This morning

I got up aching, tired and feeling quite drowsy. I was deep in thought with the fags and coffee. I've got my interview at the workhouse today. The man made it quite clear last time that he was put out that I'd asked a mental health professional to help me into work. He also said some things last time that have made me feel uncomfortable ever since. He said that I want diagnosis just to get a label and to get things for free. I can't forget what he said about my good degree: "I have a friend who has a masters but he's an alcoholic. The bit of paper doesn't necessarily say anything". By the way this is the same man who, when I told him I find it difficult working with people, suggested potato packer, warehouse operative and fairground ride operator as suitable occupations.
I'm feeling a bit apprehensive about the forthcoming interview, and a bit browbeaten. Public services could do with being a bit more informed about mental health issues.

A change of mind

The ASD diagnosis has been a life-changing event for me. Last week there were more downs than ups, but that is to be expected. I have had a lot to think about. I now realise that I used to be very hard on myself, and I suppose that is why I have felt depressed for all of my life. In my own mind I was a complete failure and an idiot, for not managing so well in life, and for not making a success of myself. Then, of course, I didn't know I might be autistic until a couple of years ago. Earlier on it was just a case of depression. Depression, in my mind, was the same as failure, weakness and idiocy. When I suspected autism, a new set of worries superceded the old. Was I imagining everything? Was I only trying to find excuses to blame my own inadequacy on? Was I mad? Was I just completely useless?
The diagnosis has helped me to see things I hadn't previously noticed. I now understand that the things that have made my life such a struggle are to do with my neurology, and that I am not making excuses for myself. I now know that I am not a failure. Of course my life is not where I would like it to be, but I must have coped fantastically well to have made it this far. I know too that I am not weak or feeble-minded. I have really had to be very strong to stick it out in the most atrocious jobs, and coping all the time with how I felt. I feel much more comfortable with myself than I ever have done. I am finally meeting myself for the first time. Myself, rather than the self that tried so hard to fit in with what society expected. For the first time in my life I am starting to gain in confidence.

Social media

Most of the stuff I see on social media is trite. Absolute drivel. I post daft stuff like that too. I like a giggle, but I'm naturally a serious sort of person. Lately I've been using my page to actively promote awareness of mental health issues, and to highlight any shortcomings in the levels of service being provided to users. I wonder how many 'friends' will drop off. What I do know is that any real friends will be just as concerned about these issues as I am.