How does aspergers feel?

In my blogs I have talked honestly about how I am, and have tried to describe the feelings as accurately as possible. I woke up this morning feeling completely shattered, and my brain is being more than usually active. It is as if I am caught in a vortex of everything I've ever thought, said, experienced, heard, seen, and everything else. I am quite fine in myself, but this is in truth how I feel inside. I haven't suddenly caught some terrible 'illness' (aspergers), but the realisation that I have the condition has offered me many explanations for the way I've always felt.
This morning I thought I'd try and find some images to show you what I mean. I will talk about them very briefly, because they speak for themselves.
The picture at the top indicates different mental activities all happening simultaneously. There is a sense of both enlightenment and bewilderment.
In the middle picture, the colours indicate an even wider range of activities, all at the same time. To me it suggests constant activity both day and night, with colours endlessly flashing on and off.
The acronym at the bottom is self-explanatory. I don't think I talk endlessly now (at least I hope not), but I certainly did when I was younger. My mum used to be annoyed with my talking to the point of anger.
I'll finish my second mug of coffee now, and have another fag.

A nice song

My friend's visit went very well yesterday. We went to see an exhibition at the art gallery and went out for a really nice meal at the local carvery. We talked a lot, since we haven't seen each other for quite a while.

When my friend left, I took myself down the pub. I don't know if I told you this, but my keyboard currently lives there; I seem to play much more frequently now and I'm getting fed up with carrying it backwards and forwards. Now then, there were only two people at the pub when I arrived, so I had a little play-through to myself. In the meanwhile the pub filled up, and people started to join in with the songs. We handed out some song sheets, and there was loud singing and lots of laughs until 11pm. What a lovely way to spend a Saturday evening. I do enjoy playing those old-time pub songs, and it is evident that the people in the pub greatly enjoyed singing them. Until quite recently communal singing was very much a part of pub life at weekends. Nowadays that tradition is practically dead. What a shame.

My friends round the corner didn't come down yesterday, and I missed them. They are coming to me for dinner later on, which I'm really looking forward to.

I went to bed at 2am and woke up around 7.30am. I don't remember waking up during the night, but I do feel tired today.My mind is overactive, as usual; I hope another fag or two will help me settle down.

This morning is beautifully sunny. What a nice change from the weather we've been having of late. The seagulls have been particularly noisy today.

A visit

The weather hasn't been brilliant lately. First of all came the tidal surge, apparently worse than 1953. Luckily we weren't flooded. Then came the gales and the rain. Sometimes gales, sometimes rain, sometimes both together, with the occasional bright spell in between. It rained a fair bit yesterday, stopped, then started last night. It is still raining, and the sky is rather like the one in the picture. I don't like all the darkness. It's miserable. Horrible.
I spent yesterday evening at the pub. I saw all the odd bunch, and had a few games of scrabble as well as a lot of laughs.
I slept quite badly last night. It took me a long time to settle down and I kept waking up. I now realise that I've always slept badly. It's only since writing my blog that I've actually kept a record of how I sleep. I'm in the middle of the coffee and fags routine and need to pull myself together fairly sharpish. My friend from London is coming down for the day. What with my general state of tiredness, and what with getting used to the antidepressants, it takes me a long time to come round in the morning. The flat is very untidy and there is a mountain of washing-up to do before she gets here.
Since I started writing, the sky has brightened up slightly. I hope it continues to do so.
My friend and his partner are coming round for dinner tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to that. We're having the christmas dinner that we were going to have last Saturday, until he fell ill. I haven't been able to get another pudden because the supermarket has sold out. Never mind, I'll make something instead.
I am astonished at the number of hits that my blog has received. I am a very ordinary person with quite an ordinary sort of existence, who is struggling to make sense of the world and of his life. Thank you, readers, for taking the time and trouble to read what I write.

Rhododendrons and azaleas

The rhododendrons and azaleas in Greenwich Park, London, are spectacularly beautiful. I have already told you a few things about the special lady that I became very close to, who is tragically no longer with us. Well some years ago she and I used to go out and about on London buses. She was in her wheelchair and I was her minder. Greenwich Park became a special place for the two of us. The first time we went, all the rhododendrons and azaleas were in bloom. My friend's mouth dropped open and she was speechless. This was a rare occurrence (sorry, old girl) so I take it the scene had made an impact on her. She did nothing but talk about it for a month or so afterwards. I took the above photo last year, and it represents very happy memories for me. I only wish that we could go there again, just once more.
Now for boring old me. I went to bed at 1.30 am and slept extremely badly. My dreams were lucid and grotesque. I spent much of the night awake being bombarded with memories of the dreams, before finally getting up totally shattered at 10am. My mood is odd today. I'm flooded with a whole gamut of emotions, both good and bad. I'm halfway through my second mug of coffee and am about to have another fag. It is probably tiredness which is the main issue for me today. I'm aching with it and feel like I've just stepped off a long-haul flight. Never mind, I'll ride it out.
The landlord and landlady of the pub I go to came and spoke to me yesterday. They told me how much they and their customers had enjoyed my playing over the holiday period. They have asked me back to play on 22nd January and 1st February. Lovely. They really are such good and kind people. Every Saturday from Saturday week I will be playing harpsichord music at the local historic building. This is the music I studied and I thoroughly enjoy playing it. Since I started writing my blog I've thought long and hard to try and make sense of my life. I now know why I so enjoy playing the harpsichord. It is aspergers music. One plays it in a very controlled manner without expressing any real emotions. It is full of patterns and formulas, tables of ornaments, textures and a whole catalogue of expressive techniques. Yes, the music is very expressive  indeed, but I try to represent the intentions of the composer as authentically as possible, without any kind of romantic involvement. I am totally focused on the music, but maintain a certain detachment from it.
Dear old Greenwich.

A footnote

Although I try to remain positive, the truth is I'm feeling very edgy and my mood is a bit low. So much has happened in my life lately. It is all for the better, but is unsettling nonetheless. I'm aware that being in close confinement with a very annoying alcoholic the other day didn't do a great deal for my peace of mind. I'm also aware of the intense embarrassment and the feeling of being stupid that I've been carrying since yesterday.

It is really very tiring when one's brain bombards itself with so many thoughts, ideas, moods, conversations, memories, faces, and everything else. Reader, there is no cause for alarm. I'm just trying to describe how the condition affects me. Your brain feels like it's in a loop from the time you wake up till the time you go to bed. When you're asleep bits of things throw themselves at you in the form of dreams.

I'm not very good at the self-esteem stuff, so it's hard to give an image of confidence to others. I don't like having people round me all day, yet I don't really like my own company. This paradoxical lifestyle is shared by many people with aspergers.

I'm determined to remain focused and to look ahead, but the constant mental activity does wear you out sometimes. It seems quite strange to me that I've always been the way I am, but never thought anything of it. Until now I had taken it all to be part of depression, to be ignored and ridden out. I've always been deeply ashamed of the depression. The feeling is that one is completely "lacking in moral fibre", can't cope as well as "normal" people with everyday things, makes impaired judgements and is a failure. I don't feel these things quite so keenly as I used to, but the feelings are still there.

However even at my fairly advanced age, I am hell-bent on making something of my life. I know inside that I can do it. I just need a bit of help with the "how", and am looking forward to my ASD referral at such time as they are able to see me.

A slight misunderstanding

I am prone to misunderstanding things. Of course I understand what is being said, but misinterpret what has been said. It happened twice yesterday at the pub. One instance happened near closing time when there were just four of us left, the others being my friend and his partner and the landlord. The wind had been gusting ferociously since mid-afternoon, and we were talking about the weather. That was fine, since what was happening with the weather was patently obvious. The landlord then said something which completely floored me; he mentioned that he'd once done a new year's dip, which he would never do again because he'd found it exhausting. I'd misunderstood this to be some sort of raffle, and asked him what was so tiring about it. The other three burst out laughing, because they had all correctly understood it to be a local swimming event. I felt quite stupid and embarrassed.

I have been thinking about this since I woke up this morning, and remembered the Hogarth print of a theatre audience laughing at a performance. On the face of it the people are thoroughly enjoying a good performance. For me there is also the possibility that the performance is so bad that the people are laughing scornfully. This is my dilemma in life, I am never quite sure.

My local friends have rescued me from situations where I thought the person I was talking to was having a joke. I had misunderstood; the person was being nasty, and on one occasion aggressive.

I find it hard to speak to more than one person at a time. For example when a group of people are talking round a dinner-table, I tend to focus on one person so that I've got some sort of foothold in the discussion. The problem there is that can easily lose track and be fifteen conversations behind everyone else. Another problem is that I don't always get whether someone has finished speaking, and can find myself talking at the same time as someone else.

I enjoy reading, but usually textbooks and other material of an academic nature. I can't get the hang of fiction. Of course I understand what I am reading but have no capacity to remember the plot or characters. I haven't watched the tv since august. I am not interested in practically everything that is broadcast.

One good thing about my new life is that I have become close friends with someone who also has aspergers. Of course it's absolutely horrible that he has it, but we are both in the same predicament. We understand each other and can talk about, or laugh about, the issues we face. We are able to support each other without actually doing anything, except for being ourselves, and for being there. I am so lucky.

Happy new year

Happy new year. The photo shows another recent sunrise, and was taken from my living-room window. For me the picture is full of optimism, which is why I have chosen it.
2013 was a year of great change. I was made redundant from a job that I was in for nearly twelve years, and which I hated for nearly twelve years. This allowed me to move from a flat that I had lived in for thirteen years, and had hated for thirteen years. I have always hated London, so took the opportunity to move to a town I really like being in. In London I only had two friends living fairly locally, and no social life of any description. In my new life I have a circle of good friends living locally, and an active social life. In London I got my degree, and a degree-level diploma in music, but never played. Where I live now I play regularly, both on the harpsichord and the piano.
I have only two regrets. Firstly I got a place on a postgraduate musicology degree course, but have not been able to arrange funding. I hope that I will be able to take my place this year. Secondly I have not yet found a job. Again, I intend to sort this out urgently.
I spent much of yesterday at the pub. (No, readers, I did not start partaking of the refreshments until 9pm). During the day I met a good many of the local people I am closest to. Lovely. All the odd bunch were there at the same time. Lovely. I was with my friend who has aspergers at the stroke of midnight. Lovely. It was a fantastic new year's party. People didn't want to sing much so I played anyway. There was a happy atmosphere and people said they had enjoyed my playing. There was a spectacular fireworks display at midnight. Some people took photographs, which I'm looking forward to seeing. I didn't go outside because I'm freaked out by the noise that fireworks make.
I went to bed at 3.40am and got up at 8.30am, having been awake for some time, thinking and thinking, and with my foot tapping. I am very tired but I had such a good time yesterday.
My hope for myself in 2014 is that the psychiatric profession will be able to show me the means to cope better with the things I find most difficult and challenging.