one just gone, which was lovely. I told her about my recurrent dreams (travel, missing connections, menace etc) and told her I thought it symbolized autism driving me, and to places I don't want to be. The lady told me she too believes I am autistic, so I felt comfortable about discussing issues around that (eg being affected physically by sounds). I also discussed a little diary of thoughts that I'd recorded last Thursday week.
At last I am getting the support I've always needed. My nephew asked me last Saturday how I'd managed to cope all these years. I gave a bland answer, but in truth I don't feel I really did cope at all. I just used to hide what I felt, which isn't the same thing. I think that this time I am going to come through feeling very strong and able to manage life a bit better. I want my life to be my own.

Noise

I've just had a really difficult time of it. I left the library to get away from the noise. Outside McDonalds in the high street, a dog was tied up and barking uncontrollably. Animals like that want putting down. I could still hear it from some distance away. I got back to the library, and some teenagers who appeared to be on something were whizzing up and down the computer room on their computer chairs, and making as much noise as possible. They've left the room now, but my heart sank when I saw the fat gormless woman and the skinny gormless man come in. It won't be quiet for long, I can tell you. I have also heard the man with glazed expression and a laugh like a drain being unblocked come in. I don't half feel upset.