The rest of today

I'm just going to meet someone I know at one of the 'pride' venues. I'm feeling stupidly tired so I don't want to stay long. I'll need to get to the shops, but after that I'm going to do nothing.

Just now

The playing was not a resounding success although I got a couple of nice comments in the visitors book. Monday 31st is a bank holiday, so I'll play then too.

Now

It's just about time to pick my poor aching bones orf the chair and buck my ideas up. I'll make my way to the old house via the cashpoint, the pound shop and the supermarket. The fresh air might wake me up, with a bit of luck.

A flashback

When I was tidying up the other day I found my ID card from when I was at uni. I certainly look and feel much more weather-beaten now than I did then. In fact I'd forgotten that I used to look younger. The card brought back all sorts of good memories of intellectual fulfillment and of happy times. I was taken seriously for the first time in my life, by both the lecturers and the other students. I think I must have been a bit of a handful. Well why not? I had to wait until I was nearly middle-aged to have my teenage years.

Attire

The clothes I bought yesterday look a million dollars, although they cost me considerably less than that. The pink cotton/linen jacket I'd intended to wear is just a little tight around the tum, but I can soon do something about that. I'm wearing the corduroy jacket instead, and I'm wearing cufflinks. I seem to be getting posher by the minute.

The weather

The weather stayed lovely all day, but last night seemed fairly chilly. It's a mixed bag this morning, with sunshine and grey clouds. Let's hope everything goes well today. Bearing in mind the things I have read, I am worried that there might be trouble at the event.

Today

I'm harpsichording very soon, and naturally hope it will be a success. I don't think this 'Pride' thing starts until tonight, so I'll try and have a sleep this afternoon. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open as it is.

Sleep

I woke up and had a short sprint at some unspecified time during the night, slept again, and woke up with a start at half past four. My brain was going nineteen to the dozen. I lay there until six, when I got up for coffee and fags. I felt pretty dreadful, rather like the feeling I have before a fit, but it went on for longer without coming to anything. I went back to bed at seven to try and sleep, but lay there for an hour before getting up. I'm still not myself, but don't feel nearly as bad as earlier on.

Last night

I had the meal that I'd been looking forward to, and then watched a couple of Hitchcock films; Rope and Saboteur. The first was much better than the second. In fact I don't really enjoy most of Hitchcock's American films. I think the ones he made before moving there are much more stylish. Bed at half past nine.

The rest of today

I'm going home shortly, but not before I've been to the supermarket. I'm planning a lavish dinner of bangers and mash for tonight. I might watch something afterwards, but my mind isn't really on films at the moment. I need to build myself up for tomorrow.
This afternoon I've had some very welcome support from a completely unexpected source. It does go some way to restoring one's faith in humanity.

On reflection

The library is unusually quiet this afternoon, apart from a poor man who seems to be struggling terribly with voices in his head. I can't even begin to imagine what life must be like for him. I'm getting to the point though where I'm beginning to wonder what barminess really is, and whether the whole world is in fact completely barmy.

After the library

I took myself to a charity. There was nothing doing, so I went to the butchers for a hot sausage roll and an apple and custard turnover. Oh the joys of English cuisine! I thoroughly enjoyed them both.
Afterwards I went to another charity shop. A bit of retail therapy was what I needed. I was recklessly extravagant and bought a burgundy-coloured corduroy jacket and a thinner pink one for the summer. I really shouldn't have spent so much and reeled a bit when I left the shop, but I'm pleased with both garments.
Tomorrow I'm going to wear the pink jacket with a pink shirt, dark red jeans and a similar-coloured tie for the gay pride thing. I know it's appallingly cliché, and I know I'll feel odd wearing all that pink. In for a penny, in for a pound (or is it 'you might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb?').

Now

The weather looks lovely. I can't be bothered to go on a bus ride. I'm too preoccupied for all that, and I think the people will get on my nerves. I think I'll just go for a walk round the corner instead. It'll be a good excuse for a smoke (as if I need one!).

News

It has been announced, after much reluctance, that nearly two thousand people on sickness benefits died within six months of being declared fit to work. I hope that whoever voted for this government is well and truly pleased with himself or herself. Greed comes at a cost to others. This is shameful news, particularly in a country as rich as ours.

Just now

I went out to enjoy a smoke and the lovely weather. Still thinking hard. Disgruntled thoughts. I'm worried about tomorrow, but you try stopping me going. I think I'm going to hop on a bus shortly, just for a change of scene.

Disappointed

I'm going to a gay pride event tomorrow. For me that doesn't sit easy. In the first place I'm not gay. I'm attracted to blokes and that's not the same thing. I don't feel comfortable with groups of people, whoever they are. I also don't feel happy about making a ghetto for myself. I like good people whoever they are. In the second place I am neither proud nor ashamed of my sexuality. It is something I have absolutely no control over.
Lately I've seen a couple of things that have pushed me into a corner and put me on the defensive. I've read things varying from a dainty little admonition of an 'abhorrent' lifestyle at the one extreme, to outright rabid hatred on the other. To me there is very little difference between the two. The latter is a logical outcome of the former.
It is because of this that I'm attending tomorrow's event. It will be the first one that I've ever attended. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm terrified of the crowds, and the very thought of them upsets me. Someone I know is expecting to see me there, and that will be a great help. After what I went through in my younger days, I'm very disappointed that I still need to make an issue of my sexuality. But all the time such shitty ideas are bandied about, I will support any such events by being present. Yes, of course we have free speech in this country, and rightly so. Of course that also gives me the right to call such views by their right name. The whole thing makes me feel miserable.

The weather

Yesterday stayed grotty until it the grey clouds started to clear about half an hour before nightfall. Today I woke up to brightness, blue skies and warmth. I'm still feeling the effects of last night's wine, but the brightness has lifted my spirits.

Last night

It was an average night. I woke up around 4am and slept very lightly after that. I got up at seven feeling as if I'd been deep in thought all night.

An eye for detail

Last night I went the whole hog and cooked an Indian meal. I enjoyed what I had and had another helping later on. I splashed out on a bottle of cheapo wine and that did the trick too.
After dinner I watched Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde (1941). It was hilarious! The cockneys had variously Swedish accents (Ingrid Bergman), American accents (Spencer Tracy and Lana Turner), or indescribable accents (everybody else). I didn't take too much notice of it, but had the odd giggle here and there. I don't remember what time I went to bed.

The rest of today

I've decided to make a curry, seeing as I've been to the Indian shop. I don't think I'll go there anymore, as I'm sure he's overcharging me. I'll get some meat from the supermarket on the way home. I expect I'll watch a film after dinner. Ain't I exciting.

In the meanwhile

When I left the library I posted the important letters and visited the two shops as planned. My shopping bag feels very pleased with itself. Afterwards I went for the lunchtime appointment. It didn't go so well today. It was ok though. Of course I fully realize how moods can affect one's ability to engage.

The melodrama

I've heard from one lot of people. I'm no longer on that waiting list and my treatment will start in a fortnight. Meanwhile I've heard nothing further from the autism diagnosis people. I, therefore, remain on their waiting list. Yawn. I hope I hear from them before I get too old and frail to attend the appointment.

Today

I finally got round to writing two letters. This time it only took me just over a week. It's apparently not unusual for people like myself to take a while to get round to things, having thought about them more or less continuously for ages.
I'm looking forward to my usual appointment this lunchtime. Apart from that I don't have anything else planned for today. I'd like to call in at the Indian shop and the foreign supermarket later on.

Just now

I went outside for a fag and wasn't at all surprised that it had started raining. Me and my big mouth. Then I started thinking. I don't argue very well, full stop. One thing is politics. I have very strong views about it, but can't argue the case. I know the difference between right and wrong, and in the end that's all it boils down to. My sense of right and wrong might differ in small details from other people's, but so what? Who cares? When I know something to be right I will stick to it.

The weather

Yes, I got wet yet again when I left the library yesterday afternoon. It didn't rain for much longer though, but the dark grey clouds persisted until nightfall, apart for the half an hour when the sun shone. Today has started horribly dull, although not so dark as yesterday, and it's not raining yet, but I heard it raining during the night.

This morning

I got up with a headache and feeling generally groggy. After the fags and coffee I had a cooked breakfast. Although I was still full up from last night's dinner, something told me I ought to eat hearty. Afterwards I came straight to the library.

Sleep

I had a very bumpy night, sleeping lightly and being awake at twenty past three. I heard sirens just as I was about to fall asleep again and they woke me up. I don't understand why they sound sirens at that time of night, as there is never any traffic around. I dozed off for a bit before waking up at six.

The rest of yesterday

I went round to my friends at around half past five. I had a lovely time and a lovely meal. There was a lot of food and I ate it all. I plodded home for half past nine and went straight to bed.

At the weekend

I'm going to a 'gay' event this weekend. It will be the very first one that I've ever attended. I'm not looking forward to the crowds. I hate crowds and am quite worried about it. However I know that some nasty things are being said about 'gay' people, and I'm going there just to show my support. It's very disappointing to realise that such prejudice still exists in this day and age. I will continue to show my support all the time those idiots continue to peddle their bigotry.

Guess what?

It was raining when I left the library earlier, and I was soaking wet by the time I arrived at the old building. It was raining after I'd finished playing, and I was soaking wet by the time I arrived back at the library. Do you know what? Yes. It's still fucking raining. We've had so much rain lately that it really is getting on my nerves.

A musical interlude

I played for three hours without stopping. I can assure you that my head and my eyes feel very tired, as do any parts of my person in any way connected with playing. I had a fantastic day though. There were lots of people who really appreciated what I played, and I had people sat in the room for much of the time. I wish it could be like that every day.

Long overdue

Yesterday evening I was determined to try and find my missing dvds. I looked everywhere but couldn't find them. I can only assume that they were either left behind when I moved, or that they were thrown out by mistake. One good thing came out of it though; I unpacked two large boxes that were sitting in my spare room. My bookshelves look over-full, but at least I now know where things are.

Again

I've done it again. Why do I allow people to dump on me and keep sponging off me? Fucking idiot. Actually I know why it is, and there are people who can see it too. I really want to say no but always fall for it. Cunts.

Today

I'll need to move the keyboard shortly, so I'm ready to start playing when the old building opens. We've been busy lately, and I hope today will bring lots of music-lovers our way.
I'm looking forward to this evening, when I'm seeing people that I'm close to, and staying for dinner. The trouble is I don't really have much to talk about. I hope they won't mind.

Sleep

I had another bumpy night, and was wide awake around 4am. Just a minute, I always seem to be wide awake around 4am. I wonder if something happens at that time and wakes me up. I got up at six.

Just now

I went out for a fag and guess what? Yep, it's raining again. I'm sick and tired of the fucking rain. I think I might as well go the whole hog and live in the sea. After all I wouldn't get any wetter.

The weather

I got soaked again on the way home from the library. It rained and rained until quite late, at which point it turned very windy. I heard it rain during the night and I woke up to a grey sky with dark clouds blowing in. It's cold, dark and breezy this morning.

Last night

When I got home I played through the new pieces by Byrd. After a boring meal I watched Staying On (1980) and Orders Are Orders (1954). I enjoyed the first film, but had to keep on stopping the second because of the stomping around upstairs. I turned in just after nine.

The rest of today

I've already done what I need to do, so I'll go home and do some practice for tomorrow (for a change). After dinner I'll probably watch something. I am missing quite a few of my favourite dvds. Either they are among some of the things I still haven't unpacked, or else I left them behind when I moved. I do hope I find them. I'll have a look this afternoon.

Now

When I went to the librarian's desk to book some more time on the computer, I could see that it was pissing down with rain again. The weather has been quite miserable this summer. I hope we have a nice winter.
Meanwhile chav alert. All sweat and perfume.

News

With great sadness I have just read about the astonishing number of executions that have been carried out in a certain middle-eastern country. It is more than likely that many of the confessions that led to conviction may have been obtained under torture. The legal system of that country does not comply with what is accepted by the civilised world as being fair and impartial. Foreign nationals and the mentally ill were disproportionately punished.
It is a fact that so many horrible regimes in our shared history have resulted, when religion holds the reigns of both government and the judiciary. It dictates. It punishes dissent. It kills those who differ from it. It silences reason. It imposes its will. Horrible, horrible, horrible. It belongs behind locked doors.

A moment ago

I went out for a fag and noticed that the weather had improved again. We've had such odd weather this summer. It's hard to tell what it's going to do next. I started thinking about what I'm going tro play tomorrow. I've read through a new pavan and two galliards by Byrd. I'll play them through when I get home. I'd really like to be able to play them tomorrow.

Just now

It was time for a fag. I noticed that the weather looks like it's going downhill. I started thinking about my day. It's going to be an unusually quiet one. All I have to do is call in at the chemists. Then I started thinking about my week. I'm playing as usual tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday. I've got my Thursday lunchtime appointment. I've been invited to dinner tomorrow and I'm looking forward to that. Apart from that I don't have any plans.

Why?

I took my time with the fags and coffee this morning. I couldn't make my mind up whether I wanted anything to eat so I went without.
My thoughts were all over the place. Then I started wondering why I publish things about autism and mental health on social media, as I am usually the last person to want to draw attention to myself. The train of thought was as follows; people look at me and know what they see. The truth is I don't necessarily know what they see, but at the same time they probably don't know what I see when I look out. I publish only the things that are relevant to my own experience, for example difficulties with employment, using telephones, sensory overload, waiting times for diagnosis, associated health issues, understanding others and so on. It's not that I expect everybody to read everything, although I hope that people might read some of it, but the writings give a professional account of the things I experience, in a way that I could not express for myself. The writings give voice to how my life has been.

Sleep

I slept very light last night, and feel like I've been thinking all night. I was wide awake around four o'clock, but woke up for the last time at six.

The weather

It carried on pissing down with rain until well into the evening. When I went to bed I noticed that it had become quite windy. This morning we've got bright sunshine. The sun feels warm enough but there's a cool breeze.

The rest of yesterday

I left the library again for the last time. When I got home I realized I'd left my memory stick behind, so had to go back for a third time. It started raining again and I was completely soaked through by the time I got home. I was really cross with myself for being so careless.
After dinner I watched the remainder of Cranford before turning in at eleven.

After the library

A letter from the council was waiting for me when I got home with my keyboard. All very silly and niggling, so I came back to the council offices. After queuing for a quarter of an hour I think I got it sorted out. It's all sent to try us.

The rest of today

I'll go and move my keyboard shortly, after I've been to the supermarket. I'll cook something for tonight and tomorrow, and do my laundry. After that it'll be a quiet night in with or without a film.

Recently

I went out for a fag and noticed that it's getting much brighter, although it's not at all warm. My mind started wandering, and I thought about the piece of beef that I'm salting for the weekend. Then I started thinking about William Byrd, and learning some more of his pieces. I've just found some that I've never seen before, so that's a result. When I got back to the computer room, I saw a very fat man looking at pictures of food on his computer screen. What a thought.

News

One of the autism charities has just taken up the cause of waiting times for diagnosis. Of course I've signed the petition and so has one of my cousins. It was a nice change to see something inclusive of all autists, rather than just about women or just about children. We are all served very badly in this country.

A moment ago

I left the library to go and buy some electricity. The rain had stopped by the time I set out, but I got caught in a sudden cloudburst. By the time I got back I was soaked through and dripping wet. While I was out I called in at a charity shop and found a really nice dress shirt for a quid. That'll do nicely for when I play.

Again

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPWtDvGBVh4


Victorian values have been embraced by the governing class, just as they were in the 1980s. There is a complaisant smugness about it all, and a parsimonious sense of self-righteousness. Of course what they really represent is the moneyed class and the establishment, having conned the electorate into believing otherwise. When will people ever learn?

Yesterday evening

I turned up a bit early at the pub, as usual, to have something to give me the courage to play. It was warm so I sat outside. At the next table there was a group of people discussing politics. In a way it was quite funny, in that they were quoting some very unsound history. Then of course nearly every sentence began  'I think that....'.  Apart from being terribly boring it all became a bit of a drone, and was always very loud. Why do people who are discussing politics have to blather on so loudly? It's very intrusive, and reminds me of politics in a part of London where I once used to live.

In general

I'm always having people stopping me and asking for a fag. I've been giving so many away when I really want to say no. I must have a certain look about me that invites people to ask for things. I'm getting better lately and have started saying no. I always feel really uncomfortable about it though. I do have a problem with people asking for fags. When I had nowhere to live and was broke, I never ever asked anyone for a smoke. In fact I didn't ask for anything. I just went without.

Today

I've got a quiet day ahead of me. All I have to do is to collect my keyboard from the pub this afternoon. My arms are groaning at the thought of it, but I know it's part of the deal, and that it won't be for ever.

The weather

It's been an odd weekend, with hot summer weather alternating with grey skies and rain. It's raining now and the sky is appallingly dark. I can't see that changing in the foreseeable future.

This morning

I got up feeling a bit woozy from last night. I took the coffee and fags very slowly, and had some toast for a change. I started thinking about Debussy's La Cathedrale Engloutie, which I studied at uni. Debussy isn't my favourite, but the piece is interesting in that it produces the strangest sounds from harmonics that aren't apparent from the score. I've printed out the score so that I can re-learn it.

Sleep

I slept straight through from 9pm Saturday night to after 7am Sunday morning. I think I must have been tired. I didn't sleep so well last night, from eleven until about four. The seagulls were making a terrible racket, and it seemed to go on for ever. I didn't sleep much after that, and got up at about six.

Sunday

I had another good session at the old building. I went to the supermarket once I'd finished playing, and felt very tired when I got home. I tried to have a nap but couldn't sleep. After the two regulation hamburgers I turned up at the pub.
People were sat outside because of the weather, so the place itself was quite empty. That was fine. I played for an hour or so, at which point a couple of daytrippers came in. They asked me to play some of their favourites but didn't sing. Later on I finished with some of the usual classical stuff.
I drank a bit last night, and I think that getting pissed got me through. Some people who were musicians came in and asked me to join them. That was hard work but they were nice people. He was a jazz pianist, and a good one too. He played some stuff on my keyboard. She was a classical singer, and sang me a lovely song by Purcell. I went home at eleven, and straight to bed.

The rest of Saturday

All was quiet when I got home from the library. It wasn't to last though. The head case upstairs had another one of his out-of-control screaming tantrums, with heavy objects being slammed onto the floor. I find it all quite terrifying. Luckily it didn't go on for very long, but it took me a while to feel comfortable.
Later on I had a really lovely dinner and a nice bottle of wine. Afterwards I started watching a tv adaptation of Cranford but got bored after a while, so I sat at the balcony. Bed at nine.

Earlier on

I nearly forgot something, which just shows how important it isn't. Guess what? I think I saw one of the cunts in the old building when I was playing. Very vomit-making, but otherwise I couldn't give a stuff.

Last night

When I got home from the pub and opened my window, I could hear the most hideous moaning and wailing. I wish the annoying bitch would keep her windows shut when she indulges in unneccesariness.

Tonight

I'm going to have a quiet evening at home, and perhaps dig out a couple of films. I'm looking forward to dinner and think I'm going to enjoy it. I'm also going to enjoy the wine I was given as a present.

Just now

The harpsichording went reasonably well, in fact much better than last Saturday. After I'd finished I got a few bits from the supermarket; I'm having steak for dinner so I've got the things I like with it. Now I'm back at the library, but not for too much longer. The weather is fantastic now, very warm and sunny.

On reflection

Last night has done me a power of good. I don't go out at all nowadays. That's partly to do with the cost, but mostly about my issues with people. I don't feel comfortable going out on my own, mainly because I need know I'll feel safe with whoever is going to be there. I don't want to be spoken to by anyone I don't already know. I don't want small talk. I don't want to talk about myself. I certainly don't want to hear crap. I don't want any more mistakes. However now and again I need to be somewhere that's not home, and last night was exactly what was needed.

A musical interlude

I'm looking forward to this weekend's harpsichording. Fingers crossed it will be a good one. I'm also looking forward to the pub tomorrow night, as I know the usual barman is going to be on duty. That's something I won't have to worry about.

The weather

Yesterday evening was warm enough to sit outside wearing a short-sleeved shirt. It stayed warm overnight, and today is glorious. A proper summer's day, in fact.

Sleep

When I got home I had the cider that I'd brought back from the pub. I was in bed before eleven, and only remember waking up once when I needed to go for a short walk. I woke up at seven with the alarm.

The rest of yesterday

I went home from the library, did a bit of washing-up, then played a few computerized card games. Afterwards I had a nice glass of cider while I waited for my friend to arrive.
First of all we had a chip supper, and ate it sitting by the sea. Afterwards we went to the pub where I play. I bumped into quite a few people that I'm happy to see. I also bumped into a couple of weirdos that get on my nerves, that I know from elsewhere.
I had the time of my life, and the best night I've had on my own patch for a very long time.

This evening

I'm looking forward to this evening. I know it will be great fun, because I'll be with someone I feel completely comfortable with. I know there won't be any fuss, which is just how I like it. A little dicky-bird tells me that liquid refreshment and a visit to the fish and chippery might well be on the cards. Yay!

Again

Mr bible basher is back in the library. This time he's pestering the youngster who has learning difficulties. The latter has just walked away looking very upset. I hope this cunt gets banned from the library. He's getting to be a right fucking nuisance.

Early this afternoon

I was starting to flag so I took myself home for a coffee. I know I shouldn't have too much coffee because it can affect my heart tablets. I normally have two mugs in the morning when I wake up, and that's it, but I needed something to wake me up.
I had a couple of card games on the computer with my coffee, and could feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier. I went for a lie down on the sofa. Just as I was starting to nod off the phone rang. Well that was that. I was wide awake again. I'm not complaining though, as it was kind of my friend to call. It has more to do with living alone. There is no-one to help with things like answering the phone. The wretched thing always gives me a start.
I have brought myself back to the library, as I don't really want to be at home during the day.

News

I read that the Earth has apparently had the hottest July on record. We certainly didn't have that where I live. I wonder what happened.

In a tick

Methinks it's time for another fag and a stroll. I think I may have a little wander down the high street, and probably come back to the library afterwards.

Modern technology

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZLqR-guLOk

This is the voice of Florence Nightingale, recorded in the 1890s. Recording technology was then in its infancy. What is modern now is this recording's availability to anyone in the world who has a computer. It's truly astonishing to think we are able to hear the voice of a person who was born in 1820.

Lately

There is a young lad who has obvious learning difficulties, that I see in the library every day. He's been coming over to me daily for about the past week, saying he's having problems with his facebook account. I have explained several times that I'm not much use with that sort of stuff, but I did try and help the first time he asked me. If I were able to help, then of course I'd be happy to. When he asked me again this morning I told the librarian, who couldn't sort it out either. Then the lad came back to me afterwards to say it hadn't been fixed. I know it's not his fault. The poor sod can't help it, but I just don't know what to do.

A moment ago

I needed some air (and a fag, of course) so I took a slow stroll home. It's getting very warm now, and there is a nice cool breeze. I picked up the paperwork I needed and got some stuff sorted out at the council offices. That's a job done.

Today

I'm having a nicer sort of day today. Earlier on I heard from someone I regard as my sister, who is retired now and lives thousands of miles away. It was lovely to hear her sounding so much happier. Then later on today I'm meeting up with my friend from uni. That always cheers me up.

The weather

After a particularly dreary Thursday, I was surprised to wake up to a beautiful summer's day. It's warm now, and I expect it will feel quite hot later on.

Sleep

At ten past twelve I was woken up by some very loud music and some even louder hilarity outside. I didn't mind, but it did take me ages to get back to sleep. At about four o'clock I woke up from a strange dream, which involved the town where I live now, the firm of accountants I once worked for, a sponsored walk, and somewhere I don't know. Again it took me a long while to fall asleep. I woke up just after six this morning.

Lateral thinking

After the film I started remembering a television soap from when I was a teenager called Upstairs Downstairs. It was all about a posh house from about 1890 to the years just after the First World War. I did used to enjoy this, although I often hadn't a clue what the story was about. I thought about one of my favourite episodes, where Mrs Bellamy goes down on the Titanic.
Then I remembered a hilarious Stanley Baxter sketch, where the three remaining old-timers in the soap were checking their scripts to see when they would be written out of the story, and being outraged about the horrible endings that were in store for them. (Towards the end of the series, most of the original cast had been written out of the programme).

Last night

After dinner I watched A Night To Remember (1958), which is based on Walter Lord's book of the same name (1955). It's very well shot, the acting is brilliantly realistic, and the story is completely devoid of luvvy-duvvyness. In my view it is the best film ever made about the Titanic, and much of the material is based on the story as told by the survivors. I turned in just after nine.

Noise pollution

Some children really shouldn't be brought into libraries, for example those who do nothing but shout and scream. How is one possibly expected to think with all that racket going on? Time to extricate myself from the situation and go home.

Tonight

As usual I won't be doing anything exciting. I'm not really into excitement in the first place. I'll dig out a film to watch, something I haven't watched for a long time. I've really enjoyed the Mae West films, but don't want to watch them so often that I get tired of them.
I'm going to make one of my pork belly concoctions for dinner, with kidney beans and a scotch bonnet chilli. I'm going to enjoy that. As I said, I'm not an exciting sort of person.

Early this afternoon

Today's appointment went really well. Real conversation took place, and the conversations are getting longer. A packet of fig rolls seemed to break the ice. There's something very democratic about sharing a packet of biscuits. Lovely! Moments like that are so worthwhile.

A moment ago

When I went out for a fag, I realized that my earlier optimism regarding the weather was wrong. Now it looks like it's going downhill.
While I was outside I started thinking about belief. Until very recently I had never been quite sure whether I am an agnostic or whether I am an atheist. I now realise that I am definitely the latter. We learn daily of the acts of intolerance, and even great cruelty, that are perpetrated on those who do not comply with what is required by the theocracy. It's all about 'them and us', where it is 'them' who are punished. It's all about superiority and inferiority.What I really want is a world where difference is allowed. I could never accept something that teaches otherwise. As Oscar Wilde said:
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards those we personally dislike.

Just now

I went out for a fag and noticed that the weather had improved. There were still grey clouds, but there were patches of blue and the sun was starting to break through, giving a bit of warmth.
By the way someone complained about the bible man and he was asked to leave. He turned horrible on the librarian, so some of us went over to her to make sure things didn't turn even nastier.
I want the school holidays to be over. It's too noisy.

History

 

 

This is Isobel II of Spain, who was born in 1830 and reigned from 1833 to 1868, when she was overthrown by a military coup. This carton shows the poor old love going into exile.

She was a queer old stick, always intriguing against, and meddling in her governments. On one visit to her son after his restoration, she was told to leave the country because of her constant scheming. And on top of all her troubles look at all the chins the poor dear had to contend with.

Here is how an English visitor described her during her reign:

 



The Queen is large in stature, but rather what might be called bulky than stately. There is no dignity either in her face or figure, and the graces of majesty are altogether wanting. The countenance is cold and expressionless, with traces of an unchastened, unrefined, and impulsive character, and the indifference it betrays is not redeemed by any regularity or beauty of feature.

Apart from status, she never really had much going for her, poor sod.

Today

I've got a quiet sort of day. I'm looking forward to my little weekly meeting at one, but apart from that I'm not planning to do anything. I know I'll have a better week next week.

In the doldrums

I'm very good at getting onto the waiting lists for things. The trouble is I tend to stay on them indefinitely. It's a bit like Soviet Russia, where everything was available, but people spent their whole lives on waiting lists without ever getting anything. Wait and see, as they sometimes say.

Sleep

I slept round to about five this morning, but did wake up a couple of times during the night. I still feel tired. Early mornings aren't much fun when the weather is miserable. After the coffee and fags I played cards on the computer until it was time to leave for the library.

Help!

There's someone in the library with obvious mental health issues. He sounds like Derek ands Clive, and is sitting next to someone and spouting things from the bible. What a terrible bore. I wish he'd stop droning on and shut the fuck up. I don't care what he believes and he has no right to inflict it on the rest of us.

The weather

It stayed beautiful all day yesterday. Guess what I woke up to this morning? Yep, you got it. Horrible, cold, overcast, grey gloom. Then the rain started, but it looks like it's trying to brighten up now.

Them upstairs

The adults were quieter although I could still hear him shouting on and off. Yesterday it was the kid's turn, with the most horrific screaming. I was worried that it was being murdered or something, until I heard it happily playing a few minutes afterwards. I had to keep stopping the film because of the fucking racket it made.
I don't want to worry about those people. In fact I don't even want to hear them. Wankers.

Last night

I had the pasta again. I enjoyed it, but not so much as the previous day. Afterwards I watched Klondike Annie (1936). Mae West was brilliant, but don't watch it if you don't like non-PC. Bed just after nine.

The rest of today

I'm going home shortly. I really feel lake taking a nap, but I don't want to spend tonight awake. I'll have pasta & tomato sauce again and rescue something from the freezer to go with it. Then it'll be a quiet night in; quiet if the cunts upstairs behave, that is.

A moment ago

I went outside for a regulation fag and to enjoy the weather. While I was there I saw a woman struggling up the three steps to the library with a pushchair. Bags of shopping were hanging off its handles. I can't get my head round why she didn't use the ramp, which provides step-free access and is only three yards further down the pavement. And some people think I'm daft. Some people indeed.

Lunchtime

The harpsichording went reasonably well. It wasn't brilliant but it wasn't a waste of time either. My brain and fingers are aching from three hours of continuous playing and concentration.
The weather has picked up considerably, and it feels like summer now.

Sleep

I had a similar sort of night to Monday night, sleeping straight through to 4.15am and waking up feeling tired, and having very unsettled sleep  afterwards until the alarm rang. I still feel tired.

Just now

I went out for a fag and noticed how the weather had improved. It's quite a bit warmer now. The brain is still flooded with thoughts, but I'm trying to think ahead. I hope to be up in Wales again before too long.

Today

I haven't got a very exciting day today. Shortly I'll need to take my keyboard to the historic building. I'm beginning to find that increasingly difficult, but I always manage. Once that's done I'll warm up so that I'm ready for opening time. I don't know what I'm doing afterwards but I'm sure it won't be much.

More about yesterday

Let me tell you about yesterday's meeting. We went to see a property developer who wants to build three-storey houses facing our flats, and about thirty feet away from them. Apart from plunging the street into darkness and the issues around traffic, social problems and the impact on an old people's residence just round the corner, the new occupants would be so close that I could talk to them from my balcony without raising my voice. I don't like the idea one bit. Two-storey houses would be much more appropriate.
I didn't realize beforehand that I already knew of this developer. His shady reputation had preceded him by a couple of years. I also know that he is in collusion with a rather unsavoury member of the local council.
I don't for one minute believe that we can make any difference whatsoever. Money wins every time. But let's give him a run for his money.

The weather

It started raining again yesterday afternoon and the day finished as drearily as it had started. This morning it's much brighter with sunshine and some blue sky, but it's very cool for late August.

Them upstairs

Yep, it started up again last night. It's not so much her as him. He sounds a real sicko. I wonder if she's frightened of him. I can't describe the terrible noise he makes when he screams and starts chucking things around. Their windows were shut, but I had to keep on stopping my film until the bastard calmed down. Just what I need, eh?

The rest of yesterday

I made one of my tomato sauces to go with pasta and fried a couple of sausages to go with it. It was a funny combination but I enjoyed it. Afterwards I watched My Little Chickadee (1940). I'm not enamoured of WC Fields, but Mae West stole the show as usual. There was one funny bit where Mae West puts a got into her bed and covers it over. WC fields comes out of the bathroom and starts chatting it up. They don't make 'em like that anymore! Bed at half past nine.

Another why

Why do I keep coming to dead ends when trying to find my ancestors? Partly it's because poor people didn't leave all that much as evidence for their existence. Partly it's because some of them had such commonplace names, for example Thomas Robinson. There are millions of Thomas fuckin Robinsons. Why couldn't his parents have had the foresight to give him a more findable name? I don't know why I'm so obsessed with finding these people anyway. I bet they were a right bunch of cunts, if their descendants are anything to go by. Grrr.

Later on

What shall I do tonight? A spot of scuba diving? A quick parachute jump? A bit of pole vaulting? No, I don't think so. I'll just go home and have a quiet time. Perhaps I'll watch a film. Perhaps I won't. Let's see.

Why?

I've just been out for another fag. The rain seems to have eased off now. While I was there I say a mobility-impaired woman with her mobility contraption struggling down the three steps to the pavement. I don't know why she did that. Three yards away is a ramp, providing step-free access to the same pavement. What on earth is the matter with people? It really does make my head ache.

Just now

I went out into the rain for a regulation fag. I couldn't help noticing all the fat kids plodding around. And I mean fat. Grotesquely obese in fact. One didn't often see a fat child when I was young. Children weren't quite so sedentary in those days. They certainly didn't spend all day sitting down with their eyes glued to a screen. And they certainly weren't stuffed full of snacks. I expect I'm just showing my age now.

A musical interlude

I am harpsichording tomorrow Saturday and Sunday as usual. I hope that tomorrow will be a repeat of last Wednesday, and that the weekend will be better than last weekend. I'm at the pub on Sunday night and hope it will be better than last Sunday. I also hope the usual staff will be there. I'm used to them and feel much more comfortable when they're around.

Something different

I had a different sort of morning and went to a meeting of people who are opposed to the planned redevelopment of the land opposite to where I live. It was a nice cosy armchair job, rather than hard chairs all lined up in horrid rows. The property developer was a slimy customer who couldn't give a single straight answer. Never mind. He was cut down to size by our very effective ward councilor. He also looked as if he'd been mauled by the questions he was asked. There's to be another meeting, this time with someone who is prepared to answer questions. By the way it's still pissing down with rain.

Them upstairs

They are still being spookily quiet. I could hear them arguing on and off but their window was closed, so it wasn't too intrusive. The toddler had an airing at about half past eight yesterday evening and the stampeding and screaming (including the adults) got a bit too much. I had to keep stopping my film until they quietened down. Cunts.

The weather

Yesterday there were a few sunny spells during the afternoon, but it became cloudier as the day wore on. When I got up this morning it was drizzling, and the drizzle soon turned into rain. As they used to say at the seaside 'Come on in. The water's lovely!'

Sleep

I was very tired when I turned in. As far as I know I slept through until nearly four o'clock this morning. It took me a while to get to sleep, but I woke up when the alarm rang at seven.

The rest of yesterday

I couldn't be bothered to cook yesterday so I concocted another vegetarian thing, and it tasted as dull as it looked. Mind you I didn't have much of an appetite in the first place, so it wasn't the food's fault.
After dinner I watched The Heat's On (1943). It was not one of Mae West's better films, and it was apparently because of this film that she stopped making any more films. Bed at a quarter past nine.

Since just now

I've just been to see my people, and the appeal is ready to type up and send. After the appointment I went to the pub and collected my keyboard. When I got home the letter I have been waiting for had arrived, and it was good news.

Now

I've just been out for a fag and to have a look at the weather. I was totally engulfed in thought. I was aware of the traffic and of all the people milling around. It's as if I noticed every single car, every single person. I was also very aware of noise; vehicle noise, the sound of talking, of fidgeting, of small children screaming, the rattling noises coming from headphones, the sound of people tapping on their keyboards, and the noise coming from the air conditioning unit in the library. I think it shows how tired I must be, because these are all things that I try to block out. It's really quite overwhelming.

Odd

You won't believe what I heard just now. A man was at one of the computers in the library, and got louder and louder as he argued with someone on his mobile phone. As his voice grew louder, so his choice of words became daintier. Ahem. The strange thing is that the argument apparently began over a pot noodle. Perhaps I'm not so strange after all.

Sleep

Sleep is a real issue for me at the moment. It's not the falling asleep. That's the easy bit. It's the staying asleep that's the issue. I realize that this is pretty much how I am, but I do feel tired. I'd really love to be able to sleep right through tonight.

Them upstairs

I haven't heard a peep out of them all weekend, apart from the hideous moaning I had to endure with the coffee and fags on Saturday morning. I really appreciate it when they are quiet, but I'm on tenterhooks too, waiting for them to start up at any time. What a life. I'm sure it must be doing my head a power of good.

The weather

It was on the cold side and overcast for most of the weekend, but started to improve during yesterday afternoon. It's much brighter today and a bit warmer, but more like early spring than late summer. It's been a funny summer. We've had a few summer days here and there, but it's been otherwise very disappointing.

Today

I've had a few bits to do. My day started off with a visit to the hospital to hand in a letter for the neurologist. Then I went to pay the balance on the rent. I've got an appointment with my people at lunchtime. Lastly I need to go and get my keyboard from the pub. It's a bitty sort of day.

Films

On Saturday I enjoyed School for Scoundrels (1960) and Belle of the Nineties (1934). Last night I watched She Done Him Wrong (1933) before I turned in. I do like the old films. They rely on good acting rather than special effects.

How am I?

I still didn't feel brilliant yesterday. After the harpsichord stuff I tried to have a nap but couldn't. I didn't fancy cooking so I boiled some pasta and grated some cheese over it, and ate it with a big dollop of Indian pickle.
When I got home from the pub I fried a hamburger and had it with the remains of the pasta.
My head feels much better today.

A musical interlude

I think that yesterday was one of the most unsatisfying days I can remember. The old building was very busy with philistines. I think they must have come down by the bus load.
The pub was equally as uninspiring. There were two people who I didn't know behind the bar, so I kept myself to myself. I kept people occupied for about an hour, at which point they gave up and so did I. I got home by half past nine, which was a record for me.

The rest of today

I still feel a little dazed, so I'm going to make a move very shortly. First of all I'll get something easy for dinner from the supermarket, and some electricity.
Tonight I don't think I fancy lion taming, tightrope walking or monocycling after all. I think I'll just have a quiet evening in with a film or two.

Earlier

The old building was fairly busy today, but not with my sort of people. There were more nice comments in the visitors' book though. I did find it exhausting.

Soon

I need to get going shortly. I am definitely not my usual self today. I'm the unusual self that I am after a fit. I must play though. I'll get to the historic building nice and early to give myself a chance to settle down. I hope my playing won't be too wobbly, although I play well enough for there to be some leeway. After I've finished I'm going to take things very easy.

Just now

I popped out for a fag. The weather doesn't look any better from how it did earlier. I hope that won't put people off visiting us. On the other hand it might bring people in as it's too cold for the beach. It was nice and quiet outside with hardly any traffic and hardly any people. Just how I like it.

The weather

Overcast, grey, cool, breezy and threatening rain. As they used to say at the seaside, 'Come on in. The water's lovely!'.

First thing

As I was taking my time with the coffee and fags, I couldn't help hearing the screaming, wailing and gnashing of teeth coming from upstairs. The stupid mare was giving her g spot another 20,000 mile service. I wish she could do it a bit more quietly, or wear a bag over her face or something. It really does get on my nerves. Both she and her g spot are getting to be right cunts.

A drama queen

I remember waking up a few times in succession during the night, and got up feeling a particular sort of tiredness. I think I had a fit during the night, so I'll need to let the neurologist know on Monday. I must try and pull myself together, as I'm playing in just over an hour.

Sleep

I had a strange night, full of strange dreams. I remember one bit when it was night time. I was arranging to meet my brother in an area we both used to live in. I was hobbling along the street with two broken little toes. The front part of the toes was bent back over the back part. That's all I remember. I was wide awake three times that I remember. The last time I'd been awake for ages before watching it start to get light, at which point I dropped off again. Up at seven with the alarm.

The rest of yesterday

When I got home I had a hunt round for my missing DVDs. I found one box, which I'm pleased about, but there are quite a few I'm still missing. I hope I didn't leave them behind when I moved. After dinner I watched I'm No Angel (1933), a hilarious Mae West film. Afterwards I watched Ladies Who Do (1963), a clever (but occasionally daft) and very funny satire on the stock market, starring Peggy Mount, Robert Morley, Miriam Karlin etc. Bed at half past nine.

The rest of today

Rather than the skiing trip, the mountaineering expedition or a quick spot of hang gliding, it's going to be a quite evening, with or without films or books. You'll probably gather that I don't really do excitement.

Just now

I've just been out for a regulation fag and to enjoy the warm afternoon. Everything seemed unusually noisy, but I suppose it wasn't really. It's just to do with my mood and my tiredness. I'm having one of those days where I don't feel like I've really woken up. I'll go home shortly to have a rest. I don't want to sleep, 'cos I want to try and have a good sleep tonight. I'm going to take the easy option for dinner, and pick up some frozen hamburgers from the supermarket on the way home. I'll probably end up playing one of the computerized card games when I get in.

In the foreseeable future

My closest friends are far flung, and I don't see any of them nearly as often as I would like. I think it won't be too long now before I start getting around again and seeing them. That's probably the only thing I miss about my old life. I used to be much more mobile then, and could see everyone more or less whenever I wanted. Nowadays it's more a case of whenever I can, but I do want to do something about that.

With cheerful voice

I've just listened to a recording of some Anglican Chant. Talk about depressing. Have you ever heard anything so fucking miserable? Are they deliberately trying to depress people into submission? Anglican Chant is a cunt.

A musical interlude

I will be up to my usual shenanigans this weekend, harpsichording tomorrow and Sunday lunchtimes and Knees Up Mother Browning on Sunday night. It'll be a nice change not to have to visit the workhouse on Monday morning.

Inappropriate contact

Would you believe the ASD centre phoned me this morning? They fucking phoned me. You'd think that of all people, they would understand how difficult phone calls are. All it was about was the letter they'd sent me, and to confirm that they'd be transferring me to another company. Well at least I've heard from them now. It's only taken twenty months for them to get round to it.

The weather

Yesterday afternoon and evening the clouds got darker and darker, and the light got ever stranger. Around seven o'clock there was quite a spectacular storm. There were flashes of lightning in rapid succession and the thunder crashed and rumbled continuously for about three quarters of an hour. There was torrential rain, which gradually eased off by bedtime.
It was still overcast when I got up, but it's getting clearer, sunnier and warmer now.

Earlier

This morning hasn't been the best. I got up for the coffee and fags, with my brain so overloaded with thoughts that I couldn't actually think. The world seemed very strange and unreal. I played cards on the computer for a couple of hours while I came round. I steel feel a bit jittery and have a headache, but did get round to going up to pay the rent.

Sleep

I had a particularly bad night. The dreams were horrible, and I remember waking up twice and taking ages to fall asleep afterwards. In one dream I was somewhere I really don't want to be, in a back room at the piano. I was unable to play and sat there with my eyes closed, hearing people I don't want to see, talking in the front room. Someone I know in real life, although not very well, came and led me outside via the front room. I had a fit outside, and the last thing I remember is coming round (in my dream, that is). I got up at half past six this morning.

Last night

I had one of my strange concoctions for dinner and ate what I'd dished up. I enjoyed it so much that I had another helping later on. Then it was films. I started watching The Early Bird (1955) but that looked like it was going to be pure shite, so I switched it off. Then I put on Man Of The Moment (1955) followed by On The Beat (1962).
I must stop watching any more Norman Wisdom films for a while. They're beginning to get on my nerves. Ok, the slapstick stuff is alright in small doses, but the 'man falls in love with pretty lady but is loved by another, is rejected by the first and finally runs off with the other' subplot which runs through every film is really giving me the hump. Bed at half past ten.

The rest of today

I was thinking of having a wild party in my flat, or going to an orgy. I'd even considered going to a rave. But what I've decided to do is have a quiet evening at home with a film or two, just for a change.

Finally

I've just got round to letting workhouse number two know that I shall no longer be attending, at least not for the foreseeable future. I felt a bit sorry when writing it, as I really liked the man I saw there. He was much more helpful than the other lot were allowed to be. Ah well, there you go.

Again

My 1pm appointment was cancelled at just after twelve noon. I hate last minute things. I need to know what I'm doing well beforehand, so I can get around to doing it. How can people live so chaotically? It really does my head in.

The weather

Just now I went to get my rent money from the bank, and for a walk round the block. It's horrible out there and more like dusk than lunchtime. The air is oppressive and there's a deathly hush. It won't be long before the thunder and lightning start.

The melodrama

I am being diagnosed up to the eyeballs lately. Yesterday I had another letter by email, which was a copy of the one from the mental health people to my doctor. It represented exactly what I do feel. While I felt pleased that the woman had really understood me, at the same time I was taken aback to see it all on paper. I know she both listened to me and heard me because she will maintain contact by email, which is what I am most comfortable with. Gone are the days of 'Oh you are miserable. Take a tablet', and good riddance to them too.

The letter

Last night I had another look at the letter I'd received in connection with ASD diagnosis. Just now I googled the company who are to take me on. The good news is that they are only a long bus ride away, rather than fifty miles away. However I will need to make an appointment with them. On second thoughts it looks like I shan't have too many more months to wait.

In the near future

My rent is due tomorrow. I was going to go and pay it this afternoon but don't feel like it. I can go tomorrow morning instead.
I've got an appointment at lunchtime for something I like doing. Afterwards I'll come back to the library to use their computers.
I no longer need to go to tomorrow's workhouse appointment, so I'll need to send them an email to let them know not to expect me.

Now

I've just been out for a fag and to check on the weather. It's looking a good bit stormier than it did earlier on. As usual my mind started wandering. I asked myself the question How am I?, and contemplated the difference between what I am sometimes expected to say and how to correctly say how I really feel. That's a difficult one.

News

I've just read the ghastly news that there has probably been another one of those horrible beheadings in the Middle East. That region has a serious problem with its beliefs. When there is an uneducated populace who are full of hatred and who are indoctrinated from birth, it is depressing but unsurprising that such events occur.
I remember in our own history too when our culture behaved very similarly. Hysteria has led to British Jews being massacred, mistreated and finally expelled in the Thirteenth Century. Then of course there was the Spanish Inquisition. There were the Crusades. There were the witch-hunts. There were the burnings at the stake for heresy. There were the recusancy laws. And before Henry VIII the church exploited the population at large. (Of course thereafter it was Henry who did the exploiting). It was the church that helped enforce the class system and workhouse discipline.
I can't help observing that while these things happened centuries ago in our culture, they continue to occur in that other culture. Haven't people learned anything?
I'm worried sick. My nephew and his partner are on holiday in that country (that is if they haven't already returned). When I see them they are going to get such a bollocking for going somewhere so dangerous.

The weather

The light is horrible this morning. The air is tepid and humid, so I have a strong suspicion that we're in for the storms that have already hit Europe.

This morning

It's been a funny sort of morning. I was fasting on water and fags because of the blood tests. I was glad I had an early appointment. After that I went home for coffee, fags and toast before setting off for the library.

Sleep

Still hacked off with the film, it took me a while to fall asleep. My mind was darting from that to one thing and then another, then back again. I had a dream-ridden sleep but don't remember waking up during the night. I got up at about six this morning.

The rest of yesterday

In the end I cooked a meat sauce to go with pasta. It came out very well but I soon got tired of it, but ate everything on the plate. After dinner I watched The Bulldog Breed (1960) and Press For Time (1966). The first was moderately OK, and the second was embarrassingly bad. In fact I was annoyed throughout, but couldn't be bothered to switch it off. Norman Wisdom looks much better in black and white than in colour. It was uninspiring to see a fifty-year-old leering after much younger women. I went to bed with the hump at half past ten.

Later

Dinner will be simple; pasta with home-made tomato sauce. Then I'll have a quiet night in and watch a film or two, that is if I can stay awake long enough. I need to sleep reasonably early because I have to be out early in the morning.

The weather

It was raining when I left the library, and the weather was decidedly grotty when the historic building opened. It's been gradually improving since then. Although it's still overcast, there is some brightness and it feels much warmer now.

Earlier on

I played continuously from 11am to 2.40pm. It was a mammoth session but very enjoyable. I had an audience for at least half the time, and there were some lovely comments in the visitors' book. At the moment wrists tired, fingers tired, eyes tired and brain tired, but it was wholly worth it.

A musical interlude

I need to try and get myself together, 'cos I need to play very shortly. It'll keep my mind occupied for a few hours, which is a good thing. At least I shan't have to move the keyboard first, as I left it at the historic building after I finished playing on Monday.

The letter

A while back the county council fucked up when they tendered out the contract for ASD diagnosis. They ended up with a contract that is not fit for purpose. I was referred for diagnosis in December 2013 and am yet to receive an appointment.
Yesterday I received a letter from the ASD people, saying that they are handing me over to another private company. I infer from this that there will be another lengthy wait. I'm going to write to my doctor, to find out if he can refer me elsewhere. I need the diagnosis to enable me to access the support I need.

Moods

A bit odd today. I have talked about my inner self to a few different people lately. I don't like talking about myself, and having done it three times in rapid succession has unnerved me somewhat.

Thinking

Just now I went out for a regulation fag, and felt decidedly chilly as I smoked it. I started thinking about something I had just read. One country is apparently going to ban depictions of rainbows on the basis that they are 'gay propaganda'. Honestly, haven't they got anything more important to think about? Apart from that, it shows to what lengths intolerance is prepared to go, and how fanatically obsessive it can become. This news is horribly sad for those poor souls who have to live under such an oppressive regime.

The weather

It was raining when I woke up this morning. Today is cool and humid, and the quality of light is terrible. I think we're heading for a storm. I hope it won't put people off visiting the historic building.

Sleep

I was woken up at 11.20pm by some commotion outside, but got back to sleep quite quickly. I woke up a couple of times during the night. I remember a strange dream where I was designing a pamphlet to advertise I café I was playing at. There was a photo on the front and the words to some old-time songs on the inner two pages. The building itself was a crumbling ruin in a slum, and had strips of paper and cloth hanging from the walls and fluttering around. That's all I remember. I woke up at half past five.

Last night

I finally had the steak dinner that I'd been promising myself for about a week. It was a real treat and well worth waiting for. Afterwards I watched two more Norman Wisdom films; Up In The World and Trouble In Store. The first film was trite and annoyed me, but the second one was much better. Margaret Rutherford was hilarious as a shoplifter. I turned in just before ten.

Thinking

I'm starting to feel drained after all today's activity. Upstairs have been quiet since Friday, so I think I'll go home to rest. I will need all my energy and concentration for when I play tomorrow. Hopefully the headache will have shifted by then.

The rest of today

When I went outside just now to enjoy the cold air and a fag, I started wondering what I was going to do later. I remembered to defrost a steak this morning, so I'm looking forward to that. Afterwards I think it's going to be another Norman Wisdom night. Sorted.

Now

My day has been mentally exhausting, but I feel like I'm starting to achieve things. The rest of this month is likely to be a bit difficult, but I'll cross whatever bridges when I come to them. At least I shan't have to perform somersaults. That's such a relief.

The weather

Today is much more overcast, cooler and muggier than yesterday. When I got up this morning it had obviously been raining. I don't mind the weather. We're much luckier with our weather than many other countries are.

Earlier

Between workhouse visits nos. 2 & 3, I went along to the mental health people for my assessment. The woman who saw me this time was very good, and understood the connection between my various issues; ASD, depression and seizures. I was so pleased that I wasn't being treated as a case of depression. Depression is a cunt, but that's not the half of it.
The session itself was quite grueling. I really don't like talking about how I feel. I had quite a headache from the earlier phone calls, and did my best to maintain some level of eye contact with the woman. She thinks that psychological therapy would be beneficial to me, and has put me on the waiting list. She said that in future she will refer me to agencies who specialise in my needs. She clarified that the therapy she offers is different to psychotherapy, which I am strongly averse to.

Today

I've had such a busy day, which was nearly all taken up by three visits to the workhouse and two very lengthy telephone calls. The calls were really horrible. I managed but had no choice in the matter. It's such a shame there was no facility for doing these things online. One thing I must say, though, is that all the staff I've dealt with have been very kind.

Sleep

Last night wasn't too bumpy, and I woke up only a couple of times. I must have been very tired when I turned in, as I don't remember anything I had dreamed. I had a vague recollection of moods though. I didn't set my alarm, and woke up tired at half past eight this morning.

Bedtime

I heard some of the strangest sounds coming from above my living room. At first I thought it must have been a distressed seagull on the roof. Then I realised it was 'er upstairs. She's a bit of a screamer. It was blood-curdling.

The rest of yesterday

When I got home from the library, I played cards on the computer having started the washing machine and switching on the hot water. I forgot myself so dinner was very late. The meal was delicious; beef sausages, mash and red cabbage. Afterwards I watched Just My Luck (1957). I must say that Norman Wisdom has started to grow on me. There were some very funny moments in the film. Bed at eleven.

In a moment

I'm starting to get hungry. Partly that's where I've been planning my dinner, and partly because all I've eaten today is a couple of scones (pronounced either scons or scoans). It's more than I usually bother with, but not enough really to keep a person going all day.

Correspondence

What with how I've been feeling lately, I've not been very good at keeping in touch with people. I've started to put that right. I've been in touch with my brother over the weekend, and with two of my cousins today. I'm glad we're talking again.

Soon

I feel lavish! In a moment I'll get an apple and some onions, so I can cook some red cabbage the way I like it. I have a sneaky feeling that the steak that I was planning for dinner is more likely to be some of the lovely beef sausages from the local butcher's. Steak will do very nicely for tomorrow.

Now

What a difference four minutes can make. I don't feel like my bran has been shackled anymore. Yay!!!!!!!

The melodrama

I have just got back from the doctors, and they have made a decision which will greatly improve my quality of life from now on. They have also offered some advice re the ASD diagnosis appointment, and have said they will try to refer me elsewhere if necessary, in order to speed things up. I'm so pleased that they listened. That is such a huge weight off my mind.

Tonight

I expect it to be a quiet one. I fancy treating myself to a steak for dinner, so I'll rescue one from the freezer. I'll probably put on another Norman Wisdom film as background noise while the washing machine is going. I've been getting a lot of enjoyment from my balcony, and look forward to seeing it when I get home.

On reflection

Today is turning out to be a very worthwhile day, and one of the best I've had for a while (apart from those times I've been with my closest people). What is different, though, is that I can feel my mood starting to even out. I don't feel like I've been hijacked by it, as I have done of late.

Just now

The music went reasonably well and the kids enjoyed it. A couple of them were seriously interested in learning how to play, so I had a word with their teachers. One little kid made me a piano out of paper as a present. Lovely! One of the teachers made a video of my playing. That went pear-shaped at the very end. I hadn't prepared myself to record, and I had a bit of a mental block.
One thing though, I'm not sure what the kids 'had to do with music'.

Shortly

It's just about time to buck my ideas up and make a move. The hangover ain't quite gone yet, but I think a couple of buns from the supermarket will put that right. What I'm not looking forward to is the humping of the keyboard ceremony. Either it is getting heavier or I'm getting more and more feeble. I suspect it's the latter.

The weather

It's been hot all weekend. Today continues the same, with beautiful blue skies and brilliant sunshine. It was very warm indeed when I played last night, and the night continued quite sultry.

Celebrity

I know I haven't been launched on the path to international stardom, but it seems my musical activities are getting quite a reputation. Apart from the review of my classical playing that I found a couple of days ago, I've just found another review of my old-time pub singalongs. Both reviews are by people who live in different parts on the country, and had been visiting our town. It's lovely to think that I have done something towards making their visits enjoyable.

Just now

Got the boring stuff out of the way. I really loathe those appointments. The lady I see is very kind to me, but it's a degrading and humiliating ordeal. My spirits have lifted somewhat, in the hope that I shan't have to go there ever again.

Today

It's going to be a busy one. I've already been to the doctors and have an appointment for this afternoon (re the mental health issues). Shortly I've got my workhouse trip, but I'm hoping that this will be the last one. Afterwards I need to get my keyboard to the historic building, ready to play for the schoolkids who are 'something to do with music'. Then, of course, I'll need to let the agency that contacted me on Friday know that I shan't be able to make it.

A musical interlude

Yesterday the harpsichording was more successful than it had been the previous day. After I'd finished I went to see an acquaintance whose birthday it was, before going home to a remarkably unpleasant dinner. The pub was good. There were quite a few day-trippers, all up for a right good sing-song. I finished at about nine, and then I enjoyed the pints that some very kind customers had bought for me. I enjoyed it all.

The weekend

I was on edge all weekend, waiting for the people upstairs to start. As it goes they were quiet throughout. On Saturday evening I watched a couple of Norman Wisdom films; The Square Peg and One Good Turn. He's not my favourite but I wanted something I didn't need to take too much notice of.

The rest of today

Shortly I'll make my way home via the supermarket. I haven't yet decided what to have for dinner, but the supermarket will help me make up my mind. Later on I want to try to watch one of the films I tried to watch yesterday, but that depends on the people upstairs.
I really don't fancy going home, but I need to. After all it is where I live. I can't take much more antisocial behavior though.

A nice surprise

I regularly check Trip Advisor for the historic building where I play. I've seen two favourable comments about my activities there, and one of them refers to me by name. The idea of being famous really terrifies me (but I know that will never happen) but it is kind of people to write the things they did. I'm really glad they found it so enjoyable.

Thinking

I feel tired and feel like lying down on the sofa. I'm dreading my neighbours though, so will stay out a while yet. My friend from uni has told me I can sleep at his place while he's away, but I feel awkward about doing that. All I can do is to wait and see what happens.

Earlier

I played particularly well today and played for three hours continuously, which has left my fingers and wrists a bit sore. We had lots of visitors today but my efforts fell mostly on deaf ears. I had some really lovely comments in the visitors' book though, so today wasn't a waste of time.

Shortly

I'm just about to get myself set up to play. I'll go to the supermarket on the way and get something 'puddeny' to soak up last night's booze. I'm sure I'll feel a bit better after that.

The weather

Last night was another mild one. This morning started off overcast and cool, but now it is bright, sunny and warm. If it continues like this it's going to be a hot afternoon. I hope the weather doesn't drive our visitors to the beach instead of the historic building.

Just now

I've just been catching up with my brother, who lives quite some distance from me. I want to visit him as soon as I can, but need to get my health issues sorted out first. They can't visit me. They have greyhounds and animals aren't allowed in my flats. My flat is much to small for them anyway. I like it that my brother and I are getting on so much better than we used to.

This morning

I've got a bit of a hangover from the cheap wine and even cheaper cider that I had last night. Feeling ratty and very edgy, and trying to get my head around playing very shortly. What a life. How I detest those horrible neighbours of mine. Their capers aren't helping my depression one bit. In fact they are aggravating it. Cunts.

The rest of yesterday

My evening was completely trashed by the people upstairs. I had to switch off the film I was watching as I could no longer hear it. I walked up to the supermarket and bought something to drown my sorrows. That was an expense I could ill afford. It was reasonably quiet when I got home so I put on another film. The noise started up again so I switched that film off too. The noise was indescribable. It wasn't just the loud voices with their window open. It wasn't just the loud music booming through my ceiling. It wasn't just the banging, crashing, repeated stamping, slamming of doors and the running around. It wasn't just the kid screaming and giggling or screaming and crying. It was all of these things, all at the same time. Those cunts are doing my head in. I complained to the residents' association this morning, and sent them some recordings of the noise. Ain't it boring.

Annoying

This autism stuff. First of all it's always stuff about kids. Now it's always stuff about women. What's going on? Why do we always have to be labeled and separated? Why don't they write something inclusive for a change?

A life crowded with incident

I have quite a hectic life when I think about it. I have appointments on each of the seven days of next week, and a second appointment on one of the days.
 Just now I was contacted out of the blue by an agency that had found my cv on another agency's website. They want me to go and see them about an uninspiring job with kid's pocket money for a wage, for a very short fixed term. To be honest it would be much better and fairer if my benefits were stopped and I were paid the going rate for all the work I do on a voluntary basis. A very conservative wage for that would be about £360.00 per week. In fact double that rate would still be cheap. I know that if I had to go back to the shitty, bleak, joyless and unhappy life I used to have, I would go completely mad in a very short space of time. I also know I wouldn't be able to hold that sort of job down. I wouldn't last five minutes. I'm going ahead with Plan A instead.

The centre

I've just been to see the people I'd been waiting for. They've booked me in to do the appeal in just over a week's time. They're also going to see me on Monday to get some other stuff sorted out. These people really are good.

Why?

I've been asking myself why I have photos of Isobel II of Spain as my profile pictures. I think I've twigged it. First of all I'm laughing at myself (the 'old queen' bit). Her painted portraits show her as reasonably slim and smooth-skinned, which contrasts markedly with the morbidly obese and singularly unattractive person we see captured in photographs.
In my blog I give a 'warts and all' account of myself, like the photographs, rather than a smoothed-over, glossy, painted account. So that's it. You see there is a method in my madness.

Tonight

It's going to be a quiet one. I can't make up my mind what to have for dinner, but I can be sure it won't be cold boiled bacon. As nice as it is I need something different today. Afterwards I may or may not watch a film or read. I will keep looking at my balcony though. The flowers look lovely.

Another musical interlude

I nearly forgot that I've been offered another booking, this time to play seaside music for an event that will be attended by all the mayors of the county. I'm not someone who is impressed by rank or status, but I've said that I will do it. After all it is another opportunity to play.

Now

I keep popping downstairs to see if the people I am waiting for have arrived. I must admit I'm starting to get a bit impatient now, but I also have to admit I don't know what time they get here. They are all volunteers after all. I have a question or two which I'm sure they can answer for me.

Moods

My mood still isn't right, although not as low as it was yesterday. Just now I went outside for a fag and to enjoy the weather. The cool breeze makes the hot sun feel very comfortable. I felt crowded out by all the people and it was very noisy. I'm very aware of noise at the moment. It's as if I can hear every single sound, both indoors and out. It's starting to make my head ache. I think it's time for the earplugs.

A musical interlude

I'm going to be busy again this weekend. Apart from two lunchtime harpsichord sessions and Sunday night at the pub, I'm harpsichording again on Monday lunchtime for a party of schoolkids who 'are something to do with music' (whatever that is). That means I'll have to take my keyboard home on Sunday night and move it again on Monday morning.

Just now

I've been and done the first thing I have to. It was very distracting what with all the noise, so I stuck in the earplugs. Got it over and done with, and think I did enough to keep the control freaks happy.

Today

I have a couple of things I must do today. Shortly I need to go to workhouse no.2, the nice one, to take part in one of their activities. Then this afternoon I need to see the disability people about the outcome of my recent interview. At the moment I'm trying to build myself up for both.

The weather

Last night was very mild again and we're off to a hot start today, with sunshine and a hazy blue sky. That should do my little garden a power of good. The fuchsias are blooming so much better now.

Sleep

My sleep was very disjointed last night, with lots of lucid dreams and lots of waking up. I remember dreaming about the flat where my mum used to live. I've forgotten the particulars but the mood was strange. I also dreamed about an ancient map of the area where I live now, but all the main roads were going in the wrong direction. I do dream such utter crap.

Them upstairs

It was bad last night. All I could hear was him shouting and roaring, and the little girl screaming and giggling each time he did it. It was as if he were encouraging her to do it. His voice went on until half past nine, and so did the stamping around and running around, with the occasional scream from the child. The man's a right cunt. I wish he would go away.

The rest of yesterday

I got home feeling listless, so I played a few games of patience on the computer. After watering the balcony I ate the cold remains of the previous day's meal, before watching Bette Davis in The Letter (1940). No, in the end I couldn't resist the urge to watch another of her films. It was a bloody good one, after a novel by Somerset Maugham. I turned in at ten.

This afternoon

I really do feel tired this afternoon, so I'm planning to go home and lie down very shortly. Before that I'll give my garden a drink. I haven't been able to concentrate on reading for the past few days, so I'll lie down with a book that's full of pictures. I need something nice to look at.

On my mind

I'm thinking about three of my closest people, all of whom are currently abroad. My nephew is holidaying with his girlfriend in a country I consider dangerous. Of course I am worried about it, but I hope they have a nice time.
The couple whose wedding I went to are currently on their honeymoon, but I can't remember where they were off to.
After a very trying time, my friend from uni is holidaying with his family on the continent.
I hope they all have the enjoyment they so richly deserve.

Meanwhile

It turned suddenly warm just before noon, so after a quick trip to the shops I went and sat on the front. The beach was fairly busy, but not so busy as it used to be once upon a time. Afterwards I took my shopping home and retrieved an ice cream from the freezer.
My appointment went reasonably well, in that I didn't have to initiate all the conversations. There was a lot of ambient noise, and some of it very loud, which made me feel edgy and a bit panicky. In fact I was quite phased out by it once or twice (or more).

Soon

I have an appointment to see someone in a short while. I need to pull myself together. The common expression for how I am at the moment is 'I'm not quite myself today'. That saying is not really appropriate as I'm very much like myself today, only it's the self I don't like to admit to or to show others.

Tonight

Dinner will be simple, as I cooked enough yesterday to feed me tonight. I don't know if I'll read or watch a film. Whatever I do it won't involve Miss Davis. I don't think my nerves would be able to withstand the shock. I think I'm likely to have another early night.

News

I have just read about a three year old boy who was shot dead by an eleven year old. The gun belonged to the latter's parents. Why do people need to have guns? Guns are for killing people. That's what they were designed for. They have no other use. This story is so depressing.

Just now

When I went out for a fag, I noticed how much cooler it is today. In fact it doesn't feel like august at all.
This morning I'm finding it a bit difficult to concentrate and to settle down. I find myself easily distracted by things going on around me. Also my mind is in hyperdrive, flitting from one thought to another in rapid succession. I'm taking it all in my stride, realizing that it is pretty much what I do anyway. I can't imagine how I used to cope with holding down such a demanding job as my last one. But I didn't really cope at all when I think about it.

A question

Practically everything I see about autism on social media is about children. Of course this is important, but what about adults. We have gone through life without any sort of guidance or help, and in my case I'm still waiting for that. It's as if adults are completely disregarded or ignored, as if we don't even matter. Why?

The weather

Last night was very mild indeed, and it continues just the same. It's very overcast though, and not a hint of sunshine. I wonder if my prediction for the weekend was right after all?

Moods

It's a bit of a grotty one today. It's one of those days where I feel like I'm trying to walk round in a diving suit. I am trying to do something about it though, and am contacting some places that the person told me about the other day.

Earlier

The email I have been waiting for still hadn't arrived when I checked first thing this morning. That led me to start worrying, but I got it a short time ago. They've made an appointment for me to go back and see them next week.

Sleep

I was very tired when I went to bed, and had sharp pains behind both knees. I woke up twice during the night, and dreamed lucidly. I still remember one of the dreams, about people, and this time my brain didn't play any tricks. Everything I saw was faithful to real life and very unpleasant. I saw things for what they were. It's still playing on my mind now. I got up just after six, still feeling tired.

The rest of yesterday

I didn't enjoy my dinner, although there was nothing wrong with it. After I'd eaten I watched Dark Victory (1939) starring Betty Davis, Humphrey Bogart and Ronnie Raygun. What a load of shite. Miss Davis becomes completely blind and goes charging round the room doing her stuff as if she could see perfectly. Two minutes later she needs escorting back into the house where the poor thing is so visually impaired. They certainly don't make 'em like that any more. Bed at half past nine.

Tonight

Tonight will definitely be a quiet one, and I can't imagine anything will change that. When I get home I'll cook so that's out of the way, and I can eat whenever I feel like it. While the food's on I'll go and retrieve some Bette Davis films to watch later on, that is if I'm able to stay awake long enough. I think tonight will be an early one.

Hindsight

When I got back on Monday my little garden was very dehydrated but still alive (just), so I treated it to copious amounts of water. Also the electricity ran out at teatime, but luckily I'd bought some more. It looks like I arrived back home just in time.

Waiting

There's still no email from the people I saw yesterday. I don't know why I've been worrying about it. I know it will arrive sooner or later. It's just that I feel impatient, and am desperate to get something done. I've already been waiting such a long time, so another day or so won't really hurt.

This afternoon

This morning I woke up intending to get something done this afternoon. I feel too tired now, so it will have to wait until tomorrow. I know I have a tendency to put things off, but on this occasion it really can't be helped.

Just now

Today's playing was a great success. I played for three hours continuously, apart from one very quick fag break. That has left me feeling tired, and I shall have to put the wrist splint on when I get home.
After I'd finished I went to the supermarket to get another of the bacon knuckles, and bought two of them at half price in the reduced section. One can go in the freezer. I do like a nice bargain!

The weather

Today it's sunny and bright with more fluffy clouds, but it's beginning to feel quite hot. Perhaps the weather forecast was right after all.

This morning

I got up feeling a bit fuzzy from last night's wine. My friend brought me home after a cup of coffee and a few fags. At home I washed, changed, and had a very strong cup of coffee and more fags before setting off for the library. I haven't shaved though. I can't be asked.
I'm going home shortly to move my keyboard and all the gubbins, ready to play soon afterwards.

Waiting

The people I saw yesterday haven't contacted me yet. I forgot to mention that they said they would chase up my appointment with the ASD people re diagnosis. On that basis I feel I can trust them, as no-one else has offered that support.
When I went home yesterday afternoon, a letter from the people I saw the other week was waiting for me. That interview didn't go favourably for me, so I'm going to appeal. The disability centre have told me they will appeal on my behalf. They say I have very strong grounds for asking for support. As usual I am very poor at stating my case.

Sleep

I slept until half past eight this morning, but woke up several times during the night. I desperately needed a five yard sprint during the night, but didn't have the energy to get up. I don't know how I managed to fall asleep afterwards.

Last night

It was great fun in the garden, burning a vast quantity of growth that had been lopped off the wilderness at the end of my friends' garden. I love those bonfires, particularly when they are accompanied by a nice glass of wine. Later that night we retired to the telly, had some of the boiled bacon, and watched a programme about the entertainer who has just died. It's astonishing to see how popular they have suddenly become. The hysteria reminds me of another 'celebrity' funeral a couple of decades ago. We were regaled with a virtuoso performance from the singer, whose vocal range appeared to cover no more than a sixth. Highly embarrassing for the listener. Bed at half past twelve.

Now

I've just inherited a lovely chest of drawers with two large cupboards. It looks like it's made of oak, and the style is antique. It'll be ideal for the china and glass that belonged to my mother, that lie in boxes in my spare room. That's such a lovely thing for me, particularly when its present owners just want to get rid of it. Sometimes I feel very lucky indeed.

Later

Instead of a nice evening with Bette Davis, it looks like I'm in for an evening sitting round a jolly old bonfire with a jolly nice old glass of wine!

Thou shalt not kill

Countries and societies which either practice or condone capital punishment are cunts.

Just now

I became a beast of burden, but it was nothing like as strenuous as rock-breaking. I enjoyed myself. I like it when I'm able to muck in.

Tonight

I expect tonight to be a very quiet one. I might dig out some Bette Davis films. I could do with a laugh. Before that I'm going to boil a gammon knuckle, which will provide three dinners. Boiled bacon is one of my favourite meals.

A musical interlude

This week I am back to my usual schedule of three harpsichord sessions and one lot of Knees Up Mother Brown. As much as I enjoyed last week, and I did enjoy it, having the week off felt very odd indeed.

This afternoon

I am looking forward to seeing my friend from uni this afternoon. I wonder what gentle pursuits I have in store. Stone quarrying? Path laying? Hod carrying? Roofing? Laying down a floor? I am on the edge of my seat!!

Now

I still feel tired, and my arms and legs are a bit achey. I don't feel jet-lagged like I did yesterday though. At least I can think today.

Weather

It's another very warm day, with blue skies, sunshine and fluffy white clouds. We are to expect a heat wave over the weekend, if the weather forecast is to be believed. Well I don't believe it. I expect it to be cold, windy and pissing down with rain.

News

Today we learn that a man has been executed in another country. The conviction was probably extracted under torture, and the interrogation took place when the person was still a minor. Where were all the righteous? Why weren't they mobilising themselves to try and prevent this terrible wrong? Fucking hypocrites.

The appointment

I had the appointment with the mental health people this morning. That gave me the chance to tell the people exactly what is going on in my head, which is impossible to do within the four minutes of a doctor's appointment. The lady who interviewed me will meet with her supervisor this afternoon, and tell me what they are going to do by email tomorrow.

Sleep

Apart from one necessary distraction during the night, I don't remember waking up at all before getting up at nearly seven. I know I dreamed a lot though, as my mind was overloaded with thoughts as I awoke. Coffee and fags were very slow this morning.

The rest of yesterday

I felt exhausted. After a very simple but enjoyable meal I tried reading a book about the Industrial Revolution, but was too tired. The words just didn't sink in. The garden was looking a bit dehydrated, so I made sure it was well-watered. I turned in at half past eight.

Soon

I feel very tired and weary. I got up at four o'clock this morning, so it's not altogether surprising that I am tired. Lately I've been noticing how rapidly my age seems to be catching up with me. I'm not as strong as I was once upon a time, but that's no great surprise either. I am getting on you know.

One day

I would like to visit the place where my friend Nina's ashes were scattered. I have never been there before, so I'd need to be taken. I certainly need to be on my own though, so that I can think without distraction. I would like to go early in the day, so that I can spend as little or as much time there as I need. I don't want to be hurried. One day I will go, and I hope it will be soon.

Back to normal

When I got home, upstairs were playing extremely loud music with their windows open. The bass lines were deafening. I want to go home but can't face trying to put up with all that noise.
In the meanwhile the library is populated by talkers and babblers. They irritate me terribly, but aren't nearly as painful as my antisocial neighbours. Antisocial neighbours are cunts.

A thought

I wish I could understand Ancient Greek. There are certain things I'd love to be able to read for myself, rather than having to rely on someone else's translation, particularly when those translations date from the first quarter of the Seventeenth Century. I take the same approach to literature as I do to music, that is, a scholarly one. I want to see the original sources and not second-hand ones. I want to know exactly what the original author said, and not what somebody else said he said.

Tonight

I'm going to have a normal night, well normal for me. It'll be a quiet one with a bit of reading or a film, and early to bed. I feel like I could sleep now, but I won't allow myself to sleep until the right time.

Tomorrow

I have my assessment with the mental health team in the morning. I need some support from the system, and know I shan't get any until after the diagnosis. I've already waited nineteen months for that, and could end up waiting anything up to three years. Let's see if these people can help me before I go completely barmy.

The weather

While I was away the weather was definitely on the cool to mild side, with only occasional warm sunshine. I arrived home to a scorchingly hot day, with sunshine and blue skies. The first thing I did when I got home is to change into summer clothes. I wish the weather could have been like this for my friends' wedding.

My usual self

Usually I would never plan something on the spur of the moment, so I felt a bit out of place with myself after deciding to stay an extra day at my friends'  I'm glad I did stay though. It was a lovely day. All the time I did what I usually do; that is, worry. Although I had bough some electricity prior to my travels, I worried incessantly that my electricity might have run out and that my freezer would defrost, making all my food unusable. I also worried that something might have gone wrong with my flat. At the same time I worried that my little garden might have died, because I wasn't there to water it. I worried that I would not hear my alarm this morning and miss my lift home. Of course I don't want to worry about things all the time, but I think there must be something in me that needs to worry about something.

Today

I was up at four for an early start. Instead of starting out at 5.10 am we didn't leave until six. The journey back was fantastic, with hardly any traffic. My friend dropped me one bus ride away from home, and that halved the time I would have spent on coaches. I'm tired enough, but enjoyed the drive with someone I like, rather than with the random people who would have been on the coaches.

En voyage

I'm really enjoying being away, and have had a thoroughly lazy day. My mind has wandered a bit though. As happy as I am here, I can't help thinking about (or rather, worrying about) my flat. It's a funny thing really, but that's how I am.

Modern communications

The internet can be very hit-and-miss, here one minute and gone the next. If you ask me, the internet can be a right cunt.

Knowledge

I know who my true friends are. In fact I've known that for quite some time; a very long time in fact. There may or may not be others that I'm not yet aware of, but I know that the ones who have always been with me are the ones who will always be with me. What else could I ask for, when I already have the best?

News

The death of a popular entertainer has just been announced. Of course this is terribly sad for her loved ones. I remember being frightened of her high notes when I was very small. I used to burst out crying when she sang them. I didn't enjoy her television programs. I don't do 'celebrity' or 'glamour' in the first place. What I resent most about this person, though, is the way she gave her support to the values of a particularly nasty administration when I was a young man.

Good living

I've been eating very good food since I came away. Yesterday's buffet was really superb, and of the quality I wouldn't generally expect in my everyday life. Even something as humble as toad-in-the-hole tasted infinitely better than when I have it at home. I certainly do eat well when I'm in company.

On reflection

It's been a lovely few days, and so different from how I usually live. What I've enjoyed most is seeing some of those few people who really matter to me. I've found all the talking and all the energy around me somewhat difficult but not unmanageable. I think I've coped much better than I used to. It's been a great help for me to be able to use the front room as a bolt hole. Having access to the computer has been a boon. I've been able to express my thoughts as they happen, rather than bottling it all up. I am glad I came, and gladdest of all to have been able to attend my friends' wedding. For me that was one of the highlights of many a year.

Tomorrow

I am glad that I'm being driven home tomorrow, instead of taking the coach today. It will be nice to spend a little time with my friend, and to be able to catch up properly. That's so much better than being thrown together with random, miskerlaneous people, who may or not be fat and annoying.

Earlier

Last minute arrangements. I'm not quite orientated yet. Earlier on people were clearing up after the party, but I couldn't pull myself together to help. I still feel embarrassed about it. I'm sure I will be forgiven, at least I hope I will. Of course nothing has been said. My friends are good and wouldn't expect anything, but I do feel I've let the side down.

Errata

It's beautifully sunny and warm now. So much for my gloomy predictions. My forecasts are just about as accurate as the BBC's.

A lesson

Last night I drank copious amounts of champagne and drank nothing else. This morning I didn't wake up with a hangover. I have discovered that champagne doesn't cause a hangover, therefore I must drink champagne in future. All I need now is the income to do so.

God's dear little critters

Small, smiling, warm, furry, anthropomorphised, centre-of-attention, controlling, manipulative, wilful, crafty little sods. They give me the hump. They're cunts.

This morning

I got up before everyone else and got my things packed, before having the usual coffee and fags. It was almost time for me to leave, when my friend Nina's other daughter offered to take me home tomorrow instead of my leaving today. Unusually I accepted and am very happy to have been offered.
Last minute arrangements are most unsettling for me. I feel a bit odd for having stayed, although my hosts are very gracious. There are several people in the house at the moment, so I'm staying in the front room for a minute until I feel able to join in any conversation. I'm glad to be here though.

Sleep

I had more of the menacing travel dreams and woke up lots of times before getting up at half past eight. I suppose the coach trip had been weighing on my mind. I haven't got a hangover, although I feel like I have had a drink or two.

The weather

Yesterday it rained a fair bit and remained chilly all day. Of course the weather forecast was wrong again, for a change. Last night people came in one after the other to put on extra clothes, or to drape themselves in blankets or sheets. The scene reminded me of a disaster movie.
It looks like it's about to rain, although it feels warmer than yesterday.

Yesterday

The wedding was a very happy occasion, and the turnout was good. Afterwards we all re-grouped at the couple's house for the reception. The food, drinks etc were all outside, and most people sat at tables in the huge garden. I stayed in the front room, talking to people as they came and went. It was nice to see people I haven't seen for a long time. Too long if you ask me. I'll have to do something about that from now on. I went to bed delightfully sozzled at a quarter to eleven.